12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Beulah ... hanging with you ... 

[[Co...]]

Beulah and Nova.  I am sitting this dance out with you guys today. .My little sunbreak from yesterday clouded over the moment I got up this morning.  Anxiety and boatyness is all back.. Hoping for better this afternoon....

.....Break out the cards or jigsaw or movie...make me some room on the couch.. if you don't mind I will keep company with you today...Trying to keep moving and get some things done...trying to stay off the bed.  At least I have very good hompany....Wishing all of us some relief..  love to you both...coop

[[ON...]]

I am extremely desperate right now, Last night I was lying on my bathroom floor trying to find comfort and thought any moment I could die. When I tried to fall asleep it felt like my brain would cut off and my breathing and heart would stop if I didnt consciously do it myself. Also, it felt like I was in no control over my body and these bizzare sensations where I would rise out of myself. I keep getting waves where every muscle on my body tenses so hard it feels like I could blow. I sat for an hour on my couch last night and every single body part was jerking uncontrollably. These are just a few of the symptoms, add anxiety, depression, chest pain, heart palpitations and all the other stuff to it as well and it's hard for me to see that i'll heal and that I will survive this. Oh, one last thing, I woke up with a nausea this morning that is beyond any nausea you could possibly imagine it was horrific and these moments of like mini blackouts. All of this is becoming so traumatic and scary. God when will this end and how will i survive?

[[Fi...]]

Oneday--sorry you're having such a horrid  time.  You've found the right place in BB because just about everybody here has done the scenes you've just described and are living to tell about it.  And tell you that you, too, will survive.  It's hell, but it ends.  I'm sure we all wish we had better answers than to just say tough it out, but unfortunately, that's about the size of it.  Time is the healer, as people get sick of hearing, but people can't stop saying. 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... room on the couch ...

 

Something I have noticed the last couple of days ... every time I eat it revs me up for a while ... curious ...

[[dr...]]

coop-gald you got a break...may this wave be finishing for you and never return

 

One day-I feel for you.  Those times when you really think you are going to die are the worst!  I had one on Friday and low and behold i am still here.  you will be too!

 

Nova-I almost always feel "different" after eating.  I think a lot of it is that body systems fluctuate any time after eating but we just feel them all now with this wonderful CNS sensitivity.

 

 

My day has been okay....I have been getting many surges since waking up but the oppressive fear and anxiety are much less during them.  It seems like the ones we all get but the intensity is much less.  Maybe a three on the scale to ten.  Heart races, trouble breathing, and brain goes weird.  Oh well...it is a sign that I am healing that it is not longer lasting and utter panic     Going to skip my workout today and meditate.  I know it isn't smart to push these days. 

On a  positive note...I have lost 5 lbs in the last month and it is a healthy loss.  Not due to not being able to eat and anxiety.  I am eating super clean and am able to exercise more.  Want to lose 10-15 more.

 

Hope we all continue to improve and if you feel like utter shit right now I hope you get a break.

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova.  My heart sometimes gets a little palp or pounds a little after I eat. .. it doesn't last very long . My biggest problem now is anxiety and boatyness. The boatyness feeds the anxiety. Yesterday it just went away for awhile. Today it's been all day. Maybe a 6 on a 1-10 scale...just trying to stay distracted. My vision is wonky ...not blurry but kind of dim ..and things look too far away. I am sure it's the d/r

.  ..It's getting old isn't it?.  Another afternoon with the Waltons, but at least I puttered and walked the dog and did some stuff this morning. ...Like you say, ..." It is what it is until it isnt"....Maybe this isn't my life forever... but it is for today and this is the best I can do today

.....Nova is your appetite good? . Do you have nausea? I am finding some luck with smoothies .. I am using yogurt/banana / a tbsp. of almond butter/ tart cherries and a little honey. .

...When you say " revved"  do you mean anxiety ? Shaky still? . boaty?. ..I am sorry that this is hanging on Nova.....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, thanks for your description of your sx....similar here today.  It is the anxiety that is torturing me today, but it's better than last week.. You are right to follow your sense of when not to push...If nothing else we are going to have perfect nutrition by the time we are done with this

.    You are getting there Drew.  Your posts encourage me and inspire me to keep trying to live with sx.  ...Wishing you some wide open windows.  coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... yep another boring day in the salt mines ... 

 

Appetite is good ... the nausea thing doesn't seem to be attached to eating or not eating ...

 

Woke up this morning with a heavy does of boatiness ... sort of faded out during the day ...

 

There is anxiety there ... up and down ... and not sleeping well ... getting tired again ... 

[[je...]]

Coop--glad to hear you got a little break. I hope you get another one real soon!

Drew-you sound really good, the weight loss /exercise/ clean eating have helped me a lot too. My feet have had so much neuropathy in them that I haven't been doing as much exercise because of the pain and I can feel my mood tank and depression setting in. Times like this I really realize how much the exercise is helping me.

Hi Nova-- hope your day is going better

 

Hope everyone else on here is doing good 

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... we keep rolling along as best we can ... hope things get better for you real fast ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova...that's my pattern of boatyness too...mornings are worse... clobber me as soon as I get up. ....Of course lying down helps , but who wants to lay down all day.  ...

[[No...]]

Okay ... this is getting goofy ... feeling pretty good right now ... and I am wide awake ... go figure ...

 

Droopy and exhausted an hour ago ... this stuff is so goofy ... 

[[je...]]

Nova, just curious what time it is right now for you.. Its 4pm where I am

[[No...]]

8 pm ...

[[Co...]]

Well, goofy is a nicer word for it than I use. In this last month my sx can change and swap out within minutes. Yesterday morning I was completely convinced that there was some terrible medical condition killing me. By afternoon. I felt at an 80% baseline, this morning I felt ok when I woke up and is k within a minute of getting up...leveled off....and have since had 2 near panics.  I have been hopeful and optimistic one hour and despairing with intrusive thoughts and memories the next.  ...will be so happy to get to the end of this month. .coop

[[Co...]]

Well, Nova...regarding your earlier question about revving after eating...at the time I answered that I had not experienced too much of that. That was maybe 5 hours ago. I just ate some bread and cheese....my heart took off pounding like a drum and a third round of high octane anxiety...Tomorrow has to be better. ...onward....coop

[[Mi...]]

Well, goofy is a nicer word for it than I use. In this last month my sx can change and swap out within minutes. Yesterday morning I was completely convinced that there was some terrible medical condition killing me. By afternoon. I felt at an 80% baseline, this morning I felt ok when I woke up and is k within a minute of getting up...leveled off....and have since had 2 near panics.  I have been hopeful and optimistic one hour and despairing with intrusive thoughts and memories the next.  ...will be so happy to get to the end of this month. .coop

 

Tell me about it!!  The last 30 days could not have been crazier!  I have been getting visits from side effects I haven't felt in a year, and also visits from SX I have never had before.  (the intense quick waves of dizziness and nausea I spoke of a few days ago) 

 

We have all been pretty active and pretty eclectic with our symptoms lately.  I think that means we're getting close to the end.  Our brains are just about done defragging.  The final touches are being applied at a frantic pace.  It's causing some major disruptions to our thoughts and physical self but all are necessary for us to be repaired.

[[Ko...]]

Hi to all my 12-18 buddies,

 

Sorry I've neglected you. I've been reading your posts but just don't have it in me to respond. But, I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I think I'm a little depressed. I was so hoping the Flumazenil  treatments would help, but they haven't. I started my 18th month and I'm still suffering with the same symptoms I've had for the last 2 months. Stinging shins that hurt so bad they keep me from sleeping; benzo belly that feels like I'm being crushed by a boa constrictor; boatiness 24/7.  My symptoms sound easy compared to some of you. I don't have anxiety, nausea or dizziness so I feel lucky.  I just wish I could sleep more.

 

I agree with all of you, we will get better. We just have to wait it out while living in hell.  I hope you all get some windows along the way.

 

[[...]]

JRod...the depression is awful..I am so sorry that you are trying to slog through it...it's like living in mud.. The fact that we live lives that can appear ' normal' to those around us is beyond  me. ...I am wishing you some sunbreaks today.  coop

 

Hey coop

It's still so difficult to accept how punishing this recovery can be so far out. No one except those that have endured this mess can even begin to understand the gravity of our situation. But coop u are improving and improvement although slow will continue.

Keep up the good work! 

[[Co...]]

Thanks JRod.  I think I am on some kind of every other day thing.  Who knows. I felt better on Sunday afternoon and yesterday afternoon...maybe tomorrow will be better again...who knows. You are so kind to shoot me some encouragement.. Yesterday afternoon I wanted to go do something with my daughter. .today I was literally afraid to get off my bed...not since acute have I been afraid to get off my bed ....Fortunately I have to take my dog out so I had to get off the bed. .I am still alive...lol..

....yep, we are going to see our lives come back and be so grateful for every small joy.....Wishing you big sunbreaks... coop....

[[Co...]]

Mike, you are so incredibly positive ..  in the midst of a bad month..  I love your posts. I think you are right....our brains are trying thier hardest to grow back some GABA.  You are just a few months ahead of me and as you point out , a lot of us are experiencing the same kind of tough times. It has also been 2 months for me too.. Gotta be winding down pretty soon.

......You are marching on ...with army boots my friend...I am right behind you ...in sneakers.  coop

[[Co...]]

Korbe, ...I can only imagine your disappointment...I am so sorry the infusion was not as helpful as you needed it to be....we were all rooting for you.

....Your sx are just as stressful as the rest of us. It is not only the sx.. it's the very long weary day to day enduring that saps our spirits...I think you are getting close to having more sx drop off...It was good to see you here tonight..Wishing you some sleep....and some decent windows...coop

[[Co...]]

Mike...did your dizziness go away?...

[[Gr...]]

Hi to all my 12-18 buddies,

 

Sorry I've neglected you. I've been reading your posts but just don't have it in me to respond. But, I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I think I'm a little depressed. I was so hoping the Flumazenil  treatments would help, but they haven't. I started my 18th month and I'm still suffering with the same symptoms I've had for the last 2 months. Stinging shins that hurt so bad they keep me from sleeping; benzo belly that feels like I'm being crushed by a boa constrictor; boatiness 24/7.  My symptoms sound easy compared to some of you. I don't have anxiety, nausea or dizziness so I feel lucky.  I just wish I could sleep more.

 

I agree with all of you, we will get better. We just have to wait it out while living in hell.  I hope you all get some windows along the way.

 

Korbe, your symptoms are not easier!  symptoms in withdrawal remind me of something my grandma used to say -- if people dumped all their "crap" in a pile (I think she meant problems) if they dumped all their crap in a pile, each person, given the choice, would take their own crap back.  I think it's that way with symptoms.  whatever your primary is, it's no picnic.  I don't get nerve pain as bad as you do, but the little I've had it lets me know I don't want it!

 

MikeJee:  crazy cycling symptoms means we're at the end?  your lips to God's ears, dude!

 

I went from utter lethargy to pretty hair-raising anxiety, in the blink of an eye.  my nausea changed from vertigo-nausea to anxiety-makes-you-gag nausea.  you guys know the difference?  I know you do.  as distinguished from GI nausea. 

 

And I also got a few minutes of extreme paranoia.  Anybody?  It was a weird, scary psych sx, thank goodness it didn't last -- I talked myself calm. but it was intense.  I wanted to run away.  How in the world do people do this without knowing what's going on?

 

Coop, Nova, everybody, feel better.

 

P.S.  yes, I get a very weird feeling after eating, heart picks up, abdomen and chest feel very heavy, not in a good way.  (is there a good way for the chest to feel heavy!  duh)