12-18 month support

[[fi...]]

Hello everyone! Sorry it's been a few days. Currently trying to get a good workout in the gym. Had a few day window not too long ago. Cortisol surges today though. Gonna be ok.

 

How is everyone? Anything good happen to you all lately?

[[dr...]]

Drew,

Thanks for your reply  what exactly does the CBT entail? Isn't it putting yourself in the situations you find difficult? Yes, I  know my thinking has been way off lately, like everything is catastrophic. Migraines and health fear must be horrible-- its like a double whammy. I hope your feeling better right now. Keep up with the CBT, it sounds great!  Keep schooling that therapist-- i love it!  Jenny

 

My first CBT worksheet is to write out whenever I get a thought that is "off".  I can't possibly do this for every thought that is off since I have so many.    This is from my migraine/panic last night which included intrusive thoughts which scared the shit out of me.   

 

1. write down the situation-had a really bad migraine which brought on a feeling of panic. 

2. write done your "hot thoughts"- Inside that panic were thoughts of having a psychotic break and ending up in a luny bin and self harm(I never really get these thoughts so this one really scared me)

3.write down evidence for-the above to happen-couldn't  find any

4.write down evidence against-I have had this before and I always feel better, my anxiety which is very high will manifest itself in some catastrophic way, these are just thoughts and nothing more caused by anxiety, people at my age just don't get psychotic breaks and end up in luny bin

5.write down an alternative thought-this is just a migraine with added panic that preys on my weaknesses.  They are just thoughts.

 

That is the jist of it.  What it does is that it raises my ability to see how much my thoughts are warped and how often they are popping in my head.  This is the first part of the strategy.  He has more in store for me when I see him next week.  I am fully embracing this process.

 

I had a very difficult night after those disturbing thoughts.  thoughts of me stabbing myself? wtf!  It's scary even typing.  Please mods don't post suicide stuff as I would never do it. I spoke to my thereapist this am and we discussed how it is just my brain under panic looking for relief. Wee also went over a few of my CBT things I wrote down.  My anxiety was very high and I could tell it jumped from my fear of heart attack(which I am now fine with) to fearing these migraines which come every week now. I can see the pattern of my anxiety looking to latch onto something.  If ti isn't this or that it would be something else.  This is what we are trying to manage.  We agreed that I need to get some preventative meds for the migraines as they are affecting my daily life. he also wants me to get some head tests just to rule out anything(this is part of the CBT process of reassurance).  I am truly not worried about anything deadly but he feels it still worthwhile.

While I was chatting with him we had a eureka moment.  I was mentioning all of my thoughts my brain kept latching onto.  All the hot ones and I said "I don't even have to know where everything comes from"  Bingo!!!  I try and figure out every symptom I have which is causing my obsessiveness.  As soon as I said it he and I both realized how important that was. 

To put this into effect I promised him I would talk to the dr. and get something to control migraines AND not research on internet at all.  He said I had a very bad experience with several unwise benzo docs but I i can't lump them all together.  I am going to try and just be with my symptoms (whatever they may be) which is the elusive goal we go for. 

he also wants me to change my thought patterns of saying "if I get a panic so what to I am not going to panic"  He wants my inner voice to have more authority. 

 

I know I typed a lot but this is exploration to get to the heart of my problems which I know are being made worse by all the benzo stuff.

 

PS-i am dizzy but I am jsut being one with it.

 

PSS-my therapist did say that my anxiety can get worse in the short term as we are kicking the hornets nest so to speak.

 

 

Nova-dinner came out great!  My best corned beef ever.....You?   

 

 

[[mr...]]

Wow gang! Check out Maxwell's latest update!: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;u=943

 

Your lurker buddy,

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Jenny,

I think a lot about me before benzos and I know all this stuff going on is from withdrawal. But I also know I have some tendencies toward anxiety, etc. So, I wanted some more information. I did the genetic test through 23andme and worked with a functional medicine doc to understand the results. And interestingly enough, many aspects of my personality are readable in my genetic information. This doctor could read my results, having never met me before, and predict my typical way of being in the world….. and then she could explain why I had those tendencies based on how my body works, which deficiencies I'm predisposed to, etc. Maybe it sounds too good to be true and maybe now is not the right time to treat these underlying conditions. But I think it's good information and very useful for future health. It  might be something to look into.

 

I just hope you feel better soon. And as a side note, the dentist is challenging for many people. I get a bit panicky there too at times.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Mrs.

Good link. Thanks for sharing.

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

Well ... woke up this morning and Halifax is shut down ... the snow fairy has waved her wand again ... and it is still blowing ... they say we have gotten some 3 feet of snow and ice in the last couple of weeks ... and more to come this weekend ...

 

Feeling pretty good ... things started to tighten up late yesterday ... you know, head, chest and upper body ... but seemed to settle on "not too lousy" ... and got some okay sleep ...

 

Since we had a green Christmas, the snow fairies are going to give us a white Easter ... gonna have to put lots of colour in them eggs if we are going to find them ...

 

Have a good Wednesday ...

 

Nova, I'm so glad to hear things are letting up a bit for you.  It's about time!  Snow, still?  That's right, you live in Canada!

 

Anyway, enjoy your day.  Whatever snow comes will melt off pretty quick, as soon as it warms up.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi I have been away, in a wave within the wave so I have not caught up with everyone, I am just barging in and  posting my update, no disrespect intended.

 

This is from a Pm.

 

My mother fell and hurt her arm day before yesterday. At the time, when she called me, she was upset and was scared. It was late in the evening, and I was already in  a wave, so you can imagine how bad it got. My mother has very low pain tolerance, so it's hard to know what is what. She felt so embarassed, vulnerable and had gloomy thoughts, which she made the mistake of sharing with me, but she needed to get it all out.

 

Yesterday, we found out it's not as bad as she thought and today, she even took our dog out by herelf.

 

Anyway, that must have gotten me thinking about old age, being abandoned, alone. Not really my mother's situation, my sickness makes me distort the facts about her.  I was off on a tangent and I was prey of looping thoughts, I had not had them in a while. THEy are so bad, I saw horrifying things.

 

Luckily, I dozed off and it broke its hold on me. THen, I had a long chat with my mom over the phone, she reassured me about so many things, that have been worrying me.

 

My priority is to heal then I can go about making adjustments to my life.

 

My windows are getting shorter and shorter. My waves are so long now, the pattern has changed, for worse. After the 24 hour waves, I am getting another pattern.

 

And more head pain ! today, I could barely think straight because of it, as you can see.

 

I don't know what to think. I find these waves quite  scary.

 

Hey, Sky, I'm right with ya, getting POUNDED today.  Hoping to recover, be better later in the day.

 

Therapist, oh, she's a mean lady!  I asked her, so what's the problem, why can't we get validation?  She's like, why do you need it?  I'm like, well, you know, when I have this debilitating, crazy-making symptoms, it's really scary, and I feel very alone, and I would like to reach out and get comfort from another human being, without being "needy," of course.  She's like, oh, yeah, I can see that, she's nodding.  (At this point, I'm like forget this, thank God I have a support forum!)

 

One last shot.  I'm like, you know, if you have cancer, are getting chemo, even if people never had cancer or chemo, they have an idea, and they understand what you're going through.  but with this, it's like an invisible illness.  most people think you're crazy, need psych meds, are a hypochondriac.  this is doctors and people in the community.

 

and we talked about how the drugs cause neuro adaptation, and how that's basically the problem.  and she admitted that the medical community is not anxious to make this well known, common knowledge, because all of the psychoactive drugs work that same way.

 

I just stared at her.  there it was.  we talk about that here, the conspiracy of silence, Big Pharma.  That's it, boys and girls.  If we actually get acknowledged medically, that opens the floodgates.  Then we're suing.  then we're getting disability.  then people are made aware of the risks of all of these drugs we take, and their lack of efficacy.

 

so I'm back where I started.  Get support from within, myself, the knowledge that  I know what's going on, what happened, why it happened, get support here, and never, ever trust a doctor or a prescription drug 100%, ever again.

 

Hope everybody is having a better day.

[[Gr...]]

 

Kobe, hang in there.  I didn't realize you were someone who is having a worse second than first year.  Tmhe nerjve pain is awful, but we do here about it at 16 months, and people do get better, it does pass. 

 

The worst thing that can happen, from my perspective, is I don't know why I'm getting these bizarre, confusing, painful, and, yes, sometimes debilitating symptoms, so far out, at the start of my 17th month, just about where you are, Korbe.  Because the danger is we run to doctors who are not benzo wise, who won't even acknowledge this could be happening from a benzo - I think Drew touched on this - they will not even entertain we could be having these symptoms 16 months later because of the drug.  And the danger is, the doctors start prescribing meds for every symptom we have, because that's what they do, and then we're in trouble. 

 

So you sound a lot better, like you have a handle on what's going on.  I think getting support really helps with that, understanding what's going on.

 

GREENICE,

Glad you mentioned about doctors not understanding w/d.  What gave you told friends who think you should go get a complete physical, etc because there must be something else wrong? I know they are just concerned and for some reason have a hard time believing all this is Benzo w/d especially this far out.

Thanks for all your support , Korbe

 

What have I told friends?  I tell them I already got a physical and everything is fine.  That's the problem.  I would like to say to a friend, hey, I'm in a wave, I won't be able to make it.  or I'm not sleeping. but if I do my friends tell me to run to the doctor for antidepressants. Our whole society is positively indoctrinated, a pill for everything.  So I try not to say anything.  I come here for support.  We have to accept the fact that most people are clueless.  We have to learn not to go to a dry well for water.

 

The way you get the blue.  when you want to answer a post, click on the "quote" button in the top right corner.  That will take you to the reply page, and the original quote will appear in blue above your post, although it's not in blue when you're typing, it will appear that way after you hit the post button. 

 

Have a good night, all.

GREENICE,

Thanks for telling me how to do the blue.  It worked. So much easier for responding tp posts. I haven't actually had a physical since staring this, but I can tell its w/d. Guess I could get a physical and a full blood panel just to shut people up. 

Thanks for your help, hope your feeling better. Less pain for me today.

Korbe

 

Actually, Korbe, today is a tough day.  But  I know from experience tomorrow will be better, maybe even this evening!  You sound very good.  Hoping that holds up for you.  And it's never a bad idea to get a physical if you haven't had one in a long time.

[[Gr...]]

Hi guys,

Ive been feeling like im healing like I'm getting better, but in some ways I feel like I'm going backwards. Ive been having so much anxiety lately-- I thought that part of w/d was over but its come back full force. I had a dentist appt yesterday, just a cleaning and I was in full on panic mode. It felt like I was having a panic attack the whole time. I was sweating and felt like I might get up and run for the door at any moment... When I finally got out of there and got home I just  brokedown and started crying.. I couldn't believe a dentist appt could break me down so bad and I really felt pretty hopeless. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life this way, and the thing is I had this kind of anxiety pre benzo so I'm really scared this is just me. Most of my physical sx  have gotten much better the last few weeks, and now it seems all my anxiety is back. We are going on vacation this summer to visit my sister for 10 days and I'm really scared now that I won't be able to handle it. Thanks for listening, Jenny

 

Jenny, you will be able to handle it.  Don't project into the future.  It's hard enough for us to handle today!  I relate, though, my fatigue is really bad, can't even ride the bike, not even a mile.  I may have to give up my cycling trip.  but it is what it is, whatever that is.  Thing is, these symptoms cycle like crazy, they stop on a dime.  Likely in a couple of days we'll both feel better.  In the meantime, we just need to focus on managing the day we're in.  Feel better.

[[No...]]

Drew ... thanks for telling us about the process you are doing ...

 

And ... not needing to know where something comes from may be helpful ... probably my toughest issue with this process ... very hard lessons for me ... trust and acceptance ...

 

Probably about two days before I am finished with this stuff I will finally "get it" and "live it" ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... sorry to hear you are in the middle of it again ... and you are right ... it will shift again ...

 

And yes, we are the silent witnesses to a process that is collapsing ... all too slowly ... whether we are validated or not ...

 

[[Sk...]]

 

Therapist, oh, she's a mean lady!  I asked her, so what's the problem, why can't we get validation?  She's like, why do you need it?  I'm like, well, you know, when I have this debilitating, crazy-making symptoms, it's really scary, and I feel very alone, and I would like to reach out and get comfort from another human being, without being "needy," of course.  She's like, oh, yeah, I can see that, she's nodding.  (At this point, I'm like forget this, thank God I have a support forum!)

 

One last shot.  I'm like, you know, if you have cancer, are getting chemo, even if people never had cancer or chemo, they have an idea, and they understand what you're going through.  but with this, it's like an invisible illness.  most people think you're crazy, need psych meds, are a hypochondriac.  this is doctors and people in the community.

and we talked about how the drugs cause neuro adaptation, and how that's basically the problem.  and she admitted that the medical community is not anxious to make this well known, common knowledge, because all of the psychoactive drugs work that same way.

 

I just stared at her.  there it was.  we talk about that here, the conspiracy of silence, Big Pharma.  That's it, boys and girls.  If we actually get acknowledged medically, that opens the floodgates.  Then we're suing.  then we're getting disability.  then people are made aware of the risks of all of these drugs we take, and their lack of efficacy.

 

so I'm back where I started.  Get support from within, myself, the knowledge that  I know what's going on, what happened, why it happened, get support here, and never, ever trust a doctor or a prescription drug 100%, ever again.

 

Hope everybody is having a better day.

 

OMG, I can't believe that's really how it went.  So sorry Sue. I mean, there are docs out there who speak and reassure and validation to  buddies. I so hoped you would find one of those.

 

It would have been nice. 

[[Sk...]]

Ok, is it possible to have a wave within a wave ? 

 

I am having vibrations right in my heart right now. It's awful. Somehow I worked, I could feel everything falling apart around me, my thoughts and my tiredness. I didn't think I could do it, I kept thinking, now I am interrupting, now I am interrupting, there is not a chance in hell I can finish this lesson. I don't believe I have felt this bad in a while.

 

I will be going to bed early. The 24 hour pattern has changed, now I have a 3 days of wave and about 6-8 hours of not suffering, I am not callling them windows. NOt having palps and vibrations but having terrible anxiety do not make  a window, in my book. My mistake is thinking there is some sort of god of wd, that gives out suffering and respite with justice, whereas we have a blind and random monster. Sorry for the raving, I am really in a bad place today.

 

I read your other posts, a lot of good stuff.  I wish I ccould remember it though.

 

DRew, thanks for the update on CBT. I don't think I could do it, but I think I might want to take it up in the future. Great that you posted your thoughts too.

 

Those can be so awful and embarassing. 

 

Jenny, hang in there.

 

PEace, very interesting and maybe a little scary ? Thanks for keeping us in the loop.

 

Nova, we ware getting there, we are not letting this stuff scare us.

[[Gr...]]

Green ... sorry to hear you are in the middle of it again ... and you are right ... it will shift again ...

 

And yes, we are the silent witnesses to a process that is collapsing ... all too slowly ... whether we are validated or not ...

 

 

Nova, what do you mean by to a process that is collapsing ?

[[Gr...]]

 

Therapist, oh, she's a mean lady!  I asked her, so what's the problem, why can't we get validation?  She's like, why do you need it?  I'm like, well, you know, when I have this debilitating, crazy-making symptoms, it's really scary, and I feel very alone, and I would like to reach out and get comfort from another human being, without being "needy," of course.  She's like, oh, yeah, I can see that, she's nodding.  (At this point, I'm like forget this, thank God I have a support forum!)

 

One last shot.  I'm like, you know, if you have cancer, are getting chemo, even if people never had cancer or chemo, they have an idea, and they understand what you're going through.  but with this, it's like an invisible illness.  most people think you're crazy, need psych meds, are a hypochondriac.  this is doctors and people in the community.

and we talked about how the drugs cause neuro adaptation, and how that's basically the problem.  and she admitted that the medical community is not anxious to make this well known, common knowledge, because all of the psychoactive drugs work that same way.

 

I just stared at her.  there it was.  we talk about that here, the conspiracy of silence, Big Pharma.  That's it, boys and girls.  If we actually get acknowledged medically, that opens the floodgates.  Then we're suing.  then we're getting disability.  then people are made aware of the risks of all of these drugs we take, and their lack of efficacy.

 

so I'm back where I started.  Get support from within, myself, the knowledge that  I know what's going on, what happened, why it happened, get support here, and never, ever trust a doctor or a prescription drug 100%, ever again.

 

Hope everybody is having a better day.

 

OMG, I can't believe that's really how it went.  So sorry Sue. I mean, there are docs out there who speak and reassure and validation to  buddies. I so hoped you would find one of those.

 

It would have been nice. 

 

Actually, I think her honesty was more valuable.  This is the general consensus, except for a rare few docs.  this is it.  it's all about the money.  and it starts at the top.  I think I knew this, vaguely, already.  I needed to hear it again in this wave!

[[No...]]

Sky ... indeed there does not seem to be any "justice" ... no "referee" we can call on the settle things down ... just no rhyme or reason ... all we know it that we are getting better and we will get through this stuff ...

 

And for the 11 millionth time ... we just keep going ... hope you get some rest tonight ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... "collapsing" ... probably just wishful thinking on my part ... maybe you can medicate an entire culture into submission ... and maybe I am just an outlier shouting in the wind ...

 

And perhaps these are just the musings of a fella getting older ... and mourning what he sees sometimes when he walks down the street ... and I can't stop caring ...

[[dr...]]

Returned from doc where I was thinking of my fellow buddies who get nervous.  I was so boaty with my heart racing it was silly. When he first took my BP I told him wait fifteen minutes. Lol. Went from 135/85 to 128/79 which is still high for me. 

We had a long discussion on my migraines. He was worried about my vision changes but relaxed when I've told him I've had this for many years it's just too often now. He asked questions and did a thorough check and felt I had just migraines and at this time didn't warrant a referral or more testing. I agreed.

We ordered a natural remedy off amazon made to prevent migraines which consists of the exact dosage of the minerals and vitamins I was going to start to take. We will add CoQ10 as needed.  The mag/b2/butterbur root takes about ninety days to reach full effect of 50% reduction so we are going to have me take propronolol for about a month to help break the cycle. I will wean as the vitamins start working.  They recommend 80mg day for migraine prevention but we will start at 20 per day and I will ratchet as needed(I'm still gun shy about any med). 

Lastly, he recommends trying gluten free as many people had success w that diet in preventing migraines.

Even though I may still get lots of migraines right now I feel like I at least have a gameplan as before I was just floundering for a life raft every few days.

 

Ps-brought him a copy of ashton. 

[[Co...]]

Drew, I am so glad to hear that your dr. appointment went so well. He sounds very pro patient and collaborative ...and supportive of natural remedies. You sound relieved and reasdured...that goes a long way.

.    Sorry you had such a tough wave yesterday with the disturbing benzo thoughts. Intrusive thoughts, anxiety and panic....the Benzo trifecta...very glad that are on the upside today. Do you think the CBT is helping with calming and helping to not fly off the cliff? ...

....My soup turned out really good too...perfect for lunch today as its cold , wet and windy here today.

.....Drew, wishing you a peaceful evening and some decent sleep tonight. ....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, ...GAWWW.. that's exactly what Sky predicted....that she would do that maddening condescending belittling thing, "why do you need my validation?"..  eerrrrr...  Your reply was so reasonable, unbelievably restrained and fitting. Yes, I can tell you as a former cancer patient that counseling for cancer peeps is ALL about compassion, encouraging of vulnerability and support...full of compassion and unconditional caring...and I can tell you , for me, w/d has been so much worse than my cancer surgery. I will qualify that somewhat by clarifying that I did not require chemo. ...Still it was just a completely different process.

.....Yes, what the heck would we do without BBs....The medical professionals , as nice as some of them are just don't get it...Green, I wouldn't be able to go on a bike trip yet either...I am doing good to go shopping ...still .  Makes me depressed when I think about it, but I think it will keep getting better for all of us. The thing I loved about Maxwell's story was that she qualified her statement of "healing completely at a year" by stating right up front that that was not quite the whole story. She went on to say that over time she realized that her healing actually continued for several more months.

    You are so not on this train by yourself.  Your stop is coming up..  thinking of you Green....coop

[[Co...]]

Jenny, I wrote a reply to you last night here but just as I was signing off on it I lost the entire site...for a couple of hours the forum was just down to my server...

...Basically I had the same thoughts as Nova. You are healing. I could no more go to the dentist right now  unless I was writhing in abject pain. In my book you were brave to go in for a cleaning. I have been putting off dental work for a year. ...The dentist is no fun even when you are not in w/d. ...and I think crying actually helps...I cry ...a lot.

....Nobody could go through this without becoming a much stronger person than they were before . Even if you do have some primary anxiety at the end of this, you are not the same person as before...we have learned so much from this. I think we are all handling things that we never dreamed possible .

.....I hope you had a better day today .  In my book you deserve a badge of courage....and by the time you go on vacation you will have another 3/4 months behind you...coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....I am not sure what you mean by " vibrations right in my heart"...but it doesn't sound nice at all. ..I have had palps and bouts of brief tachy cardiac but not vibrations right in my heart....that has to be scary. Did it go away?  You are having tough times and I think  of you every time I read your posts.

    I hope you slept and wake up this morning without heart vibrations....so glad you have Mr. Sky there with you through these tough times.. feel better Sky....coop

[[Co...]]

Hey Nova.. what the heck is going on with all the snow!!??...If I were you I wouldn't bother to put away the snow gear...looks like you are going to get about 3 months of sumner. Man.. .What did you guys do to anger the Snow Gods ? ...

.....How are you doing today ?...What yummy thing did you cook today? ...My big kitchen adventure today was a smoothie.  Hoopty-doo Doo...other than that I had one of those no motivation disconnected day...2 kind of on again off again wavy days yesterday and today...hope that means tomorrow is the good cop's turn. ...Still , last year I would have counted this as a good day...slowly slowly ...but I want my 5 straight window days back.

....Pour some tea..put your feet up and watch the snow...hope it is melting by tomorrow.  Wondering what you will cook this morning in your 4am kitchen adventure.. If I am awake I will check in and see if your kitchen light is on ...carry on....coop

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

Drew, thank you so much for explaining the process to me. Please keep me posted as I'm very interested in how it all works. I'm glad your doctor appt went well today, and I'm sure your gonna be feeling better soon 

Green-- sorry your getting hit today, but you sound so strong and positive. I can really hear the healing going on underneath it all! Thanks for your reply too.

Peace-- I'm so interested in that testing, but a lot of it confuses me. So what can be done once they know all these things about you? I mean I don't understand what they can do for us? Keep me posted, I'm very interested.

Hi Coop-- thank you so much for your reply, you always know how to make me feel better. I really, really hope that once I heal that I never have to deal with anxiety again. I'm trying to stay positive, because I have had big chunks of time where I had no anxiety at all. I got bumped off of BB last night too, I think the site was down, not sure?

Hi Beulah-- I saw Parker's post and I'm gonna try that lotion, I'll let you guys know how it works.

Nova-- hope your doing good and feeling better tonight

Sky-- I hope your feeling better too, seems as though we all are still getting hit this far out. I think your in month 16? That was a bad one for me, you'll get through it..

 

 

Well guys I'm 18 months off tomorrow! Not sure if I want to celebrate or cry lol...

Love you all, jenny

[[Co...]]

Jenny, ...celebrate...you have traveled long and hard ...without giving up....and you have had healing a long the way...you have done what most can not.

....Congratulations to you!...coop