12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Green ... yummers ... slow cooked roast pork ... gravy ... roasted potatoes and carrots ...

 

What's for desert? ...

[[No...]]

Sky ... yep ... the breakfast club ... see you there ... this stuff not letting up today ...

 

And like Green, way too much time on my hands ... sitting here listening to the wind bounce of the windows ... and cold again ...

[[He...]]

Hi my friends,

Day 2 in New York Ciry, Day 5 of my vacation. Things are still going well, although my ears are terribly plugged up. It is very disconcerting and its really bothering me. This cold I've had has been brutal and it seems to have settled in my ears.

 

The intensity of NYC has been somewhat anxiety inducing, especially Times Square last night, but i have not had anything that I wasn't able to quickly control. I'm still very, very thankful I decided to come!

 

Thinking of you all and sending you healing thoughts.

Love,

HH

[[dr...]]

Great posts today!!!  I'm a bit more grounded today.  I slept terrible w all the funky stuff but I forced myself to do a gentle 2mile walk.  My cog fog was a ten but after my walk and making breakfast it was a four.  I can deal.  Funny story-went to feed my cats and I filled their bowls w food but left it on the counter.  Poor dats are starving cause of my fog. 

 

Also had a check in w my therapist and we moved to phase two of cbt.  Me listing all my thoughts showed how irrational they are but rational talking to yourself doesn't really help during my waves.  He wants me to double down on my meditation.  A meditation of being in a happy calm place. I have to practice while not wavy to get used to how I feel in an "alpha" state which can then switch my thought pattern in a wave. It takes lots of practice and he feels it will be good whether it's pre existing or benzo fear. 

 

I've been taking the magnesium now for about a week. I do notice much less muscle soreness, tightness, and joint pain.

 

Special shout out to coop

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi my friends,

Day 2 in New York Ciry, Day 5 of my vacation. Things are still going well, although my ears are terribly plugged up. It is very disconcerting and its really bothering me. This cold I've had has been brutal and it seems to have settled in my ears.

 

The intensity of NYC has been somewhat anxiety inducing, especially Times Square last night, but i have not had anything that I wasn't able to quickly control. I'm still very, very thankful I decided to come!

 

Thinking of you all and sending you healing thoughts.

Love,

HH

 

THis is really great news. So nice of you to take the time to let us know how it is going. I can't imagine my CNS in New York ! So you are handling it really well. Gettting ready for many more healing days.

 

THis post gives me so much hope. no pun intended.

[[Sk...]]

Great posts today!!!  I'm a bit more grounded today.  I slept terrible w all the funky stuff but I forced myself to do a gentle 2mile walk.  My cog fog was a ten but after my walk and making breakfast it was a four.  I can deal.  Funny story-went to feed my cats and I filled their bowls w food but left it on the counter.  Poor dats are starving cause of my fog. 

 

Also had a check in w my therapist and we moved to phase two of cbt.  Me listing all my thoughts showed how irrational they are but rational talking to yourself doesn't really help during my waves.  He wants me to double down on my meditation.  A meditation of being in a happy calm place. I have to practice while not wavy to get used to how I feel in an "alpha" state which can then switch my thought pattern in a wave. It takes lots of practice and he feels it will be good whether it's pre existing or benzo fear. 

 

I've been taking the magnesium now for about a week. I do notice much less muscle soreness, tightness, and joint pain.

 

Special shout out to coop

 

Drew, the magnesium did me so much good, I am happy you seem to see some benefits. See if your girlfriend notices any changes. Mr Sky was the one to notice how much Magnesium was helping me, sometimes the opinion from the outside helps with the big picture.

 

I am going to throw away the garbage and then I will rush to bed, my heart is really pounding a lot and the vibrations are crazy.

 

I know this sounds sad, but I look forward to these little  night walks to the garbage, place, simple and uncomplicated is good for now. That is all the excitement I can take these days.

 

Have a nice evening everybody. HOpe a better, less wavy day awaits us tomorrow. BUt I would not put too much hope in that, so I will just hope for what will come for sure tomorrow, a little  more healing...

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18 Buddies....Great conversation going on regarding embarressment, humiliation, emotional abandonment, anger, shame, guilt and lack of support and validation....hope I got em all. Thank you so much Benzos. ...Is there nothing we don't suffer with? ...

...Well, everyone seems to be in deep or recovering from a wave. Except HH... HH, so happy to hear that you are so well. It is wonderful to know that you are enjoying NYC.  Overwhelming to everyone benzo or not. Boy, your post came at a perfect time. Lots of wavy sx going on here on the thread today. So encouraging . I am hanging on to your post today with both hands.  Enjoy Enjoy dear friend.

.....Nova...so sorry your day has been long and hard. Dinner sounds wonderful. I know the 'prison' feeling...It sounds like some better weather is coming your way ...hope you get some sun and warmth soon. Yes, the scream...I think it was Green who used to have 'The Scream ' avatar...I would scream too if I couldn't get out enough . ...Tomorrow is your month 18..  Wishing you healing and goodness in month 18.

......Sky, enjoy that bike ride. That's the thing about brain I juries they are so invisible even though our sx are entirely disabling when we are not feeling well.  Believe me, if anyone had our sx for a day and a half they would not trade us.. they have no idea. ...Sky I hope tomorrow is one of your good days. ..

......Satch. ....I am also in month 16 and my waves are also worse and longer.. totally frustrating. Just on a hopeful note. my windows are also better...I just need more of them.

.......Green..  what's up with the RN thing.  I thought they became  nurses out of compassion. All I hear from my dil is how hard it is, how gross it can be, how pts. bring so much of thier problems on themselves.. ..I honestly don't hear her ever saying how much she likes her work.. well, that was a little snarky vent...I also have a friend who is a nurse and she is wonderful.....loves her pts ...is a pt. advocate...but she also advises medication for everything.. Green, don't feel bad about being on BBs.  You help all of us so much. Where else can we go to give and receive support. I get scared too that everyone is going to heal and I will be here by myself. .  Me too.. learning to focus on myself and take care of myself when I need too. Yep, people have a hard time with that.  especially when our sx are invisible and up and down. I can't do half of what I used to for my family.  .and I loved doing it. Now I am less of the ' go to ' person. I used to host all the holidays.  .mercy....not the last 2 years...everybody lived..lol

. ...Drew, ....You sound so much better.  Yay!...There is a bunch of info about magnesium on the alternative and other medications boards. I would try it myself if I wasn't paranoid of everything including tylenol  now. I am so glad your anxiety wave is letting go.  Enjoy what is left of your weekend. 

......Well, I am having a day from hell.. more deep d/p and nauseating dizziness came along to play too. In bed most of the day.  The morning started out like it was going to tip in the direction of a window.  And ....Along came a big wave of dizzy and sat down beside me.  The d/p moved in .  And then there were  3....Anxiety ( borderline panic anxiety) ...Reading makes me sick ....but writing on my screen doesnt. ...The entire late morning and afternoon. Health fears rampant , wild and irrational..  some of those are burning themselves out now as I am worn out and in that spacey place of " I just don't care "  .....Like Green said about her energy being so much better last year, my d/p and benzo flu is so much worse this year....I want my 5 window days back. Hopefully tomorrow is a big effortless mind day ....for all of us. 

  ...Thank you to every single one of you.  This thread is my lifeline.  Wishing all a restful peaceful night.  Love , coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi my friends,

Day 2 in New York Ciry, Day 5 of my vacation. Things are still going well, although my ears are terribly plugged up. It is very disconcerting and its really bothering me. This cold I've had has been brutal and it seems to have settled in my ears.

 

The intensity of NYC has been somewhat anxiety inducing, especially Times Square last night, but i have not had anything that I wasn't able to quickly control. I'm still very, very thankful I decided to come!

 

Thinking of you all and sending you healing thoughts.

Love,

HH

 

Wow, HH, I was in Times Sq. last night, at Radio City!  You're going to be so glad you did this trip, even if you have some bad moments, it's going to increase your confidence level hugely.  Have fun!

[[He...]]

Hi my friends,

Day 2 in New York Ciry, Day 5 of my vacation. Things are still going well, although my ears are terribly plugged up. It is very disconcerting and its really bothering me. This cold I've had has been brutal and it seems to have settled in my ears.

 

The intensity of NYC has been somewhat anxiety inducing, especially Times Square last night, but i have not had anything that I wasn't able to quickly control. I'm still very, very thankful I decided to come!

 

Thinking of you all and sending you healing thoughts.

Love,

HH

 

Wow, HH, I was in Times Sq. last night, at Radio City!  You're going to be so glad you did this trip, even if you have some bad moments, it's going to increase your confidence level hugely.  Have fun!

 

You were?? How funny is that! We walked around a bit and then went to see the show An American in Paris.

[[Gr...]]

Hi 12-18 Buddies....Great conversation going on regarding embarressment, humiliation, emotional abandonment, anger, shame, guilt and lack of support and validation....hope I got em all. Thank you so much Benzos. ...Is there nothing we don't suffer with? ...

...Well, everyone seems to be in deep or recovering from a wave. Except HH... HH, so happy to hear that you are so well. It is wonderful to know that you are enjoying NYC.  Overwhelming to everyone benzo or not. Boy, your post came at a perfect time. Lots of wavy sx going on here on the thread today. So encouraging . I am hanging on to your post today with both hands.  Enjoy Enjoy dear friend.

.....Nova...so sorry your day has been long and hard. Dinner sounds wonderful. I know the 'prison' feeling...It sounds like some better weather is coming your way ...hope you get some sun and warmth soon. Yes, the scream...I think it was Green who used to have 'The Scream ' avatar...I would scream too if I couldn't get out enough . ...Tomorrow is your month 18..  Wishing you healing and goodness in month 18.

......Sky, enjoy that bike ride. That's the thing about brain I juries they are so invisible even though our sx are entirely disabling when we are not feeling well.  Believe me, if anyone had our sx for a day and a half they would not trade us.. they have no idea. ...Sky I hope tomorrow is one of your good days. ..

......Satch. ....I am also in month 16 and my waves are also worse and longer.. totally frustrating. Just on a hopeful note. my windows are also better...I just need more of them.

.......Green..  what's up with the RN thing.  I thought they became  nurses out of compassion. All I hear from my dil is how hard it is, how gross it can be, how pts. bring so much of thier problems on themselves.. ..I honestly don't hear her ever saying how much she likes her work.. well, that was a little snarky vent...I also have a friend who is a nurse and she is wonderful.....loves her pts ...is a pt. advocate...but she also advises medication for everything.. Green, don't feel bad about being on BBs.  You help all of us so much. Where else can we go to give and receive support. I get scared too that everyone is going to heal and I will be here by myself. .  Me too.. learning to focus on myself and take care of myself when I need too. Yep, people have a hard time with that.  especially when our sx are invisible and up and down. I can't do half of what I used to for my family.  .and I loved doing it. Now I am less of the ' go to ' person. I used to host all the holidays.  .mercy....not the last 2 years...everybody lived..lol

. ...Drew, ....You sound so much better.  Yay!...There is a bunch of info about magnesium on the alternative and other medications boards. I would try it myself if I wasn't paranoid of everything including tylenol  now. I am so glad your anxiety wave is letting go.  Enjoy what is left of your weekend. 

......Well, I am having a day from hell.. more deep d/p and nauseating dizziness came along to play too. In bed most of the day.  The morning started out like it was going to tip in the direction of a window.  And ....Along came a big wave of dizzy and sat down beside me.  The d/p moved in .  And then there were  3....Anxiety ( borderline panic anxiety) ...Reading makes me sick ....but writing on my screen doesnt. ...The entire late morning and afternoon. Health fears rampant , wild and irrational..  some of those are burning themselves out now as I am worn out and in that spacey place of " I just don't care "  .....Like Green said about her energy being so much better last year, my d/p and benzo flu is so much worse this year....I want my 5 window days back. Hopefully tomorrow is a big effortless mind day ....for all of us. 

  ...Thank you to every single one of you.  This thread is my lifeline.  Wishing all a restful peaceful night.  Love , coop

 

Coop, we're again on the same track.  I spent most of the day on the couch, I really couldn't get up, I just gave up and stayed there.  Threw the chili stuff in the slow cooker, and stayed on the couch.  I'm getting chills and always feel cold.  I'm so glad you shared about having that, and benzo flu, otherwise it would have freaked me out.

 

I forced myself into the shower and out to the store around 7 p.m. and don't feel too bad now.  I had to regroup, get my old benzo sx toolbox out, and go back to basics, reading all the positive stuff that helped me in the past, and coming here.  Let's hope this doesn't go on too long.

 

Sky, yes, I'm also totally doing less than last year. Than last month!  It has to get better. I don't think it can get worse.

 

Nova, no dessert! Roast pork sounds delicious.  I'm doing that on Tuesday, in the Dutch oven.

[[No...]]

HH ... so glad to hear your good news ... wishing you a continued good "vacation" ... 

[[Gr...]]

Great posts today!!!  I'm a bit more grounded today.  I slept terrible w all the funky stuff but I forced myself to do a gentle 2mile walk.  My cog fog was a ten but after my walk and making breakfast it was a four.  I can deal.  Funny story-went to feed my cats and I filled their bowls w food but left it on the counter.  Poor dats are starving cause of my fog. 

 

Also had a check in w my therapist and we moved to phase two of cbt.  Me listing all my thoughts showed how irrational they are but rational talking to yourself doesn't really help during my waves.  He wants me to double down on my meditation.  A meditation of being in a happy calm place. I have to practice while not wavy to get used to how I feel in an "alpha" state which can then switch my thought pattern in a wave. It takes lots of practice and he feels it will be good whether it's pre existing or benzo fear. 

 

I've been taking the magnesium now for about a week. I do notice much less muscle soreness, tightness, and joint pain.

 

Special shout out to coop

 

Give the CBT your best shot.  LifeforMe, he's gone now, he utilized all of that stuff, and it seems to have worked for him, we dont' see him much anymore

[[Gr...]]

Hi my friends,

Day 2 in New York Ciry, Day 5 of my vacation. Things are still going well, although my ears are terribly plugged up. It is very disconcerting and its really bothering me. This cold I've had has been brutal and it seems to have settled in my ears.

 

The intensity of NYC has been somewhat anxiety inducing, especially Times Square last night, but i have not had anything that I wasn't able to quickly control. I'm still very, very thankful I decided to come!

 

Thinking of you all and sending you healing thoughts.

Love,

HH

 

Wow, HH, I was in Times Sq. last night, at Radio City!  You're going to be so glad you did this trip, even if you have some bad moments, it's going to increase your confidence level hugely.  Have fun!

 

You were?? How funny is that! We walked around a bit and then went to see the show An American in Paris.

 

What did you think of American in Paris?

[[No...]]

Green - Coop - Sky - Drew ... what a day ... I got a couple of hours sleep and woke with a jolt ... give me a break ...

 

I have had that chill stuff lately ... used to be the sweating all the time ... go figure ...

[[Gr...]]

Green - Coop - Sky - Drew ... what a day ... I got a couple of hours sleep and woke with a jolt ... give me a break ...

 

I have had that chill stuff lately ... used to be the sweating all the time ... go figure ...

 

Nova, if I could give you a break, you know I would.  Yes, the chill, feeling cold, Coop says hers feels like benzo flu, yes, we're getting hit like a ton of bricks.  The jolt.  I woke up this morning to my heart hammering in my chest, pounding, skipping beats,  it's crazy.  I had to read all the positive stuff from the past, the Canadian doctor, whatever I could find.  We can't all be protracted, as Coop says.  it has to pass.

[[No...]]

Here is an interesting reflection ... think I have had it before ... but who knows ...

 

Am I contributing a bit to my own suffering experience by projecting some of the outside world's responses on myself ... making some demands on myself that, right now, are not helpful ...

 

And I have to answer yes ... sometimes ...

 

1. It is all in your head ... change your thinking, and everything will be fine ...

 

2. You are just lazy ... get out there and "do" something ...

 

3. This is not the drug ... cannot be ... this is just who you are ...

 

4. The internet ... you need to stop hanging out online with losers, complainers, and whiners ... go meet some real people ... we have groups for gamblers, alcoholics. drug abusers ... join one ... see what is really going on ...

 

5. You have no one to blame but yourself ... you brought all this on yourself ... you need to be on the drug the rest of your life ...

 

And so on ...

[[dr...]]

Nova, green, et al...another day in the books. My library is getting cleaned out.  . 

 

Feel a headache trying to bust through but about to take an Epsom salt bath. Bright lights bothering me which isn't a good sign but it's been a week w no true migraine. I'm actually optomistic I'll find what works and I realize it takes time. Luckily anxiety and fear weren't here today after a tough cog fog morning.

 

On a god note the magnesium has been a big help on my muscles and body aches. Also...no nerve pain. Hmmm... Forgive me if I mentioned that already as my brain is fried.

[[He...]]

Hi my friends,

Day 2 in New York Ciry, Day 5 of my vacation. Things are still going well, although my ears are terribly plugged up. It is very disconcerting and its really bothering me. This cold I've had has been brutal and it seems to have settled in my ears.

 

The intensity of NYC has been somewhat anxiety inducing, especially Times Square last night, but i have not had anything that I wasn't able to quickly control. I'm still very, very thankful I decided to come!

 

Thinking of you all and sending you healing thoughts.

Love,

HH

 

Wow, HH, I was in Times Sq. last night, at Radio City!  You're going to be so glad you did this trip, even if you have some bad moments, it's going to increase your confidence level hugely.  Have fun!

 

You were?? How funny is that! We walked around a bit and then went to see the show An American in Paris.

 

What did you think of American in Paris?

 

It was pretty good, but I was so tired from fighting this dang cold and with how busy the past 6 days have been that I didn't enjoy it as much as I would have normally.

[[No...]]

Green ... we aren't protracted ... we are just having a moderately extended period of healing ... 

 

And I know you would give me a break if you could ... a long time ago someone mentioned a magic wand ... waving it over all of us ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... hope the migraine holds off for you ... glad you are getting some positive results with the magnesium ... have a good evening ...

[[Gr...]]

Here is an interesting reflection ... think I have had it before ... but who knows ...

 

Am I contributing a bit to my own suffering experience by projecting some of the outside world's responses on myself ... making some demands on myself that, right now, are not helpful ...

 

And I have to answer yes ... sometimes ...

 

1. It is all in your head ... change your thinking, and everything will be fine ...

 

2. You are just lazy ... get out there and "do" something ...

 

3. This is not the drug ... cannot be ... this is just who you are ...

 

4. The internet ... you need to stop hanging out online with losers, complainers, and whiners ... go meet some real people ... we have groups for gamblers, alcoholics. drug abusers ... join one ... see what is really going on ...

 

5. You have no one to blame but yourself ... you brought all this on yourself ... you need to be on the drug the rest of your life ...

 

And so on ...

 

Those are the things most everyone in the world will tell us if we go to them for support or validation.  And do we internalize their scorn and criticism?  Yes, I do.  This week I did a major number on my self, saying every one of those items to myself. 

 

But then when I woke up to the pounding, I mean loud pounding heart, and I had the extreme fatigue, where I couldn't get up off the couch, I knew those things above weren't true, I know I have something real going on, this is not who I am.  I can't ride my bike a mile.  Last year I had a day when I did 26. 

 

Then my concern becomes, if these symptoms don't go away, I'm screwed, because I don't think there's anything out there for me to take.  I don't think taking benzos would help, I think I have too much structurally altered to take them safely.  And I don't think any of the psych drugs work.  If they did, I would have taken one a long time ago.  I have never heard of a person on this site taking a psych drug, or any drug, and coming back and saying, man, this really works.

 

Michael, you're doubting yourself.  I was, too, in this last wave, when I let myself listen to outsiders, and I was feeling so bad. But I stubbornly kept coming back to basics.  This is a wave.  These waves can be brutal, hit like a ton of bricks.  I know you've been struggling for awhile, so it's even harder. 

 

This is a lonely, sometimes terrifying road we're walking.  Distract yourself from these thoughts.  They're negative and serve no purpose.  We're all right here doing the same thing. 

[[Gr...]]

This is from Dr. Melemis in Canada who specializes in this field

 

"Post-acute withdrawal usually lasts for 2 years. This is one of the most important things you need to remember. If you are up to the challenge you can get through this. But if you think that post acute withdrawal will only last a few mos., then you will get caught off guard....

 

How to survive Post Acute Withdrawal

 

Be patient. Two years can feel like a long time if you are in a rush to get through it. You cant hurry recovery. But you can get through it one day at a time.

If you try to rush your recovery, or resent post-acute withdrawal, or try to bulldoze your way through, you will become exhausted.

 

Post-acute withdrawal symptoms are a sign that your brain IS recovering. They are the result of your brain chemistry gradually going back to normal, Therefor dont resent them, But remember, even one year, you may only be halfway there.

 

Go with the flow. Withdrawal symptoms are uncomfortable. But the more you resent them the worse they will seem. you will have lots of good days over the next two years. Enjoy them. You will also have alot of bad days. On those days,dont try to do to much. Take care of yourself,focus on your recovery,and you will get through this.

 

You will go through days or weeks without symptoms and then one day you will wake up and your withdrawal will hit you like a ton of bricks...if you are not prepared for it, if you think post-acute withdrawal only lasts a few mos., or if you think that you will be different and it will not be as bad for you , then you will get caught off guard. But if you know what to expect you can do this.

 

Practice self care. Give yourself lots of little breaks over the next two years. Tell yourself "what I am going through is enough". Be good to yourself. That is what you MUST learn in recovery.

Sometimes you will have little energy or enthusiasm for anything. Understand this and do not overbook your life. Give yourself permission to focus on your recovery.".....

 

Another good reassurance that all of this is normal and that we will all heal....

 

Take care of yourselves everyone.....m

 

[[Gr...]]

Nova, this thread has been viewed 22,666 times since I started it -- I guess I had the year -- in November.  We are definitely not alone!

[[Co...]]

Green, thank you for mentioning your pounding heart. Man oh man this is such crap. I have been free of palps and thumping heart for months..at least 5/6 months...in the past 2/3 days...palps and pvcs ....not continuously but enough to get my health fears going. ...WTH ...I am taking reassurance in knowing that we are all on the couch with acute sx ...in months 16 and 18....I also have spent the afternoon thumbing through the success stories, but I get dizzy reading. I love all the success stories, but the one that is holding me together tonight are HH's posts about her successful trip . At 22 months...She is so much better and only a few months  ahead of us. .....

......Well, all of you couch warmers...take comfort in your chilli and pork roast...I am having Greek yogurt and tart cherries for dinner....full of melatonin and tryptophan.  Who knows. I am ready to throw in the towel and eat a handful of chocolate chip cookies...with a glass of red wine..lol.  those days are over. My friend makes these decadent dark chocolate chip caramel cookies...delicious with Chianti.  First thing I am doing on month 24...healed or not.  Drew, that's my meditation for the night.

...Sleep well all.  coop

[[dr...]]

Green...your reply to nova is where I'm at. Full of doubt at times but know there  is no turning back.  No drug will ever fix me so what if this is the real me or I'm stuck.  Then I get a day w no anxiety/fear and I have a glimmer of hope.