12-18 month support

[[mr...]]

Hi Jenny,

 

When panic "threatens" so to speak, I often "surrender" or sorta say "c'mon over for a visit". You know? Unpleasant, for sure. But it will pass.

 

Its much later than your original post - are you feeling better yet? I sure hope so

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Hi Mrs,

Yes, I'm feeling much better. I took a bath and did a short meditation and seemed to have calmed down some. I wanted to take a walk like HH suggested, but I was too scared? Crazy stuff... Scared of a walk? Just saying it out loud sounds ridiculous. Anyhow, I don't know why my panic was so bad today I just had these looping, fearful thoughts and they weren't backing down. I'm praying its gone for good. Thanks again Mrs, jenny 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... just got back from another trip ... 36 hours or so in "Symptom Land" ... all expenses paid ... saw most of the sights ... 

 

When things get this "engaged" for me I need to pause as much "input/output" as I can and just "Be" where I am ...

 

This has become a "routine" for me of late ... and being aware and confident now that "I am safe" seems to give me the "permission" I needed to just "let it be" ...

 

And ... it would be so much more supportive to have a "local community" to be connected to while going through these processes ... alas, around this area that is not to be ... so I work "alone" ...

 

When I can, I try to stay connected to BB ... and when I need to release that connection for a while you all know "where I am" ... and that is precious to me ...

 

For me, this has been a long, long wave since last Fall ... a few breaks here and there ... and still very "engaged" ... and we all, in our own unique ways get through this stuff ... that is the wonder of this process ... there is a beginning, lots of in the middle, and a completion to this process ... we have found what we need to do, are doing it, and coming out the other side ...

 

It is so very special to be connected to all of you here on BB ... your stories and encouragement nourish me ...

 

Bless us all ... 

[[Sk...]]

Here's an article my sister sent me about TBI. I find lots of similarities in our symptoms.

 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6800984

 

Love,

Peace 2

 

Peace, great article, really helpful. It explains why I feel so sick when I go to shopping malls. Thanks for sharing.

 

Today, this is not a wave, it's a tsunami size wave. WIll try to write later, don't know how I will manage my lessons later, they are with the webcam too.

 

WIsh me well, I just want to curl up on the couch. Hugs, have  a better day. So glad to hear Coop is having a nice day.

[[Fr...]]

Coop,

 

I'm so happy for you and hope the window stays open forever for you.

 

I have been in a wave since last Tuesday that ebbs and flows but is not nice.  I felt ok last night and now sick again today. I lost my old pattern of one good day, one bad and am really struggling.  I used to rely on those good days to get out of the house with the hubby, now I'm homebound and bedbound and really suffering.

 

I seem to be getting worse and am really scared.  I felt wonderful last Monday from 11 AM to about 5 PM, then got wavy, then ok again till about 5 AM the next morning.  Sick ever since.  This is the longest wave I've had in this 12 1/2 months of wd.

 

Any words of advice for me, or words of hope or other good stories.

 

Back to bed for me.  I don't even know how to distract anymore.

 

Love to you all,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Lisa ... we are all wonderfully unique ... and it is so hard to be pulled back and forth between feeling really good and feeling really lousy ... and this to and fro stuff can be scary ... we wonder what the hell is happening ... how can this be ...

 

And ... it seems it is the nature of the process ... I don't have a better response than that ... and we always pull through whatever is happening just now ... and we will get completely better ... and we wish that was happening right now ...

 

All the folks coming before us have spoken about this wanting to be better now ... and eventually that became true for everyone ... we just have to be where we are right now for a while longer ...

 

This "teasing" of feeling better is very hard for me to cope with ... and all I can do is accept that it is part of this process ... 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Nova for your kind words.  This is so hard.  Just feeling crappy and needing faith the this will one day subside.

 

I can't even think ahead because it freaks me out to think of what I must still endure.  I sure miss my good days for errands and even lifting some light free weights in my house to keep some arm strength.  I only walk the halls inside my house now and barely do that even.  It's too cold outside for my body.

 

I'd be happy for any kind of easing up of things.  My husband helps keep me going.  My therapist keeps telling me that everyone heals but I don't believe her at times anymore.  It's hard to maintain that resolve when in so much pain.

 

Thank you and I hope you feel better soon too.  You are such a source of kindness and hope.

 

Lisa 

[[No...]]

Lisa ... today I am going outside for short periods ... bright sunshine and no north wind ... can't go for walks yet because the sidewalks are caked with ice ... so I just stroll around the parking lot, finally ice free ... listen to the birds who seem happy just for today's sunshine ...

 

As Saint Francis reminds us ... the birds are content with today ... do what you can ... be where you are ... and things are progressing ... 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Sunday, Mar. 8

 

There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.

 

St. Paul

 

I Corinthians 13:7

 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks for that Nova.

 

Did you see Hopeful One's post that her sleep is improving?  She'd had it rough and is getting a bit better.

[[Sk...]]

Lisa, sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

 

I understand your discomfort, it is hard to believe that things will get better when they have been going on for such a long time.  I know we are healing, but I also feel some doubt deep down inside. But the  doubt has to be ignored if we ever want to get better, according to me.

 

Check that article tHat PEace posted in TBI. Much of what is there, applies to us too. Especially how the world reacts to us. You are lucky your husband is so supportive.

 

I am having a bad day myself. When things are bad, i usually go out, that helps ignore the suffering, but today, for the  first time, it made things worse,so bad I had to get back.

 

THis day, this wave will pass too though. I am holding my teddy bear tight and hoping this day brings some breaks.

 

Lisa, take care.

[[No...]]

Sky ... hung 'em tight ...

 

When I went out today I felt like I was getting too much oxygen ... got dizzy a bit ... so just stood there and listened to the birds ... second time I went out everything started to ache ... so I stood there and let the sun be on me ... in a little while I will try for the third time lucky thing ... who knows ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Michael, today is really bad. I don't know how I am going to "fake" the next lesson I have. I feel so bad, and I have these odd pains. I tried to nap, hoped for a break, but it was actually worse, my pain, it was my Dr, I could feel my pain like a drop of water falling incessantly in my brain. That is exactly how I felt it.

 

And I dreamt  mr Sky got lost in the amazons, but that is ok, compared to the nightmares I had a year ago, this is great !

 

Well, this will get better. Just have to be patient, very patient. Ironic, I have never been patient with myself.

[[No...]]

Sky ... you have used extraordinary patience with yourself over the course of this process ... we all have ... we always find our way through today's stuff ...

 

Be Well ...

[[fi...]]

Happy Sunday my friends! It's been a beautiful day up here in Michigan. I've been cooking, reading, and now typing. Gonna meditate in a little bit today and try and clear my head. Friday at work was the worst work day I have ever experienced. I ended up fainting in the back room which I have never experienced before. I went to the doctor that night (my gal brought me) and they say that the stress got to me. I'm in a terrible wave right now. Anxiety and panic attacks all day yesterday and today. But i'm just trying to get through it. The panic is the worst it has been since they pulled me off the meds cold turkey. I'm scared. As we all are.

 

Praying for you all!

 

Film

[[No...]]

Film ... being scared goes with this process ... and we just get through this stuff ... we are resilient ... we do heal ...

 

You sound "okay" ... just not well ... and that is a helpful thing to recognize ... we are, deep down, okay in ourselves ... we just have a hard, hard process to recover from ... and day to day, we do the best we can ...

 

[[mr...]]

I'm so very proud of you, film. To stand firmly against the anxiety & panic, and not let it be the "boss" of you, is an awesome thing, IMO. Way to be, buddy. You are doing this, and doing it well. Do you take anything, regarding supplements and such to help a bit? I take magnesium glycinate and vitamin C throughout the day, and have found both quite helpful (for anxiety & panic). I have also found chamomile tea very helpful to help bring me "back to baseline" from anxiety or panic. I've also used inositol to help anxiety in the past. I have also used a beta blocker, propranolol, to help settle the physical aspects of anxiety (heartrate, tremors, etc). All these things have been helpful to me, but that's just me personally film. Of course, you do what you feel is best for you, okay? Are you feeling a bit better today? I am hoping so. Know that it will pass soon Just keep doing what you can to keep calm and balanced with self care - you can't control all aspects of this of course, but just keep doing your best with what you can and you will get through this! Love to you, and keep posting when you need to! its a great group of people here

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

Nova, can I just say?

 

Thank you You always have a kind, steadying word to say for someone who is hurting. It is frequent that I read your posts, walking away thinking, "wow, yup, that was the PERFECT thing to say..." My hubby is the only other person I know that has a gift with words like that, and I cherish his wisdom Anyways, you are a gift to this thread I hope your Sunday is going well!

 

Mrs.

[[Wo...]]

Hey do any of you post-12 monthers still have a problem with blood pressure? I'm really wondering if this could just be the normal me without benzos. Getting bummed at the thought of having to take meds for this. I'm 37, thin, eat healthy, exercise, don't smoke, or drink. BP is consistently over 140/90. 

[[pe...]]

Oh Buddies,

I've been managing and making it through some very stressful days. I've apparently hit a wall and just feel buzzy, unwell, unable to budge from my bed. I don't feel particularly anything, just very off, heavy and exhausted. Dear me. Do any of you know of any buddies or posts about making it through this part? I need some inspiration to slog through this muck.  So thankful that it's not acute and still sooo tired.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Well, 12-18 buddies....a lot of wavy stuff going on here...Some day we are going to open up this thread and read that all of us are posting success stories.  Until then ...thank god for all of yo

..I have been all over the map this weekend...I would give up if I could. Last week was 7 days of rip tides. Yesterday was 100% effortless mind and happiness.. today back to the rip tides ....so depressing. and I feel quilt complaining because I had such a wonderful day and I know some of us go months without bright windows...and still stay hopeful and positive . Today I felt like I was back in the Benzo flu...dizzy. some nausea...thick d/r.. black depression and no concentration. It lessened a little towards evening...I could cry ....

......NOVA ( MICHAEL) ....I have nothing encouraging to say. You are one of the nicest kindest people on the planet.. you don't deserve this ( none of us do)  I have a new idea to hand out to crimminals...instead of death penalties we should hand out life long w/d  to the worst of the worst. Nova, I lurked around on some of the boards this afternoon and dizziness abounds on all of them...Are waves contagious?..I am wishing you some improvement friend, this has been a looong wave for you...

.......Sorry to see that you are in the soup today too.  There just has to be a window coming for all of us. You never seem to waver in your strong conviction that this is w/d and will end. I am borrowing from you today ....I have read several posts over the months of people feeling the dripping or running of cold water in thier brain...I can't imagine how freaky that must be. ...I hope this is a momentary sx and let's up...You also have been through so much Sky....I am wishing you another 'good' day tomorrow...love to you Sky...coop

........FILM, Wow...how scary is that.. I am glad you went to the doctor...and glad to know that it is w/d stress rather than

any of the things we all imagine when we are in the throes of physical sx and health fears. I hope you can get some rest , the aftermath of that must have left you exhausted....Do you have a few go to strategies for stress? .  ..

........JENNY....Man, I know how awful the constant anxiety is after having days of no anxiety. It triggers all of my benzo fears of never healing . Is it letting up at all?...This has gone on so much longer than any of us thought it would. I had some anxiety before benzos, but it was in no way anything resembling the anxiety I have had in tolerance, taper and w/d. The whole tone and context of w/d anxiety is wild compared to the kind of 'high strung' anxiety that I would have sometimes in my real life. I am really trying to believe that the next 6 months will be the end of this for me.  You have come such a long way Jenny.  You are getting close...save us all a place.

.......LISA... everything you said....I am right there with you...just sick of the whole damn thing...At 65 I just don't want to be fooling around for 2 years waiting for w/d to be over. There is so much I want to be doing..and could be doing if not for w/d..  it's hard not to be stinkin' mad knowing that I am not getting these 2 years back.. I am with ya ...coop

.......PEACE...Boy, do I hear ya. There must be a collective wave of exhaustion and benzo flu ...it's on all the boards  right now...at least we are one week closer.. but I feel like I have 6000 miles to go.  I just hate it that wonderful people like everyone here get so damaged by these horrible drugs...feel better MightyGirl.  ...coop

......HH....bless your heart , you sound like you are weathering a really stressful situation without going back into acute sx.. what a great indication of healing.  I love your attitude of " can't rebuild without tearing down'...I hope you find a house that you love. ...coop

.....well....I know I have missed some of the posts from yesterday.. I am thinking of everyone....love you all...I couldnt do this without you....coop

 

[[be...]]

Coop,

 

I'm so happy for you and hope the window stays open forever for you.

 

I have been in a wave since last Tuesday that ebbs and flows but is not nice.  I felt ok last night and now sick again today. I lost my old pattern of one good day, one bad and am really struggling.  I used to rely on those good days to get out of the house with the hubby, now I'm homebound and bedbound and really suffering.

 

I seem to be getting worse and am really scared.  I felt wonderful last Monday from 11 AM to about 5 PM, then got wavy, then ok again till about 5 AM the next morning.  Sick ever since.  This is the longest wave I've had in this 12 1/2 months of wd.

 

Any words of advice for me, or words of hope or other good stories.

 

Back to bed for me.  I don't even know how to distract anymore.

 

Love to you all,

Lisa

 

Lisa, sorry you are having it so rough. I had to come on here to let you know month twelve and thirteen were very very hard for me, especially 12.  I thought I would turn the corner for the better but it was right up there with acute and I felt like I was going backwards. By month 14 things started to settle down and I felt better.  Then month 17, here we go again...it was awful. Then last month...whew over the top. I'm two weeks into month 20 and it came in like a lamb so far.

I turned a healing corner, something has changed and I can't put my finger on it. I think the nerve pain  doesn't beat my brain up anymore. It's hard to explain but it feels like I now have the nerve pain without a wave sometimes and it doesn't devour my whole body and brain with all of those ugly thoughts that the benzo beast does so well.

You have every right to doubt the healing process...we all do....look at all of the suffering and the length of time to recover. What it boils down to is....it is withdrawal. It's painful, fearful and downright ugly. I sometimes wish it were in human form standing in front of me so that I could show it how I really feel :tickedoff: :tickedoff:

While I know I'm healing because I can feel it, it's still hard, but overall I'm feeling better Lisa.

The only way I know how to deal with this is just keep on living as best you can and let time pass.

I hate that so many people have to suffer through this long process and feel like their is no end to it.

As bad as you feel please keep telling yourself that you have hit a rough patch and it will ease and in time go away. It's very hard to stay positive but I think it helps the brain with whatever drip of a positive attitude we can give it. Hang in there Lisa and know that you will heal.

[[Co...]]

Beulah, I know your post was addressed to Lisa, but it was so helpful to me too. I am exactly where Lisa is. At the end of month 15 I was feeling just as you describe..  still with some sx but really feeling the healing.  Now.. one of the worst waves since month 6.  also one of the best effortless mind days ...that disappeared after 12 hours and here I am back in the worst wave since month 6.

    I would really like to give up (  but I don't know what ' giving up' would be.  the choice is to reinstate or keep it going  and reinstating is not an option .  so onward ). ..

.  Thank you Beulah.  Your words have meant a lot to me.  coop

[[be...]]

Beulah, I know your post was addressed to Lisa, but it was so helpful to me too. I am exactly where Lisa is. At the end of month 15 I was feeling just as you describe..  still with some sx but really feeling the healing.  Now.. one of the worst waves since month 6.  also one of the best effortless mind days ...that disappeared after 12 hours and here I am back in the worst wave since month 6.

    I would really like to give up (  but I don't know what ' giving up' would be.  the choice is to reinstate or keep it going  and reinstating is not an option .  so onward ). ..

.  Thank you Beulah.  Your words have meant a lot to me.  coop

 

Coop, you are very welcome. I still have a hard time putting my thoughts into words and afraid sometimes I'm not making any sense.

This struggle is real and many times I've said I'm giving up, giving up to what....I don't know.

If there was a wave buster wand I would give a million dollars for one.

Be well and onward we go.

 

[[dr...]]

Hi all...I had a very bad day. Migraine started last night and I woke with it today.  I took a tryptan and the headache broke around noon. The whole weekend I was basically in bed.  I went to see my gf perform tonight and my health anxiety was so bad I left the theater. I am so over this and at my wits end.  I tried learning cbt methods on my own but in a wave it's not working.  I now have an appt with a psychologist who I've used before in crisis mode via phone. We are now going to embark n weekly cbt sessions for my health anxiety.  My insurance won't cover but I can't worry about that. I need relief and it was a pre existing condition.  It was never like this but if my house is to be solid the foundation can use all the help it can get. 

I felt very defeated, scared, and alone with my brain broken tonight.  Home now feeling better