12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Drew, ...just a thought about ' automatic'.  thoughts...they do not come from you.. they are totally benzo. Having said that, I think CBT is a great strategy. I only remember bits and parts of my training. In my experience CBT was very effective for NORMAL life stress and anxiety.. like going to the dentist, financial worry, job interviews, so K family members, divorces etc etc. ...The kind of agony that torture me in a wave of health fear and anxiety , for me, was not knocked back by CBT....and when it wasn't effective I thought I " just wasn't doing it right"  adding more angst . For me...distraction helped in the moment...going outside helped, BBs helped tremendously and what really helped was time and endurance. I know that doesn't sound positive but I was always so disappointed and frustrated when the deep breathing , CBT, and positive imaging fell short. It was probably just me, but finally just knowing that it wasn't going to get better until ...it got better allowed me to let go of the thought that if I just did something right...found the right practioner with the right approach, took the right otc medication ( I tried them all), or took the right supplement or herb ( I tried most of them too) I could urge this process along and feel better. Even though the agony continued until the wave lifted I was free if the " maybe if I try this " round about. For me, that round about of things that didn't help was another layer of pain. I am only speaking of my own experience...and some BBs have tried techniques and adjunct medications and supplements and have been helped by them.....it just didn't help me very much. I hope I haven't offended anyone....and if I have I apologize. Truly, I am only speaking of my experience.

  .  Wishing you some break from this ....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, I didn't post that ramble to discourage you from learning it and using it. I use my training all the time for moderate sx. I posted to you only to say that the thoughts are not you ( this is not "all in your head")....and if it doesn't bring you relief it is not because you are just not doing it right. ..ok...I am going to stop with all the blah blah blah ....and just wish you some big healing out of this wave..  coop

[[Co...]]

Just one more thing, ( I guess I have some strong feelings about "automatic thoughts").....in my experience with windows and sunbreaks.....automatic thoughts automatically go away in a good window....and people who have healed say they automatically go away in healing...ok...I really am done with this....sorry .....coop

[[Sk...]]

<<<<<<<<sorry to barge in like this, I have not been here in some time, it feels like years-

I am feeling so bad, my heart is pounding like  a drum. I am scared, it is scary every time.

 

Coop. sorry about your dog, hope he gets well soon. I know what you are saying about automatic thoughts, you are so kind to take the time to explain each thought with such care. I wanted to fight them too, but they are part of the process and it can get worse if you try to avoid them.

 

Sorry, I have not read the recent posts, just the last ones.

[[dr...]]

coop-I'm not looking at CBT as a magic bullet as I already incorporate a bit of strategies that do/don't work but I would like some guidance to see if it helps lower stress from other areas which may spill over and flare me up.  anywho...I am pretty much resigned to waiting this out and I am not looking to do anything that can possibly prolong it.

 

BTW-reading LM's post on how she does less activities post jump I notice I do too.  While tapering I did much more than this post jump period. It was reassuring as I thought I was one of the few who felt  better but did way less after my jump.  I find the fatigue is at a much higher level. 

 

Any thoughts about wether you personally do more or less would be interesting to hear.

[[Co...]]

Drew, I couldn't agree more. .I was practically fully functional in taper and all the way through the first 2/2.5 months of w/d. It all came crashing down in month 4-6. Months 6-about 3 days ago have been my most debilitating. I lived mostly from bed from months 4-8...At month 16 I am just now feeling some physical and mental energy....and hoping it doesn't all fall apart.

.  ..Drew, I knew you were not thinking of CBT  as a magic bullet. I my reaction was around thinking that maybe your practioner might suggest to you that your 'automatic' thoughts could somehow be controlled through self effort. I understand that you are merely trying to learn a strategy to get you through. I am really sorry I didn't mean to go on such a rant... coop

[[dr...]]

oh don't apologize for the rant....you're so silly   Yeah...i'm so over people telling me I am responsible for a lot of how I feel daily. Damn if I can control some of this bat shit crazy ass stuff.  Who is running this insane aslyum?  Us patients who are going to prove that our asylum is the reality by healing!  My rant

 

It really is good to hear that you too are doing less because I really thought I was an outlier on this doing less post jump.  I don't know why I never asked this question before.  Coop-oh...I don't mean that you doing less is a good thing jsut as I am not alone thing:D    I used to do my theater four to five nights a week and go out for drinks.  Now I just sleep when I can.

 

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... I hear what you are saying ... I have a similar experience ... one of the most valuable meditation/relaxations I used to do became ineffective once I hit acute ... and it is still in limbo for me ...

 

And I hear where Drew is coming from ... and we are all unique ... I find it so remarkable when "red" is effective for some and sends others around the bend ... yet they find "blue" soothing and it sends another group around the bend ... if this wasn't so goofy/crazy it would be utterly fascinating ...

 

We do what we do ... and what doesn't have efficacy today will likely be available to us down the road ...

 

And I love hearing what everyone is doing ... and what everyone finds not helpful right now ...

 

And I hear the deep concern we have for each other ...

 

Well ... back to my lousy guts and my ears being squeezed ... and the cute little zaps every now and then ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... "some of this bat shit crazy ass stuff" ... 

 

Could not have put better myself ... gonna use that phrase next time someone asks how I am feeling ... 

[[je...]]

Drew, Nova, and Mrs  thank you for your posts. Mrs you described exactly how I feel " like me, but not me" its very hard to put into words. I know with meditation if I'm in a bad wave of anxiety it doesn't help much, but I still think its a helpful tool. Sky-- I hope you get some relief from these palps soon, I know how scary they can feel. Hugs, jenny

[[Co...]]

Sky...I am sorry you are having another tough day.  Why this has to go on for so long is beyond me...pure torture. I am putting all my wishes out there for you ... I hate it that you are suffering....that any of us are suffering...

.  ..Hoping for you that rest will bring a better day tomorrow...coop

[[Co...]]

Hey Nova, ...you so get it...what works for one fries the heck out of another. I get a little crazed when anyone suggests to us that it's all in our heads and if we change the way we think ( like we don't want to and are trying so hard to do so) we could be done with this in 6 weeks....error

.....Are you feeling any better? ...I hope this is easing up for you.  .it's killing us 'older and wiser BBs'...  nice to see you back on....carry on dear friend.. .we are getting there.. coop

[[No...]]

Sky ... sounds like teddy bear time ... get a good rest ... tomorrow is another day ... 

[[Co...]]

Jenny....It is a good sign that when a wave rolls in on you that your sx are not as intense.  Small consolation I know. I know that feeling of wanting to just feel life...to have all the sludge fall away. .  It's coming....if only we can survive until it does. .

.....My dog is already looking like a new dog after 3 doses of amoxicillin .  Not looking forward to the night trips out to the yard, but he is such a sweet dog...he is worth it

.. .. I hope this lifts for you before your company comes .. thinking of you friend.....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... that is the "reality" of this process ... we cannot think our way out of it ... we can't change the way we are feeling to get out of it ... in fact, there is no "getting out of it" ... we can only go through it ...

 

Seems many folks (and perhaps our culture) have lost the sense of what it is to heal ... and that healing takes time ... and it follows it's own path ... no matter the illness ... and perhaps, there is a little fear engendered in those who "want to help" ... we are mirroring back to them that there is no quick fix ... there is no magic bullet ... despite the advertising in the media ...

 

Seems we have the dubious honour of proclaiming "the emperor has no clothes" ...

 

Oh well ... we know what we are doing ... we know how to do it ... and we will get through this ... 

 

 

[[Co...]]

I really agree with that Nova, I am old so I remember way back when as a child, illness took a healing time. When we were sick we were often home from school for an entire week. It does seem as though today we ( and our doctors) e,pet to take some medicine and " be back on our feet" within days. As a present hooligans teacher I was amazed at how soon a single K child would come back to school A day or two on an antibiotic and tylenol and the child is no longer contagious.  But they are far from feeling well enough to come back to school .I always sent them back home ..they had to be 2 full days fever free ( and not on tylenol) to come back.. even at that they were often tired still.

.  ..Well, that was a little trip down memory lane back to the 'old' times.  Lol. ...That has been the most difficult part of this for me....acceptance ...and time. I fully expected to be back to my life at the end of 6 months.. .we all know how that turned out...

....My window is holding...a very good day again here. Happy .. not only smiling at the dog.  Singing to the dog ..he is not impressed. ...Ironically...and weirdly I am thrown off by feeling better for 3/4 days in a row. ...It feels too sudden...not trustworthy. Maybe I have a bi-polar disorder...I don't care, I'll keep it. .. I want every single buddy here to have 4 days in a row of good. I only have light d/r.. scary...lol

.....So glad to see you back on Nova.  .coop

[[Co...]]

*lol...not hooligans!......PRESCHOOLERS.. !.  Auto Correct is putting untruth words in my mouth.  Truth be known...there were times when "hooligans" could have been apt...

[[dr...]]

Lol...I was wondering if you taught in a prison.

 

Don't let the beast steal happiness from your good days.  Ride it til it breaks.

[[Co...]]

Thanks Drew, ...I feel ambivalent about posting good days when others are swimming against the tides. But when I am inthe rip tides , which I am sure I will be again ( waiting for the other shoe to drop), I am encouraged when someone posts improvement. I really could not be more taken off gaurd ..but as you say I am going with it like someone left the gate open .. until I am li ked back into the yard watching the world go by through the slats. 

.....If I could Drew, I would give you half of my 4 good days.. coop

[[dr...]]

So sweet.  I love how we all take care of each other.  We always have those feelings of not wanting to post but it helps me for sure.  I just soaked in a hot tub and used a bag of I've to relax all my tight muscles.  Felt a non migraine headache coming on but that seemed to work.  Going to meditate for third time today and then perform.  Catch all in the morning. 

[[Co...]]

Drew, you are doing an excellent job of taking good care of yourself...that goes such a long way. ...Good luck on your performance ...Sleep well..and have a good day tomorrow...coop

[[je...]]

Coop,

I'm so happy you are feeling better, its great to hear so I hope you always let us know about it as I feel its a big encouragement. that dog of yours sounds like such a sweetie, I'm so glad to hear he's feeling better. Well, we got another day down in the books , another day closer to being healed. I'm so thankful for each of you 

[[je...]]

Good luck with your performance Drew! I dont know how you do it 

[[Co...]]

Thanks Jenny, ...We are getting so close...putting one foot in front of the other has taken us a long way. This is going to be a good summer for all of us.

....coop

[[He...]]

Hi my friends!

 

Posting some encouragement for you as I'm one of the furthest out in our troup of warriors. I'm almost at 20 1/2 months out and I feel like I've turned a very significant corner. I've been holding together quite well the past few weeks, despite the extreme stress I've been living in. We have been in our new place since Sunday and, while not fully unpacked, it's functional. I'm proud of myself because I've made dinner the past 3 nights, which is a big deal for me. I've had some anxiety in the mornings, but nothing like before. I'm noticing that my anxiety is really calming down. My health anxiety is still there, whispering in the background, but at least it has stopped screaming and I rarely take my pulse anymore. I sleep great and can easily fall back to sleep if I wake up in the middle of the night. This is amazing as my insomnia and the cortisol rushes that used to jolt me out of bed at all hours were horrible! My last symptoms seem to still be chest tightness/pressure, some head pressure, and some vision stuff. My anxiety and my depression is at a fairly low level.

 

I've been fighting a virus for the past couple of days, spiking a fever on and off, but it hasn't thrown me into acute. I just feel sick...not Benzo sick, just the run of the mill yuck.

 

My last BIG wave was the end of December/first of January when I seriously thought I was having a breakdown. That was right at 18 months off, but the whole couple months leading up to it was not good.

 

I feel like I can do just about anything now. Thoughts of activities don't bring anxiety with them. In fact, I'm going to go on the East coast trip with the school group and my daughter. I thank you for all the advice, including the PMs, and I really took it to heart, but I think it was my daughter's car accident that really made me realize that I can NOT allow w/d to rob me of any more experiences. I think I'm going to do ok. I'll probably be anxious on the plane, but I can deal with it....I've certainly lived through being anxious before! I think this is so important to my recovery. I'll be proving to myself that I can do anything. (Actually, I think moving out of our house has proved that.)

 

In 6 days I will be landing in Boston and will spend the next 10 days with 50 other people (many of my closest friends and previous students, and my daughter ) touring Boston, NYC, Philadelphia, and Washington DC. As I type this I feel EXCITEMENT, no anxiety.  Holy cow! I do have some "safety nets"....I'll be rooming with a great friend whom understands what I've been through the past 2 years of w/d, there will be a little down time as we have some parts of the tour on a nice tour bus, and I'll be in "teacher-mode" as I'm a group leader (teacher-mode has gotten me through the very worst of withdrawals). I really think I will not only be ok, but I'll actually ENJOY myself!! (Fingers crossed...Lol )

 

Anyway, I just wanted to check in. I read your posts almost everyday.

Love to you all! It's time to crawl my aching, feverish body into bed.

HH