12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... this is goofy ... when positive changes morph into health fears ... 

 

I have lost 10 pounds and the edema in my legs is much better ... and I worry that this is not "good" ...

 

Guess my perception has been so warped these last few years that all "change" is experienced as negative ...

 

Must find my crescent wrench ... I need an "attitude adjustment" ... 

 

Have a good Friday everyone ... 

[[be...]]

Morning all,

 

Nova..I'm hearing you on the weight loss...out of withdrawal we would be jumping up and down with excitement over losing some pounds...but in this mess...it morphs into more drama for our brains to worry about. My weight has been so up and down I have seriously stopped weighing myself....less drama for me to deal with.

 

I think I overdid it yesterday on the lavender planting..muscles very sore and spasms. Today will be a rest day for me...don't want to go into this toxic air anyway...they are spraying weed killer and pesticides everywhere this morning....on top of that we have an air quality alert. It's suppose to be spring here ...umm..I don't think 87 degrees is normal spring temps.

 

Nova..you can borrow one of my crescent wrenches...I have many.

 

Healing happens!!

 

 

[[No...]]

Beulah ... 

 

87 degrees ... I am jealous ... we are not even to 40 yet today ... and after two weeks of dry weather they have put out forest fire alerts ... scary ...

[[be...]]

Nova...that is scary...I hope you don't live by the forests.

 

Don't be jealous of the heat here...it's not that great...don't get me wrong..it is better than walking into the cold and get an instant icicle in your nose hair...but late afternoon I have to turn the air on and stay inside. It's suppose to drop back down into the 60's and 70's next week...ahhh.

[[dr...]]

Good morning all...Just a positive post...I am doing really well even in the mornings...Except for the one off crazy head pain that I went to ER last week I feel way better most days than bad.  People notice a difference in my voice, I feel happy at times, excited for future, am able to exercise, have energy all day, like being outside of the home, no pain, no migraines or headaches for almost a month, etc.... This is amazing the rapid turn I have made after that last six week wave.  I still have a bad day or two a week but it is not everday.  I also bounced back from the ER visit and have a dad who needs rehab and have no anxiety.  I get annoyed with the situation and it doesn't send me into a wave for a few days. 

 

I still get symptomatic when I am in a situation that brings on stress such as performing,  leading meetings, or anywhere with too much stimulation but that is to be expected. I expect that to get less and less as time passes. I just pull back after these events and rest up.  Surges of adrenaline come visit me but the intensity is much less than before as is all symptoms I am getting.  It reaqlly seems the one year off mark is a huge turning point for me.

 

 

Things that are helping me at this point-CBT therapy, meditating, cutting gluten and chocolate out(huge triggers), massages, exercise, and time.

 

I know this can all change on a dime but I'll deal with it then.

[[No...]]

Drew ... good news ... always good to hear someone is doing well ... have a good weekend ... 

[[be...]]

Good morning all...Just a positive post...I am doing really well even in the mornings...Except for the one off crazy head pain that I went to ER last week I feel way better most days than bad.  People notice a difference in my voice, I feel happy at times, excited for future, am able to exercise, have energy all day, like being outside of the home, no pain, no migraines or headaches for almost a month, etc.... This is amazing the rapid turn I have made after that last six week wave.  I still have a bad day or two a week but it is not everday.  I also bounced back from the ER visit and have a dad who needs rehab and have no anxiety.  I get annoyed with the situation and it doesn't send me into a wave for a few days. 

 

I still get symptomatic when I am in a situation that brings on stress such as performing,  leading meetings, or anywhere with too much stimulation but that is to be expected. I expect that to get less and less as time passes. I just pull back after these events and rest up.  Surges of adrenaline come visit me but the intensity is much less than before as is all symptoms I am getting.  It reaqlly seems the one year off mark is a huge turning point for me.

 

 

Things that are helping me at this point-CBT therapy, meditating, cutting gluten and chocolate out(huge triggers), massages, exercise, and time.

 

I know this can all change on a dime but I'll deal with it then.

 

drew...that's wonderful news!!!!  You are claiming your life back and taking charge.

The tools and diet seem to be working for you.

It's a great feeling to be able to handle and deal with stress thrown at us...more proof of healing.

I'm sure your dad will be fine...he has you looking after him...and I know you have his best interest at heart.

Enjoy the rest of your day and keep up the good work!!! Heal on.

 

 

[[dr...]]

thx all!

 

I had a good conversation with my parents today.  they are reading the ashton manual this morning and bringing it to his dr.  I want him to C/O to Valium from xanax because he is now getting interdose withdrawal.  I had a loooong toalk with them about taking control of the process and if the dr. doesn't agree we find a new dr. together.  I told them I know more than what those dr.s are doing.  He now understands he can't blindly trust them and he has to become his own advocate.  The counselor I had him fire dismissed I could be having withdrawal still and told him to ignore his two children.  I cannot stand idly by and let him become a product of the fucked up machine.  BTW-these two sons are a drug counselor and a benzo survivor...what balls to tell him to not listen to me.  Want to punch him in the face    

[[No...]]

Hi ... having a pretty lousy day ... hanging on, going through the motions ...

 

So good to hear others are doing well ... gives me encouragement ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[ON...]]

Thanks coop and sasq and others that have responded to my posts and given me kind words! The newest symptom that started yesterday after I ate in the morning is a sensation that someone is choking me and its such a strong squeeze when it happens, my heart starts palpitating and feels like it could cut  out and feel like I could pass out. This does not fare well with my extreme hypochondria and anxiety. It is hard to explain but lets hope the symptom but lets hope this is all over soon. New symptoms in my 16th month is very discouraging and scary. This last month has been the first time i've been questioning whether I should try to take some kind of medication to help break the stress.

[[be...]]

drew...I'm not a violent person..but I would have a hard time of not punching out the counselors lights...kudos to you for not doing it....them and their book learning...what do they know about benzo withdrawal?...we are the professionals.

 

 

Nova- Sorry about your lousy day...maybe a bit of food and a rest day will make a better tomorrow.

Feel better.

 

 

 

[[dr...]]

it'd be hard to actually punch him...i'm 600 miles away

[[be...]]

Thanks coop and sasq and others that have responded to my posts and given me kind words! The newest symptom that started yesterday after I ate in the morning is a sensation that someone is choking me and its such a strong squeeze when it happens, my heart starts palpitating and feels like it could cut  out and feel like I could pass out. This does not fare well with my extreme hypochondria and anxiety. It is hard to explain but lets hope the symptom but lets hope this is all over soon. New symptoms in my 16th month is very discouraging and scary. This last month has been the first time i've been questioning whether I should try to take some kind of medication to help break the stress.

 

Oneday...sorry you also have the choking symptom. I had it for a couple of months...it's awful.

The first time I had it was sometime last year and I was eating a boiled egg for breakfast...I could not swallow the egg...I felt like I was being choked...I panicked big time. I only had this in the mornings and was scared to eat for a while...I took very small bites and drank water after each bite...but I still felt the squeezing and my swallow reflex didn't want to work.

I know all of the new symptoms can be very scary and overwhelming...I sometimes wonder how we survive it all...it does get better though.

Yes, the stress is hard...in withdrawal it's tenfold. Are you able to walk a little for the stress? Sometimes a short walk will relieve some of my stress. Also an epsom salt bath is somewhat soothing..but the best is time and more time...as you probably already know.

Hope you feel better.

[[Co...]]

OneDay.  Several of us on this thread have come through horrendous waves in months 16-18/19.. I have had the worst 6 week wave since acute. I am in the first half of month 18. HH had some of her worst waves at month 17/18  and is now getting ready to write her success story right around month 23/24... Most of us , like you, had been seeing improved baselines and better days and then out of the blue got hammered with many of the same sx you describe. I, and most of us here experienced a return of old acute sx and/or new sx.  ...I was absolutely crazed 24/7...anxiety/panic..breathing difficulties, intrusive black thoughts and fears, raging health fears, depression, dread, increased agoraphobia , anorexia, nausea and intense vertigo. ...I also considered reinstating and took a rescue dose in my doctor's office for b/p 180/90, uncontrollable shaking and nausea. The rescue dose helped for less than 2 hours and I had withdrawl sx for 3 weeks. The rescue dose totally backfired. Today is the first day in 6 weeks that I have felt halfway ok....with cycling anxiety and one near panic.  I am really glad that I did not reinstate. I truly could not take another go around with tolerance, taper and w/d.  No one can make this decision for you, but research points to the suggestion that second and third withdrawls are more difficult than the first.

  .I know the desperation that you feel. Just think about it carefully and research ..and read through some of the success stories before you decide.

  I hope this will ease up for you. ....coop

[[Co...]]

First halfway decent day in 6 weeks.. The morning was tough with head pressure, boatyness and a brief panic...all of a sudden I noticed the anxiety and head pressure just were not there . I didn't notice when they lifted.  they just did. .  I made lunch for a friend who came for a visit ( granted it was a very easy lunch). I had anxiety while she was here , but I made it through with conversation and visiting .  I was tired when she left.  But this has all in all been my best day in 6 weeks...This is not a window and my baseline is probably only a 60%-65% and I am holding my breath that maybe this wave is lessening....but I feel completely traumatized by it.  Hoping that it might hold for a few days so I can get some confidence about healing going again..

  ...Wishing everyone more healing....coop

[[Ha...]]

I find myself saying omg I made it through a meeting or i went grocery shopping and I didn't die... I sire hope we hit 2 year mark we are writing a success story. I at a few different times thought oh I'm healed only to get heart palps and anxiety again... I'm Month 17, let's get to 2 years and be done!!! Sooner is better.

[[dr...]]

It's a start coop!  Happy to read your post

[[Co...]]

Drew, you sound great!.. I am happy happy for you...Good for you for advocating for your dad.  It's great that your parents read the Ashton Manuel. ..

....Drew, you post is so encouraging for us.  It really gives me so much hope that this really is going to be over at some point.

....Enjoy your improvements....great turning point.  coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...sorry you are just going through the motions.. such an empty place to be. Did it let up at all through the day? . Nova, I hope you got some breaks .. Thinking of you Nova....coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Happy....I am with you....let's get to year 2 and be done with this.. .I want my life back.  The one in which I go to the grocery, take the dog out, go to a movie, go to a play.  a concert, .  a restaurant or a road trip without thinking twice about it. .  No wondering if  I will be ok with whatever thing I have planned.  to be able to plan something without hoping I won't have to cancel. I want to be done with " I made it through .....". ....I think we will all get our lives back, we just have to go the distance...We have put so much distance behind us.  coop

[[be...]]

Coop..happy you had a halfway decent day..I know it's not much..but it is a start.I remember I was so excited to get to month 18 ...what a let down..I went into it in a horrible wave that felt never ending.

Month 19 was a little easier...but like you said..I felt traumatized from month 18..it wore me down.

I started noticing some really good healing in months 19 and 20.

Now at month 22 ..it's unusual and the most healing I have felt through this process. Waves come on but they are short lived with no windows but a better baseline.

 

Oh yes, it would be so nice to just jump in the car and go somewhere without giving it a second thought. Take my granddaughter to the zoo, go to dinner with my husband...all in the same day.

We will be doing all the things we once enjoyed in the near future.

You're right ..we have to go the distance...look how far we've come already and the worst is over...sometimes it doesn't feel it...but it is.

I sure hope you get a break tomorrow..you deserve a long one.

Much healing.

[[be...]]

it'd be hard to actually punch him...i'm 600 miles away

 

Oh...

[[Co...]]

Beulah.  Thank you so much for that lovely encouraging post. It is so reassuring to know that I am not the only one who feels that w/d itself will leave a trail of PTSD. .  ..but I will deal with that as I have to....

....Yes, I think before this wave from hell I was seeing my most reliable healing in my baselines. In Dec/ Jan I think my baseline was ranging from 80%-90% pretty consistently.

.....How are you doing?...Did you get a second wind after resting up from your garden day? ...You are so close to those days of following your heart through the day instead of fear. .

.....love to you Beulah.  coop

[[Ko...]]

Coop - glad you're getting a little break. Even an hour helps.

 

Buela - glad to read how you progressed. I'm in 18 & was hoping to see a little improvement, but that may not happen until  19. Pushing through to 24.

 

Nova - how did you lose the weight? Do you have a Benzo Belly? Did the weight loss effect it.? Hope you begin to have more consistent days.

 

Drew - glad you're feeling better. Hope you get your Dad on track with a good doctor.

 

One - a agree with Coop. All these new sx appeared in month 16, just when I thought I should be better. It was the first time I looked for some other med to help too. Tried Lyrica for a couple of weeks. It helped, but suddenly stopped working & I had a paradoxical reaction to it.  I use Baclofen, a muscle relaxer when I get rally bad muscle cramps. I only take 10mg, & try not to use it unless I'm just in too much pain. For pain, I take Advil, Tylenol & aspirin. Again trying not to use very often. Hope this wave passes for you soon.

[[No...]]

Korbe ... regarding weight loss ... short answer is "I don't know" ... it just happened ... I did nothing different ...

 

Another medical horror story ... about three years before I started my taper my GP retired (this would be about 7 years ago) ... without telling anyone ... just disappeared ... finding a regular doc in these parts is very difficult ... found one (or so I thought) ... and remember, this was back in the days when I trusted these people ... I was very healthy except for the clonazepam ... was in tolerance and did not know it then ...

 

Weighed 175 pounds that fluctuated 5 or so pounds ... bp on the high side of normal (was taking hydrochlorothiazide for several years and everything was stable) ... things were humming along ... I am a big boned, broad shouldered linebacker kind of physique ... a 5' 10 " brick wall kind of guy ...

 

Saw this new doc ... was told I was getting old ... and I needed a blood pressure med ... he gave me an rx for a mid level dose of metoprolol ... a beta blocker ... I sat around for a couple of days wondering what I should do ... I knew in my bones that I should not take the new drug ... and I didn't listen to my inner voice ... I did not realize at the time what effects the benzo tolerance was having on me ... and I was living in my own little cocoon ...

 

I took the beta blocker ... within three days I literally could not walk ... legs, ankles and feet swelled to the point all I could wear was my slippers ... went back to the doc ... he said no one had ever had this reaction to the drug and gave me an rx for a lasik ... did not help ... seemed to make things worse some how ... went to ER ... was told things would settle out, just keep taking the lasik ... after two weeks I asked the pharmacist what was going on ... he told me to stop the beta blocker and the lasik ... and I was gaining weight and my bp was going up ...

 

Went back to ER ... told not to worry, things would settle down ... was told I needed to lose weight and things would be fine ... they upped my K dose and told me to go back on the lasik ... I fell into a medical limbo ... completely lost ... I tried to find a new doc ... took six months ... and I had ballooned up to 325 pounds ... and literally could not walk, it was painful ... and bp was through the roof ...

 

New doc started me on an ace-inhibiter and over the course of three months my bp stabilized ... and I stopped gaining weight ... went for a full cardio workup over the next three months ... the long and the short of that was "everything is fine" ... "you are obese and need to lose weight" ... there was nothing wrong with the meds ... they could not cause these problems ... essentially it was all my fault ... I was just fat and lazy ...

 

And, unknown to me my tolerance was getting worse ... I was completely lost ... I was literally a blob that saw no way out ... started forcing myself to walk ... very painful in the beginning ... gradually over several months got a little better ... and some weight came off ... stabilized around 265 pounds ... and tolerance started hitting me very hard every day ...

 

Started making some "connections" on my own ... came to the conclusion there was a connection between the beta blocker and the benzo ... and came to realize I need to come off the benzo ...

 

Fast forward to today ... for me, the start of this cycle of weight loss has to do with healing ... it is very possible that my edema is getting better ... today I believe the benzo "set the table" for the edema ... did not "cause" it as such ... add in the beta blocker and it kicked things over ... no medical people I have spoken with will accept this connection ... but it is there in the literature ...

 

Sorry for the long-winded response ... I have never put this out there before ... and I think it is important ... this whole mind set of "one size fits all" is dangerous ... and I have the responsibility to listen to myself ...

 

I have always eaten pretty well ... and getting out and about is still problematic because of my healing ... my inner voice tells me to "carry on" ... things are getting better ... the remainder of this excess weight will come off over the next few months ... be patient and keep going as I have been ... the tortoise will get there in due time ...

 

Korbe ... sorry I can't give you a better response to weight loss ... things will get better and better for all of us ... we do what we can, as we can ...