12-18 month support

[[je...]]

HH-- thank you so much for posting this!! iam so happy for you, I can just hear the healing in your post. I'm almost at 18 months and have been hit with a ton of anxiety,so hearing you were dealing with it too around that time makes me feel so much better. How Long would you say that bout of anxiety lasted for you? I think I'm at about 3 weeks now, and hoping its on its way out. So thankful you are part of this thread  jenny

[[Gr...]]

Green ... yep ... high hopes for Spring ... and we are getting another snow storm on Sunday ... gotta stop dumping on myself ... the clouds are doing are real good job of that ...

 

Hope you are doing well ...

 

Another one?!  Jeez, I've had it.  Good days, bad days, seems like I have Sky's alternate day pattern going on.  Hope you're getting some little breaks.

[[mr...]]

Jenny --  :smitten:

 

Mrs.

[[Gr...]]

Coop,

I'm so happy you are feeling better, its great to hear so I hope you always let us know about it as I feel its a big encouragement. that dog of yours sounds like such a sweetie, I'm so glad to hear he's feeling better. Well, we got another day down in the books , another day closer to being healed. I'm so thankful for each of you 

 

Jenny,

 

It must be exhausting to be so far out, to know it's got to be close to the end, and still get these waves.  It's just exhausting.  I agree with Lostdog that 12-18 is very hard, but no way near as bad as year one.  It's just hard to keep kickstarting your life, and then have these waves come and sputter it out, stop you in your tracks.  that's how it feels to me, anyway.  but you're not stopped in your tracks.  your improvements are yours, you won't lose them.  this is just a temporary setback, don't worry, you're getting there.  You're climbing mountains, lady!  DO NOT STOP NOW!  All of your hard reentry work is going to pay in spades. 

 

PS  the anxiety and cortisol spikes are awful.  I try to manage them, but I'm very cautious, always feel like I have a rattlesnake on my shoulder.  Scary symptom

 

Hang on.  home stretch.

[[He...]]

HH-- thank you so much for posting this!! iam so happy for you, I can just hear the healing in your post. I'm almost at 18 months and have been hit with a ton of anxiety,so hearing you were dealing with it too around that time makes me feel so much better. How Long would you say that bout of anxiety lasted for you? I think I'm at about 3 weeks now, and hoping its on its way out. So thankful you are part of this thread  jenny

 

Hi Jenny,

My wave was about 3 or 4 weeks. It got really brutal at the end! I was posting frantically during a couple of the days. It was probably the worst wave I had yet experienced, and I almost went to the ER. My anxiety was horribly bad. It scared the crap out of me because, while wavy, I had been doing ok, but then The Wave hit. Yikes.

 

Hang in there. It gets better! 

 

Actually, I just went back and checked my old posts...my 18 month wave was more like 6 weeks.

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Jenny, ...We are getting so close...putting one foot in front of the other has taken us a long way. This is going to be a good summer for all of us.

....coop

 

Coop, yes, I also hope your pooch is feeling better.  do you have his/her picture posted?

 

Sky -- I'm afraid you'll hit me with a Spanish book if I say hang on, it will be spring soon and we will all feel better!  But hope springs eternal!  Feel better, buddy

[[Gr...]]

Hi my friends!

 

Posting some encouragement for you as I'm one of the furthest out in our troup of warriors. I'm almost at 20 1/2 months out and I feel like I've turned a very significant corner. I've been holding together quite well the past few weeks, despite the extreme stress I've been living in. We have been in our new place since Sunday and, while not fully unpacked, it's functional. I'm proud of myself because I've made dinner the past 3 nights, which is a big deal for me. I've had some anxiety in the mornings, but nothing like before. I'm noticing that my anxiety is really calming down. My health anxiety is still there, whispering in the background, but at least it has stopped screaming and I rarely take my pulse anymore. I sleep great and can easily fall back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night. This is amazing as my insomnia and the cortisol rushes that used to jolt me out of bed at all hours were horrible! My last symptoms seem to still be chest tightness/pressure, some head pressure, and some vision stuff. My anxiety and my depression is at a fairly low level.

 

I've been fighting a virus for the past couple of days, spiking a fever on and off, but it hasn't thrown me into acute. I just feel sick...not Benzo sick, just the run of the mill yuck.

 

My last BIG wave was the end of December/first of January when I seriously thought I was having a breakdown. That was right at 18 months off, but the whole couple months leading up to it was not good.

 

I feel like I can do just about anything now. Thoughts of activities don't bring anxiety with them. In fact, I'm going to go on the East coast trip with the school group and my daughter. I thank you for all the advice, including the PMs, and I really took it to heart, but I think it was my daughter's car accident that really made me realize that I can NOT allow w/d to rob me of any more experiences. I think I'm going to do ok. I'll probably be anxious on the plane, but I can deal with it....I've certainly lived through being anxious before! I think this is so important to my recovery. I'll be proving to myself that I can do anything. (Actually, I think moving out of our house has proved that.)

 

In 6 days I will be landing in Boston and will spend the next 10 days with 50 other people (many of my closest friends and previous students, and my daughter ) touring Boston, NYC, Philadelphia, and Washington DC. As I type this I feel EXCITEMENT, no anxiety.  Holy cow! I do have some "safety nets"....I'll be rooming with a great friend whom understands what I've been through the past 2 years of w/d, there will be a little down time as we have some parts of the tour on a nice tour bus, and I'll be in "teacher-mode" as I'm a group leader (teacher-mode has gotten me through the very worst of withdrawals). I really think I will not only be ok, but I'll actually ENJOY myself!! (Fingers crossed...Lol )

 

Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I read your posts almost everyday.

Love to you all! It's time to crawl my aching, feverish body into bed.

HH

 

HH :clap: :yippee:   I am soooo happy to hear your good news.  I am sooo happy you're taking that trip, that you feel well enough, confidant enough, to do it.  It's so nice to celebrate the small, and huge, successes, and pretty soon you'll be writing the big story!

[[Gr...]]

Somebody was talking about getting validation from a therapist before.  I don't know why it's so hard, but it is, I cannot get validation from anyone, on just the existence of the symptoms, of what is still going on.  I figured if I paid someone, a therapist, she would validate, validate, not sympathize, not hold my hand, not listen to me rant, just acknowledge what I still experience.  and she will not do it.  I don't know what it is -- maybe people cannot empathize with what they don't understand?  She'll ask how I'm doing, and doesn't seem to want to hear what's going on withdrawal related, not sleeping, the internal vibes.  I think she thinks the best way to deal with it is not give me attention when I talk about symptoms?  so I just move on and forget about them?  which is crazy, because that's what I do most of the time.  It's when they're bad I need to talk about it.  So thank goodness we have the site, each other.  and I am learning in therapy to be there for myself, to validate myself, which is huge.  But when the waves come, thank God we can come here.

[[No...]]

HH ... such good news ... all you folks, when you are doing well let us know ... it really, really helps ...

 

Please, do not hide your light under a bushel, I need it when my path gets dark ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... validation ... I stopped looking "outside" a while ago, now except for my wife and BB, it is all self-validation ... and that has been very helpful ... part of my "exercise" to get back in shape ... 

[[No...]]

Well, here I am at 130 AM ... some broken sleep and scary dream fragments ... haven't had those in a while ... would rather be up than playing "haunted house" in my sleep ...

 

Its Friday here ... the wind is blowing and it is cold again ... even this weather is having "waves" ... and they are talking about a snow storm again on Sunday ...

 

Still cycling ... and the dream bits did not help the anxiety ... and there are breaks for an hour or three in between ... so this isn't acute ... the is just bothersome ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[Co...]]

HH, ...I am thrilled for you!...Thank you for posting your great improvement....You are ahead of me and it is so so encouraging to see those ahead of us healing. ..You go on that trip!...You sound ready, you have support and some built in 'outs' ..and your daughter will remember the wonderful time she had with you for years to come...

.....I read your post 3 times...borrowing your confidence...coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Green!...Yes, my dog..Kona ( he is the color of dark coffee and cream...lab and shepherd) is starting to feel better. We just came in from a trip to the yard..

....I want to strangle your therapist. I think they don't respond to conversations that they think are not reality based like not encouraging our unrealistic beliefs...like 24 month recoveries from benzo use. That posture infuriates me. It's that noncommital nod and an sense of anything that validates your ' erroneous belief'...you are supposed to catch on that it'd not readonable....eerrrr...I also have not been validated by anyone that it can take 2 years ( or more) and when I start describing even 2 of my sx I get the look

I even tried to tell a very good friend that withdrawing from antianxiety medication can take 2 years...she gave me the look and changed the subject. I forgive her because she is a dear friend and I honestly know nobody can understand this unless they have been through it. But therapists and doctors should know better. ....I absolutely could not do this without our peeps here.

...I read North's story again tonight...so encouraging. We are in the last stretch ...please excuse my rant about your therapust...I shouldn't talk about therapists.

....so good to see you Green.....coop

[[Co...]]

Oh, Nova...where the heck is that sleep fairy with all the sleep dust. I agree, getting up is better than staying in bed wrestling with weird dreams and anxiety. ...I am sorry that you are sleepless in Nova Scotia..and more snow is coming...The snow has to give it up now..Nova, I hope you can sleep after you pad around for awhile...We will be the best cyclists in town after this is done. Someone needs to switch out our stationary bikes though and bring us ones that will take us out of this.

....sending you thoughts for a better day tomorrow...coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green!...Yes, my dog..Kona ( he is the color of dark coffee and cream...lab and shepherd) is starting to feel better. We just came in from a trip to the yard..

....I want to strangle your therapist. I think they don't respond to conversations that they think are not reality based like not encouraging our unrealistic beliefs...like 24 month recoveries from benzo use. That posture infuriates me. It's that noncommital nod and an sense of anything that validates your ' erroneous belief'...you are supposed to catch on that it'd not readonable....eerrrr...I also have not been validated by anyone that it can take 2 years ( or more) and when I start describing even 2 of my sx I get the look

I even tried to tell a very good friend that withdrawing from antianxiety medication can take 2 years...she gave me the look and changed the subject. I forgive her because she is a dear friend and I honestly know nobody can understand this unless they have been through it. But therapists and doctors should know better. ....I absolutely could not do this without our peeps here.

...I read North's story again tonight...so encouraging. We are in the last stretch ...please excuse my rant about your therapust...I shouldn't talk about therapists.

....so good to see you Green.....coop

 

Thank you, Coop and Nova, for the validation, lol!  I would love "an interpretation" of that look, the glazed look that passes over the eyes.  What are they thinking?  Why do I care?  I don't know.  I shouldn't.  Dammit, I want credit!  I want it on my permanent record, that I suffered,  !

 

I think it's as Nova says, except for very special people, we have to validate ourselves.  Maybe that's part of the learning experience of withdrawal?  I don't know.  Do you think we'll forget how bad it was when we get better?  Will we move on and forget this ever happened?  People say that happens.  How do you forget two years of your life?

 

Nova, I know you're still up, b/c you noted the time.  Coop is too, but she's on the other coast.  I'm not sleeping either, haven't been for a while.  It's 10 to 2 and I'm pretty wired.

 

Hope we all get a little sleep.

[[Co...]]

Hi Green, yep I am still up I just took my poor dog out for the second time since 8...I don't know if he is going to be able to stay on the antibiotic...maybe I should feed him some yogurt.

....Oh,..I don't know what therapists are thinking when they don't engage in our need for real support through w/d. I think they don't want to encourage our ' obsessive unrealistic focus on w/d'...as we are obviously fixated on an unreasonable belief to avoid dealing with our 'real' issues. ...well that's just my jaded take on it.

...Green...sorry you are wired at 2 in the morning. ...what do you at 2 in the morning? ...I've seen 33 seasons of Fraiser and just as many of Friends...when my concentration is decent I read....here's hoping you settle...coop

[[dr...]]

Hi late night all...show went fine. Brain is just cement feeling w no emotions. I can deal.  Green n coop go to bed!  Nite

[[dr...]]

Oh someone who healed sent me a response to a pm- I won't use the name and I doubt they would mind knowing that it helps us. 

 

 

hi- I was still pretty messed up at 10 months. And I had some big waves hit me repeatedly as I healed. I know how hard it is to think that you will come out of it on the other side when you are hit with it again. Each time I would forget any healing that had taken place and be sunk into this pit of worst its ever been thinking.

Between us, building up the tolls to cope with anxiety, whether it be from withdrawal or after in your back to baseline life, are really necessary. I personally think that there really is not any pharmaceutical tool that is going to take emotional issues away completely, and that learning how to endure and accept and move through it in spite of it, is vital to dealing with withdrawal and life after. The truth for me is that I was anxious before benzos, anxious as hell during withdrawal, and anxious now. It is a part of me. And so I move forward in spite of it, knowing it will not take me down, it will just be a pain in the butt trying to convince me it will. I am glad if anything of my experience can be a help to someone else who is going through it. Just remember- you are indeed going through it, even though it might seem like you are standing still and stuck in it. it gets better. And its never ever linear, so you can't focus on the dips and bumps. It is what it is, and my way was different than others in my same timeframe, but in the end- everyone that started withdrawal with me is not still around benzo buddies still in the thick of it. You heal. Some of them go back on, and some like us, swear off it for good. It just loses its ability to help anything so quickly, and tolerance happens. You made the right decision, and also to stay in the game of life, despite being in withdrawal. Drag yourself to work, distract as much as you can and keep going. Print out your own post from this month ans see where you are this time next year- you will be amazed.

best-

 

[[Co...]]

That's great Drew.  Thank you so much for that...Glad your performance went well...goodnight to you...

[[No...]]

Well it is now 4 AM ... no more sleep ... and that's okay ... tried to settle down and the wheels just kept moving ...

 

A good description of healing, in general, and a commentary on contemporary medicine is Victoria Sweet's "God's Hotel" ... I keep coming back to this work ... everything is about "being in Time" ... and "examining" ... and "seeing" ...

 

Perhaps it is that our culture has lost the rhythm of time ... the ebb and flow ... and as Wendell Berry writes ... of memory and place and community ...

 

There seems to be a chasm of difference between "fixing" and "healing" ... and all the "fixers" have to look in the mirror each day and know they are not healing anyone ... and that must be a terrible "feeling" ... they too perhaps long for healing and are just too frightened to "be there" for someone or themselves ... it takes so much courage to be in the presence of the necessity of healing and just listen for a while ... acknowledge for a while ... love for a while ...

 

We all know this ... we do it for each other and ourselves each day ... we are the healers being healed ... 

[[Sk...]]

Sky ... sounds like teddy bear time ... get a good rest ... tomorrow is another day ... 

 

I am using this poor teddy bear to pieces !! It is teddy bear month ! I hold him to my heart very tightly and wish to be better. He is doing a great job, worth his money in gold !

[[Sk...]]

I really agree with that Nova, I am old so I remember way back when as a child, illness took a healing time. When we were sick we were often home from school for an entire week. It does seem as though today we ( and our doctors) e,pet to take some medicine and " be back on our feet" within days. As a present hooligans teacher I was amazed at how soon a single K child would come back to school A day or two on an antibiotic and tylenol and the child is no longer contagious.  But they are far from feeling well enough to come back to school .I always sent them back home ..they had to be 2 full days fever free ( and not on tylenol) to come back.. even at that they were often tired still.

.  ..Well, that was a little trip down memory lane back to the 'old' times.  Lol. ...That has been the most difficult part of this for me....acceptance ...and time. I fully expected to be back to my life at the end of 6 months.. .we all know how that turned out...

....My window is holding...a very good day again here. Happy .. not only smiling at the dog.  Singing to the dog ..he is not impressed. ...Ironically...and weirdly I am thrown off by feeling better for 3/4 days in a row. ...It feels too sudden...not trustworthy. Maybe I have a bi-polar disorder...I don't care, I'll keep it. .. I want every single buddy here to have 4 days in a row of good. I only have light d/r.. scary...lol

.....So glad to see you back on Nova.  .coop

 

Coop I agree with you and NOVA ON THIS ONE. So I am reposting it.

[[Sk...]]

*lol...not hooligans!......PRESCHOOLERS.. !.  Auto Correct is putting untruth words in my mouth.  Truth be known...there were times when "hooligans" could have been apt...

 

Oh Coop, you are always blaming that poor cell phone of yours and the auto correct. I think it was a lapsus on your part ! Some preschool teachers do feel their kids are hooligans !

[[Sk...]]

Thanks Jenny, ...We are getting so close...putting one foot in front of the other has taken us a long way. This is going to be a good summer for all of us.

....coop

 

Coop, yes, I also hope your pooch is feeling better.  do you have his/her picture posted?

 

Sky -- I'm afraid you'll hit me with a Spanish book if I say hang on, it will be spring soon and we will all feel better!  But hope springs eternal!  Feel better, buddy

 

Sue, if I could find a way to hit somebody with a book online, you definitely would not be the one I hit !

[[Lo...]]

Oh someone who healed sent me a response to a pm- I won't use the name and I doubt they would mind knowing that it helps us. 

 

 

hi- I was still pretty messed up at 10 months. And I had some big waves hit me repeatedly as I healed. I know how hard it is to think that you will come out of it on the other side when you are hit with it again. Each time I would forget any healing that had taken place and be sunk into this pit of worst its ever been thinking.

Between us, building up the tolls to cope with anxiety, whether it be from withdrawal or after in your back to baseline life, are really necessary. I personally think that there really is not any pharmaceutical tool that is going to take emotional issues away completely, and that learning how to endure and accept and move through it in spite of it, is vital to dealing with withdrawal and life after. The truth for me is that I was anxious before benzos, anxious as hell during withdrawal, and anxious now. It is a part of me. And so I move forward in spite of it, knowing it will not take me down, it will just be a pain in the butt trying to convince me it will. I am glad if anything of my experience can be a help to someone else who is going through it. Just remember- you are indeed going through it, even though it might seem like you are standing still and stuck in it. it gets better. And its never ever linear, so you can't focus on the dips and bumps. It is what it is, and my way was different than others in my same timeframe, but in the end- everyone that started withdrawal with me is not still around benzo buddies still in the thick of it. You heal. Some of them go back on, and some like us, swear off it for good. It just loses its ability to help anything so quickly, and tolerance happens. You made the right decision, and also to stay in the game of life, despite being in withdrawal. Drag yourself to work, distract as much as you can and keep going. Print out your own post from this month ans see where you are this time next year- you will be amazed.

best-

 

Drew, thank you for sharing. I needed this today!