12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... had the worst morning I have had since back in tolerance ... panic/terror that was way off the charts for me ...

 

After I thought the first episode had settled down I tried to sleep again and got hit again ... just as hard as the first one ... and things would not settle down ... and I had the sense that I was spiralling out of control ... as had happened to me twice during tolerance ...

 

Back then I found myself in a dissociative state ... found myself outside in places I had no idea how I had gotten there ... and had no idea how to get home ...

 

I was very frightened ... spoke with my wife on the phone and told her I had to go to the hospital ... took a cab to the ER ... I needed some reassurance that I was not going to die ... my metaphor for being utterly and finally lost ... got them to do an electrocardiogram and a blood panel ... everything came back perfectly normal ... and I felt the air going out of the terror balloon ...

 

I have no idea why this stuff showed up overnight ... no idea at all ...

 

After the consultation telling me everything was "medically" fine, they told me they wanted me to talk to "another doctor" ... I knew what was coming and my wife was there with me so we agreed ... after getting confirmation that I was cleared to go home ...

 

This "other" doc walks into the room and without so much as a "howdy doo" she asks me who gave me permission to come off the K ... quote "you are not allowed to come off that drug without supervision" ...

 

My wife and I looked at each other, picked up our bags and walked out of the room ... and out of the hospital ...

 

She was one of three psychiatrists I saw when I was looking for help to come off K back some 5 years ago ... at the time she told me I was too old to come off the drug and had to stay on it the rest of my life ...

 

Small world ...

 

Feeling grounded/connected ... feel like I have been dragged through the knot hole backwards ... things are still revving ... and the terror has dissipated ...

 

And I am concerned what happens when I try to sleep again ... and I now know that this kind of episode is harmless ... so I figure I will be able to weather it ...

 

The medical response to the two episodes in the past was to up my dosage ... and that is no longer an option ...

 

Don't know what I can do about this symptom episode ... open to suggestions ... 

[[Ha...]]

Right here w ya at 15 months almost 16 back in a wave... oh I'm sick of this omg it takes so long.

[[Fi...]]

OMG Michael--what a story.  I hate this for you, that you not only had to feel so lousy but to have to take that crap from the doc who wouldn't help you before.  I'm glad your wife was there with you and you guys could walk out the door.

 

I am so looking forward to the story of when you are well.  You will show them, that's all!

[[No...]]

Thank you FJ ... it has been an interesting day ... this stuff sure can get adventurous ...

[[Fi...]]

Yeah..adventurous....made me smile.

[[dr...]]

I'm so sorry Nova that it came to that.  Hopefully the ER visit reassured you it is all withdrawal as I'm sure you know.  Just terrible.  How are you feeling right now?

[[No...]]

Drew ... feeling pretty dragged out ... that little adventure took a lot of energy and on almost no sleep ...

 

Still not able to riddle this one out ... my vote right now is for a PTSD-like flashback to some things that occurred during tolerance ...

 

The feeling tone of it was almost dream-like ... most of my physical stuff has a right now, wack and bang, very solid feeling ... this terror stuff was really elusive ... and the sensory, go slow, stay here stuff I do worked on the first on ... and I probably just ran out of steam when the second one hit ...

 

Have a good evening ...

[[Sk...]]

Nova, what a awful experience. What does your wife say ?

 

Are you afraid it might happen again ? Do you think it was due to the wave ?

 

The only bad thing of your ER experience was your meeting that doctor. I can't imagine a doctor saying, or even thinking, something so awful and stupid. And you' d think that by now, nothing would surprise us.

 

What she said can only strengthen your resolve that you are doing the right thing and you are going to be so well.

 

WHat a way to celebrate your 17 month !

 

A big hug to you, hang in there.

 

 

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ... it was a bit of an adventure ... hope you are having a quiet day ...

[[Co...]]

Ohhhh Nova...first of all I am so glad you are okay.  And so sorry this happened to you.  And so mad I could spit regarding the ' other' doctor.....unbelievable. How are you feeling now? ...I have to agree with you about the assumption of PTSD.  ...So many of my panics and health fears contain elements of my b/p and palps crises that sent me to er. The physical panic was horrible and going to er ramped it up by 1000x not because it wasn't the right thing ,but because once I was there everything moved at crises speed...so scary , I was 100% convinced that I was dying. Like you, both times everything came back totally and completely normal . I still can't remember those episodes without fear and they become front and center in current anxiety/panic episodes.

.. This has been a tough wave here too with as you say, features like near panic from early tolerance. I would get near panics and syncope like episodes in between. doses. ...Nova, maybe this is the last big awful wave before healing. I really hope so. I am so glad your wife was with you.  and walking out was entirely right. I am livid to hear that anyone had the stupidity and audacity to suggest that you needed anyone's " permission" to get off benzos. ...eerrrr

.....If it is any cosolation, my friend's husband ...who is in his 60s and 26 months off Depakote had an er trip to er at month 24...with heart attack sx... he was having a panic and his tests were good.

....I hope you are resting and feeling a little more 'back in your body'...so so sorry Nova....love to you dear friend.. coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, glad your migraine didn't materialize. ..Yes, I still wake up with anxiety, depression , dread and intrusive thoughts if I am in a wave. ...

.....You sound good again ...really hoping the Preventa is going to eventually keep the migraines at bay. ...Hope your evening holds .  coop

[[dr...]]

Hi coop-no panic or headache today.  Just feel like there is someone pushing down on the crown of my head.  Anyone ever get this one?  Can't make this up .  Coop-how's your wave?

[[Co...]]

Drew, the pressing on the head sensation seems to be common . I read one BB post describe it as having a really heavy book on top of your head. Someone else described it as thumbs pressing hard into the top of thier head. ...I have had similar pressing pressure sensation on the very top of my head that comes and goes. It's not frequent anymore .

.....Hope your evening is you just cruising along on your baseline... yay  for no migraine.  Whoot Whoot !!!!...coop

[[dr...]]

Hopefully I can absorb the knowledge from the book

 

Lots of ear hissing today too.  The construction crew is very busy w my gaba repair upstairs today.

[[Co...]]

Sky....wow .. a lot of writing from you today.. I hope that is because you are having a 'good' day. I know the writing has been hard for you all along.  Now a big long post from you...so good!  coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, lol....you are sounding back... enjoy...

[[Co...]]

HH, . How did your day go? .  I Hope it settled and you went on to enjoy your trip....I have such respect for you for going. I think anyone would have some anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed after 6 days,in NYC.  I can't even tell you how much I am following you. ...I hope your evening gives you some time to unplug and center .  Wishing you a peaceful night.  coop

[[Ko...]]

Nova,

So sorry you had such an awful day. You must have been really scared. Damn Benzos. I'm glad you walked out on that stupid doctor. I can't believe that happened.

 

Hope your feeling better now.

 

Well get through this,

[[Wh...]]

hey everyone..just checking in to say hi! Hope everyone is doing ok! I haven't had a chance to read through all the recent posts yet but it's been a couple months since I last posted! I was in a bad wave in January which conveniently let up the day I had to travel out of state with my daughter to a Cheer competition at the end of Janaury! I've been doing really well this whole time and I think I hit another wave on Saturday! It's been nothing crazy, but weird symptoms like my own voice being too loud (lol), a lot of tension in my neck and back, muscle spasms, and general anxiety. Today's been a little worse with nausea, skipped heart beats, and feeling kinda panicky with the lovely lump in my throat feeling. It's all been generally mild just annoying! I've been doing really well with no meds and really good nutrition but the last couple of days have left me taking 10mg of atarax a day which really is nothing so I should be thankful! I just don't want to be taking meds of any kind! I feel like I'm letting my body down when I have to take them. Nonetheless, Hopefully this is a short window! I'm keeping my fingers crossed! 

[[Co...]]

Hey Green.  You are making me look wimpy again. You went out in spite of fatigue and sx....I stayed in and had some chocolate and read a book. ...Today I can actually read a book. I did nothing all day, but it feels like the worst part of this wave is lifting. I had a lot of d/p for about half the day and then I just all of a sudden realized it was gone.  I would say that I am back at at least 80% .....holding my breath and crossing my fingers.. how are you doing today? .  coop

[[Co...]]

Whyowhy...boy you sound good. One year and a few months?

Your wave sx seem to reflect what a lot of us are getting in late waves after some weeks of feeling better.  A reappearance of anxiety episodes. ...It is so nice to hear that you feel so good for so long in between waves...so happy for you. . Thank you for coming back to post to us.  We can use some goid progress stories now. I hope it just keeps going for you.  coop

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I made it through the day and actually enjoyed several parts of it. I felt like I was dying several times, too....but I haven't yet.  My health anxiety is up and I'm definitely in a wave. On the scale of waves, it's not too bad, but I hate it none-the-less. I wasn't able to back down at all from the schedule today as we were off the bus from about 10am to 7pm. No home base, no place to take a breather....but I did it.

 

Have any of you experienced clogged up ears as a wave symptom? My ears are all stuffed up, like I have ear plugs in. They have been this way all week, since the plane ride. I DO have a bit of the cold left, but I am wondering if the ear thing is part of this wave.

 

Tomorrow is going to be fun as we are seeing interesting places in DC. I am determined that wave or no wave I am going to enjoy it. Maybe I'll even wake up and be wave free! 

 

[[He...]]

Nova,

I'm so sorry to hear about your day! I'm glad you checked out fine. This crap is all just withdrawal...we are not dying, despite how it feels. I'm tasting the soup today, too. It's WAY overdone and needs to be tossed out.

Big hugs and I am praying you have a restful night!

[[Co...]]

HH...you give me courage.. and confidence that we are all going to make it through this. Bless you for posting after a long wavy day.  I think your ears could be either or.  from w/d,or from lingering cold .. hope it lets up.  Have so much fun tomorrow.  ... coop

[[dr...]]

Great courage and movement forward here tonight! 

 

Hey...anyone here get intrusive thoughts?  I dismiss them quickly but they are so frightening. Mine revolve around death and violence.  I feel terrible even typing that as I would never do the things that pop in my head.  Apparently they are pretty common in recovery.  Sort of like swerving into oncoming traffic thoughts.  I don't see it discussed here often.  Baylissa mentions them too.  Shivers