12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Thanks, Greenice.  So far today I'm better.  Flu-like back pains have subsided and I'm dressed!  Not in anything I'd wear outside of the house, but at least it's a step up from yesterday's PJs.  For a person like me who used to maintain the most elaborate To Do lists and calendars, this way of planless living has truly been an adventure in acceptance.

 

 

FJ, who I used to be and who I am now makes me laugh out loud!  And it's still evolving!  BTW, that is an amazing avatar pic.  I really like it. 

[[Gr...]]

How this?

Ringing the bell again and I know you fine people have your own voices to answer to.

 

But how? I am exhausted and devastated day after day and I know I'm trapped in this until I'm not. I have been trapped for a long time. I don't want to anymore. i just don't feel like I can. And this is how it is to approach one year 'free'? I feel anything but free. And it will get better? Man, I need to see it in neon lights and hear it from every 'expert'. I just need to know this endless journey has an end.

 

Tomorrow I go to my pdoc to check in. I contacted him in an excruciating wave of depression and it has passed. But I'll go. Is there anything he can do to help me? Is there anything I should ask? He can't take away my symptoms - how odd since that's what he does. Unless he can't because it really is benzo withdrawal. So, what can he do? I'm afraid the answer is nothing.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, a lot happens between now and Jan 13, your jump date.  Wd months are dog months.  Things can turn around dramatically in 48 hours.  I hope this happens for you, I hope you get good advice, and if not rely on your own inner voice, which is still there, even in waves.

[[Gr...]]

Susan ... I have to keep reminding myself ... so much of this is in how we "frame it" ... and trying to remember the "frames" we used yesterday ...

 

And ... "resentfulness" is another benzo lie ... and so is "backsliding" ... and so is "rescue dose" ... and every time I argue with a lie I lose ... it feels just like the lie is handing me a shovel so I can dig the hole deeper for myself ... and sometimes I do ...

 

Good to hear things are settled down for you ...

 

Michael

 

Thanks, Michael.  I felt so good I made the mistake of trying to "jog a little" in my walk, and now I'm dragging my leg behind me in a very gimpy fashion.  But the wave is gone, I have my senses, I'm not in benzo chemical depression, and for that I am profoundly grateful.  I'm hoping it holds until Thursday night. Thanks for thinking of me.  Hope you're doing well.  You're in that 14th month now.

[[Gr...]]

Hi 12-18 month buds ..I just posted a big long post over on the 6-12 month group. I just dropped off for a while . I became completely disgusted with the whole mess and refused to acknowledge benzo w/d in any way. Well we all know how well that approach works. I have had a few weeks of up and down and all around. Someone has to stop re- setting this crazy ride. I have been following the posts, but don't have a hope of replying to each. So I just need to jump in and start from right here. ..

.....Seems like everyone is having the same pattern of better/ worse better/worse..cycling through the day or week or hour.

...Sky ,I am so glad to hear that the magnesium is helping you, many people say that it does help them...

  ..Nova ..4am...that's an ungodly hour. I know because after some nights of very good sleep, 430 came calling..hopeless to try to go back to sleep. I just get up make tea and watch a movie..You sound good ..and ever our needed Sage..

.....Green...yes fatigue that feels like I turned into jelly..but beginning to get better.

. .....Mrs ..I borrow from your positivity every day..you are such a light for us.

.........

Yes..quiet no stressful people allowed Christmas for me too. .

...Going to bed now and hope I don't get up to inches of snow tomorrow..my dog balks and drags his paws and hates to go out...and then after we are out for 2 minutes he is rolling in it and trying to eat it and doing his happy dance. A lot of drama for early morning

....will post on again tomorrow and try to catch up with everyone.  Love to all of you...and wishing you peaceful sleel....coop

 

Coop, my buddy.  I am so happy to hear from you.  I thought you might be in the endless window, I also thought you might have taken some time off. Even through the ups and downs, I can hear healing in your post, you sound good.  Love to you, too, and wishing you a very happy Thanksgiving.

[[Gr...]]

The mental wave has released its grip, I have my mind, yay.  Body still hurts plenty, but not so bad it's affecting my mood. 

 

I'm thinking this time last year I was in acute.  I had lost 40 pounds.  My hair was frizzled like a wire haired terrier.  My eyes were wild, I didn't recognize myself in the mirror.  I had forgotten my whole life, having lived, really, except for some intrusive picture postcard memories. And if I had presented to an ER, I would have been admitted to a psych ward, and from there possibly "chemically committed" for the rest of my life.

 

That didn't happen.  I found benzobuddies.  It's been a brutally challenging year.  But as I said to Peace, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  So I am profoundly grateful for where I am today.  I'm having dinner with my two sons, at home.  I confess to a "precooked" turkey ( I know my limitations, no nasty raw bird for me!)  But I'm making some fancy sides.  I weighed my options, and this is where I want to be. 

 

I never used to think I was enough, I thought I needed to be more, that I needed external things to fill in the gap, which may be one of the myriad of complicated reasons I ended up on Xanax.  But I have been through such agony, such suffering, as have all of you, and I will not look outside myself anymore.  And so I'm very happy this Thanksgiving just to feel better, just to feel, and I'm so grateful that I am enough.

 

Have a wonderful holiday, everyone.

 

Love, Susan

:smitten:

[[Sk...]]

Quick update. After a small one day break, today I am hit with the cold mr SKy got a couple of days ago.

I might as well have been hit by a truck, that's how bad I feel.

 

Send some nice thoughts my way, or suggestions. I took some aspirin. Have a great Thanksgiving, never has there been more reason to give thanks than this year, right ?

 

Heal on folks.

[[Fi...]]

Hey, Susan, it's great to hear you sounding so good.  A little story for the rest of us to mentally file about how somebody can be so down for awhile and then so much better not that long after.

 

Thanks for noticing my avatar.  Actually, that avatar is me!  Picture taken about a year ago when I was in a window, figuring I was just about well (ha!).  I call it "Happy Dancing Grandma."  Our first grandbaby had just arrived and for the first time in ages, I felt like a winner.  I actually got dressed up and made it to my tribal belly dance class.  I was just three months of Xanax and had no idea how far I still had to go.  Probably a blessing.

 

Now, after a long string of medium days--kind of a different patterned than the rapid up and down I'd been on for months--I had a bad day Monday.  Then, yesterday, the first good one since Nov. 8th.  Bad night and today I'm back to bad again.  Dragged myself over to acupuncture.  My doc says this evening out could be a sign of progress.  I miss having good days, but it's almost worth it to not be in the pits of despair, where I know you were a few days ago.

 

Family coming here for Thanksgiving.  My husband does a mean turkey so no worries on the menu.  My job is always just the pre and post cleaning, something nobody really notices or appreciates unless you don't do it! 

 

This baby of ours brings so much joy to everyone that I'm sure a fine time will be had by all.  :'( But right now, Mr. Benzo has me dreading the whole thing.

 

Hope everyone has a nice holiday, however it unfolds for you.

 

Love,

FJ

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone! 'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the house...   After a short bout of depression this morning, I am feeling quite festive this afternoon.  I have some eggnog (non-alcoholic) in my coffee (decaf) , pumpkin pies in the oven, and Christmas music on the stereo.  I am determined to enjoy this Thanksgiving and so far so good.  I hope this feeling dominates the season this year!  MUCH better than the dread, fear, depression, and anxiety of last year!!  I am really starting to feel some significant hope that this is ending soon.  It may be some months before it's done, but I can tell that it will be over at some point.  Ahhhh....the perspective of a window! Can that stick around? It would go a long way to helping deal with waves!!

 

Coop, it was so good to hear from you!!  Did you wake up to the snow?  Doesn't this process get so discouraging?  We have come such a long way and we WILL get through this.  Nobody left behind. 

 

Nova, how wonderful that you had a good night sleep!  I hope that your pattern of not getting slammed in the early evening holds and you have a peaceful night tonight. 

 

FJ, that is a BEAUTIFUL picture!!  I'm sorry that you are feeling rough today, but how wonderful that you went into town!  That is a HUGE sign of progress and it will happen again. 

 

Jenny, how are your Thanksgiving blues doing today?

 

Sky, I hope that cold leaves you quickly.  Are you able to take vitamin C?  I like taking Emergen-C, often 2 or 3 packets a day...especially when I have a cold. 

 

Peace, you are so very strong.  You made it through the parent/teacher conferences, you have made it through the beginning of the school year at your new job, you have persevered when you didn't even think you could hold out through the end of September!  You are sounding better and better to me.  I know that it can still really suck, but you ARE healing!

 

Green, you sound so good! I like what you had to say about YOU begin enough.  As someone who struggles with this concept myself, I really appreciated what you wrote.  We really do have much to celebrate this year! 

 

Mrs, how are you doing today?

 

Wishing you all a peaceful evening! I am so grateful for our band of warriors!

HH 

[[je...]]

HH--- still have the blues.. My oldest son woke up sick in the middle of the night, so I have been up since 1 am with him and spent a few hours today at the Dr's so we won't be able to make it to my friends house since he's contagious... Looks like its gonna be a quiet Thanksgiving in our house..

 

Green-- you sound so much better! I'm so glad that chemical depression has let up and you are getting some relief.

 

Sky-- so sorry you got sick too!! I know how frustrating that is.. Can you make some chic noodle soup?? I'm making some right now for my son with tons of garlic in it. It always seems to help my boys feel better. Rest up and keep taking your vit c that will help a lot.

 

How is everyone doing?? Mrs., Nova, Peace??

 

Welcome fj! So glad to have you here

 

Jenny 

[[mr...]]

Hey gang,

 

Just poking in to say hello, and Happy Thanksgiving to you all! Thank you for asking about me; I am doing alright! Just finishing negotiating my way through some menstrual hormonal symptoms; don't know if I can really call it a "wave" as it is common for an uptick in symptoms at this time of month The past few days were a bit bluesy alongside some of the ole "fear" and "you-can't-do-this-isms", and a revisit of the "imminent you-know-what" feelings trying to attach itself to things and/or activities. Ridiculous. I'm to the point where I'm like -- COME AND GET IT I don't want bad things to happen of course, and I ain't asking for an invitation for trouble, but I'm just desiring to stop "running" and "avoiding". Lord will help me with this, and I'm moving on.

 

Anyways, 'nuff of that I want to be sure to let y'all know that me and Mr are heading to a little cabin for Thanksgiving, to spend with my inlaws and my hubby's sister's family Its a little tradition we started three years ago, and we LOVE it! Nice and private, with no schedule to be accountable to -- AND lots of walking and hiking to burn off any extra calories! Hooray

 

HealingHope, you mention having "good" feelings for the holidays for you -- I am so happy for you! And you spread hope for those "good" feelings to return again soon, in abundance and forever

 

Jenny, thinking of you girl Any big plans tomorrow?

 

Coop, Nova, FJ, and all y'all (my apologies for forgetting names at the moment)...love to you all.

 

If I don't respond in the next 48-72 hours, no need to worry It might be low cell service, and I may or may not be able to sign on at the cabin Until later, take care

 

Mrs.

[[be...]]

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

 

I know holidays can be hard on us with the pressure of wanting to feel normal and symptom free.

Be kind to yourself and remember " This to shall pass".

 

Hugs.

[[Fi...]]

Hi All--

 

Susan, thought of you in particular as I logged a little more time in the pit last night.  But I am better this morning!  Maybe this counts for progress?  Hitting bottom but not staying there very long?

 

After I've really been through the wringer like that (one more time ) I always feel so tentative, though.  It's hard to trust the degree to which I feel like it should go ahead and be Thanksgiving as usual.

 

Hope you all have a good day.

 

Love,

FJ

[[li...]]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Today is a special day to be thankful to the Good Lord for what we have achieved and have and for hoping that we get better and ultimately heal. I have much to be thankful for -- very much!!! The average time for healing is 14 months in a once conducted study of BB participants. I am not going to write a success story but I just past the 14 month period and I feel very much on my way to recovery. I still have a allot of stresses in my life but I am happy and very productive again. That alone is a blessing -- to be able to get up in the morning and feel excited about life, work and everything. Not something I did for almost over a year.

 

A big thing for me is when I decided to get off the boards for a while ( nothing wrong with being on the boards just not good for me at this point). I had somehow been acting like a victim to this process. I conscientiously made a decision over a month ago that I was no longer a victim and now am a victor. That choice was huge for me.  I knew that there was no way I can reenter the world again if I came across as a victum. There is something empowering about choices and how we think.

 

This process is by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. I can say without a doubt that things get much better.  :smitten: It just takes time to heal. I am having wavyness here and ther but all manageble. The big thing for me is that I getting my passion for business back again. There are a couple of things that are disrupting me. Since I am no longer fearful all the time and torn up I am now having a nervous energy that is driving me to eat allot. I have gained 10 lbs in a month and that concerns me. Very little concern in the scope of things.

 

This does not feel like a window . This feels like a baseline improvement. I think I am at 85% to 90%. I am so thankful to God for so much. I am thankful for BB that got me through the hardest time in my life. I can understand why so many people do not get back on the boards when they are fine again. The answer is that we simple do not want to be reminded of a scary past -- best to put it behind us. I go back to provide insight to others. I will write my success story but not yet. I said many of us will write a success story by Christmas and I still believ that! :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

I am thankful for God, my wife, kids, family, my healing, my health, my finances, my brain coming back to me again, my passion coming back, --- I am grateful for the experience I went through as it has humbled me and I have a newfound empathy and understanding for mental health issues and a compassion for others that are struggling. I am a victor and I look back now and realize that this experience has made me a better person and I have no other option but to think that I am the ultimate victor in this process -- that I am a much better person because of it. Was it worth the struggle? I am not sure 100% yet of that but now that I am through the worst I believe that it was a tremendous accomplishment!!!! My love goes to all of you! I know that we will all heal. Please keep the faith. We will get there. Waves try to confuse you and tell you that it will never end. That is a lie!!!! It does end and life will get much much better again

 

Love to all on this most wonderful day!!!!!!

 

life

[[Fi...]]

Hey life, thanks for taking the time to write your inspiring post.  Must appreciated.

 

I am grateful today for feeling miraculously better enough to get it together for this Thanksgiving  shindig coming up!

 

Love,

FJ

[[No...]]

Thank you for your post, Life ... good to hear how you are doing ... keep coming back when you can, the encouragement is much appreciated ...

 

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... got slammed again last evening ... seems for a while I was just oozing stress ... don't know why ... and perhaps even knowing would not help much ... it was just there ...

 

So, just ride it out ... things are quieter tonight ... slept for a couple of hours this afternoon ... didn't sleep much last night ... too much "energy" ...

 

Oh well, it is what it is ... hope you all are having a quiet evening ...

 

 

[[...]]

That's my life motto, "It is what it is!"

 

So sorry you are having a rough time! I truly never would have believed healing would have taken this long!

 

Be well dear friend!

 

[[He...]]

Holy smokes, that just sucked. I woke up about 45 mins ago with my heart going a million miles a minute. It felt like it was going to come out of my chest. Total panic attack, I guess.  Burning skin, the works.  Totally out of the blue...out of a dead sleep. This was different than what I described as my "cortisol rushes" that would wake me all the time last year. I hope this was a one-time thing!  It was scary and horrible. I actually have some fear of falling back asleep lest it happens again. Ugh.

 

My day was good until that just happened. I had a couple of tiny bouts of anxiety, but they didn't last long. I enjoyed Thanksgiving with my family and kept inwardly marveling over the difference between this year and last year. Right now I have all the doom and gloom thoughts that go along with getting slammed....but I know they will go away. They always do.

 

Ok, it's 2:45am and I'm going to try to get back to sleep. I hope you are all sleeping soundly!

HH

 

It's 3:30 now and no luck on going to sleep. Now I'm back to my old cortisol rushes...every time I doze I'm jolted awake. Rough night!

[[No...]]

HH ... yep, that is a "rough night" ... and you are right ... the doom and gloom stuff always goes away ...

 

I have been up since 1:30, getting lots of "practice" in working with the health fear stuff again ... managing to stay out of the whirlpool place ...

 

Staying slow, and moving with this stuff ... hoping you managed to get back to sleep ...

 

Going out in a bit and try to walk some of this energy off ...

 

Hope everyone has a quiet Friday ...

 

[[...]]

Good morning!

 

HH, sorry you had a rough night! I hope you are feeling better!

 

Nova, I hope your walk helps get rid of your extra energy!

 

I'm feeling a little better this morning, but I'm cautious! I fell asleep early and slept 11 hours! That hasn't happened in years!

 

I think I'll go fishing today!

 

[[pe...]]

Thinking of you, HH. I hope things smooth out today. You have come through so much and just keep moving forward.

[[He...]]

Gmit, 11 hours of sleep? How wonderful!

 

Nova, I'm sorry you had a rough night also. The fear gets so loud in the wee hours of the morning.

 

This wave is slamming me hard.  Continued wake-ups, buzzing, benzo-flu, doom and gloom, fear. Why, oh why? I'm worn out from this process.

[[He...]]

Thanks Peace. There is nothing like a wave to make you question everything!  How are you doing?

[[pe...]]

I had a really wonderful Thanksgiving. I was not in an effortless mind place, but close enough. The holiday was orchestrated to be just what we needed - a gathering for ten at our place, my family, my sister and five dear friends. No drama, no travel, delicious food and great company. And we are getting the idea that bowing out of big family gatherings that happen in faraway states might be best for our family- not just during recovery but always. So thankful for listening to our needs, seeing each other and creating a wonderful celebration. No stress.

 

In other news, I went to the integrative psych and he said many things about myself and mental health. He said always in my life sleep and stress will be the deal breaker. This has been true forever and ever. My last baby threw me way off. He said the second year of recovery will be easier than the first. He said to stay off medications but did give me a few recommendations for supplements to calm things down. I will tread lightly there. Sleep, stress reduction and time was the real prescription.

 

Looking forward to today, cookie making with my boys and sister.

[[He...]]

I had a really wonderful Thanksgiving. I was not in an effortless mind place, but close enough. The holiday was orchestrated to be just what we needed - a gathering for ten at our place, my family, my sister and five dear friends. No drama, no travel, delicious food and great company. And we are getting the idea that bowing out of big family gatherings that happen in faraway states might be best for our family- not just during recovery but always. So thankful for listening to our needs, seeing each other and creating a wonderful celebration. No stress.

 

In other news, I went to the integrative psych and he said many things about myself and mental health. He said always in my life sleep and stress will be the deal breaker. This has been true forever and ever. My last baby threw me way off. He said the second year of recovery will be easier than the first. He said to stay off medications but did give me a few recommendations for supplements to calm things down. I will tread lightly there. Sleep, stress reduction and time was the real prescription.

 

Looking forward to today, cookie making with my boys and sister.

 

This is a beautiful post and I hope you go back to read it on your hard days. It shows such healing!! I'm thrilled for you, Peace!