12-18 month support

[[Lo...]]

A great story from SaveMe!!! Healed!!!!

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=129434.0

[[Co...]]

Korbe, I experienced one of my worst waves right at the end of month 15...followed by the best window of the entire 6 months of taper plus 15 months of w/d. .. I didn't think I would get hit like so far out either, but there I was back in a ute sx like month 4- 12. ....If you read Northofhere's success story you will be encouraged, she had acute all the way through month 22 and then sprinted right into full healing ...it's a great story....Glad to see you here...hope you land in a window soon....coop

[[No...]]

Long, long day of constant symptoms ... feeling pretty far down ... I suppose I am just exhausted from all this stuff for so long ...

 

And there is nothing else to do but keep going ...

 

Set out on this journey some 44 months ago ... been through all the highs and lows ... physically and mentally ...

 

What have I accomplished? ... I got off the drug and have stayed off for almost 17 months ... and I certainly do not need the drug anymore ... perhaps never needed it ...

 

And today ... well, the physical stuff keeps going on and on ... and all the doubt and that whispering fear in the background ...

 

Everything I know, accept and believe says I am on the right path ... and yet, there is still that doubt that I am doing myself harm by doing this ...

 

And I know that is total hogwash ...

 

So, the end of another long boring Sunday ... nothing accomplished ... or that is how it feels ... haven't really accomplished anything in a long time ... used to be good at getting things done, even when on the drug ... I feel I am missing that sense of being whole, being able, being something other than "sick" ...

 

And this is called "healing" ... and indeed it is ... I know and believe that ... and it is taking a very, very long time ...

 

Oh well ... now that I have probably depressed my Buddies ... sorry about that ... just wanted to let myself and all of you know where I am today and what I am feeling ...

 

And ... in time ... this will all be a memory ...

 

[[Co...]]

Sky,...I hear ya...I sleep with the TV on , my note 4 on the bed, my dog on the bed and a ratty old cashmere sweater under my head...In my former life I was an extremely independent woman . I owned my own Montessori preschool, had raised my son completely on my own and have lived the last 10 years on my own. I loved my independence and always felt strong and capable.  Then benzos threw all that up in the air to fall in scattered bits at my feet. I wouldn't get any rest without all my bed comforts. IMO...we do whatever it takes on any given day. And if it's any consolation I have found myself growling at the poor dog just because he innocently wants out at midnight and again at 4 because his poor gi system can't handle the antibiotic ( 5 more days).

....I think you are very strong Sky.  You keep going in the face of a pounding heart and weakness. ..You teach every day.  You are entitled to some rage and crabiness. You rarely complain full out... so get sleep any way you can...I am wishing you some sunbreaks... coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, .. wow.  So happy to hear that your ocular aura did not result in a migraine. I am going to look for the lavender/peppermint roller vial, it must have helped.

....I too have at times thrown my hands in the air thinking, " What the heck..."...In my last yummy window I ate half a bag of Ruffles chips and followed that up in the evening with Dove chocolates.  It was all delicious and I don't think it effected my window. ...You are sounding better Drew... hope you have a relaxing evening..  coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Floc, ...Glad to hear that your physical sx are gone....that is huge. ..I am just a few weeks behind you ( Dec 4. 2013).

I still have daily mental sx ( much much better in windows...nearly nonexistent)  In a wave they torture me.. mostly health fear and intrusive thoughts. On my baseline ( 85%-90%) they are  buzzing in the background but very manageable....I think this will heal too...for you and the rest of us. I don't think any of our sx are ' just who we are'...but like you, in a wave I have fears that it is. ..

...Floc...we are all so close and doing better than last year. 6 more months and half of that will be during summer...Keep us posted....Wishing you big sunbreaks.  coop

.

[[Co...]]

Nova, ...you are absolutely on the right path.. and we are following ....and you absolutely are accomplishing a very huge deal....healing. On some days when all I can do is putter I have to remind myself that my main job right now is to heal.

I loved SaveMe's success story and she spoke of going slow and being hugely patient and caring with ourselves.

...I get so frustrated too.  Just sick of the days that the best I can do is putter and a good day is going shopping or going to a movie and sitting through the entire story....things I did without thinking twice in my former life...I get discouraged too, ..  but then, like you say...chop wood...carry water. Acceptance and time.. Healing is an accomplishment...the still waters beneath the rip tides...coop

[[Sk...]]

Sky,...I hear ya...I sleep with the TV on , my note 4 on the bed, my dog on the bed and a ratty old cashmere sweater under my head...In my former life I was an extremely independent woman . I owned my own Montessori preschool, had raised my son completely on my own and have lived the last 10 years on my own. I loved my independence and always felt strong and capable.  Then benzos threw all that up in the air to fall in scattered bits at my feet. I wouldn't get any rest without all my bed comforts. IMO...we do whatever it takes on any given day. And if it's any consolation I have found myself growling at the poor dog just because he innocently wants out at midnight and again at 4 because his poor gi system can't handle the antibiotic ( 5 more days).

....I think you are very strong Sky.  You keep going in the face of a pounding heart and weakness. ..You teach every day.  You are entitled to some rage and crabiness. You rarely complain full out... so get sleep any way you can...I am wishing you some sunbreaks... coop

 

Thanks Coop. Thanks for inquiring about me.  I hope your dog is getting better, he sounds like a babe. And if you raised your son by yourself and owner your own Montessori School, wow, you are one gutsy girl.

 

Nova, you say that you feel that today nothing was accomplished but another day in the healing  process is very important.

 

Good night everybody. 

 

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... I hear you ... just feeling "low" today ... and this bloody weather isn't helping ...

 

I so need to get outside and stay outside all day ... this being limited because of weather for the last five weeks is probably wearing me down ...

 

One day at a time ... 

[[No...]]

Sky ... have a good rest ... yep ... another day in the books ... 

[[Ko...]]

Thanks for all the feedback. I also would like to know what kind of coconut oil to use on skin lesions.

I've had mine for over6 months & now getting some on my hands, but smaller. Has anyone seen a dermatologist? And what was the result?

 

Coop, I sure hope I follow you into a window? I'm in less pain, but no window. I don't have much mental stuff left, only depression brought on by pain.

 

I just need to remember that we are all different and there is no rhyme or reason to any of this.

 

Hang in there, I know we're almost there!

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18 buds...

....Just a catch up. I hope everyone is rolling out of waves and settling . I am emerging from a 24 hour go around with a wave. (d/r, boatyness, thick..thick cog fog and health fears). It started circling Friday night , landed with a thud yesterday and hung on until about noon today. It lifted out of the blue.

. ..Hoping that I might get a few more days out of it. I am at baseline ( 80-85%)...not a window really...definitely not an effortless mind day....but very doable  for a puttering Saturday. Some day my life will be more than puttering.

      Wishing everyone restful sleep and more healing.  coop

[[dr...]]

Hi all...I made the day with just minor crap. The head stuff stayed away most of day.

 

Off to veg in a non wavy way. 

 

I also started an exercise support thread if anyone has interest.  Just a place to list what you did and exchange ideas to get back up to speed quicker. 

[[He...]]

Checking in before the rush of the week starts. I'm finally getting better after being drug through the wringer the past few days with this viral thing I caught.  Now it feels like a run-of-the-mill cold. It did not throw me into acute, so for that I am happy.

 

I have 2 nights before I take off on my adventure. I'd be lying if I told you that I don't have periods of being nervous about it, a few moments of being down-right scared, but I'm also very excited. The next 2 days will be crazy with getting everything set, including for my sub and getting my report cards done. We leave on Tuesday night at 1:30am (technically Wed morning, I suppose) and drive over the mountain about 90 mins to the airport. We fly out at 5:00am and have to be at the airport by 3:30. Yawn!!!  It's a good thing I can sleep now and can even take naps! I'm hoping I sleep most of the flight, which is nonstop from Portland to Boston.

 

Oh my goodness this is crazy!  But it's exciting and I'm looking forward to it. This will be a big rock on my healing cairn!!

 

Love to you all. I'm headed to bed.

HH

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

HH, ...you sound wonderful. Glad to hear that your virus is over . I think you are going to have the best trip. ...Your posts give me so much faith that this does end without permanent deficits. ....So happy for you. ..coop

[[No...]]

HH ... I hope you have a wonderful trip ... and I hope you find it comforting, relaxing, and just all around fun ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... I suppose it was good for me to get last night's post out there and off my chest, so to speak ... telling it like it is and being heard is good for me ...

 

And it seems I still miss the "local validation" from the folks around here (where I am living) who I feel should know something about this stuff ... seems I am still wrestling with Jacob's angel ... must not be quite morning yet ...

 

And, for me, this isn't all about benzo stuff ... my sense of "not being seen" goes back a long, long way ... and it seems I have been in "escape/rescue" mode for most of my years ... and for a good long time I did feel at peace, and sufficient, and loved ... and then the demons revisited and I took the drug ...

 

Well, now I am coming out of another dangerous place ... another long journey to safety ... and I know I am "seen" by my wife and another friend ... and I have been wonderfully accepted and "seen" by so many of you here ...

 

So ... it is back to chop wood, carry water ... got to leave the angel wrestling for another day ... and for now, just knowing that my "doubt" is really "self-doubt" and so very, very unnecessary ...

 

Still got a bit of healing to get through ...

 

Hope we all have a good Monday ... 

[[pa...]]

Thanks for all the feedback. I also would like to know what kind of coconut oil to use on skin lesions.

I've had mine for over6 months & now getting some on my hands, but smaller. Has anyone seen a dermatologist? And what was the result?

 

 

I've had success using over-the-counter 1% hydrocortisone cream.

[[Sk...]]

Checking in before the rush of the week starts. I'm finally getting better after being drug through the wringer the past few days with this viral thing I caught.  Now it feels like a run-of-the-mill cold. It did not throw me into acute, so for that I am happy.

 

I have 2 nights before I take off on my adventure. I'd be lying if I told you that I don't have periods of being nervous about it, a few moments of being down-right scared, but I'm also very excited. The next 2 days will be crazy with getting everything set, including for my sub and getting my report cards done. We leave on Tuesday night at 1:30am (technically Wed morning, I suppose) and drive over the mountain about 90 mins to the airport. We fly out at 5:00am and have to be at the airport by 3:30. Yawn!!!  It's a good thing I can sleep now and can even take naps! I'm hoping I sleep most of the flight, which is nonstop from Portland to Boston.

 

Oh my goodness this is crazy!  But it's exciting and I'm looking forward to it. This will be a big rock on my healing cairn!!

 

Love to you all. I'm headed to bed.

HH

 

This is so great ! You are going to take a holiday from wd, you realize that ? 

[[Sk...]]

Good Morning ... I suppose it was good for me to get last night's post out there and off my chest, so to speak ... telling it like it is and being heard is good for me ...

 

And it seems I still miss the "local validation" from the folks around here (where I am living) who I feel should know something about this stuff ... seems I am still wrestling with Jacob's angel ... must not be quite morning yet ...

 

And, for me, this isn't all about benzo stuff ... my sense of "not being seen" goes back a long, long way ... and it seems I have been in "escape/rescue" mode for most of my years ... and for a good long time I did feel at peace, and sufficient, and loved ... and then the demons revisited and I took the drug ...

 

Well, now I am coming out of another dangerous place ... another long journey to safety ... and I know I am "seen" by my wife and another friend ... and I have been wonderfully accepted and "seen" by so many of you here ...

 

So ... it is back to chop wood, carry water ... got to leave the angel wrestling for another day ... and for now, just knowing that my "doubt" is really "self-doubt" and so very, very unnecessary ...

 

Still got a bit of healing to get through ...

 

Hope we all have a good Monday ... 

 

Nova, I feel the same way. But at least you have your wife and friend, we are lucky in that. I too wonder how people can so not care about this hell we are in, but a lot has to do with the nature of our illness and the origin. Nobody wants to hear that something given by a person we have to trust can be so untrustworthy. People want to feel safe and, as you said before, they don't want their boat rocked. 

 

And then, we are not bleeding, our illness can't be seen, thus it does not really exist in the eyes of the beholder. I don't really know, this is all I can think of.

 

Have a better day, Michael. 

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ... Monday is turning out okay ... looked outside and went yuk ... made cookies instead ... big, fat, oatmeal raisin cookies ... goona sit here today and wait for the sugar high to hit ... 

[[Sk...]]

Hi Sky ... Monday is turning out okay ... looked outside and went yuk ... made cookies instead ... big, fat, oatmeal raisin cookies ... goona sit here today and wait for the sugar high to hit ... 

 

Oakmeal cookies ? sounds yummy Michael.

 

I am vibrating away, but it's still manageable. Some days I am patient, some days I am fed up, today luckily I feel patient, which is the only way to go.

 

Take care, Michael.

[[No...]]

You too Sky ... have a good day ... 

[[Gr...]]

Healinghope,

Thanks for sharing what you have gone through.  I can really identify with the mega wave description.

I'm in my 16 month and I know this us the worst wave ever.  I never felt this bad in my first year.

 

A buddy mentioned the book "Recovery & Renewal" by Bliss Johns. I read it last year and decided to read it again because I was looking for help.  I didn't realize it took Bliss 24 months to heal and her worst month were 12 to 18. She also emphasized that nothing can help us but time. She listed some suggestion for distracting yourself, and one unique thought that she believed works: she asks her unconscious mind to do whatever is necessary in order to feel better. It sounds kind of gimmicky, but when you're in terrible pain and can hardly walk, I'm willing to try anything, but Benzos.  The book also renewed my hope, which is the most important thing to make it through recovery.

 

I'm so sorry most of you are suffering as much as me and I hope we begin to feel better soon.

Korbe

 

Korbe, hang in there.  I didn't realize you were someone who is having a worse second than first year.  The nerve pain is awful, but we do here about it at 16 months, and people do get better, it does pass. 

 

The worst thing that can happen, from my perspective, is I don't know why I'm getting these bizarre, confusing, painful, and, yes, sometimes debilitating symptoms, so far out, at the start of my 17th month, just about where you are, Korbe.  Because the danger is we run to doctors who are not benzo wise, who won't even acknowledge this could be happening from a benzo - I think Drew touched on this - they will not even entertain we could be having these symptoms 16 months later because of the drug.  And the danger is, the doctors start prescribing meds for every symptom we have, because that's what they do, and then we're in trouble. 

 

So you sound a lot better, like you have a handle on what's going on.  I think getting support really helps with that, understanding what's going on.

[[Gr...]]

Healinghope,

Thanks for sharing what you have gone through.  I can really identify with the mega wave description.

I'm in my 16 month and I know this us the worst wave ever.  I never felt this bad in my first year.

 

A buddy mentioned the book "Recovery & Renewal" by Bliss Johns. I read it last year and decided to read it again because I was looking for help.  I didn't realize it took Bliss 24 months to heal and her worst month were 12 to 18. She also emphasized that nothing can help us but time. She listed some suggestion for distracting yourself, and one unique thought that she believed works: she asks her unconscious mind to do whatever is necessary in order to feel better. It sounds kind of gimmicky, but when you're in terrible pain and can hardly walk, I'm willing to try anything, but Benzos.  The book also renewed my hope, which is the most important thing to make it through recovery.

 

I'm so sorry most of you are suffering as much as me and I hope we begin to feel better soon.

Korbe

 

Korbe, what you wrote, I highlighted, I try to do that.  I'm in the middle of a wave now, and it's trying, the damned things just wear us down.  I do try to help myself feel better from within, I try to meditate, pray, and let go of the pain, anxiety, fear.  I think that's the way to go.  This is such a long journey.  I quickly ran out of external resources.  Only then did I begin to attempt to look within myself.  And it don't come natural, I'll tell you that, I've always gone to sources outside myself.  But withdrawal changes us, it changed me forever.  Thanks for your post.  It was very thought provoking, I got a lot out of it.