12-18 month support

[[Mi...]]

Oh man, for the life of me I cannot remember what I just read.  Just read last three pages since last night and about 3% of it was retained I think.  Duuuuuh......hello?....McFly?  Anyone home? 

 

Ok will give this a whirl....

 

NOVA....glad you got a little window last night.  Any moments of clarity feels so good don't they?  Also good to hear you pushed yourself for a walk today despite not feeling so hot.

 

GREEN....I so feel ya when you say you had to dodge people and get out of the building quickly.  I ain't claustrophobic but that's a great description of what it feels like sometimes.  Sometimes I tell my wife I feel "socially crowded".  lol

 

BEULAH & SKY.....The eating thing....smaller portions are definitely so much better for me right now too!  Large meals cause me revving most times. 

 

COOP.....Love your army boots and sneakers comment.  That was cute haven't heard that one before.  Thanks for the smile and the compliament. 

 

COOP # 2.....My dizziness has totally gone away as of today.

 

All in all the past few days have been pretty decent.  Pretty weird, but pretty decent.  Two days in a row I walked 2 miles with the dog.  I need to lose 10 pounds of winter fat, plus I realized that when I'm active I don't feel dizzy.  That was enough to get my ass out the door.  Today I killed myself working out in the sun but it felt so good at the time.  Hit 80 today, WOOT!  Picked up 2500lbs of trap rock, brought it home, unloaded it with a shovel, then spread it around the landscape where we needed it.  Pretty big job for a chubby gimp in withdrawal but whatever!!  I got a bad temple ache, spaced out, and a moderate sunburn right now......BUT....dinner at my mothers should cure that.  Hopefully I don't gorge myself into a bloated benzo bellied jet fueled dragster.  If she's cooking ribs I'm screwed! 

 

Have a great night people.

[[No...]]

Coop ... yep ... lots of dead weight feeling ... often feels like I am dragging myself around, especially outside ...

 

Had sort of a medium day ... couple of good bouts of anxiety/panic ... only one was scary ... funky guts seem to be driving most of this of late ...

 

I keep remembering last night's 30 minute window ... I sort of wallowed into it like a puppy in a warm blanket ...

 

Oh well ... can't get a refund so I might as well holler a bit and carry on ...

 

Have a good evening ...

[[No...]]

One ... this is hard, scary stuff we do every day ... I find the more I fight it the lousier I feel ... some days I just have to give up and just let it be ... it's not "me" ... I am sick and I am healing ... and it is rough ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[No...]]

One ... we have all survived every storm that has come over us ... and we will survive any that may come up in the future ... we just hang on and try not to add to the stress we experience each day ... we have to be patient with ourselves ... let the fear and the doubt be there and not engage it ...

 

We will all heal ... nobody gets left behind ... 

[[dr...]]

argh...I am very annoyed!  My brother and I finally got my dad to agree to a treatment center for 30 days to just learn how to cope with life without xanax.  He cannot do it on his own...he tried several times and agreed with us.  He is mentally addicted more than physically.  He needs the support, therapy, etc...  Anywho...he went to see the same damn dr. who gives him the xanax and she says that "those people are way out there who seek treatment"  WTF!?!  It reminds me of my doc who told me not to worry about Klonopin because I don't have an addictive personality.  He will still go but he is convinced he is different than them now.  This dr. who he trusts so greatly is an ass!  I told my dad we will not discuss anything further until he has a report of how the program is for me.  Geez...

 

I am having a very few good days otherwise.  Only bad day was Monday this week. Guess it's a really good healing sign I am able to deal with a dad at 77 needing rehab being told idiotic shit by dr's and I am not wavy.

[[No...]]

Drew ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova, your window sounds like the little sunbreaks I have had this week on Sunday, Tuesday and about 20 minutes today. This afternoon seems to be easier...if I don't snooze off momentarily. If I do go to sleep for a few minutes it gets toxic.

  . ..yep...dragging my body around with me. How is your head pressure? ..Mine was tough this morning but has let up some....You have every right to wallow and bask in your window....it is the sunbreaks that keep us going. ....I have had only one panic and cycling anxiety that is down a notch this afternoon . ...onward we go. ....coop

[[Fi...]]

Drew--I love that business where docs don't think they have to worry about you becoming addicted because you're a nice person or not an addictive type.  I wish they WOULD have worried.  It's like I got punished for not dragging in from the alley or whatever it is they think a true addict looks like.

[[dr...]]

Yup...no matter how we got here we all suffer greatly.  We just look better getting here!

[[Co...]]

One...you are having a tough tough time...I was where you are 2 weeks ago. .it is better...not by much , but better. I know it doesn't seem possible, but each day will get a little better. Like you, I was doing much better 2 months ago. ...We will get back to our baselines....one day at a time. ...Like you, I have thought every day that I was dying for this entire month. Today is better...your days are going to get better too.

....I have to agree with Sasq. ....having a routine and staying busy...with anything heps. I have to get up every morning and take my dog for a walk. I put together a routine of puttering...meaningless tidying, doing laundry, doing dishes...putter putter...it has given me shape at least to the mornings...it's hard  on most days these last 6 werks but it's worse if I dont....sometimes I just have to go 15 minutes at a time. I took a rescue dose in my doctor's office about 3 /4 weeks ago...it made it all worse and set me back. I think if I hadn't taken a rescue dose I wouldn't be this sad now. but we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

.....Here's the good thing....you are not alone...you have good support here....Wishing you some breaks....coop

[[pe...]]

Things started to hit the skids for me yesterday evening. I'm feeling weird, crazy. It's a disconnection, intrusive thoughts, foreboding kind of feeling. Perhaps it's a wave….  My family is not home tonight and so I'm home alone. I used to love being home alone and now I don't much care for it. I might hang around here for the feelings of safety and support.

 

Peace2

[[be...]]

Hi all..I'm catching up on your posts.

 

I got the lavender in the ground finally..I added some small rocks under and around it for good drainage. I got a little sunburn but not bad...got my dose of d3 though.

 

Things have settled down this evening...they always do later in the day..the later it gets the better I feel.

Hope you all have a good rest tonight and many sunbreaks tomorrow.

[[Co...]]

Ohhh, ...MightyGirl....so sorry...Seems like the old gang is really hitting a wall this month. You are not alone .Several of us feel like we are back in acute. Yep, intrusive thoughts ...that one had faded a lot for me...this month....talking to me all the time.

....Come on in...we all love you.  You have been doing great Peace.  A wicked wave. You are going to ride through it . You have come miles and miles...

....As much as I hate it that you are in a wave, I am really happy to see you...love to you . ..coop

[[Co...]]

Beulah...♡♡....so glad to hear that your day had lavender and sun....and your evenings are better...So encouraging. ..hope you get another one tomorrow....coop

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Coop. Got some food and fed myself. Made it home, put the dog out and now I'm up in bed. I need to do some basic things around the house but I'm hesitant to leave the bed.

 

It is so true that distraction passes the time, keeps the mind out of the soup. I'm missing my little distractions who are spending the night with a friend so my husband can attend to something overnight at work. Just me and the dog and my fears at home.

 

I'm missing the hugs. My youngest boy's ability to see through this and hang on to 'me'. Awful that I feel lost without a three year old!

 

Thanks for being there!

Peace

[[Co...]]

MightyGirl...I just glanced at your ticker...I can't believe you are 15 months out!!...WhooHooo....I have hit a wave too where my bed is again my safe zone. You are going to do great on your own tonight....come visit with us when it gets iffy ...we are all pretty iffy here lately...Yes, food helps...especially ice cream that you don't have to share with anyone ....keep us posted on your Home Alone night...coop

[[Co...]]

For the first time in 4 weeks I have had 4 straight hours of not feeling like I am going to die ....seriously. ....things are still iffy and I may have traded the crushing health fears for mild depression , but I think a switch up is probably somewhat of a relief at this point. ...not in anyway to minimize the agony that people endure in depression. It's kind of like stubborn your toe takes your focus off the migraine you have had for weeks. ...

.....Things actually seem a little better tonight. However, this wave regressed me back a lot in my agoraphobia. Before benzos I went anywhere I wanted to go. .I couldnt get in an MTI machine or fly easily, but I didn't cling to my house. W/D changed all of that...I was getting better with it this winter..Now I am afraid to take the dog out again...uugghhh..

...Another day closer.  Wishing everyone a peaceful night...coop

[[pe...]]

Good night, Coop. I'm glad the health fears are receding for you. I hope you wake up feeling better. Four hours sounds like a great start. And this wave of agoraphobia won't last long. You'll be out and about sooner than you think.

 

I've made it through the first phase of home alone. Now sleep, then get myself up and off to work. But first the sleep part. Goodnight.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Sleep wellPeace...

[[Ko...]]

Korbe, ...I can only imagine your disappointment...I am so sorry the infusion was not as helpful as you needed it to be....we were all rooting for you.

....Your sx are just as stressful as the rest of us. It is not only the sx.. it's the very long weary day to day enduring that saps our spirits...I think you are getting close to having more sx drop off...It was good to see you here tonight..Wishing you some sleep....and some decent windows...coop

 

Thanks Coop for your usual supportive post.  You must feel a little better because you are busy writing a lot of posts.  Thank you for doing that. I think you're grest!

[[Ko...]]

Hi to all my 12-18 buddies,

 

Sorry I've neglected you. I've been reading your posts but just don't have it in me to respond. But, I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I think I'm a little depressed. I was so hoping the Flumazenil  treatments would help, but they haven't. I started my 18th month and I'm still suffering with the same symptoms I've had for the last 2 months. Stinging shins that hurt so bad they keep me from sleeping; benzo belly that feels like I'm being crushed by a boa constrictor; boatiness 24/7.  My symptoms sound easy compared to some of you. I don't have anxiety, nausea or dizziness so I feel lucky.  I just wish I could sleep more.

 

I agree with all of you, we will get better. We just have to wait it out while living in hell.  I hope you all get some windows along the way.

 

Korbe, your symptoms are not easier!  symptoms in withdrawal remind me of something my grandma used to say -- if people dumped all their "crap" in a pile (I think she meant problems) if they dumped all their crap in a pile, each person, given the choice, would take their own crap back.  I think it's that way with symptoms.  whatever your primary is, it's no picnic.  I don't get nerve pain as bad as you do, but the little I've had it lets me know I don't want it!

 

MikeJee:  crazy cycling symptoms means we're at the end?  your lips to God's ears, dude!

 

I went from utter lethargy to pretty hair-raising anxiety, in the blink of an eye.  my nausea changed from vertigo-nausea to anxiety-makes-you-gag nausea.  you guys know the difference?  I know you do.  as distinguished from GI nausea. 

 

And I also got a few minutes of extreme paranoia.  Anybody?  It was a weird, scary psych sx, thank goodness it didn't last -- I talked myself calm. but it was intense.  I wanted to run away.  How in the world do people do this without knowing what's going on?

 

Coop, Nova, everybody, feel better.

 

P.S.  yes, I get a very weird feeling after eating, heart picks up, abdomen and chest feel very heavy, not in a good way.  (is there a good way for the chest to feel heavy!  duh)

Green Ice,

I think you're right, we all have to play the hand were dealt.  I think my sx are tough, but yours sound much worse. Wish none of us had any of them.  It's interesting how different our sx are.  Thanks for the kind words of support. Hope you have better days ahead.

[[Ko...]]

Hi to all my 12-18 buddies,

 

Sorry I've neglected you. I've been reading your posts but just don't have it in me to respond. But, I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I think I'm a little depressed. I was so hoping the Flumazenil  treatments would help, but they haven't. I started my 18th month and I'm still suffering with the same symptoms I've had for the last 2 months. Stinging shins that hurt so bad they keep me from sleeping; benzo belly that feels like I'm being crushed by a boa constrictor; boatiness 24/7.  My symptoms sound easy compared to some of you. I don't have anxiety, nausea or dizziness so I feel lucky.  I just wish I could sleep more.

 

I agree with all of you, we will get better. We just have to wait it out while living in hell.  I hope you all get some windows along the way.

 

Korbe, how can you say that ? This is not a competition anyway. I don't think a belly

that feels like I'm being crushed by a boa constrictor

is an easy symptom by the way.

 

I am sorry the treatment did not work, but you were so brave to do it, you put up with fear, uncertainty, anxiety and you rose to the occasion, which shows some strength and healing has been happening in you.

 

I would have been too scared to let anybody get anywhere near me. 

 

I am having a so so day. I woke up feeling tired, yesterday I had a hard day, guess that's what it was. I am going to try to take it easy, truth is, I am tired of analysing this hell we live day in, day out.

 

We are not protracted, no one of us here is protracted. I read a post by a buddie who is at 20 months out, we have all reached a better point in our healing.

I hope this reassures anybody on the thread that today might feel a little more vulnerable.

 

I hope to take a nap later, speak soon. Sending you all  healing thoughts. 

Sky, thanks for the nice thoughts. You're right sometimes we just a analyze  too much. Just need to accept what is an wait it out. I agree, we're not protracted. I know our healing is just around the corner.

[[No...]]

Hi Korbe ... how are you doing today? ... hope things are settling out for you ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Peace ... hope you have a good rest ... it is Friday ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... that's good news ... a four hour break ...