12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... good to hear you had a spell of effortless mind ...

 

I have had an okay day ... not lousy - not great ... and I too sure would like to be done with this ...

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova...some day we will be done. The majority of my days are much like yours today...just sort ofneutral...feels like suspended animation...literally...someone needs to let up on the pause button...Did you get any better weather today.  ?

[[ga...]]

Coop...so glad to hear everything turned out as expected.

 

Unfortunately, I am really suffering exhaustion after 3 days of barely any sleep.  That lying in bed, fretting, agitated, tossing and turning.  It takes me to those horrible places.  Wondering how I can live like this and what hope is there it will ever improve.  Just more of the damned roller coaster ride.  So ready to see some steady improvement.

[[li...]]

MY dear buddies,

 

Life has been a strange set of strange circumstances lately but I am able to deal with everything that has been thrown my way. And it has been allot. I wrote my success story tonight and I wanted to thank each and every one of you for making that success possible. I would not have been able to accomplish it if it were not for all of you. I truly love you all.

 

I am doing very well -- just stressful events are messing with me -- but no fear of waves. They are gone. It took me a while to say "no more waves" but it is true!

 

I will be back but wanted to say thank you to all of you. I will not mention you by name for fear that I will miss one.

 

Peace and healing!

 

Henry

 

 

[[Co...]]

Life...I am so so pleased to see you dropping in. I am thrilled for you that you are healed. Music to my ears...and my heart. Those of us who jumped on the 6-12 thread with you mention you often in our posts...you marched us out of the cave!.  I can not wait to see your success story . As you can see the original cave dwellers are moving towards 18 months. I think most of us are seeing good improvements but still getting swept out to the rip tides from time to time.

  .Thank you so very much for dropping by.  We love to hear from you and the encouragement of your complete EFFORTLESS MIND DAYS healing is a big boost to us.  Love to you Life.  coop

[[je...]]

Life!! I'm so happy for you!! Thank you for coming back and sharing your success you will be greatly missed 

[[No...]]

Good Morning Coop ... and everyone ...

 

It was a pleasure to wake up to Life's story ...

 

Had a good sleep ... things feel "quiet" this morning ... just a little "background radiation" ... 

 

Hope you all get a good rest and have a good weekend ...

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova, ..Glad to hear that things are quiet for you. Any sunshine outside of your window? ...What's on the menu for the day?....Roast chicken? ...Baked mac n cheese ?..homemade bread ?... Red Velvet chocolate cake?...I haven't had breakfast yet..

......I am back in the soup...but not quite as intense. Lots of anxiety....sleepless  and a new one...the vibrating chest but it quit. I woke up like I used to in early acute....cortisol rush.  intrusive thoughts and depression...but it is all softening some....still there but livable.

.....Whenever I start to believe that this just me and not w/d I go to the general board and read some of the posts...everyone is struggling with the same sx..  it's all w/d. I know this is not as positive as reading success stories but it reassures me that it is not " just me" ...I am recommited to the 24 month mark...acceptance and day by day living through it. What else can we really do? ...I read the posts on the other meds board to see how people are doing on adjunct  meds....they all have w/d  issues with the adjunct meds eventually. Reinstating is a one way trip to hell 2.0 ....so here I am still in a wave....but getting through it

.....I loved Life's success story ....Some day you and I and everyone on the thread will submit success stories too....In the meantime ...acceptance  one day at a time.

...The rain is downright blustery here.. Maybe I will make chicken soup myself today

.....Nova, wishing you a very good day with some sunbreaks.. .and yummy food.....coop

[[Sk...]]

Hi Coop, how are you ?

 

I am in a bad patch, I made the mistake of tasting some fresh bread that mr SKy prepared. Really my mistake, but anyway now I have strong palps, same old, same old.

 

Tomorrow I am leaving for my mother's place, she is sick with a bad cold and her arm is fractured, but the doctors told her now, after a week and  a half ? At the time she called an ambulance and they said it was ok and told her to go have xrays as an afterthought. An afterthought ? She is scared of doctors so that was what she wanted to hear. THe absurdiity.

 

If some people can't be trusted around a bone, why are we surprised about our benzo situation ? You know what I mean ? 

 

# 1strantoftheday 

 

Tomorrow is my 17month off. I will be travelling but tonight we are having some apple juice to toast. I am celebrating. Since my ct, I celebrate every single thing, anything.  My life has changed.

I celebrate being alive and breathing. And I will keep on looking for excuses and dates to celebrate. 

 

yesterday evening, after my last lesson I tried to get a glimpse of the twilight over the country side. It was mindblowing. The smell of flowers in the air, springtime is here. How could I not notice this until now ? How could I feel at home in this town only now, in full wd, after 5 years of living here ?

 

Why did it take so long, why did it take a brain injury  ? Who knows, who cares, I am lucky I got here  at all.

 

My writing is worse, but yesterday on my bike, I felt truly blessed.

 

I always push  myself to post something here, it's some form of discipline, it chronicles something that for me was life shattering, there is not a single thing I did not lose to benzos. But that is not true, thanks to my ct, I got back the man I love, I was losing mr Sky to benzos.

 

Coming here writing two sentences about my day, well that helps me feel a part of something. But it's all I can do, and sometimes my loneliness pains me.

 

Ok, that's enough. I may not be able to come back to the thread. Today, oddly, I have many lessons and I really do want to find some time to rush with my bike to see  the sunset and the countryside. I have to prepare my suitcase and this and that.

 

I hope to check in, I am agitated about the trip  of course.

 

Take care everybody. 

 

[[No...]]

Have a good trip Sky ... post when you can ...

 

Glad to hear you got to enjoy some of your spring ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... I got out for a walk early this morning ... now it is snowing ... not a storm ... just a nuisance ...

 

The vibrating chest thing is really hard ... hell, all this stuff is really hard ...

 

I am just hanging out the rest of the day ... don't feel like doing anything more ... things have moved up to about a level 6 ... just waiting to see how far they go ...

 

Hope you have a passable day ...

[[Co...]]

Sky, what a lovely post. Omgoodness...when the paramedics can not recognize a broken arm it makes us wonder about thier training. I am so impressed that you are traveling. I hope your visit is a happy one.. just don't trip on the doggy toys...

...How does the bread effect you...that is torture not to be able to have bread right out of the oven with melted butter dripping off if it..  I hope when you are healed you eat an entire loaf..

.....Yes 17 months...Celebrate that...celebrate that you stuck with it in spite of being miserable. Celebrate that you are empowering yourself to reclaim your life. I am about a week from stepping into month 17 as well. I also celebrate every tiny triumph over sx.. not because I am counting months....although I am...but because I am celebrating myself, my strenght and courage and commitment to something so long and difficult. I celebrate the lovely friendships I have found in my travel through hell. ...I celebrate that in hell I found something sacred and redeeming....friends along the way. ..I celebrate the triumphs of my friends. Celebration is the animation of our spirit. I celebrate a simple cup of coffee.

.....It is so inspiring to read your words of connection to the beauty you see in your world....in the midst of suffering. I as well have a greater appreciation for the wonderful everyday gifts. ...I notice that you are writing much longer posts...writing must be becoming more doable....such a good sign...Congratulations Sky on getting up every day and living your life with grace and determination in a hard hard struggle.

......Enjoy your trip....thank you for being here Sky.. .coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...are you living in some kind of artic tundra !?....SNOW !!...You are brave to go out in it....Sorry you don't feel like rattling around in your kitchen.I hope it  improves over the day. ...I have caught your cooking bug and am going to make chicken soup ...without the chicken...so vegetable soup I guess ...maybe some no yeast bread too.. I have nothing but mistakes with yeast...

....thinking of you Nova and I hope your day opens up to some sunbreaks.  coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... veggie soup and bread, sounds good ... I got as creative as a bacon and tomato sandwich ... and I am now going to open up the bag of chips I got this morning ...

 

I have watching episodes of Homeland this afternoon ... and will continue to do so until I fall asleep ...

 

It hadn't started snowing when I was out this morning ... that's why I went out early ... snowed maybe 3 or 4 inches this afternoon ... but it is not cold ... this one was more like thick rain ...

 

Hope you have a good day ...

[[Co...]]

How ya doing Nova?.  Oh ..  bacon and tomato sandwhich..delicious. And chips ...and cookies (?) too?...a cozy food day at your house.

.....My veggie soup turned out to be mushroom soup...it is good.  The bread. just a simple batter bread..perfect with the soup.  I want a glass of wine too, but already dealing with boatyness so not tonight..

.....It's been another cycle day. ..moments of clarity and okayness  then the curtain drops again with anxiety.  And around and around we go. ..just trying to stay with my zen, but it keeps shifting...trying to focus on a movie.. 10 second intervals of concentration....Tomorrow is another day...hoping for at least ' doable'. ....Enjoy Homeland everyone seems to be into that particular program. I have not seen it , might have to give it a try.  ..Rest well Nova ...Wishing you sunbreaks tomorrow.  coop

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone!

There have been lots of posts since I posted last and I haven't read them yet, but I wanted to give a quick update. I'm back home from my trip and, overall, I had a wonderful time. I battled a horrible cold the whole time, and that spurred some health anxiety at times, but I did ok even through that. My wavy times weren't more than a couple of hours and they didn't slow me down any.....well, that's not true, I walked up the Rocky steps (from the movie) in Philadelphia rather than run them. I felt joy and peace often throughout the 10 days. I slept great. I only had trouble eating, due to anxiety, one day during lunch and only ate an apple rather than a famous Philly cheesesteak, but other than that I sampled everything. It was a truly wonderful time.

 

I conquered a lot of my fears by going. I had 4 flights, and no panic. I was able to keep up with a long and very busy tour without stopping (we were on the go about 14 hours a day and walked an average of 7 miles per day!). I even dealt with some health fear as I had to go on an antibiotic and a prescription decongestant when I got home as my cold morphed into a sinus infection and double ear infection. I have been very afraid of having to take medications, but I haven't had any problems with them.

 

I feel stronger now, empowered, almost normal. I feel like I can deal with things and be ok. I have made it through the loss of our house, moving, this big trip, illness....and I have been handling all these stressors, the good and the bad, like I would have pre-withdrawal.

 

Early this morning I woke up and lay there worrying about things, but I wasn't panicking as I used to. I didn't have the nasty cortisol rushes and physical reactions...I was simply worrying. It wasn't fun, but it felt more normal.

 

I still have some twinges, mostly health anxiety and some chest anxiety, but they are definitely twinges compared to how oppressive they have previously been. I realize that I may be thrown into another wave...but I may not. Either way I feel stronger than I have for a long, long time. I've been mostly living my life through this entire process, but I have been hanging on by my fingernails and I haven't been ENJOYING it....but the joy is returning. The blanket of fear has almost disappeared. I no longer feel so raw.  I am so thankful!

 

I hope this gives you some comfort. It really does get better and we end up stronger than we ever were. I was in a horrible and long wave at the 18 month mark, but things have improved immensely. On Wednesday I will be 21 months off Klonopin. I'm noticing that my trust in my body, in myself, is finally coming back!

 

Love to you all,

HH

[[No...]]

HH ... good news indeed ... glad to hear you are doing well ...

 

The only disappointment I can see is that you missed the Philly Cheesesteak ... 

[[Co...]]

HH...I can not even begin to tell you how absolutely joyous I am for you. You deserve this so very much. Your post will be getting me ( and anyone else who reads it) through another day of w/d with huge hope and encouragement to go another day.  Thank you do very much for taking the time out of your happy busy day to post this to us. I remember that terrible wave you went through a few months ago....Now look ...It seems as though for you, you reached a place of healing, turned a difinitive corner and healing went from 0to60 ...

.....  Congratulations to you for putting on your brave and going on your trip. The thing that strikes me about your decision to go on your trip is that you knew when it was the right time. It seemed ad though it was somewhat of a gentle push to go but not a forceful push through active acute fear and panic.. ...

.....Enjoy enjoy enjoy....love to you...coop

[[sa...]]

HH,

 

Your doing more than most at this point. It sound like you are beginning to get your life back and hopefully you will not return to the waves. I pray that this time is yours and that healing will follow you now. It's time to pick up the pieces of your life and get back to living. Good luck!

 

Myself, I have had five days of windows following a horrible 11 day wave of nausea and fear. I feel better than I ever have right now. No nausea, no fear, no tinnitus, no depression, nothing... I feel like my head is tingling with good feeling. I went and visited my dad and took him out to lunch and felt perfectly normal. I haven't been out to eat in 33 months, amazing. It's all gone right now. I pray that this is it. I've never felt this good during the entire tapper and w/d. I'm so scared that it will come back like it always has, but for now I'm just going to try to enjoy the good feeling. I'll kee you all posted on my progress.

[[Co...]]

Sas. ...I am so happy to hear that you are getting effortless mind days.  And 5 in a row.. wonderful. When I get those effortless mind days they seem like little promises of a permanent return to our lives when this is over. So sweet that in your windows you chose to share time with your dad.

...Thank you Sas. for sharing your windows here ...We really need all the goid news and positivity to get us through these last tough waves.

......I hope your windows just keep going ... enjoy...you have waited so long for this.  coop

[[be...]]

Hey all,

I have been in a wave for two days but I didn't let it stop me from going g to church this morning and brunch with my granddaughter. Afterwards we stopped at a craft store and she had a good time while I didn't. I have a memory of her having a good time which will make me feel good when out of this wave...does this make sense ?

Usually when I'm in wave I really don't do anything but wait till the wave passes, but now I'm doing things on wavy days because I'm tired of waiting.

More things are changing for the better!!!! A stronger desire to get out there and live.

In church this morning I could feel God's love for me...I lost that along the way...so blessed to feel love  and compassion again.

Through this whole process it was very hard for me to give or receive love.....I have hated this feeling more than anything. Love and compassion took a backseat for the longest time. I know my family has noticed this has happened....we just didn't talk about it. They know I have been ill and they are playing the waiting game with me. They are seeing positive changes in me and know that I'm healing.

I have a lot of loving to catch up on....and it's all good.

Have a blessed Sunday!!  Much healing to all of you.

[[sa...]]

beulah,

 

I know what you mean by love being missing during this. I feel like I have not felt love or God at all through this. Emotional blunting is very hard on us. Part of the depersonalization I think. I too am starting to get little breaks of love feelings again. They come and go, but it's good to know they are there and that we are still capable of feeling love. That zest for life is key. I believe it is trying to come back and it's a sign that we are close to healed.

 

Hang in there. Soon we will feel awesome all the time and the love will be flowing in our lives like never before.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Beulah♡♡....Reading your post made tears roll off my cheeks..I am so joyful for you...that you are feeling the healing ....you have come through so much and traveled for such a long time....hugs and hugs to you. ...Yes, the feeling of "not having a good time", but being able to recall the event later with appreciation is very frequent to me. It's like just being on the cognitive level with the activity...observing it in your mind but not feeling it. But it sounds like you were very much in the moment and enjoying church and brunch. So wonderful.  Beulah are you in month 18/19? ....

....There are some truly happy encouraging posts here today. Thank you Beulah for posting . There has been a lot of wavy gravy stuff going on here for a little while and discouragement. Your post will go such a long way in getting some of us out of the waves...

......Live it to the hilt friend.  Love to you....coop

[[be...]]

beulah,

 

I know what you mean by love being missing during this. I feel like I have not felt love or God at all through this. Emotional blunting is very hard on us. Part of the depersonalization I think. I too am starting to get little breaks of love feelings again. They come and go, but it's good to know they are there and that we are still capable of feeling love. That zest for life is key. I believe it is trying to come back and it's a sign that we are close to healed.

 

Hang in there. Soon we will feel awesome all the time and the love will be flowing in our lives like never before.

 

Thank you, sasquach. Yes indeed, we need to love and feel love...it's part of who we are. Withdrawal strips of of so many emotions and good feelings. You sound like you're getting there and it feels great to just feel like I have a heart again.  A Heartfelt hug to you.

[[be...]]

My dearest coop, I'm sure those were heartfelt tears rolling down your cheeks...feels good doesn't it.

Today is 20 months off

You being a grandma I will share something with you. Earlier in withdrawal, acute and a little further out I asked my daughter to not bring my granddaughter to visit till she heard from me. I love my kids and my granddaughter with all my heart. That special indescribable love I have for my granddaughter, I could not feel it...at all. This disturbed me so badly that I could not stand to be around her without feeling...it hurt so incredibly bad...I wanted to die.

I craved to feel love for my family...but it wasn't there. My husband has been feeling so unloved for so long....I can see it in his face. I can feel in my heart that all of this is going to change now, it may take a while for my heart to completely unlock but this is definitely a step in the right direction.

Tears of joy are a good thing. Many heartfelt hugs and kisses to you.