12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

I just want to say....None of us has any reason to be embarrassed by any part of this. We should be proud.  We are the very few who get off of this awful medication ....and stay off. I think we often forget that the majority of people prescribed benzos never get off of them ...

[[dr...]]

Maybe humiliated   It's more like I get caught up in the obsessive trap f trying to find a reason when it's almost always just benzo withdrawal.

[[Sk...]]

Green, ...boy are we in the same place...living with sx...I was back in a wave this morning...I kind of knew it was coming...freaky thick scary 'can't think ' d/r...that stuff just terrifies,me when it is that deep. A moderate level of it I can ignore pretty much. Anyway it lasted for the first part of the day and then gradually lifted to tolerable. Like you I just refuse to give up some things like coffee with my daughter and seeing a movie with her. I couldn't begin to really tell you what was in the movie ( Mama Mia is coming to our city later this summer and she loves it and will go when it's here, so she brought the movie over to watch in the theater facility here).  A total blur in my mind and I literally can not remember taking the dog out this morning, though on a cognitive level I know I did. This feels like total dementia to me.. then it lifts.  As Sky says, " Gawww"....

....Green, I hope you enjoyed the Rockettes ...nose bleed seats and all.  ....coop

 

Coop, some time ago, I washed my hair twice in  a day, I simply could not remember doing it.

 

I am back in vibrations land, the weather seems to be matching  the way I feel, it is so cloudy and I have to spend the day preparing for a lesson, that I will be having later today. Moan, m oan and moan. 

 

Speak later, hope you guys are feeling better. We have to be patient and kind to ourselves.

[[Sk...]]

I just want to say....None of us has any reason to be embarrassed by any part of this. We should be proud. We are the very few who get off of this awful medication ....and stay off. I think we often forget that the majority of people prescribed benzos never get off of them ...

 

Coop, I couldn't agree  more. Now, girl, how about starting with yourself ? You are always so supportive of others, I hope to see you do some of that with yourself. 

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ...

 

Good Morning ... shut down early last night ... got 10 hours of off and on sleep ... and feel like total crap this morning ... round and round this goes ...

 

Hope everyone gets a break today ...

[[ga...]]

So sorry to hear of your wave Coop.  Nova, it seems you are on the roller coaster and can't get off for the time being.  That's just what these drugs do to us.....and it just takes more time.  Hold on and the sxs will abate as they always do.  I know how difficult it is but you guys ALWAYS get through this/ On top of that you are just so supportive of others who are suffering.  SO very much appreciated.  My thoughts are with you who are in waves.

 

I am also in a funk right now.  I have to say the sleep has improved overall. Still some tough nights here and there. For me it is just life's ups and downs.  I have been dealing with arthritis in my neck and back for the past couple of weeks.  I have tried to get out for my weekly golf game with my friends.  It has kept me sane through all this for so long.  Unfortunately, now I may have to stop for an indefinite period while I look at some treatment to remedy the pain.  I am going to a sports doc on Monday.  Hearing that injections and physical therapy may be in my future. Also......I hear they like to give you valium before the injections...I won't let that happen! Oh well...it is what it is.  I find I am getting those depressed thoughts once again as my mind starts to ruminate as to what's ahead...What will I do if I can't get my weekly escape with friends.  I just have to think of this as a temporary issue and that I will be Okay.

 

Ontop of this my 22 year old daughter is leaving for Hawaii to take a job.  She will be missed and leave a void in our lives.  Still dealing with issues with my 93 y/o dad.  I won't bore you all...but it is stressful to say the least.  I just wish there was some good on the horizon.  Nothing in site for the moment.

 

Wishing you all better days ahead.  Remember...nothing stays the same and the hardships you are experiencing now shall pass.  I know how difficult it is to be positive when muddled in a wave.....Just keep on going...no other choice.

[[No...]]

Hi Garton ... you are right ... no choice but to keep going ... and muddle through this stuff ...

 

Hoping to get a break with this damn end of winter weather we seem to be stuck in ...

 

Be Well ...

[[mr...]]

Heya drew,

 

I just wanted to let you know. There was a time, in my withdrawal, where I would experience a "cortisol rush" like you mentioned, post-workout. For me, it would usually occur post-workout - oftentimes 2-6 hours post. It would be like how you described: it would kinda just come on, and it would feel like a "rush" or a "wave" like. Fear/panic like feelings, shakey, and my **ahem** tummy could jump in on the "fun" too, and I'd be in the potty with a little "colon cleansing" going on (LOL - my apologies for the *gruesomeness* of the details!)

 

Regarding the propranolol, I had also experienced a few times that "cortisol rush" that Coop had described. They happened 4-12 hours after the dose. It happened on the couple days that I'd use 10-20mg in the same day. I found that if I spaced out my dosings, with 5mg and 2.5mg doses (1/2 and 1/4 tablets), this would not occur for me. So, if I'd found myself in a day where I'd used 10mg (or more), I would execute a sort of "mini taper": I'd be at about 6-8 hours since my last dose, and I'd take 5mg (1/2 tablet). Then 4-6-8 hours after that, 2.5mg (1/4 tablet). And be done. This helped to stop any "rushes" from occurring. The next couple days, I may also feel a little more like the "physical" anxiety: a bit jittery or "jumpy", perhaps some tremors, some if that 'chemical anxiety' feeling - like the feeling you need to get up and burn it off, if that makes sense?

 

Anyways, long story short. I think what you experienced was nothing out of the ordinary, and nothing to be concerned with Perhaps if you experience a headache, you could try taking 2.5mg or 5mg alongside the other things you do to help it go away and see if it helps. I also think your plan of waiting a week to reintroduce the migraine supplement is very wise! To give up entirely on it yet, I don't think I'd do either - seems to me like there were just too many variables to be able to say if it was the supplement or not.

 

I hope you are feeling better today Mr & I are going on a nice casual bike ride today - he has the day off! Which, for working retail, is valuable So we're going to take full advantage! Anyways, I hope you're feeling better soon Take care for now,

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

This is unrelenting jitters, fear, and anxiety. Just meditating and hanging on until this passes.

 

Drew,

 

I hesitate to say this, because it's not true for everyone, but strenuous exercise has the opposite effect for me.  I used to run, and it always was a way to de-stress, run it off.  In withdrawal, I found exercise revved me up.  So I avoided it, stuck to walking and biking.

 

Try to see if there's a pattern when you're revved up and exercise?  hopefully not.

 

I'm thinking the same thing.  My hr was at a constant 165 and I usuallybstay in 130-140's. Not too long ago I ran and had no problems but maybe  Stopping the propronolol on Thursday also contributed to the floodgates being wide open to all this crap.  It didn't hit right after I exercised though.  An hour later it slowly ramped to terrible. ..it has passed.  I'm worn out and I was so ravenous i just two dinners! 

 

I'm a bit embarrassed (not here)how I still can't handle this and my gf has to put up w me. Once we survive the episode it all seems so easy We all know it's not while in it though. It HAS to be withdrawal.  Nothing else makes sense.

 

My gameplan is to not exercise so vigorous again and just take mag. If I'm okay in a week I'll reintroduce the Preventa migraine.  If I then experience this again I might have an idea if it's just withdrawal or a contributing med.  the funny thing is I can now drink two cups of coffee w no problem.

 

Drew,

 

Glad I happen to be in a wave, so I can happen to relate, lol.

 

I always exercised.  My whole life, that was my healthy feel good endorphin thing. So it was devastating to realize I had to be cautious during withdrawal.  Sometimes we're so revved up it's hard to calculate how hard we're pushing our bodies.  And the revving also contributed to, for me, excessive eating.  I remember posting about it.  This weird feeling of not getting full, not knowing it was enough until tummy hurt.  I don't mean compulsive eating caused by anxiety.  This was distinctly different, and what you mentioned about two dinners reminded me of it.  And the few times I did strenuous exercise, I remember not getting an "endorphin" high.  It was a flat feeling, like, okay, that's enough, I'd better stop now so I don't have a heart attack.  It was like I was completely disconnected from the bodily signals I used to rely on to tell me when enough was enough.

 

And early on, maybe 7 months out, I hit the gym, and my vitals couldn't handle it.  BP and HR went crazy. 

 

The thing about feeling embarrassed, I've been dealing with that in this last wave.  I think that has to do with "wave thinking."  I swear there is a neurochemical component to waves that makes us feel/appear anxious, uncertain, needy, frightened.  I'm trying to figure that out, right now, so I can try to avoid it next time.  No, waves are not our finest moments in the world, they are embarrassing.  It's so confusing how we feel, why we feel that way.  Feel better.  This will pass.  And our loved ones just have to accept us as we are, warts and all.

[[Gr...]]

This is unrelenting jitters, fear, and anxiety. Just meditating and hanging on until this passes.

 

Drew,

 

I hesitate to say this, because it's not true for everyone, but strenuous exercise has the opposite effect for me.  I used to run, and it always was a way to de-stress, run it off.  In withdrawal, I found exercise revved me up.  So I avoided it, stuck to walking and biking.

 

Try to see if there's a pattern when you're revved up and exercise?  hopefully not.

 

I'm thinking the same thing.  My hr was at a constant 165 and I usuallybstay in 130-140's. Not too long ago I ran and had no problems but maybe  Stopping the propronolol on Thursday also contributed to the floodgates being wide open to all this crap.  It didn't hit right after I exercised though.  An hour later it slowly ramped to terrible. ..it has passed.  I'm worn out and I was so ravenous i just two dinners! 

 

I'm a bit embarrassed (not here)how I still can't handle this and my gf has to put up w me. Once we survive the episode it all seems so easy We all know it's not while in it though. It HAS to be withdrawal.  Nothing else makes sense.

 

My gameplan is to not exercise so vigorous again and just take mag. If I'm okay in a week I'll reintroduce the Preventa migraine.  If I then experience this again I might have an idea if it's just withdrawal or a contributing med.  the funny thing is I can now drink two cups of coffee w no problem.

 

That's the thing about healing, we feel like we're getting better and worse at the same time.  But we really are  just getting better.

[[Co...]]

Green, that's it exactly...." getting better and worse at the same time...but really we are just getting better"...

....About embarressment...I sometimes have a sense of shame or failure when my family gives me that 'look' when I opt out for the one hundredth time from a family event. The look says, "...Oh come ON .  You either don't want to get better or you are vying yet again for sympathy and attention" I even 'cover up' my real struggle with w/d and refer to it as vertigo which is partly true and has more credibility with my family because it has some ' medical' definition. Even at that they don't really believe that I am STILL ..YET  not better. They understand my RA much better, even though my RA doesn't begin to drag on my life like w/d. I know that they can not begin to know or understand what I am going through. I don't understand it myself and have a very hard time understanding it myself. But it hurts me that they would inwardly roll thier eyes and think, " AGAIN!??"

....I don't internalize it but I do feel some guilt when I can't do some of the things they want me to do. My daughter has read the Ashton M. and I think she gets it but can not help but be disappointed when I can't join her on some outings. My son has some understanding but is as impatient ad I am to see it end. My dil who is an RN doesn't buy it for a minute. Her solution, " they have all kinds of meds for vertigo and anxiety.  they won't hurt you..."

....So we just need to listen to our own inner selves, as Green says, " validate our selves" and do most of our venting here.

  ...my wave continues to try to lift..d/p is better..but not back to baseline...Wishing everyone a decent weekend...coop

[[No...]]

Green and Coop ... yep ... thanks for the posts ... spent the morning wandering around my very pleasant "prison" ... I really like where we live ... a wonderful place ... and I just wanted to scream ... to just be very vocally angry ...

 

And didn't ...  there certainly is no up side to that ... and thinking about all the people who have passed me by these last years ... especially when I found my way to saying "I am sick" and "I need to get better" ...

 

Having a very lousy Sunday ... and I am grounded ... and calm ... and very, very tired ... aren't we all ...

 

Take Care ...

[[Gr...]]

Green, that's it exactly...." getting better and worse at the same time...but really we are just getting better"...

....About embarressment...I sometimes have a sense of shame or failure when my family gives me that 'look' when I opt out for the one hundredth time from a family event. The look says, "...Oh come ON .  You either don't want to get better or you are vying yet again for sympathy and attention" I even 'cover up' my real struggle with w/d and refer to it as vertigo which is partly true and has more credibility with my family because it has some ' medical' definition. Even at that they don't really believe that I am STILL ..YET  not better. They understand my RA much better, even though my RA doesn't begin to drag on my life like w/d. I know that they can not begin to know or understand what I am going through. I don't understand it myself and have a very hard time understanding it myself. But it hurts me that they would inwardly roll thier eyes and think, " AGAIN!??"

....I don't internalize it but I do feel some guilt when I can't do some of the things they want me to do. My daughter has read the Ashton M. and I think she gets it but can not help but be disappointed when I can't join her on some outings. My son has some understanding but is as impatient ad I am to see it end. My dil who is an RN doesn't buy it for a minute. Her solution, " they have all kinds of meds for vertigo and anxiety.  they won't hurt you..."

....So we just need to listen to our own inner selves, as Green says, " validate our selves" and do most of our venting here.

  ...my wave continues to try to lift..d/p is better..but not back to baseline...Wishing everyone a decent weekend...coop

 

Coop, the embarrassment, I'm so glad Drew brought that up.  This far out, even we have trouble believing it's still going on.  That's what's plaguing me, a feeling of "shame," that other people have moved on, am I the only one still left, is this really still happening, am I a hypochondriac, a nut?  That's wave thinking, Coop, and letting outside sources influence our thinking.  We have to bolster each other up, remember why we're doing this, that it's a long, hard journey, longer and harder for some, but that we all get there, and we really do.  And we are just in a bad place.  We've felt much better before, and we will again.  In times like these when we doubt ourselves, we need to support each other.  I had to read the Canadian doctor again.  I had to refresh my memory as to how hard, wicked, and bad a wave can be this far out.  And that there are a lot of bad days, and that there are many good days to come, and eventual healing.

 

I was feeling shamed even for still needing to be here on BB.  I was thinking about all of the people who have left, moved on, and I was feeling afraid to be left behind.

 

But I got a handle on it, and I still have my sx, but my faith in healing, what we're doing here, is restored.

 

Oh, Coop, what a long journey we've been on!  Feel better, my friend.  We'll all get there.

 

Nova, have a better day up there in N.S.

 

Sky, you, too.

 

Fatigue has me today.  have to get off. 

[[Gr...]]

Green and Coop ... yep ... thanks for the posts ... spent the morning wandering around my very pleasant "prison" ... I really like where we live ... a wonderful place ... and I just wanted to scream ... to just be very vocally angry ...

 

And didn't ...  there certainly is no up side to that ... and thinking about all the people who have passed me by these last years ... especially when I found my way to saying "I am sick" and "I need to get better" ...

 

Having a very lousy Sunday ... and I am grounded ... and calm ... and very, very tired ... aren't we all ...

 

Take Care ...

 

Nova, when the caretaker becomes sick and demands time to get better, the room empties out pretty quick.  It's all part of the healing process, I think.  We will understand this better when we get to the other side?

[[No...]]

Green ... "when the caretaker becomes sick and demands time to get better, the room empties out pretty quick" ... didn't it ever ... oh well, more room for me ... and when this is over I may need a bit more space than I had before ...

 

Be Well ...

[[Gr...]]

Green, that's it exactly...." getting better and worse at the same time...but really we are just getting better"...

....About embarressment...I sometimes have a sense of shame or failure when my family gives me that 'look' when I opt out for the one hundredth time from a family event. The look says, "...Oh come ON .  You either don't want to get better or you are vying yet again for sympathy and attention" I even 'cover up' my real struggle with w/d and refer to it as vertigo which is partly true and has more credibility with my family because it has some ' medical' definition. Even at that they don't really believe that I am STILL ..YET  not better. They understand my RA much better, even though my RA doesn't begin to drag on my life like w/d. I know that they can not begin to know or understand what I am going through. I don't understand it myself and have a very hard time understanding it myself. But it hurts me that they would inwardly roll thier eyes and think, " AGAIN!??"

....I don't internalize it but I do feel some guilt when I can't do some of the things they want me to do. My daughter has read the Ashton M. and I think she gets it but can not help but be disappointed when I can't join her on some outings. My son has some understanding but is as impatient ad I am to see it end. My dil who is an RN doesn't buy it for a minute. Her solution, " they have all kinds of meds for vertigo and anxiety.  they won't hurt you..."

....So we just need to listen to our own inner selves, as Green says, " validate our selves" and do most of our venting here.

  ...my wave continues to try to lift..d/p is better..but not back to baseline...Wishing everyone a decent weekend...coop

 

Coop, I'm sorry, my mind is working piecemeal.  I read a post, see one thing, and answer it, only to reread the same post and then "see" something else I missed the first time, like almost the whole damned thing, lol

 

The RNs of the world.  DO NOT LOOK THERE FOR SUCCOR, COMFORT, OR VALIDATION OF ANY SORT.  My sister is an RN.  They only "get it," by that I mean compassion or empathy, when it happens to themselves.  They are incapable of dealing with anything that isn't visible diagnostically or that can't be treated with a pill or medicine.  That is a very dry well, indeed, if you happen to be thirsty.

 

And I also make up "fake" excuses.  I can't get up and out in the a.m., because a lot of my issues revolve around sleep/unrefreshing sleep, I think.  Although I function fairly well later in the day, hence, my ability to go to shows, different things, in the evening.  (although nothing is written in stone in withdrawal, everything is always subject to change, which if you want to qualify for disability is maddening, because some days you can do things, some days you can't, period.)  Fake excuses.  Mine is I still don't sleep, which is true, but it's the only one that seems "socially acceptable," that I use to say no to things and take better care of myself.  A lot of this is about self care.  People with our personalities struggle with that.  I don't think there are many narcissistic personalities on this site.  Most of us are the overly "nice," ones, the ones who have a hard time saying no, the ones who feel guilty about taking good care of ourselves, no matter how long it takes, the ones who feel embarrassed about "needy" behavior or "crazy wave" behavior.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... "when the caretaker becomes sick and demands time to get better, the room empties out pretty quick" ... didn't it ever ... oh well, more room for me ... and when this is over I may need a bit more space than I had before ...

Be Well ...

 

My friend, I'm barely coping with my empty room, lol, trying to get used to/past it.  That sentence in bold I am not even ready to ask what you mean, because I'm not ready to deal with the answer.

[[Ko...]]

Coop, Green & Nova,

 

Feeling guilty or ashamed were not better. I echo everything you said. My friends just can't believe its possible. Makes it doubly hard for us. But we know what we're feeling, so we must be twice as strong.

Thank God we have each other or none of us would make it.

 

Hope you all feel a little better today.

[[sa...]]

Korbe,

 

No one believes me any more. Just my wife. The rest don't think this can still be the issue at 16 months. I get the weirdo eyes from the rest of the family. Oh well what are we going to do. Must accept it and move on. One day this will be better.

 

day 8 of a nasty wave of acute sxs. Last 3 months have not been too good. My waves seem to be getting longer (7-12 days). I use to get mini waves of 1-3 days. Not sure if that happened to anyone else. Hard to take this far out, but what can we do. I think I will rent a movie and distract.

[[Sk...]]

Korbe,

 

No one believes me any more. Just my wife. The rest don't think this can still be the issue at 16 months. I get the weirdo eyes from the rest of the family. Oh well what are we going to do. Must accept it and move on. One day this will be better.

 

day 8 of a nasty wave of acute sxs. Last 3 months have not been too good. My waves seem to be getting longer (7-12 days). I use to get mini waves of 1-3 days. Not sure if that happened to anyone else. Hard to take this far out, but what can we do. I think I will rent a movie and distract.

 

Saquach, I know what you mean, my waves are not as long as yours, but they are getting longer than the windows. Hard to take indeed.

[[Sk...]]

Green and Coop ... yep ... thanks for the posts ... spent the morning wandering around my very pleasant "prison" ... I really like where we live ... a wonderful place ... and I just wanted to scream ... to just be very vocally angry ...

 

And didn't ...  there certainly is no up side to that ... and thinking about all the people who have passed me by these last years ... especially when I found my way to saying "I am sick" and "I need to get better" ...

 

Having a very lousy Sunday ... and I am grounded ... and calm ... and very, very tired ... aren't we all ...

 

Take Care ...

 

Michael, if you wanted to scream, I think it must be a very hard wave.  You have all my support, hope you get better soon. And we can talk about it over here, at our breakfast club. 

[[Sk...]]

Green, that's it exactly...." getting better and worse at the same time...but really we are just getting better"...

....About embarressment...I sometimes have a sense of shame or failure when my family gives me that 'look' when I opt out for the one hundredth time from a family event. The look says, "...Oh come ON .  You either don't want to get better or you are vying yet again for sympathy and attention" I even 'cover up' my real struggle with w/d and refer to it as vertigo which is partly true and has more credibility with my family because it has some ' medical' definition. Even at that they don't really believe that I am STILL ..YET  not better. They understand my RA much better, even though my RA doesn't begin to drag on my life like w/d. I know that they can not begin to know or understand what I am going through. I don't understand it myself and have a very hard time understanding it myself. But it hurts me that they would inwardly roll thier eyes and think, " AGAIN!??"

....I don't internalize it but I do feel some guilt when I can't do some of the things they want me to do. My daughter has read the Ashton M. and I think she gets it but can not help but be disappointed when I can't join her on some outings. My son has some understanding but is as impatient ad I am to see it end. My dil who is an RN doesn't buy it for a minute. Her solution, " they have all kinds of meds for vertigo and anxiety.  they won't hurt you..."

....So we just need to listen to our own inner selves, as Green says, " validate our selves" and do most of our venting here.

  ...my wave continues to try to lift..d/p is better..but not back to baseline...Wishing everyone a decent weekend...coop

 

Coop, I'm sorry, my mind is working piecemeal.  I read a post, see one thing, and answer it, only to reread the same post and then "see" something else I missed the first time, like almost the whole damned thing, lol

 

The RNs of the world.  DO NOT LOOK THERE FOR SUCCOR, COMFORT, OR VALIDATION OF ANY SORT.  My sister is an RN. They only "get it," by that I mean compassion or empathy, when it happens to themselves.  They are incapable of dealing with anything that isn't visible diagnostically or that can't be treated with a pill or medicine.  That is a very dry well, indeed, if you happen to be thirsty.

 

And I also make up "fake" excuses.  I can't get up and out in the a.m., because a lot of my issues revolve around sleep/unrefreshing sleep, I think.  Although I function fairly well later in the day, hence, my ability to go to shows, different things, in the evening.  (although nothing is written in stone in withdrawal, everything is always subject to change, which if you want to qualify for disability is maddening, because some days you can do things, some days you can't, period.)  Fake excuses.  Mine is I still don't sleep, which is true, but it's the only one that seems "socially acceptable," that I use to say no to things and take better care of myself.  A lot of this is about self care.  People with our personalities struggle with that.  I don't think there are many narcissistic personalities on this site. Most of us are the overly "nice," ones, the ones who have a hard time saying no, the ones who feel guilty about taking good care of ourselves, no matter how long it takes, the ones who feel embarrassed about "needy" behavior or "crazy wave" behavior.

 

I am not getting what a RN is. 

 

Great stuff here on the thread. I read your l og Sue, and I loved your most recent post.  And yes, we are those people, who don't want to hurt anyone and still manage to feel guilty.

 

About socially acceptable, here is what my mom, my mom, said after her accident. SH

he is in pain, nothing broken, but she has very low pain threshhold. She said to me, I wish I could switch places with you.  She said, because what I feel is real, and what you have is in your brain, there is no physical pain. 

 

After all the articles and interviews on benzo wd, she says that. She is a bright woman too.

 

Sue, this thing is so hard to get recognized, validated, because it's unbelievable. It defies human understanding. I mean, your therapist said those things, but our loved ones ?

 

That's why benzos wil be with us for a very long time, they act deviously.

 

 

[[Sk...]]

This is unrelenting jitters, fear, and anxiety. Just meditating and hanging on until this passes.

 

Drew,

 

I hesitate to say this, because it's not true for everyone, but strenuous exercise has the opposite effect for me.  I used to run, and it always was a way to de-stress, run it off.  In withdrawal, I found exercise revved me up.  So I avoided it, stuck to walking and biking.

 

Try to see if there's a pattern when you're revved up and exercise?  hopefully not.

 

I'm thinking the same thing.  My hr was at a constant 165 and I usuallybstay in 130-140's. Not too long ago I ran and had no problems but maybe  Stopping the propronolol on Thursday also contributed to the floodgates being wide open to all this crap.  It didn't hit right after I exercised though.  An hour later it slowly ramped to terrible. ..it has passed.  I'm worn out and I was so ravenous i just two dinners! 

 

I'm a bit embarrassed (not here)how I still can't handle this and my gf has to put up w me. Once we survive the episode it all seems so easy We all know it's not while in it though. It HAS to be withdrawal.  Nothing else makes sense.

 

My gameplan is to not exercise so vigorous again and just take mag. If I'm okay in a week I'll reintroduce the Preventa migraine.  If I then experience this again I might have an idea if it's just withdrawal or a contributing med.  the funny thing is I can now drink two cups of coffee w no problem.

 

That's the thing about healing, we feel like we're getting better and worse at the same time.  But we really are  just getting better.

 

Last year, a year ago, I was able to do more exercise than now !! Arrgh !  That is nuts !

[[Gr...]]

Green, that's it exactly...." getting better and worse at the same time...but really we are just getting better"...

....About embarressment...I sometimes have a sense of shame or failure when my family gives me that 'look' when I opt out for the one hundredth time from a family event. The look says, "...Oh come ON .  You either don't want to get better or you are vying yet again for sympathy and attention" I even 'cover up' my real struggle with w/d and refer to it as vertigo which is partly true and has more credibility with my family because it has some ' medical' definition. Even at that they don't really believe that I am STILL ..YET  not better. They understand my RA much better, even though my RA doesn't begin to drag on my life like w/d. I know that they can not begin to know or understand what I am going through. I don't understand it myself and have a very hard time understanding it myself. But it hurts me that they would inwardly roll thier eyes and think, " AGAIN!??"

....I don't internalize it but I do feel some guilt when I can't do some of the things they want me to do. My daughter has read the Ashton M. and I think she gets it but can not help but be disappointed when I can't join her on some outings. My son has some understanding but is as impatient ad I am to see it end. My dil who is an RN doesn't buy it for a minute. Her solution, " they have all kinds of meds for vertigo and anxiety.  they won't hurt you..."

....So we just need to listen to our own inner selves, as Green says, " validate our selves" and do most of our venting here.

  ...my wave continues to try to lift..d/p is better..but not back to baseline...Wishing everyone a decent weekend...coop

 

Coop, I'm sorry, my mind is working piecemeal.  I read a post, see one thing, and answer it, only to reread the same post and then "see" something else I missed the first time, like almost the whole damned thing, lol

 

The RNs of the world.  DO NOT LOOK THERE FOR SUCCOR, COMFORT, OR VALIDATION OF ANY SORT.  My sister is an RN. They only "get it," by that I mean compassion or empathy, when it happens to themselves.  They are incapable of dealing with anything that isn't visible diagnostically or that can't be treated with a pill or medicine.  That is a very dry well, indeed, if you happen to be thirsty.

 

And I also make up "fake" excuses.  I can't get up and out in the a.m., because a lot of my issues revolve around sleep/unrefreshing sleep, I think.  Although I function fairly well later in the day, hence, my ability to go to shows, different things, in the evening.  (although nothing is written in stone in withdrawal, everything is always subject to change, which if you want to qualify for disability is maddening, because some days you can do things, some days you can't, period.)  Fake excuses.  Mine is I still don't sleep, which is true, but it's the only one that seems "socially acceptable," that I use to say no to things and take better care of myself.  A lot of this is about self care.  People with our personalities struggle with that.  I don't think there are many narcissistic personalities on this site. Most of us are the overly "nice," ones, the ones who have a hard time saying no, the ones who feel guilty about taking good care of ourselves, no matter how long it takes, the ones who feel embarrassed about "needy" behavior or "crazy wave" behavior.

 

I am not getting what a RN is. 

 

Great stuff here on the thread. I read your l og Sue, and I loved your most recent post.  And yes, we are those people, who don't want to hurt anyone and still manage to feel guilty.

 

About socially acceptable, here is what my mom, my mom, said after her accident. SH

he is in pain, nothing broken, but she has very low pain threshhold. She said to me, I wish I could switch places with you.  She said, because what I feel is real, and what you have is in your brain, there is no physical pain. 

 

After all the articles and interviews on benzo wd, she says that. She is a bright woman too.

 

Sue, this thing is so hard to get recognized, validated, because it's unbelievable. It defies human understanding. I mean, your therapist said those things, but our loved ones ?

 

That's why benzos wil be with us for a very long time, they act deviously.

 

An RN is a registered nurse, here in the states. It's a level of education and a state board certification exam that is required, and passing gives the credential.

 

Sky, as loving as our families and friends are, the fact we are "down for the count," is threatening to them.  it's not just a lack of compassion and empathy and understanding of what we're going through, a lot of us in our pre-benzo w/d lives were different things to different people, and they want us back in our old roles tout de suite.  did I spell that right?  if we have to focus on ourselves and getting better, then we're not doing whatever it is we used to do in those relationships. 

 

I think.  I don't know.  I have way too much time on my hands today.  Fatigue.  A whole day on and off the couch.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

nova,

 

slow cooker chili and homemade cornbread with honey butter