12-18 month support

[[pe...]]

Ok gang,

I keep telling myself, "This is not the time when things go wrong. This is the time things go right! This is not the time when things fall apart, this when it all comes together."

 

And breathe.

 

Coop - spring break starts tomorrow at 3:00 when the last parent walks out the door.

[[Co...]]

Peace...omgsh..I don't know how you did it but you made it all the way through Sept. start to Spring break....HUGE C0NGRATULATIONS.  Yes...this is the time when things go right....thank you so much for that thought today.......

........love you....coop

[[Gr...]]

Hello, my dearest buddies.

 

This is a very tough wave, I guess it approximates the big, milestone 18 month wave, which is still three weeks away for me, but I was always an overachiever .  Seriously, I have wild mental symptoms, that leave me breathless. mood, feeling crazy, crying jags, hopeful, angry, raging, feeling really unstable, wondering if I really am crazy, wondering if this is "all me," and this is in the space of 15 minutes. Thank goodness FJ talked me off a ledge, in a PM. thank goodness Coop PM'd me, letting me know I was not alone, not alone, thank God for that.  Thank goodness I dug up Renewal and Recovery, Baylissa's book, and so now at least I know it's a wave, and she's got a big list of the mental symptoms, and I have all of them, lol, and have had for a long time.  only they're really bad now.  so at least I reassured myself, it's withdrawal, it will pass.  but those mental symptoms are very challenging, making me doubt.  I didn't know that the doubt was actually a symptom in and of itself.  anyway, i'm too mentally unstable to stay here long, I don't trust what I think and say, my rational voice barely has control over this wild group of bad boy thoughts.  so i'll be back when I'm a little more stable.  boy, you know you're really crazy, when you feel too crazy for benzo buddies!  lol.

 

In spite of all these crazy thoughts, the physical symptoms, I feel more certain than ever that we are healing.  Baylissa's book was a lifesaver.  I haven't read it since acute.  and boy, did I ever need it now.  I understand how people reinstate this far out, it's really tough.  ttyl.

 

[[Co...]]

Green...your faith in this process...in the midst of misery truly inspires me to get through this. I am still riding this wave with you....miserable anxiety and health fears....but with like 5 minute sunbreaks...how nuts is that....miserable....5 minute break....miserable.. 

......I totally get too hammered by a wave to come to BBs ....I will be thinking of you and wishing you healing....permanent healing!.....love to you dear friend....you are going to row out of this one...it's a brutal one. .Benzo's last big effort before defeat....

[[No...]]

Green ... it is indeed a very tough place to be ... and you will get through this ...

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... yep ... miserable ... short commercial break ... miserable ... short commercial break ...

 

Will somebody please change the channel ...

[[Sk...]]

Coop ... yep ... miserable ... short commercial break ... miserable ... short commercial break ...

 

Will somebody please change the channel ...

 

Ditto. 

[[dr...]]

hi all...took a small bit of doxy which helped me sleep.  I save it for when I am in heavy sleep dep mode.  I am making it through the day.  I have had one meeting already and one more at noon.  I also have my last performance for a month tonight.  I am symptomatic but I am not anxiety ridden. Not a window by any means.  This is jsut manageable and that will have to do for now.  I am just accepting all symptoms as my body as healing and moving forward. 

 

Coop-good luck at eye doc.  Thinking of you

 

Green-I have read Recovery and Renewal at least 10X this wave.  it is the biggest help to ground me.  I am working on many of the ideas she prescribes.  Such as acceptance.  Hope you get out of this soon. 

 

Nova and sky-feel better

 

Peace-can't believe how much you are doing.  You sound well even with all that going on

 

Mrs-keep challenging the fear of exercise and also realize it may just be your CNS is just too sensitve to avoid the symptoms but how you react can be controlled

 

thin I got everyone...if not I'm sorry

[[Fi...]]

Greetings, all.  I have been following all of your stories, even though I've kept my posts to other parts of the forum, feeling that the set up of your thread works well for those of you who have been hanging in there together for so long.  Perhaps because of Susan saying what I'd written her helped, I'm going to stick my neck out with some thoughts that might be applicable here.  If they help, great.  If not, feel free to ignore.

 

I recently visited with the real life friend who directed me to the BB board in the first place.  She had a horrible, dragged out time coming off of short-term Klonopin use.  She is now 100% well.  While acknowledging that she probably couldn't have done otherwise at the time, she says that looking back she wishes she hadn't devoted so much emotional energy to examining her every symptom in detail.  None of it mattered, she said, BECAUSE IT ALL WENT AWAY.  When I reminded her how far out I now am--19 months--she said stop counting.  Look forward.  Try to focus on the ways I'm improving.

 

So that's what I'm trying to do now.  I realized that when I'd be hit by yet another wave, I would add to the misery of it by lamenting how long I'd been at this, how I'd really hoped in the last window that I was finally well etc.  This is all useless.  It doesn't matter how many wave and window cycles I've endured, I'm apparently still not well and need to help myself by being accepting and patient.

 

I've never understood the business of actually CELEBRATING these mile posts.  Congratulations, you've made it 13 months etc.  I understand this with people in AA, people dealing with the psychology of addiction, where every day they hold off from that drink or pill is a victory, because the further out they get, the better the chances they'll be able to stay the course.  But this is not what's going on with us on the BB board, right? 

 

I have never been anything but appalled at reaching any particular milestone and usually freaked out that day--a year since my surgery- a year since I went off Oxycodone, a year since I went off of Xanax, two years since I went off Oxycodone etc.  People on other parts of the board express similar feelings because NOBODY IS EVER DOING AS WELL AS THEY HOPED BY ANY GIVEN DATE.  Doesn't somehow thinking they should feel celebratory miss the mark and only add to their feelings of guilt for somehow not being a person who could heal quickly?

 

Everybody on the 12-18 months thread has, by definition, been at this way longer than they ever dreamed. Might it be more helpful to stop focussing on counting the days of suffering and look ahead just one day at a time? Try to make that day the best it can be?  And I mean this even when the best you can do is simply to survive the day.

 

I'm grateful for every day that was good enough that I managed to accomplish something or experience some joy.  Otherwise, do I have to look back at the over two and half years since my surgery as a total loss?  I'm thinking of people with terminal cancer who undergo what is apparently the unpleasantness of chemo in order to buy as much good time as possible.  Are we a little like that, putting in the bad time, hoping for as much good time as possible?  And yet remember--nobody's told us we're terminal!  In fact, everyone tells us we will eventually heal.  Lots of people with dire prognoses would be so glad to switch for ours, I'm sure, even we all remain in agreement that benzo withdrawal is surely the worst hell imaginable.

 

Right before Christmas a gym buddy of mine suddenly died of the flu.  Last week a woman who'd been in my writer's group died of ovarian cancer.  I am still struggling, but yes, I'm still alive.  Nobody has yet told me "Game Over," so--yes--I get to keep playing. 

 

I hope this advice helps somebody. I may have to re-read it myself when the next bad wave hits, but my hope is to try alter my emotional circumstances at this point by altering the way I'm looking at it.   

[[dr...]]

FJ-good post!  I am trying to work on exactly what you are talking about.  Obviously, some times it is easier than others.  On the bad das I can't just hide under my blankets so I internalize it.  That is where I am hoping my CBT comes into play.  It is just symptoms of a SYNDROME which we all heal from.

 

On  the milestones I don't think of them as victories or celebrations more of just a bit closer to being healed. 

[[Fi...]]

Drew--I think it's great you're doing CBT.  I've always been a big believer in it but feel in benzo withdrawal you have to heal to a certain point before you can put it to use.  (And you are clearly there!) Do you know the book Feeling Good by Dr. Burns?  Kind of a cheap version of doing CBT for people who want to understand it without committing to a therapist.  I used to go around telling my husband, "Okay, I'm going to Dr. Burns this issue."  And it would help!

[[No...]]

FJ ... hmmm ...

 

Wendell Berry writes about memory and community ... he writes about its maintenance and its loss ... he writes about the necessity to be aware of where we come from, where we have been, and about the wonder that is today ... and about how yesterday informs today ...

 

For me the milestones help mark the land I have walked these past forty-four months ... they are touchstones for myself and for others ... and they are necessary for me ...

 

They celebrate my steadfastness ... they acknowledge the passage of my time within this process ... they remind me that the journey I started many months ago is a slow, steady, and patient progress towards recovery ... each day they help me to remember that healing takes time and acceptance ...

 

And ... for me, being aware of my cycles of symptoms is important to me ... and yes, they will all go away in time ... and I believe that remembering these cycles of symptoms, remembering what they feel like, remembering how they are strung together will help me in the future ... for me, this remembering is a necessary part of my healing ...

 

Coming from a background of physical and mental abuse, I have learned that what I do not remember, acknowledge, and integrate from an abusive process will harm my well-being down the road ... and yes, my being held captive to the drug for so long by those who should have known better is nothing other than abuse ... I am not responsible for what happened to me ... I am responsible for my recovery from this abuse...

 

I am a very tiny drop in this ocean of recovery ... and part of the gift of my recovery is my responsibility to remember ... this process of the drugging of so many people without just cause is abuse ... and it is getting worse ... and will continue to get worse for the foreseeable future ...

 

The blessing ... Lest We Forget ... comes to mind ...

 

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... how was your day? ...

[[je...]]

Beautiful post Nova 

Peace- I'm so proud of you, look how far you've come! Remember back in October you didn't think you could finish the school year? Your almost at the end of the school year! Stress is inevitable but I think you are handling it well. Love ya 

Green- so sorry you are in such a bad wave.. Just know that it will end, this is not the real you, & we all have your back. We are all here for you, and your gonna get through this feeling better than before. Hugs

Hi Coop- how did the appt go? Thinking of you 

Drew- you sound much better

 

[[Fi...]]

Nova-- I didn't write this post to argue and like I said, please ignore me if this isn't helpful to you.  Whatever helps you get through is what you should do.

 

I'm not really talking about the process of the whole thing, though.  I'm talking about strategies that for me, at least, will help me get from one day to the next.

 

I expect you will be 100% well by the time I publish my book, which I will not be putting out there until I am 100% well too.  You may not care to revisit all this by then.  If you do, you will see that I have absolutely paid attention and remembered every step of my journey, and hope in recounting the story it will be of comfort to others who will relate to my recorded feelings and descriptions of the various conflicts along the way. 

 

I would love nothing more than to see you begin to suffer less than you seem to be.

[[Co...]]

Nova....that is so spot on..I book marked it...Thank you thank you....

.....This is what I love about this thread. Whatever you are feeling....whatever you need to say, celebrate or rant against or grieve for....it is ALL good. There is so much trust and acceptance here. The entire time I have been here there has not been one conflict or rejection of any person

The peeps here are full of understanding patience and huge validation and acceptance. W/d is such an individual unpredictable process. Each one of us experiences w/d so differently...day to day...even hour to hour and minute to minute.

.....For me, I need to freely express what is happening in the moment. Green defined it perfectly....validation....simply acceptance and validation

I need to express how awful it is for me ...not anyone else just me, to be 16.5 months out and having panics...because this is the one place where I can come and rant and cry and want to give up. ....Not positive...not pretty but utterly true and utterly in need of support. In those moments any number of loving friends come to my side. On my many positive days I try to pass it around without discounting anybody's suffering. When I am suffering I need to suffer in the non judgemental community of those who are also suffering. I am very thankful for every day...I am a cancer survivor and w/d , for me has been so much worse and I need to be able to say that....In a window I want to share it and spread it around as a statement of hope for others and because I know every person on here will be happy for me. . Sharing of sx has helped me so much because if 3 other people say they are having panics and d/r it helps me ( and everyone else reading the post) know once again that it is indeed only w/d ...not a heart attack. It is just as important to share the down and scary times as it is to share the windows and healings.

    This thread is my one true north. Nova had sat up with me several nights listening to my suffering and litany of sx...I know when I share my good news when it comes along he knows how sacred a good day can be...because he has seen my worst. When I express my doubts Green provides a mantra to light the long dark way, " no body gets left behind"...Peace assures me that my presence here, though I am so imperfect and have screwed up my w/d more than once, is helpful. Sky shows us vulnerability and bravery so we can accept our own vulnerability and find our own lost courage. Drew holds every single one of us up no matter how down we are...

....There is so much more but this is getting long

...Put simply ...this is my Abbey...where I can come in whatever state I am in and find compassion.

.....I love and deeply thank every single person here . ...love coop

 

[[dr...]]

Coop...nice short post...now how about the eye dr visit? 

[[dr...]]

Couldn't help myself

[[Co...]]

Drew,...hahaha....I am not known for my brevity of verbiage.

..Drew!...it was so nothing!...No brain tumor...no glaucoma or cataracts... easy peasy...just as you guys said.. viscosity torn away...no treatment needed...Whew!!!...my little tiny piece of bravery against phobic w/d fed medical fear.  Small triumphs..Thank you for your support and comradare in the face of doctor fear...

...How was your day.. still holding?...hope so...coop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... bit of a rough evening ... and feeling kinda down ... maybe I ate one two many meatballs ... who knows ...

 

Just sitting here listening to the pelting rain and the wind ...

[[No...]]

Coop ... good news about your eye ...

[[dr...]]

Superb! Until next time one of us freaks. Lol.  I'm holding up really well.  Mood improving and no anxiety.  Looking forward to performing(which I'm usually not beforehand) and I had three meetings today!  A bit wonky by the third but who cares.  Today is turning out well. 

 

So happy you worked yourself up over being healthy. 

 

Nova-thinking healing thoughts for you my friend.

[[No...]]

Drew ... have a fun evening ... good to hear you are on an upswing ...

[[mr...]]

Hiya gang,

 

Just stopping by to say hi, and many thanks for the warm posts and replies.  Today has been an incredible day!  I am so grateful.

 

Drew, I think you are right about finding a blend between pushing the boundaries of "safety" but at the same time not going overboard either.  I tested the waters again today, with just a little less intensity, and was wildly successful - hooray!  Exercise is beginning to help, and I am grateful for that.

 

Nova ~ friend.  Hang tight and glide on through this; on the other side is an incredible corner to turn!

 

Coop ~ I am SO proud of you!  Something in my heart just sings when someone decides to spit in the face of fear and move forward anyways ~ I dunno, perhaps the lioness in me or something!   And, of course, everything looks great!  Just like we knew it would be

 

Jenny ~ thanks again for picking me up yesterday.  You were right there, posting almost immediately after I did.  It meant a lot to me!

 

Green ~ I am sending you    I can relate to the thoughts, feelings, and "brain train" that you speak of.  Argh!  But hang tight ~ you will be feeling an incredible turn for the better very soon here!  I'm excited to read of it shortly

 

Sky, hope you're fairing well today also

 

FJ - good to see you back around these parts here!  Hope you're feeling better all the time

 

And to everyone else I've missed...my apologies, as you know how it can go at times   Off to eat some supper and relax for the evening ~ 'nuff with the computer screens for tonight

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... glad you had an incredible day ... enjoy your evening ...