12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

On a more serious note...my lips and right eye are burning like crazy...I chopped a jalapeño and then rubbed my face. Argh!

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... slept like a rock for the better part of five hours ... and feel pretty good ... woke up with a sense of anticipation rather than the fear of yesterday ... 

[[No...]]

HH ... good news ... glad you tossed out the soup ... it is getting pretty stale ...

 

Regarding the ears ... as Coop says ... either/or ... of late I often feel I have a set of too tight headphones on ...

 

Enjoy your trip ... this is what memories are made of ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... I don't get the book on the head thingie ... rather, for me, feels like the big oaf has his mitt clamped to the front of my face and head ... and gets a little fun out of squeezing ...

 

You sound good ... in the flow ...

[[No...]]

Korbe  ... thank you for your reassurance ... hope you had a quiet day ...

[[Co...]]

Drew,.  Yes intrusive thoughts have plagued me from the beginning. Mine are always of the existential type...death , dying, health fears..horrible ' pop up' images that come from nowhere. Thingsmy own mind would never in a million years create on its own. I have a recurring dream of jumping off a bridge , fighting in the water.  and not being able to wake up. I have never once.  not on the worst of days thought of suicide. I have never had this dream in a window. I had been free of it for months....until this wave. ..In a window I have NO  intrusive thoughts so I know it is all w/d. I can usually distract from them fairly well and they are happening less.

  ..I don't think I have read posts from anyone who doesn't suffer from them to some degree. It's all w/d ...it will let up

when you have a window you won't even be able to really remember them...Is there any feature of 'crazy' that w/d doesn't hit us with?......coop

[[mr...]]

Yes Drew, intrusives - oh what fun it is to ride in a one-track benzo'd mind - hey!    Mine typically try to play a rotating "tune" about "what if XYZ happens, you "can't" handle it..." Lies. Or, I'll be doing something or going somewhere, and a "gruesome" or "scary" scenario of what "could" happen will just "pop" into my head. Again, lies. And annoying as piss.

 

Totally "normal". For now. Temporary.

 

A year from now, we won't even be relatable to this kind of stuff anymore.

 

Jalapeños - they git ya every time!

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Whyowhy2013 ... thanks for dropping by and letting us know how you are doing ... "yep" to your post ... all the usual suspects ... it the words of the immortal Red Green ... all we have to do is keep our stick on the ice ... everything else takes care of itself ...

 

Be Well ...

[[mr...]]

Whyowhy2013 ... thanks for dropping by and letting us know how you are doing ... "yep" to your post ... all the usual suspects ... it the words of the immortal Red Green ... all we have to do is keep our stick on the ice ... everything else takes care of itself ...

 

Be Well ...

 

Aww, Red Green!! :smitten:   My beloved grandmother's favorite comedian! (She's also the beauty wearing the clown costume in my avatar pic ) She passed away just over three years ago Such fond memories of her full-deep-gut laughter from watching her listen to him on record!!

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Coop ... a big, juicy sliver of a Spring moon floating out there tonight ... woke up to it ... good omen ...

 

The parsing of today's adventure will take several days for me to sort through ... I look forward to it ...

 

First thoughts ... my biggest fear ... disappearing ... came for a visit ... we had an interesting discussion ... and I was able to "stay at the table" ... and so what if we had lunch at the ER ... I got today's "work" done and stayed in the game ... I am certainly a long way down the healing road ... besides, what else was there to do today while the snow melts? ...

 

Good to hear you are feeling your baseline returning ... we keep on keeping on ... down this Glory Road ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova.  you are sounding like you are bouncing back ...as much as someone can after a 9 alarm panic and bad er trip. Glad you did not wake up to fear.. .when you say anticipation do you mean good anticipation? .  I hope so.

....When you mentioned the " too tight ear phones"...do you mean temple pressure that is somewhat painful? ...I had some of that with the dizziness that came in my current wave.  You described it perfectly. .  So happy to hear that you  are surfacing nicely from your trauma.. coop

[[No...]]

Mrs ... your grandmother new a good thing when she saw it ... "duck tape" forever ... 

[[No...]]

Coop ... the headphones ... no pain sensation ... just pressure ... sometimes intense, sometimes uncomfortable ... for me, a sinus kind of thing rather than the temples ... and the ear pressure ...

 

I am "anticipating" good things ... in a way I knew this fear was sitting there, in the background ... knew it was something I would face "down the road" ... well, it showed up today ... and we "did lunch" ... sort of a preliminary meeting ... work to do, certainly ...

 

A "when the student is ready, the teacher appears" sort of thing ... I take this as a good sign ...

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

Nova-- so sorry to hear about your er visit. Weird how this fear/anxiety thing can still plague us this far out. I'm so glad to hear you are home, safe, and feeling better 

HH-- I had the clogged ear sx  at around 8 months out and it still comes and goes from time to time. Its most definitely a w/d sx . I hope you feel better soon 

 

Hi everyone! I'm just catching up and it looks like another day of great posts. Love you all, jenny

[[No...]]

Posted this over on the Chop Wood, Carry Water blog ...

 

Got a solid five hours of sleep ... feel good, refreshed ...

 

Here is my take on Monday's event ... comments welcome ...

 

And many of you here probably already "know" this stuff ... so this is mostly about an old fella just "catching up" ... another of my little "epiphanies" as MindSeeker has reassuringly named them ...

 

And ... these thoughts are all within the context of my narrative, my story ...

 

The terror/fear I experienced was not "what showed up" ... rather, the terror/fear was my first, and long standing, response to "what showed up" ... Monday's "work" was for me to make this distinction, this separation ... to "own" my response ... to see it in the clear light of day ... to amplify this awareness ... that work continues ... just getting started ... for me, another epiphany ...

 

"What showed up" was Energy, Life Energy, the Kundalini, the Chi, the Shaman's Drum, the Bushman's Dance, The Singing of the Sphere's, The Ecstatic, The Alchemical Fire, the Fire that Transforms but does not Consume, The Goddess, Mother Nature ... the energy within all ... the energy that binds all ... Love ...

 

And for some reason, since before I was born ... I have been afraid ... afraid of being consumed, afraid of disappearing ...

 

Monday's gift, Monday's blessing, was to see the space between the two ... my fear and Life ... they are not the same ... and to rest in that space for a while ... feel it, get to know it ... this meadow ...

 

When the student is ready, the teacher appears ...

 

So ... time to tidy up the rest of my healing journey ... and that will take a while yet ... and there will be more "adventures" along that road ... and ... I can see the vista beyond the top of the healing mountain ... and I anticipate coming down from the mountain and returning to Life ... and my heart is singing ...

 

And for me, there is a teaching here ...

 

And Blessings ...

 

Namaste ... Be Well ...

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... good to see you ... wishing you well ... 

[[Gr...]]

OMG Michael--what a story.  I hate this for you, that you not only had to feel so lousy but to have to take that crap from the doc who wouldn't help you before.  I'm glad your wife was there with you and you guys could walk out the door.

 

I am so looking forward to the story of when you are well.  You will show them, that's all!

 

FJ, I am very glad to see you here!  you've been missed!

 

Michael, I'm a little horrified, I'm sitting here with my mouth open trying to digest what happened today.  First, how are you handling it?  Are you rattled?  Do you feel like you've got a handle on it now?

 

I can't believe the gall of that woman.  who told you.  I hate all of them.  I'm glad you had your wife with you, and that you both walked right out the door.

[[Gr...]]

Ohhhh Nova...first of all I am so glad you are okay.  And so sorry this happened to you.  And so mad I could spit regarding the ' other' doctor.....unbelievable. How are you feeling now? ...I have to agree with you about the assumption of PTSD.  ...So many of my panics and health fears contain elements of my b/p and palps crises that sent me to er. The physical panic was horrible and going to er ramped it up by 1000x not because it wasn't the right thing ,but because once I was there everything moved at crises speed...so scary , I was 100% convinced that I was dying. Like you, both times everything came back totally and completely normal . I still can't remember those episodes without fear and they become front and center in current anxiety/panic episodes.

.. This has been a tough wave here too with as you say, features like near panic from early tolerance. I would get near panics and syncope like episodes in between. doses. ...Nova, maybe this is the last big awful wave before healing. I really hope so. I am so glad your wife was with you.  and walking out was entirely right. I am livid to hear that anyone had the stupidity and audacity to suggest that you needed anyone's " permission" to get off benzos. ...eerrrr

.....If it is any cosolation, my friend's husband ...who is in his 60s and 26 months off Depakote had an er trip to er at month 24...with heart attack sx... he was having a panic and his tests were good.

....I hope you are resting and feeling a little more 'back in your body'...so so sorry Nova....love to you dear friend.. coop

 

Nova,

 

I just want to add to that.  I'm thinking a little PTSD, also, that makes sense to me.  At this point, we are all just so physically and emotionally exhausted, it's been so long now.  And you've been strong and stoic, but it has to be taking it's toll.  I think you're just plain exhausted.  Let's hope you get some breaks.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I made it through the day and actually enjoyed several parts of it. I felt like I was dying several times, too....but I haven't yet.  My health anxiety is up and I'm definitely in a wave. On the scale of waves, it's not too bad, but I hate it none-the-less. I wasn't able to back down at all from the schedule today as we were off the bus from about 10am to 7pm. No home base, no place to take a breather....but I did it.

 

Have any of you experienced clogged up ears as a wave symptom? My ears are all stuffed up, like I have ear plugs in. They have been this way all week, since the plane ride. I DO have a bit of the cold left, but I am wondering if the ear thing is part of this wave.

 

Tomorrow is going to be fun as we are seeing interesting places in DC. I am determined that wave or no wave I am going to enjoy it. Maybe I'll even wake up and be wave free! 

 

HH,

 

Yes, on the ear thing, I get horrible clogging, I'm always trying to blow my nose because I can't hear, like from being on a plane?  the air pressure?  it's very annoying.  I had it bad in acute.

 

Enjoy D.C.!  You're doing great.

[[No...]]

Green ... I am fine ... feeling pretty good actually ... how are you doing? ...

 

Monday was very, very hard ... and within the solid sleep that followed, I seem to have processed a lot of it ...

 

And ... that doc coming into the room and saying what she said was actually a blessing ... I think she was part of what broke the "spell" for me ... my wife and I were cheerful and made a few "un-professional" comments on the way home ... we were kind of expecting a denouement ... and got one ... 

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green.  You are making me look wimpy again. You went out in spite of fatigue and sx....I stayed in and had some chocolate and read a book. ...Today I can actually read a book. I did nothing all day, but it feels like the worst part of this wave is lifting. I had a lot of d/p for about half the day and then I just all of a sudden realized it was gone.  I would say that I am back at at least 80% .....holding my breath and crossing my fingers.. how are you doing today? .  coop

 

Coop, I was dragging a$$ today.  I had to return the shower gift, and I took a short walk and cooked.  But feeling very beat up and tired.  fatigue, body aches.  not the worst I've had them, not the best either. 

 

Yes, I have the DP on and off.  I had a few "windows of clarity" right in the middle of the day.  It's so weird, because it makes me so much more aware of how heavy the fog is, when it stops completely, and then starts again.

 

Maybe this is healing, Coop?  I sure do hope so.  Glad you had that chocolate.  How about your friend's chocolate caramel?  That's what you should celebrate with, they sound so good.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I am fine ... feeling pretty good actually ... how are you doing? ...

 

Monday was very, very hard ... and within the solid sleep that followed, I seem to have processed a lot of it ...

 

And ... that doc coming into the room and saying what she said was actually a blessing ... I think she was part of what broke the "spell" for me ... my wife and I were cheerful and made a few "un-professional" comments on the way home ... we were kind of expecting a denouement ... and got one ...

 

Yes, Michael, these health professionals' comments make me fighting mad these days.  I used to be more wimpy in my first year.  Now I want to punch them in the nose!  Maybe that means we're getting better?

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... got some more sleep ... lots of congestion this morning ... and feeling just fine for where I am at ...

 

Hope we all have a good Tuesday ...

[[Sk...]]

Whyowhy2013 ... thanks for dropping by and letting us know how you are doing ... "yep" to your post ... all the usual suspects ... it the words of the immortal Red Green ... all we have to do is keep our stick on the ice ... everything else takes care of itself ...

 

Be Well ...

 

Aww, Red Green!! :smitten:   My beloved grandmother's favorite comedian! (She's also the beauty wearing the clown costume in my avatar pic ) She passed away just over three years ago Such fond memories of her full-deep-gut laughter from watching her listen to him on record!!

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs, back when I did not know your age, I sort of hoped  you were the lady in the clown costume, it sort of matched what you posted.  She must have been a great person to be around.

 

Coop, yesterday I posted more because I was feeling so, so bad, but I could not bring myself to complain too much with all that was going on. But, yes, my writing has improved, even though, it goes right out the window on some days, some wavy days.

 

NOva, I agree, your unprofessional doctor walking in and saying that, maybe was the sort of cold shower you needed to snap the panic away.

 

What rankles is that we get to lose our jobs and have financial worries while they carry on being unprofessional. Am I the only one who would lose her job if I were unprofessional ?

 

HH, you should be so proud of yourself. You just prove that coming here is a good thing. You posted about your panic and then you went on and did your thing, wow ! I am so happy for you. 

 

Anyway, today I feel so much better, according to my logs, I should have a good 6 hours. But I do have some panic.

 

Mr SKy moved some furniture, and I went nuts, just n uts. He moved my office stuff, so that terrified me, everything is placed on what my memory needs during work, so I panicked. Arrrgh !

 

Hope things get better, and I don't panic so much anymore. We are very fragile creatures for the moment.

 

Good healing to everybody. 

[[mr...]]

Whyowhy2013 ... thanks for dropping by and letting us know how you are doing ... "yep" to your post ... all the usual suspects ... it the words of the immortal Red Green ... all we have to do is keep our stick on the ice ... everything else takes care of itself ...

 

Be Well ...

 

Aww, Red Green!! :smitten:   My beloved grandmother's favorite comedian! (She's also the beauty wearing the clown costume in my avatar pic ) She passed away just over three years ago Such fond memories of her full-deep-gut laughter from watching her listen to him on record!!

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs, back when I did not know your age, I sort of hoped  you were the lady in the clown costume, it sort of matched what you posted. She must have been a great person to be around.

 

Coop, yesterday I posted more because I was feeling so, so bad, but I could not bring myself to complain too much with all that was going on. But, yes, my writing has improved, even though, it goes right out the window on some days, some wavy days.

 

NOva, I agree, your unprofessional doctor walking in and saying that, maybe was the sort of cold shower you needed to snap the panic away.

 

What rankles is that we get to lose our jobs and have financial worries while they carry on being unprofessional. Am I the only one who would lose her job if I were unprofessional ?

 

HH, you should be so proud of yourself. You just prove that coming here is a good thing. You posted about your panic and then you went on and did your thing, wow ! I am so happy for you. 

 

Anyway, today I feel so much better, according to my logs, I should have a good 6 hours. But I do have some panic.

 

Mr SKy moved some furniture, and I went nuts, just n uts. He moved my office stuff, so that terrified me, everything is placed on what my memory needs during work, so I panicked. Arrrgh !

 

Hope things get better, and I don't panic so much anymore. We are very fragile creatures for the moment.

 

Good healing to everybody. 

 

Aww Sky, it means a lot to hear you say that I am honored to reflect and carry on a bit of her zest and personality! She helped raise my brother and I, so we are (were) very close to her - more like a mother than a grandmother

 

You sound like the crest of this awful wave is breaking, hooray for you! May it leave and never return

 

Mrs.