12-18 month support

[[ga...]]

Thanks LM....I kind of feel like the odd ball on this board.  Everyone else has suffered with physical symptoms.  I did have some issues with the gut. Minor compared to what I hear from folks here.  Mine was more nerve related not so much w/d.  Had those issues from childhood.

 

I have been battling intrusive thoughts on and off for years now.  Possibly tied to the high doses of medication over the years.  Never was like this before using this stuff except for anxiety and sleep issues.  Just so disappointed that this stuff is overwhelming at times.  I have to do everything I can to get myself through these periods.  At the moment, they are not overwhelming me but are there swirling in the back of my mind.  Maybe a bit better because I finally got some rest last night.

 

I worry that this is also tied to my unrealistic view of aging and what is in store for me in the years ahead.  I feel I need something more in my life to focus on and have a joy and passion for.  Hard to figure that one out when feeling the way I have for so long.  Just nothing really exciting me.  Just need to accept my life is what it is and LIVE it!  It really is not that bad as most of you are well aware of.

[[Lo...]]

Thanks LM....I kind of feel like the odd ball on this board.  Everyone else has suffered with physical symptoms.  I did have some issues with the gut. Minor compared to what I hear from folk here.  Mine was more nerve related not so much w/d.  Had those issues from childhood.

 

I have been battling intrusive thoughts on and off for years now.  Possibly tied to the high doses of medication over the years.  Never was like this before using this stuff except for anxiety and sleep issues.  Just so disappointed that this stuff is overwhelming at times.  I have to do everything I can to get myself through these periods.  At the moment, they are not overwhelming me but are there swirling in the back of my mind.  Maybe a bit better because I finally got some rest last night.

 

I worry that this is also tied to my unrealistic view of aging and what is in store for me in the years ahead.  I feel I need something more in my life to focus on and have a joy and passion for.  Hard to figure that one out when feeling the way have for so long.  Just nothing really exciting me.  Just need to accept my life is what it is and LIVE it!  It really is not that bad as most of you are well aware of.

 

You're welcome Garton. This is a hard journey...very hard! I sometimes feel like the odd ball with my balance issues. I feel like they won't quit. Others have healed from it...not me :-(

 

One moment at a time my friend. 

[[No...]]

Coop ... Having a really hard time this last hour ... the head pressure escalated ... and my neck feels like it is corded tight ... and the gut stuff has not let up all day ... and my throat is congested and tight ... and it feels like I am having shortness of breath ... but my breathing is fine ...

 

I think there is panic going on in the background ... this has not let up for a couple of days now ... I know I have been in tougher spots in the past ... and ... I am having a lot of difficulty just trying to ride this one out ...

 

No pain ... just feels like I am being tightened up ... and my focus is not working real well ...

 

This stuff sounds familiar doesn't it? ... the health fear is gnawing at me fiercely ... maybe this is what you folks mean when you feel like you are going to die ...

 

Just a little lost here and scared ... and trying to breathe my way through this ...

 

Just reaching out ...

[[Aq...]]

Nova, all of that sounds very familiar.  Hang in there as usual and it will pass.  It is hard to see how it was ever better or how it will ever get better when it sucks as bad as it does sometimes.  Unfortunately, we just need to trust the non-linear nature of the process, as slow as it may be.  You got this!  One day at a time! 

[[Co...]]

Nova, ...hop right in my row boat friend. Is this not just crap ?!...This far out....didn't we play by all the w/d rules...and keep a posting faithful heart? 

.....I hear you heart to heart on the health fear anxiety. I was just thinking of you and the post you did some days ago when you had a tough revved wave in which you were cycling in and out of anxiety every 10 minutes. .  That's exactly where I am today...dying ( yes, literally thinking and feeling like I might die in the next 5 minutes ... truly miserable). ...I remember that that wave also lasted a few days.

  ...Nova, I am so sorry you are going through this.  Seems to be contagious today. We are going to get through this one too Nova. I have been reminding myself all morning that I have been here before ( although it has been quite some time since I have had one like this) 

.....Do you think the SOB is from anxiety breathing. ? ...I have a hard time figuring out if my sx are anxiety driven or my anxiety is sx driven...all of the above I think. I have been having one anxiety attack after another today.  The minute I feel the intense anxiety my head feels like it's going to spin off my shoulders from pressure...that in turn amps the anxiety by 1000 mega watts. ...well, you know the miserable loop de loop...we've been on the loop ride too long.

    You have my heart Nova...I so wish you were done with this...you paid your fare in full 10x over.  I am sure that I am going to be here on the bed with the dog all afternoon .  you are not alone my friend.  Keep posting ...coop

[[No...]]

Aquaval and Coop ... thank you for the reassurance ... this seems to be my biggest issue of late ... I can`t remember what stuff felt like ... everything seems new ... very confusing ... benzo-dementia ...

 

Made biscuits for tonight ... thought my head was going to fall off rolling them out ... put them in the oven, forgot to put on the timer ... that`s okay, forgot to turn on the oven ...

 

Coop ... that is pretty close ... panic/ànxiety cycling and driving stuff ...  on/off/on/off for that last three days or so ...

[[Co...]]

Nova...yep...we are on the same high seas. ..No worries about not turning on the oven...When I have anxiety d/r is right behind...a kind of dissociation...I forget everything in d/r.. names, connection to time, can't follow a book or movie... I threw some laundry in the washer and went to the kitchen and picked up the dishwasher pods ...got all the way back to the washer before I thought, " wait, what's wrong with this picture?". When I have an anxiety attack the sx are all consuming and take up every micro spec of thinking space in my head....my thinking doesn't come back until the anxiety lifts. Head pressure does exactly the same thing to me. I think this is what people mean by " I finally got my clarity back".... My father died of alzhiemers and some days I am sure that I am developing it.  but...when the anxiety and d/r lets up it all goes away and I know that I dont have a dementia ...other than the temporary benzo w/d dementia.

...Nova ,I keep hanging onto the success story ( can't remember the author) that describes little to no healing with raging sx right up to month 22....and then ...complete healing.

...We are going to be okay Nova.  but I am pretty sure that I will be posting to you in about an hour asking you to tell me again that this will pass.  Just one more stepping stone ( a wiggly one) on the road to healing. 

  ....guess you and I will be burning up the thread today.. .coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... the split pea soup was very good ... and the biscuits were fine ... after finally getting baked ... seems it all comes out in the wash ...

 

And this forgetting what things felt like, even yesterday ... and then the sensation that this is all new ... even when I read my journals the connection doesn`t happen ...  seems every time it revs up it feels new ... oh well, not to worry .. this will all straighten out sometime ...

 

Guess I will hang out here tonight ... at least until I fall asleep ...

[[Co...]]

Nova.. yes, that's the d/r.  I have had it almost every day in month 14/15 after months of only having brief fleeting moments of it.. I didn't even have much of it in acute. I often can not only not remember what I did in the morning.  The day seems as though it didn't have a morning...total dissociation for that morning. Sometimes I can kind of remember some of the events of a given morning but it seems as though they happened in some other morning.  Totally whack a doodle stuff. And yes, the feeling of, " well, this is new.. or what is this?"  even though I have looked at that hillside or storefront a million times.  Somewhere in my mind I recognize it on a cognitive level but still can't re ognize it.  Crazy making stuff...but it all clears up ...until the next time it comes along. 

...Nova your thoughts are going to come back into focus on HD ....enjoy your soup and biscuits.  My daughter is bringing ice cream...guess there are some comforts left even in benzo hell....coop

[[Co...]]

maybe I do have alzhiemers...sounds total dementia when I re-read that last post I wrote to Nova.  Can't catch a break at all today.  ..coop

[[No...]]

Hey Coop ... made good sense to me ... so maybe we are both afflicted`... 

 

Ice cream sounds real good ...

 

Didn`t seem to have this memory thing until a month or so ago ... must mean something else is getting worked on ...

[[No...]]

Saw a piece by Matt Samet somewhere a while ago ... he talked about the sense of being totally lost in the symptoms ... for him it felt like everything had been taken away ... no functional connections ...

 

Losing the continuity of days for a while seems to be just one more part of this for some folks ...

[[Co...]]

Nova, yes ...mine showed up in prime time not until month 14/15....special new and unwrapped gifts from year 2  ...onward and forward...and yes " lost in sx'...can't find the pathway out.....coop

[[ga...]]

Nova and Coop....I feel so bad for what you both are enduring.  You guys have been so supportive to others on this board.  Just know how much that is all appreciated.  You help us keep our heads above water in trying times. 

 

I am sorry I can't relate to all the physical sxs you both are going through.  Just know that you have made it this far and you will get through this bout.  I want to continue to be here to support you in whatever way I can.  It's only a web board but just know that myself and others are behind you both.  One day at a time and this shall pass.

[[No...]]

Coop ... fascinating ... and I was beginning to think I was really losing it this time ... it is so good to have someone to talk to about this stuff ...

[[No...]]

Garton ... thank you ... the physical stuff is another side of the coin with two many faces ... my stuff has been physical all along ... that is why I have difficulty connecting with those dealing with depression ... I seem to have just never been there ...

[[Co...]]

Nova, ...no you are not losing it...it's all w/d...it is so good and reassuring to share this with people who are going through the same torture. Nobody else would believe us in a million years...especially doctors...don't we know. ...I appreciate you so much Nova...you have walked with me through my worst waves...thank you so much dear friend. ....coop

[[Co...]]

Garton...that is such a sweet post. You have been wonderful support to me too...especially with the head pressure . My s/x seem to fall out on both sides. The first year was one mental torture after another although depression was at its worst only moderate. Everything else was on overtime.The second year has been one physical awfulness after another. I never knew my head could feel pressure , let alone mind staggering pressure. My body pain surpassed my RA pain by leaps. ...  eing connected to others going through this has helped me immensly to ( a)...stay alive in the worst of times. (b).  understand sx and learn from those ahead of me the nature of sx and how to endure them .. ©  to not give up...if I can along one tenth of what I have been offered here I am more than happy to share anything I can with anyone going this way. ....I know the depression. is suffocating  but it's going to lift Garton.....what would any of us do without BBs?

.....coop

[[ga...]]

You got that right Coop.  The board is great support.  Keep thinking those positive thoughts...you are soooo good at that.  I am trying the best I can to let that sink in.  I noticed that today I am not completely consumed with the negative...there are some patches of blue!

[[No...]]

Well ... I seem to be coasting ... and have my feet grounded ... things are still revving up and down ... and that was an additional thing for me this afternoon ... things seemed to be getting progressively worse as the hours passed ... I seem to have landed on a plateau ... still very rough ... and the sense that things are getting worse has passed ...

 

Will see how the next couple of hours go ...

[[Co...]]

That's great...those sunbreaks are little clues that you are healing.  ...it's really hard to think anything positive when you are enveloped in depression or anxiety edging on panic. I absolutely can not find my positive ground when anxiety has mw swirling in panic...like Nova said in his last post . It just eventually winds down a few notches and allows you to find your feet. I was seconds away from going to urgent care all weekend. The only thing that kept me from running in with ' hear attack ' s/x was remembering how awful going to er was in month 6 and how the exact same sx were correctly diagnosed as panic and all my heart evaluations were absolutely normal. ... I can't be positive in the midst of the storm either...just have to endure it until it ends.. You are doing your best Garton and our best is fluid and changes with the intensity and nature of sx.. Keep it going Garton..you are getting there....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, so glad to hear that...why we get hit so hard this far out is beyond me. I was also able to doze off a little and the anxiety/panic is settling .. my baseline is still whacked but at least I have some clarity ...a little rational thinking....and icecream....that's the best I can do on this one. ...rest easy dear friend ...tomorrow is another day...hopefully a better one....coop

[[No...]]

Ahhh ... ice cream ... the universal elixir ...

 

I absolutely will not go to ER again unless I can't get up off the floor ... and going keeps flashing through my mind these days ... that's the rabbit hole I fell down this time last year ... you know you are okay when it takes you a week to get over going to the ER ...

 

These last few weeks have been a struggle to keep it together long enough to get to the first week of April ... I know that is magical thinking and it is the carrot I keep holding out to myself .... get to April and things will shift again ... been feeling this way since mid December ... only four or so weeks left to go ... survive until April ...

[[dr...]]

Holy lots of posts! .  Popping in.  I think my wave or at least the head pressure/headache portion is breaking.  I had a day w my pressure at about a 3 instead of 8.  Whew!  Still getting some strong one off palps which is new but they don't scare me.  Anxiety levels down and it's surprising as I had to return to work after ten days off. 

 

Coop and nova hope you get a break. 

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... glad you are feeling better today ... Coop and I have been running up our posts tally ... not much else to do on a Monday ...