12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

HH--so sorry you had such a rough night.  Seriously ANYTHING always seems worse at 3 a.m. and your panic attack sounds just awful.  Reading these stories and seeing how mild my rapid heart rate stories are compared to this makes me think my withdrawal illness must still have a lot to do with opioids.  When I went one time to an addiction doctor about a year ago, she said that in general opioid symptoms were more physical and benzos were more mental.

 

HH--I just can't believe you were making it to school to teach and do conferences last week.  Thinking about your story and the way some of this is working for me, I wonder if you get a certain amount of adrenalin going for those things you really HAVE to do and be up for, and then when you make it through, your symptoms come roaring back.  This has always been my pattern for migraines.  I get them AFTER the stressful thing has passed.

 

I felt so horrid the day before Thanksgiving I came close to telling my husband the gathering should be at my son's house.  I was crying.  In the pit again.  And then yesterday I was miraculously well.  Just felt 100%.  It was that same way on our 40th anniversary back in June.  Another time we had tickets for Ashland--you get this reference if others don't!--and I was crying through the night with my husband holding me.  Then, in the morning, we got up, got in the car and drove down there.  Had a great time. Felt  fine.  Of course, often, afterwards, I'd crash.  It's like our brain's way of saying, OKAY, FOR THIS SPECIAL OCCASION i'M GOING TO GET YOU THROUGH, BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU NEED TO REST!

 

I felt like I used all my available energy for stressful things in helping my mom get moved from her house of 50 years into an apartment over the summer.  We also had to put her house on the market and get it sold.  It was right after we got her moved in October that I slipped into this month long wave that was unlike anything before.  Just fatigue, never any really good days.

 

I think our brains are just telling us to stay out of stressful situations!

 

Hang in there, HH.  No way forward but through it.  Others who've gone before kindly report that we WILL heal and we have to hang onto that.

 

Love,

FP

[[He...]]

Hi FJ,

That's an interesting theory about reaction to stress. It seems to hold with my pattern throughout this process...my bad waves would almost always fall on the weekend. Or at night.

 

I have internal vibrations, benzo-flu, and loads of fear right now. It amazes me how I can go from feeling great to feeling like this. This has been a tough month with a recurrence of nighttime panic and anxiety. I just want to cry! I am so very tired of this. Yesterday I would have sworn I am almost done, only to get slammed in the middle of the night. What a joke.

 

It must be hard to not know what is from what drug. Hopefully you are just about through with withdrawal from both.  I am so happy you had a great Thanksgiving!! What a blessing!

[[No...]]

Good Afternoon ... got news a bit ago ... biopsy is all normal ... all is fine ... whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ...

 

HH ... I am with you today ... benzo sick ... big time ... was out for three hours this morning ... now, just going to settle in and ride this little tempest out ... take care, my friend ... this too shall pass ...

 

Peace ... yes please, I would love a cookie ... and you are "on track" for a marvelous outcome ... yes, sleep, stress reduction and time ...

 

FJ ... glad you had a pleasant day yesterday ...

 

GMIT ... enjoy your fishing day ... you deserve it ...

 

Everyone else ... have a good Friday ...

 

Michael ...

 

[[He...]]

Good Afternoon ... got news a bit ago ... biopsy is all normal ... all is fine ... whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ...

 

HH ... I am with you today ... benzo sick ... big time ... was out for three hours this morning ... now, just going to settle in and ride this little tempest out ... take care, my friend ... this too shall pass ...

 

Peace ... yes please, I would love a cookie ... and you are "on track" for a marvelous outcome ... yes, sleep, stress reduction and time ...

 

FJ ... glad you had a pleasant day yesterday ...

 

GMIT ... enjoy your fishing day ... you deserve it ...

 

Everyone else ... have a good Friday ...

 

Michael ...

 

 

Michael,

What GREAT news about the biopsy!!! :)

 

This benzo sick is horrid. I even reached out for help on the main board, which I haven't done for ages. I'm so full of fear right now.  I'm so afraid of getting worse. This reentry is a bumpy ride and I want off!

 

Wishing you healing this afternoon.

[[Fi...]]

Nova!  Yay on your biopsy.  That ought to be at least something of a stress reliever.

 

HH--I know your exact feeling where you just can't believe you can feel so horrid so soon after feeling so good.  Been through this over and over.  I don't let it surprise me anymore.

 

If you feel like crying, maybe you should just go ahead and do it.  I posted on the withdrawal link about crying and after the answers I got, I think from now on I'm just going to cry when I feel like it.  I would always dread it because I hated spending time in the pit, just miserable and crying, but eventually I'd break down.  I guess I thought if I didn't cry, I'd be spared the pit, but maybe it doesn't work that way.  The night before Thanksgiving I went up to my newly cleared out "yoga" room thinking maybe a little bit of that would help.  Instead I just sat there and cried hard.  At a certain point I just stopped and after that I felt better.  So from now on if I need to do that, I just will, without a lot of agonizing about it or trying to avoid it.  For so long my husband would be so distressed to see me crying that he'd always plead with me to stop by telling me I was just making myself worse.  I did not need one more suggestion on how I wasn't handling all this properly!  He gets it now, which helps a lot.

 

Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.  Keep posting if staying connected with us helps you!

 

FJ

[[No...]]

HH ... the fear ... all I can do when it is around is just let it be there ... and get on as best I can with whatever I can do in the moment ...

 

Accepting the fear, as I try to do will all the other symptoms, is damn hard to do ... and that may be the only "engagement" that allows it to be present, and not escalating it ...

 

I seems, we don't have to "do" anything with this stuff ... and the more I try, the more stressed out I get ...

 

Sorry, I am just rambling ... too sick feeling to focus straight right now ...

 

Take Care ...

 

[[He...]]

HH ... the fear ... all I can do when it is around is just let it be there ... and get on as best I can with whatever I can do in the moment ...

 

Accepting the fear, as I try to do will all the other symptoms, is damn hard to do ... and that may be the only "engagement" that allows it to be present, and not escalating it ...

 

I seems, we don't have to "do" anything with this stuff ... and the more I try, the more stressed out I get ...

 

Sorry, I am just rambling ... too sick feeling to focus straight right now ...

 

Take Care ...

 

 

I have always loved your "ramblings", they are so full of wisdom and always bring calm to me. I'm trying to practice acceptance, but it's damn hard.

 

Sending you healing thoughts...

[[He...]]

FJ,

Thank you! I will have to try crying. I have never been a crier and, particularly during withdrawal, I have tried not to cry. When I'm in a wave, especially one like I'm in now with lots of fear, it feels like I would never stop if I started. I'll be able to stop, right?

 

My fear tells me that I am getting worse, that I am not healing, that I am going to be lost. But in my mind I also know that these thoughts are just classic wave....benzo lies.  Right now, though, my spirit is worn down.

[[je...]]

Nova-- great news!! I'm so happy for you, and I'm sure you feel a weight has now lifted off your shoulders.

Peace-- I'm so happy you had a great Thanksgiving, it sounds like a wonderful time you had with family and friends.

HH-- so sorry you had a rough night. I had a hard time falling asleep because I could feel the cortisol surging through my body last night, it was horrible.. I hope your day is better today

[[Fi...]]

HH--go ahead and cry.  You will eventually stop, I promise.  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

[[Gr...]]

Hey, Susan, it's great to hear you sounding so good.  A little story for the rest of us to mentally file about how somebody can be so down for awhile and then so much better not that long after.

 

Thanks for noticing my avatar.  Actually, that avatar is me!  Picture taken about a year ago when I was in a window, figuring I was just about well (ha!).  I call it "Happy Dancing Grandma."  Our first grandbaby had just arrived and for the first time in ages, I felt like a winner.  I actually got dressed up and made it to my tribal belly dance class.  I was just three months of Xanax and had no idea how far I still had to go.  Probably a blessing.

 

Now, after a long string of medium days--kind of a different patterned than the rapid up and down I'd been on for months--I had a bad day Monday.  Then, yesterday, the first good one since Nov. 8th.  Bad night and today I'm back to bad again.  Dragged myself over to acupuncture.  My doc says this evening out could be a sign of progress.  I miss having good days, but it's almost worth it to not be in the pits of despair, where I know you were a few days ago.

 

Family coming here for Thanksgiving.  My husband does a mean turkey so no worries on the menu.  My job is always just the pre and post cleaning, something nobody really notices or appreciates unless you don't do it! 

 

This baby of ours brings so much joy to everyone that I'm sure a fine time will be had by all.  :'( But right now, Mr. Benzo has me dreading the whole thing.

 

Hope everyone has a nice holiday, however it unfolds for you.

 

Love,

FJ

 

FJ, I suspected that pic might be of you.  Again, it's lovely, very Victorian looking.

 

That good day/bad day thing, you're right, the patterns have changed, at 12.5 months, I'm still trying to adjust to the new normal. 

 

What kind of symptoms are you getting these days?

[[Gr...]]

HealingHope,

 

Green, you sound so good! I like what you had to say about YOU begin enough.  As someone who struggles with this concept myself, I really appreciated what you wrote.  We really do have much to celebrate this year!

 

Yes, we absolutely do. It's very discouraging for me sometimes. But when I think back to this time last year, it's no contest, there has been an amazing amount of healing.  We just need a good day to appreciate that!

 

Hope you enjoyed your holiday

[[Gr...]]

HH--- still have the blues.. My oldest son woke up sick in the middle of the night, so I have been up since 1 am with him and spent a few hours today at the Dr's so we won't be able to make it to my friends house since he's contagious... Looks like its gonna be a quiet Thanksgiving in our house..

 

Green-- you sound so much better! I'm so glad that chemical depression has let up and you are getting some relief.

 

Sky-- so sorry you got sick too!! I know how frustrating that is.. Can you make some chic noodle soup?? I'm making some right now for my son with tons of garlic in it. It always seems to help my boys feel better. Rest up and keep taking your vit c that will help a lot.

 

How is everyone doing?? Mrs., Nova, Peace??

 

Welcome fj! So glad to have you here

 

Jenny 

 

Jenny, I'm sorry to hear about your son being sick.  As old as mine is, I still worry when he's not feeling well, he's 25 now and wasn't feeling well for the holiday either. 

I didn't sleep the night before Thanksgiving either, and I was so upset because I felt so awful in the morning.  I seemed to get a little better later in the day and was able to cook, I had a very ambitious little holiday menu.

 

Sometimes it's nice to do a holiday with just the hub and kids.  I think that's why I opted to stay home with my boys.  I want to instill in them, and me, lol, a more solid sense of our little family.  Maybe I needed that for myself.  But kids do watch us, they take their cues from how we handle stuff.

 

However we look at it, there's NO comparison to last year.

 

Now we have to get ready for x-mas!

[[Gr...]]

Hi All--

 

Susan, thought of you in particular as I logged a little more time in the pit last night.  But I am better this morning!  Maybe this counts for progress?  Hitting bottom but not staying there very long?

 

After I've really been through the wringer like that (one more time ) I always feel so tentative, though.  It's hard to trust the degree to which I feel like it should go ahead and be Thanksgiving as usual.

 

Hope you all have a good day.

 

Love,

FJ

 

FJ, we all have names for it, the wringer, the pit, I have called it the hole, and some choice other words.  Fact is, as Peace says, it's an inhumane place to be, it's a form of living hell, and I hope it's gone as I write this.

 

Hang in there, things are going to get better soon.  Virtually everyone sees major improvement by 18 months.  This is not forever.

[[Gr...]]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Today is a special day to be thankful to the Good Lord for what we have achieved and have and for hoping that we get better and ultimately heal. I have much to be thankful for -- very much!!! The average time for healing is 14 months in a once conducted study of BB participants. I am not going to write a success story but I just past the 14 month period and I feel very much on my way to recovery. I still have a allot of stresses in my life but I am happy and very productive again. That alone is a blessing -- to be able to get up in the morning and feel excited about life, work and everything. Not something I did for almost over a year.

 

A big thing for me is when I decided to get off the boards for a while ( nothing wrong with being on the boards just not good for me at this point). I had somehow been acting like a victim to this process. I conscientiously made a decision over a month ago that I was no longer a victim and now am a victor. That choice was huge for me.  I knew that there was no way I can reenter the world again if I came across as a victum. There is something empowering about choices and how we think.

 

This process is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. I can say without a doubt that things get much better.  :smitten: It just takes time to heal. I am having wavyness here and ther but all manageble. The big thing for me is that I getting my passion for business back again. There are a couple of things that are disrupting me. Since I am no longer fearful all the time and torn up I am now having a nervous energy that is driving me to eat allot. I have gained 10 lbs in a month and that concerns me. Very little concern in the scope of things.

 

This does not feel like a window . This feels like a baseline improvement. I think I am at 85% to 90%. I am so thankful to God for so much. I am thankful for BB that got me through the hardest time in my life. I can understand why so many people do not get back on the boards when they are fine again. The answer is that we simple do not want to be reminded of a scary past -- best to put it behind us. I go back to provide insight to others. I will write my success story but not yet. I said many of us will write a success story by Christmas and I still believ that! :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

I am thankful for God, my wife, kids, family, my healing, my health, my finances, my brain coming back to me again, my passion coming back, --- I am grateful for the experience I went through as it has humbled me and I have a newfound empathy and understanding for mental health issues and a compassion for others that are struggling. I am a victor and I look back now and realize that this experience has made me a better person and I have no other option but to think that I am the ultimate victor in this process -- that I am a much better person because of it. Was it worth the struggle? I am not sure 100% yet of that but now that I am through the worst I believe that it was a tremendous accomplishment!!!! My love goes to all of you! I know that we will all heal. Please keep the faith. We will get there. Waves try to confuse you and tell you that it will never end. That is a lie!!!! It does end and life will get much much better again

 

Love to all on this most wonderful day!!!!!!

 

life

 

Life, you sound amazing.  I am so happy for you.  Well on the road to that success story.  I understand your decision to leave the forum, I have considered it myself.  We all need to heal however it is we heal.  You're a wonderful person and you've helped me enormously, and for that I thank you.  I cannot wait to read that success story of yours.

[[Gr...]]

Holy smokes, that just sucked. I woke up about 45 mins ago with my heart going a million miles a minute. It felt like it was going to come out of my chest. Total panic attack, I guess.  Burning skin, the works.  Totally out of the blue...out of a dead sleep. This was different than what I described as my "cortisol rushes" that would wake me all the time last year. I hope this was a one-time thing!  It was scary and horrible. I actually have some fear of falling back asleep lest it happens again. Ugh.

 

My day was good until that just happened. I had a couple of tiny bouts of anxiety, but they didn't last long. I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my family and kept inwardly marveling over the difference between this year and last year. Right now I have all the doom and gloom thoughts that go along with getting slammed....but I know they will go away. They always do.

 

Ok, it's 2:45am and I'm going to try to get back to sleep. I hope you are all sleeping soundly!

HH

 

It's 3:30 now and no luck on going to sleep. Now I'm back to my old cortisol rushes...every time I doze I'm jolted awake. Rough night!

 

HH, I'm so sorry, that happened (the above)  it absolutely sucks!!  You've been hit hard with this stuff post one year.  And you're really amazing, you get up, get to work, you don't let it take your life away.  that scary middle of the night $hit is awful, I hate it because I feel so isolated and lonely dealing with it myself while everybody sleeps.  I handled it last year, but I'm having trouble accepting it this year.  It will pass, though, it always does.

[[Gr...]]

HH ... yep, that is a "rough night" ... and you are right ... the doom and gloom stuff always goes away ...

 

I have been up since 1:30, getting lots of "practice" in working with the health fear stuff again ... managing to stay out of the whirlpool place ...

 

Staying slow, and moving with this stuff ... hoping you managed to get back to sleep ...

 

Going out in a bit and try to walk some of this energy off ...

 

Hope everyone has a quiet Friday ...

 

 

Hi Michael

 

I've got that eyes wide open thing until 6-7 a.m. going on alternate nights.  How much do you think lack of sleep is responsible for our symptoms?  Or is it something going on in the brain that affects sleep along with everything else?  Boy, when it comes to withdrawal, it's like pondering the mysteries of life.  I'm never completely satisfied with the answers.

[[Gr...]]

I had a really wonderful Thanksgiving. I was not in an effortless mind place, but close enough. The holiday was orchestrated to be just what we needed - a gathering for ten at our place, my family, my sister and five dear friends. No drama, no travel, delicious food and great company. And we are getting the idea that bowing out of big family gatherings that happen in faraway states might be best for our family- not just during recovery but always. So thankful for listening to our needs, seeing each other and creating a wonderful celebration. No stress.

 

In other news, I went to the integrative psych and he said many things about myself and mental health. He said always in my life sleep and stress will be the deal breaker. This has been true forever and ever. My last baby threw me way off. He said the second year of recovery will be easier than the first. He said to stay off medications but did give me a few recommendations for supplements to calm things down. I will tread lightly there. Sleep, stress reduction and time was the real prescription.

 

Looking forward to today, cookie making with my boys and sister.

 

Peace, you are sounding better and better.  I hear you healing in leaps and bounds.  And I love your doctors. Where do you get these ppl?  I took his advice to heart, sleep and stress.  And if I don't learn to deal with that, I'll be on a $hitload of prescription medications for the rest of my life. 

 

Sounds like a wonderful holiday.  Yes, we need to learn to deal with stress, or all of this was for nothing.  All of this crazy suffering, if we don't learn to de-stress, we're back where we started.  that's the most important reentry lesson for me.

 

Good stuff, Peace.  Out of great suffering comes great -- what? --  learning, growth, change?  All of that.

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi FJ,

That's an interesting theory about reaction to stress. It seems to hold with my pattern throughout this process...my bad waves would almost always fall on the weekend. Or at night.

 

I have internal vibrations, benzo-flu, and loads of fear right now. It amazes me how I can go from feeling great to feeling like this. This has been a tough month with a recurrence of nighttime panic and anxiety. I just want to cry! I am so very tired of this. Yesterday I would have sworn I am almost done, only to get slammed in the middle of the night. What a joke.

 

It must be hard to not know what is from what drug. Hopefully you are just about through with withdrawal from both.  I am so happy you had a great Thanksgiving!! What a blessing!

 

HH, I have the internal vibrations.  I HATE them.  I get them at night as soon as I get into bed.  They're so awful for me I'm sitting up until 4 a.m. watching Downton Abbey.  They're also the reason I still sleep with the light on all night.  They're an awful sx for me.

 

HH, hang on.  You've been through so much.  Hang on, remember, these bad waves, they do bring more healing, way improved baseline.  They really do.  The last bad wave I had, I'm not in a window, I'm kind of limpy gimpy with body pain, but my mental state is so improved, I can feel my brain getting better.  And remember that the fear is not you, it's a mental symptom, it really is, it's like some cult has taken over your brain.  This is not you.    I know, I was just where you are, the fear, the crazy-making fear. 

 

Try to re-claim some of your holiday weekend, maybe take a walk, try to meditate a little.  Although I know from experience, it's almost impossible to do anything until it passes. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Good Afternoon ... got news a bit ago ... biopsy is all normal ... all is fine ... whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ...

 

HH ... I am with you today ... benzo sick ... big time ... was out for three hours this morning ... now, just going to settle in and ride this little tempest out ... take care, my friend ... this too shall pass ...

 

Peace ... yes please, I would love a cookie ... and you are "on track" for a marvelous outcome ... yes, sleep, stress reduction and time ...

 

FJ ... glad you had a pleasant day yesterday ...

 

GMIT ... enjoy your fishing day ... you deserve it ...

 

Everyone else ... have a good Friday ...

 

Michael ...

 

 

Michael,

What GREAT news about the biopsy!!! :)

 

This benzo sick is horrid. I even reached out for help on the main board, which I haven't done for ages. I'm so full of fear right now.  I'm so afraid of getting worse. This reentry is a bumpy ride and I want off!

 

Wishing you healing this afternoon.

 

Michael,

 

Great news!  I knew it would be okay, but, still, always love to hear it from the professionals!

 

And I'm sorry you're having such a tough day today.  Feel better.

[[Gr...]]

Nova!  Yay on your biopsy.  That ought to be at least something of a stress reliever.

 

HH--I know your exact feeling where you just can't believe you can feel so horrid so soon after feeling so good.  Been through this over and over.  I don't let it surprise me anymore.

 

If you feel like crying, maybe you should just go ahead and do it.  I posted on the withdrawal link about crying and after the answers I got, I think from now on I'm just going to cry when I feel like it.  I would always dread it because I hated spending time in the pit, just miserable and crying, but eventually I'd break down.  I guess I thought if I didn't cry, I'd be spared the pit, but maybe it doesn't work that way.  The night before Thanksgiving I went up to my newly cleared out "yoga" room thinking maybe a little bit of that would help.  Instead I just sat there and cried hard.  At a certain point I just stopped and after that I felt better.  So from now on if I need to do that, I just will, without a lot of agonizing about it or trying to avoid it.  For so long my husband would be so distressed to see me crying that he'd always plead with me to stop by telling me I was just making myself worse.  I did not need one more suggestion on how I wasn't handling all this properly!  He gets it now, which helps a lot.

 

Hope you are feeling better by the time you read this.  Keep posting if staying connected with us helps you!

 

FJ

 

FJ, crying has been the best thing for me in withdrawal.  It's also been a signal that my waves have "maxxed out," that I've had it, and that it's ending, breaking soon. 

[[He...]]

Green,

You are such a source of support!  Thank you!  I'm glad that your mega-wave has left....hopefully it will NOT return.  I think that these post-year waves are so brutal because we are just plum worn out.  I know that for me I feel GOOD when I'm not in a wave, and the switch from good to wave is devastating and scary.  I get so afraid that this it it, the best I will be....yet, I know that is not true.  I have to remind myself that the 14 month mark was average...which doesn't mean the majority, it means half.  I also have to remind myself that I'm not even out of the 6-18 month time frame that I read about earlier.  And then I continue to remind myself that many, MANY BBs who are healed report they healed in the 18-24 time frame.  And finally I remind myself that the doctor in Canada talked about how unfortunate it was that the woman he wrote about reinstated before hitting 2 years because he knew she would have been healed by that time...and later she went on to do just that. 

 

You are right.  It is NOT me.  thank you my friend! 

[[He...]]

FJ,

I had a good cry, and I WAS able to stop.    I cried on my husband and then I went into the shower and cried some more.  I think I'm starting to feel better...much less frantic, less fearful, less depressed. 

Hopefully this wave will only be a 12 hour one!

Thank you for the advice. 

[[Fi...]]

Green--glad to read all your posts.  I was about ready to post asking what was up with you!

 

I like your idea that crying is a signal you're about to feel better.  I'm afraid I've always just associated it with time in the pit and descending into the darkness of those blackest of thoughts.

 

I'm actually feel pretty good today so far.  My only current symptom is this weird, nervy pain in the backs of my thighs.  This was my very first symptom when I started going off Oxycodone and I wonder if it's going to be the last to leave.  I've never heard anybody else describe quite this same thing.  I would associate it completely with the opioids except that it seemed like it had gone away after 8 months off Oxy and then came back big time when I went off the Xanax.

 

I'm not feeling fatigued and actually have a little bit of energy and optimism.  For me, noticing what I'm thinking has always been the barometer of how I'm doing.  When I'm in a window, I start thinking about what I might DO as opposed to be so everlovin' preoccupied with how I'm FEELING.  Some people would hear that and think that the answer to my problem was simply to start doing stuff.  Huh uh.  That's not how it works.  When my brain feels some healing, then I WANT to do those things.  I can't make my brain heal by DOING the things.  It has taken a long time for me to get to this point of acceptance, where I just refuse to try to do anything I don't feel like doing.  I can't exercise my way out of this, for example.  I just go for whatever makes my brain feel calm and distracted.

 

Hey, checking on people on the board has worked for me this way! 

[[Fi...]]

HH--yay for crying!  I wonder if those of us with caring men close at hand actually avoid crying because we know it upsets them.  Men take the crying of a woman as a sign that they aren't doing their job and are being blamed.  They feel accused.  Glad yours let you cry on his shoulder.  He will feel better about it when he sees how much better  you end up feeling.