12-18 month support

[[dr...]]

Hi all...happy to report I'm having a small reprieve from the symptoms. As I mentioned earlier I was finally able to self talk myself down. Since then I had a meeting where I was uncomfortable but did it. My clients must think I'm nuts cause I lift my glasses up and down every minute.  When my brain is off my eyes go wonky which I know several of us have. 

Since then I meditated, had a dermatologist appt w a needle in eyelid, and now relaxing outside in a shopping area waiting for my 6pm therapy for CBT.  No anxiety at all just symptoms.  So nice to just sit and not be stuck w thoughts. Go figure.  I needed this break.

[[Aq...]]

That's great, Drew! It's great to have those rare moments where you don't feel like you are just trying to survive and you can just be. It is very exhausting with the constant feeling of what I call 'systems checks'. It's that constant full body extreme awareness of every minute change in environment and body. I feel like the real windows happen when you can just live without all of that. You can be fully engaged in something without thinking about 'me.'

 

One day we will be back there.

[[dr...]]

That's great, Drew! It's great to have those rare moments where you don't feel like you are just trying to survive and you can just be. It is very exhausting with the constant feeling of what I call 'systems checks'. It's that constant full body extreme awareness of every minute change in environment and body. I feel like the real windows happen when you can just live without all of that. You can be fully engaged in something without thinking about 'me.'

 

One day we will be back there.

 

Exactly!!!

[[Co...]]

Drew, ...so happy to hear this!  That is how my last wave lifted.  gradually over a few days. BTW, ...the author of the article that Minnie posted is a phydician...specializing in w/d. I know exactly what you mean about 'the look' and feeling like we have to defend our recovery misery with PhD knowledge and affirmation... who can possibly believe us when we try to explain the rabbit hole experience we are in. No wonder they look at us with gaping jaws and  questioning eyes.

  ....You sound like you are starting on the upside..sending wishes for peaceful sleep and more sunbreaks tomorrow...coop

[[dr...]]

I just got done w my therapist.  I haven't seen him in person for over a year.  He had difficulty believing everything I was saying was due to benzos. More of the previous condition bs.  We went back n forth for thirty minutes.  Frustrated I said let's agree to disagree but I want to do the structured CBT program to change unconscious thought patterns. 

Later in the session I said "alcoholics can take years to recover, no?"  He agreed w that statement. I then said "if they effect the same gaba receptors why would it be such a big jump that benzos could do the same thing?"  Bingo!!!  I'm sending himbashron manual and he promised me he would read.  Lots more to it but he is overall an excellent guy and not as dismissive as this may sound. It just gets old the preamble we have to go through

[[Co...]]

Peace,....nice to see you girlie. The testing sounds interesting . ...I am not in your shoes, but just a thought...I would wait a few months before handing over 800$. .just give it a little more time to be sure this practioner is everything you believe her to be. I had a similar process pitched at me last summer. I went to a chiropractor. ..he did help me with some gentle manipulations ...gave me some testing and presented me with a 'package' of treatment...and then offered me further 'in depth' evaluation, testing, nutritional counseling and life style coaching based on the ' in depth' evaluation. ...he also wanted quite a sum for the second track of treatment. I flat out couldn't afford it, but I wanted all of what he offered. After I thought about it for awhile ( over a few weeks) I just decided to keep reading and researching nutrition and thought a life style coach wasn't going to do me much good until I was really closer to re-entry. I did see a life coach for awhile this fall, but I couldn't follow through on goals. I finally just quit and made getting better my only goal.

....Those are just random thoughts....You decide what's best for you. ...You know all my dismal experiences with supplements, herbals, vitamins and homeopathics...Now I just eat obsessively healthy...can hardly accept a chocolate or potato chip if someone offers me treats...

......I hope you are moving towards the upside Peace...it has been a long hard year...I remember so well the start of the school year for you...thinking of you MightyGirl...Wishing youbsunbreaks....love to you....coop

[[pe...]]

Thanks Coop,

I appreciate your thoughts. It's a long hard journey back to good health and I certainly see how underlying deficiencies and metabolic issues put me in position for this horrible saga. But I do want to move cautiously. Some things are better and there's still way to much ugly hanging round right under the surface.

 

I'll let you all know if anything comes of it. What I have gathered is that we are all very different and have to find our own way through this and life with the help of good people- including the steadfast friends here.

 

I'm going to apologize again (and again, and again) for not being here more to support others. My work is ramping up with lots of meetings, conferences, projects. We have to go to my dad's house this weekend to take care of somethings - my first time there since his death three months ago. And my oldest has two birthday parties coming up - on the same day in about two weeks and then the following weekend we fly across country to support my sister at an important event. Oof. And so I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am. It's a sure sign things are better than last year - but I feel it could all fall apart at any time.

 

But I think of you all and read along even if I don't post much.

Love you all.

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Goodnight 12-18 buddies. It's quiet here tonight, I hope that is because people are feeling better.

....my window is still holding...some nice effortless mind hours...Baseline back to good ( 85-90 %...maybe a little more). Just moderate d/r and dizziness...all manageable. Still smiling at the dog ...and feeling hopeful ( feeling hopeful has backfired on me so many times). ...If I could feel this good consistently I would take the deal and run.

.....thinking of everyone .  Wishing all of us healing ....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace...no apologies . We love to see you when you stop in...I don't know how working buddies log on at all . Just know I think of you and am wishing you healing and tons of support from all directions. Yep...this is an absolutely individual process for all of us....you will know  what works and doesn't work. ...Mercy girl....you have a calender that would undo a wedding planner....take good care....coop

[[dr...]]

Night coop n peace.

 

Coop-I made that same deal n my last window....if this is as good as it gets I can live my life.  The great thing is we are eventually going to be so much better than a good baseline.  Glad you're doing well.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... sat with my grumpy, I am not feeling like giving a shit, mood for a couple of days ... mood has not much improved ... and neither has this cycling ...

 

Mostly driving me to discouragement in my lower moments ... then I remember ... there is no where else to turn ... I started down this path ... I just have to get to the end sometime ...

 

Be Well ...

[[No...]]

Here is perhaps a little inspiration for some darker moments ... "Grandma Gatewood's Walk" ... a very tenacious and loving woman ... a would say a good book ...

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova ....so sorry you are still rowing through this wave. I get the " I don't care anymore" state of mind...I have been there often. Sometimes it gave me a sort of emotionally detached break from the constant heaviness of it. Many times I was in that space of..." whatever...".

......We're with you Nova....it's bound to break ...I am glad that your concentration is present enough to allow all the reading that you do. ..Hope you are feeling good enough to get in some cooking and walking...

......My poor pooch really needs me to smile at him today. The vet had to come out yesterday and give him an antibiotic injection...quite the dog drama.. poor guy had an infection in his chops...Up and out for a few trips outside in the dead of night last night...we all know what antibiotics do to the gut. I think we will be night walkers for the next 10 nights...mercy...it's cold and dark out  there. ( we only go 30 get from the apartment, but I feel like an Artic adventurer...and the poor dog is entirely confused).

.....Wishing you a better day Nova...love to you....coop

 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... poor dog ... and poor you having to go out at all hours ...

 

I am okay ... just not real "happy" of late ... this cycling is not a good way to spend my time ... and it is what I have to do right now ...

 

We got a "big melt" yesterday ... then another quick freeze ... two steps forward, one and half steps back ... sound familiar? ...

 

Have a good day ...

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Coop,

I appreciate your thoughts. It's a long hard journey back to good health and I certainly see how underlying deficiencies and metabolic issues put me in position for this horrible saga. But I do want to move cautiously. Some things are better and there's still way to much ugly hanging round right under the surface.

 

I'll let you all know if anything comes of it. What I have gathered is that we are all very different and have to find our own way through this and life with the help of good people- including the steadfast friends here.

 

I'm going to apologize again (and again, and again) for not being here more to support others. My work is ramping up with lots of meetings, conferences, projects. We have to go to my dad's house this weekend to take care of somethings - my first time there since his death three months ago. And my oldest has two birthday parties coming up - on the same day in about two weeks and then the following weekend we fly across country to support my sister at an important event. Oof. And so I am barely keeping my head above water, but I am. It's a sure sign things are better than last year - but I feel it could all fall apart at any time.

 

But I think of you all and read along even if I don't post much.

Love you all.

Peace2

 

Peace,

 

You never need to apologize for living a full life.  That's the whole point of all of this!  That's everyone's goal, isn't it?

 

Just to add to what I think Coop is saying, we're a few months ahead of you, and this takes time, is all.  I know it's hard for you because you have to actually function in the work place and raise children and you really need to feel better to do all of that.  But you will feel better.  I should have mentioned, even though I felt better after the 12.5 turnaround, I had extreme, extreme fatigue, I was always tired, and had awful body aches.  It was such an improvement from the first year, I was  grateful, but it took its toll.  Anyway, what I've found, and what I've red in tens of success stories, time is what heals us.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Coop ... poor dog ... and poor you having to go out at all hours ...

 

I am okay ... just not real "happy" of late ... this cycling is not a good way to spend my time ... and it is what I have to do right now ...

 

We got a "big melt" yesterday ... then another quick freeze ... two steps forward, one and half steps back ... sound familiar? ...

 

Have a good day ...

 

Nova,

 

we got that big melt, and now the freeze.  I felt so much better yesterday, when it was sunny and mild.  not as good today.  I have high hopes for spring.

[[No...]]

Green ... yep ... high hopes for Spring ... and we are getting another snow storm on Sunday ... gotta stop dumping on myself ... the clouds are doing are real good job of that ...

 

Hope you are doing well ...

[[fi...]]

Hello all! Sorry it's been a few days. Work has been crazy. I'm feeling a bit better that I was a few days ago. I did a little research into what I was feeling and I discovered that I have been having really bad agoraphobia for a while now. I always thought it was just someone afraid to leave the house, but just the idea of going certain places caused me panic attacks. I'm finally starting to open up a bit about what I am suffering through with some of the nurses I work with. I just feel bad that they have to put up with me and I just want to prepare them incase I have another collapse like last Friday. I started meditating the best I can and I just ordered Bliss Frederick's book "Recovery and Renewal". I've heard it helps people. I've also been reading Matt Samet's book, "Death Grip". Very easy to see in these books that this is exactly what we are going though. Wish more people knew.

 

Read a few of your posts:

 

Drew - awesome! So glad your window hit.

 

Nova - I take it by your screen name, you are in Canada? I'm sorry about your crappy weather. Here in Michigan it is just starting to warm up. I pray for good moments for you ahead.

 

Be safe and send me PM's! I love getting personal messages and find I can respond to them easier. Would love to 1 on 1 and discuss anything.

 

~Film

[[dr...]]

thx film...it's no where near a window jsut not a constant white knuckle day.  It is a start.

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive taken a break for a few days, been in a very blah mood lately. Tons of anxiety and weird thoughts lately, kinda hopeless feeling. I know now Im in a wave because my nerve pain has kicked up along with the head and sinus pressure. I will say that everything is lower in intensity than usual, so that is good. Had to go to a kids birthday party last night at a carnival type place, the stimulation from the kids screaming and all the lights and sounds really bothered me. I sat there looking around at all these people and kids laughing and being completely carefree and wondered if I will ever feel that way.. To laugh and be truly happy without all this heavy mind stuff/anxiety weighing so heavily on me. We have friends coming over for dinner tomorrow night and I am already feeling anxiety about it.. I just wish I could enjoy things like a normal person instead of white knuckling my way through it. Sorry for the rant.. Drew please lmk how the cbt goes and if you can share any useful tools that you learn, I really need improvement in this area too. Love to all of you 

 

Coop--Hope your poor doggy is feeling better!

[[dr...]]

Oh Jenny...I think the same thing as I'm sure we all do.   To go into a theater or watch an event and really just be there enjoying the event instead of surviving through it.  I turned down world series tix because I knew it would be torture.  Once we are better we will enjoy and sovor everything more than most.  We have to keep telling ourselves that and have the blind faith that we ALL will heal.  ride it out like we all do.

 

Will keep you posted on CBT.  he is sending me a bunch of stuff that I have to fill out daily and I presume lots of exercises.  He wants to stop my "automatic" thoughts which lead to my anxiety.  I am a fan for that.  

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... seems all we do right now is keep going ... we will get better than today ... not much else to say right now ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[No...]]

Drew ... good to hear that you may be finding a thread into some of your stuff ... that is encouraging ... let us know how it goes ...

[[Lo...]]

Oh Jenny...I think the same thing as I'm sure we all do.   To go into a theater or watch an event and really just be there enjoying the event instead of surviving through it.  I turned down world series tix because I knew it would be torture.  Once we are better we will enjoy and sovor everything more than most.  We have to keep telling ourselves that and have the blind faith that we ALL will heal.  ride it out like we all do.

 

Will keep you posted on CBT.  he is sending me a bunch of stuff that I have to fill out daily and I presume lots of exercises.  He wants to stop my "automatic" thoughts which lead to my anxiety.  I am a fan for that.

 

I work at a performing arts center...and while all shows aren't free we get discounts and I can't even go to a show. This time last year during my taper I was going to full fledged concerts! I was going to church, birthday parties...I jumped on April 30th and within a month it all stopped! Last show I went too I had a panic attack, last full fledged staff mtg (60+ people) I wanted to faint!

 

It's a lot to swallow, trying to keep my head above water. My job is giving me the blues because my balance issues is intefering in the way of my duties.

 

Mind you one of the duties is to go once a week to finance (across the bldg...a city block) and the assistant goes every week...why can't she take my stuff with her? My boss goes too...it makes no sense for all 3 of us to go!

 

As bad as I feel I am looking for another job, I don't feel wanted here any more...haven't felt good here in a long while.  :'(

 

I can't afford to not work or go on disability. Disability is only 60% of my pay if I'm approved.

 

This all sucks! 

[[mr...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive taken a break for a few days, been in a very blah mood lately. Tons of anxiety and weird thoughts lately, kinda hopeless feeling. I know now Im in a wave because my nerve pain has kicked up along with the head and sinus pressure. I will say that everything is lower in intensity than usual, so that is good. Had to go to a kids birthday party last night at a carnival type place, the stimulation from the kids screaming and all the lights and sounds really bothered me. I sat there looking around at all these people and kids laughing and being completely carefree and wondered if I will ever feel that way.. To laugh and be truly happy without all this heavy mind stuff/anxiety weighing so heavily on me. We have friends coming over for dinner tomorrow night and I am already feeling anxiety about it.. I just wish I could enjoy things like a normal person instead of white knuckling my way through it. Sorry for the rant.. Drew please lmk how the cbt goes and if you can share any useful tools that you learn, I really need improvement in this area too. Love to all of you 

 

Coop--Hope your poor doggy is feeling better!

 

Jenny,

 

Your post reads so very similarly to the posts of so many success story buddies, during their 2nd year off. Check out L123's posting history, or Sir William (remember him? He was the one I posted the PM from, saying he'd completely recovered), or Northofhere, or Sophia, or even Ian Singleton's recovery video on www.cepuk.org, etc...so so many others to name also. The second year can feel confusing, because you feel like "you" but then again not "you", so it is easy to be tempted to think that this is just the "new you" - if that makes sense! But hold out, Jenny - you can't stop your 100% recovery from happening if you tried, girl. It is HAPPENING, and that is a FACT.

 

I do understand where you're coming from though. Its like, YES, we are well enough that we can do all things we did pre-withdrawal. Just not all at once, or not with "effortless mind", or not as fast, or not as efficiently etc...but it WILL get back to that place again, girl. No doubt. And no fear.

 

Hows things otherwise? Was your weekend well besides? I surely hope so! I hope you're feeling better soon, dear Take care,

 

Mrs.