12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... I am right there with you Coop and Drew ... it is getting hard to maintain my focus on healing and not health fears ... got a couple of hours of action packed dreamy, broken sleep ... and this stuff is still revving around ...

 

We need a break ... and yes, the background boatiness ... anxiety ... the congestion ... and the unstable guts ... and the head and ear and sinus pressure ... took an ibuprofen last evening for the aches and got a bout of reflux ...

 

Hang on, what else can we do? ...

[[No...]]

HH ... thinking of you and your family ... holding you in my heart ... don't have any ideas or suggestions ... sorry ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova.  Man oh man....I thought your wave was starting to lessen....I am so sorry to hear that you have the head misery too. ...Is this really going to end dome day. The thread has been so sad today...of course it is a thread for people in recovery after 12 months....So sorry Nova...I don't even have anything positive to say except that I am thinking of you and want you to feel better....and never have another benzo day.

.....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... another Buddy wrote "I really have nothing to complain about. Just have to be patient, occupy myself and let more time pass." ...

 

The bottom line ... I am benzo sick ... I will get better ...

 

This stuff is now just lessening a bit for a while and then ramping back up for a longer while ... then releasing a bit ... back and forth, back and forth ... the bungee cord treatment ...

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... and the restlessness ... just wandering around ... looking for a way out I guess ... looking for some soothing ...

[[Co...]]

Nova...yep..me too...watched hours of Downton Abbey...have read all the success stories. for the thousandth time...I have the great combo of s/x that are demanding center stage and hypervigilence ...definitely not sleep inducing. ..can't believe I have devoted 22 months ( counting my 6 month taper) of my life to w/d..  I could have been doing do many better things...if it wasn't a complete waste of time I would be mad about it every day....Any luck finding a little calm?.. 

[[No...]]

Coop ... the calm is there ... I just lose the string to it a lot these past few days ... the calm is in the centre ... it is there for all of us ... and it is fleeting ... I drop the string and have to look for it again ...

 

We are giving ourselves a gift ... and yes it does feel like an awful waste of time lately ... and for me it is not ... been at this three and a half years ... I will not collapse back into the hell of benzo land ...

 

Calm and kindness ... and time ...

[[Co...]]

Nova...yes, a glow in the dark string would be helpful. I seem to be in between waves of anxiety and health fear at this given moment. I did finally take one fourth of a drammamine and some of the dizziness is lifting. I hate taking anything but dome days it just is what it is and you do whatever you have to short of reinstating.  sending you wishes for some sleep...coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... almost 4 AM here ... I am up for a while ... gonna start a batch of split pea soup in a while ... that will take a few hours ...

 

And yes ... this bouncing to and fro between anxiety and health fear ... and we take what we feel will give a little relief ... and we know that reinstating is not an option ...

 

Hope you get a good sleep when the time comes ...

[[Co...]]

Split pea soup.. wow..sounds really good. You cook at 4 in the morning?...great distraction. Hope you get some sleep after the soup simmers.

....well, I am beginning to think that I might be actually sick..aside from w/d. ...Yesterday I was freezing cold no matter what.. running around in 2 jackets and double socks. Today the same.. with hot face...hmmm. The anxiety has subsided. I haven't died yet...earlier I was sure that I was...

.....Nova, send over some chicken soup.  And then get some sleep. Hope you feel better ....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... for me that is also running in the background ... a flu like thingie ... it is going around these parts and my wife and I have had it off and on since December ... not dreadful, just miserable ... for us congestion in the head, cough, and general yuk ... and it too waxes and wanes ... seems many people we know have the same stuff ... EVERYBODY is waiting for Spring ...

 

Snowing this morning ... a nice quiet snow ... then more deep cold tonight ...

 

Yep ... cooking is a "distraction" for me and it helps me feel I am "contributing" something to our household ...

 

Chicken soup on the way ... split pea soup for dinner ... sleep optional ... 

[[Co...]]

Thanks Nova,...that is good to know. Everyone in my city is sick too....including my grandsons who are just now well after some weeks of illness. I actually started feeling less anxious thinking that it might be actual flu. rather than heart attacks , strokes or brain tumors. ...well, you know that drill. I haven't been sick sick with anything all the way through so I guess it's my turn..  thanks again Nova.  Enjoy your split pea soup later today.  Sending thoughts of sleep for you....coop

[[Lo...]]

I just wanted to chime in...finally hit double digits! 10 months off and still surviving.

 

I'm still dealing with inner ear disturbance, balance issues, rocky boat sensation, head/ear pressure, leg weakness which kicked back up last month and is the pits, anxiety, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and twitches which really kicked back in last month.

 

Remaining prayerful that moving forward I will have windows again and be totally healed. 

 

I wanted to thank each of you...so loving and encouraging!

 

Happy 10 months off to Drew & SoCaler!

 

I should also add that I made it through my closed MRI exam yesterday (one hour and 15 minutes of lying still). There was some initial panic in there, but then I controlled my breathing, recited a prayer in my head and got through it. The radiologist was super! He convinced me that I could do this unmedicated...and I did! 

 

http://kristinakuzmic.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Luka-10-cake-favorite-things-resized.jpg

[[Co...]]

LM...Congratulations on 10 months...you have traveled far on a rocky road....you are going to heal and have your life back.

....Wow..oh...wow....a closed MRI ..I can't even imagine.!!!!..I couldnt do one before benzo...had to be medicated to the hilt.

....I just read your list of sx...it gets better LM. You will have more frequent sunbreaks and windows. I noticed a shift around month 14. I am having a hard wave now at month 16 but I just had a long stretch ( 10- 12 days) of a good baseline of 85%-90%.  . I had sx during that stretch but they were mild to moderate and very manageable...If you can do an hour and fifteen minutes of a closed MRI you will whip this.

.....doing a happy dance for you....coop

[[Lo...]]

LM...Congratulations on 10 months...you have traveled far on a rocky road....you are going to heal and have your life back.

....Wow..oh...wow....a closed MRI ..I can't even imagine.!!!!..I couldnt do one before benzo...had to be medicated to the hilt.

....I just read your list of sx...it gets better LM. You will have more frequent sunbreaks and windows. I noticed a shift around month 14. I am having a hard wave now at month 16 but I just had a long stretch ( 10- 12 days) of a good baseline of 85%-90%.  . I had sx during that stretch but they were mild to moderate and very manageable...If you can do an hour and fifteen minutes of a closed MRI you will whip this.

.....doing a happy dance for you....coop

 

Thank you my dear! I had a great month 7 off and half of month 8...I just knew I turned a corner...then all hell broke lose  :'(

 

Praying itgets better soon. My son needs me...I can't walk around with a mile high pile of sxs too much longer.

 

Thank you for the encouragement! 

[[Sk...]]

LM, congrats for your ten months and for your MRI!!!

 

Huge.  :clap:

[[No...]]

Coop ... hope you got some rest ... me, I am just sitting here in my own little wave pool frittering away the afternoon ... not much else I can do for now ... outside is not a possibility today ... icy/snow again ...

 

LM ... congrats on 10 months out ... we just keep accumulating those months until we don't have to anymore ...

[[Sk...]]

Coop ... hope you got some rest ... me, I am just sitting here in my own little wave pool frittering away the afternoon ... not much else I can do for now ... outside is not a possibility today ... icy/snow again ...

 

LM ... congrats on 10 months out ... we just keep accumulating those months until we don't have to anymore ...

 

Beautifully put Michael.

[[ga...]]

Still lots of difficult times for folks....sorry to hear.  My thoughts are with you and hoping for better days ahead.

 

For me...last night actually was better as far as sleep goes...maybe 5 hours!  Lots of strange dreams though.

 

Still experiencing some unsettling thoughts.  Lots of wondering about what the future has in store.  A bit of a feeling of forboding that I am having to fight off.  Easier to do when not exhausted but there still floating around in the back of my mind.  Why these miserable feelings when they are imaginary?  How about some happy thoughts!  Hate the battle that is going on in my head.

 

Hoping for improvement for all.

[[Co...]]

Good morning Nova, yes I did finally sleep for about 4 hours..still boaty but slowly getting a grip on the wild health fear. I was able to get the dog out and putter...my life is alot about puttering lol...but I am tired of complaining about it or wishing it was more...I do wish it was more and I know it will be again,...I am actually grateful for puttering and taking the dog out and writing on BBs...so many people in the world are suffering so much more than I am. This process can become so self centric as we feel so imprisoned and immobilized by crappy sx. I often forget that the most healing place for me to reside in is acceptance....and my most helpful mantra is ..." I will do my very best in this moment ".. I would like to get through this with a little more grace and less screaming fear.

....Glad to hear that you are not going out on the ice.  You need both your hips in working order to get to the market this spring and sumner. How did your split pea soup turn out?..

....Nova, did you get a little more sleep after your 4am kitchen adventures?...I hope so...I am tired today but not as dizzy or feverish...I no longer believe that I am dying  ( in a hard wave I still believe that I am literally dying...uugghhh), but I am still trying to ignore intrusive thoughts of death and dying. ...will be glad to see that one go...in a window that sx is completely absent. ...It is beginning to SNOW here...unbelievable...hardly any snow at all throughout the winter...now gray and cold...more puttering for me this afternoon .

...sending you wishes for a better day today Nova....and a good restful nap....thank you for hanging with me through a tough night....coop

[[Lo...]]

Coop ... hope you got some rest ... me, I am just sitting here in my own little wave pool frittering away the afternoon ... not much else I can do for now ... outside is not a possibility today ... icy/snow again ...

 

LM ... congrats on 10 months out ... we just keep accumulating those months until we don't have to anymore ...

 

Beautifully put Michael.

 

Thank you Sky & Nova!!!! I love the fact that 1 day we won't have to count any more...this will all be a thing of the past! 

[[Co...]]

Garton, your intrusive thoughts and fears will heal with more time. That is one of my worst sx too...that and head pressure. It is all w/d...but in a wave they are so convincing. It's a tough one. Sometimes I just have to live along side of my sx , but I can't always do it with grace.

    I don't know how any of us do this with any shred of sanity left.  Glad you got some sleep last night.. Garton, that is such a good sign of healing. Decent sleep really helps us tolerate sx..  You are going to get there Garton.  We will all be beat up and on our last leg ( and nerve), but we are going to leave w/d behind us....and still be standing.  wishing you a better day Garton. .  coop

[[ga...]]

Thanks for the good thoughts, Coop.  Wishing you improvement too!

 

One day at a time......

[[Co...]]

Garton.., just a side thought.. just a casual subjective observation . I have been reading signature lines and posts for longer than I ever thought I would be .  and imo it seems that ativan and lorazapam ( generic ativan) w/d are really prone to the intrusive thoughts of catastrophe and wild health fears. One day we will leave them behind.. keep your distractions going today.  This is going to get better. . coop

[[Lo...]]

Garton, your intrusive thoughts and fears will heal with more time. That is one of my worst sx too...that and head pressure. It is all w/d...but in a wave they are so convincing. It's a tough one. Sometimes I just have to live along side of my sx , but I can't always do it with grace.

    I don't know how any of us do this with any shred of sanity left.  Glad you got some sleep last night.. Garton, that is such a good sign of healing. Decent sleep really helps us tolerate sx..  You are going to get there Garton.  We will all be beat up and on our last leg ( and nerve), but we are going to leave w/d behind us....and still be standing.  wishing you a better day Garton. .  coop

 

Hey Garton, glad you got some sleep. I have some intrusive thoughts too. Especially with the poor balance and leg weakness. The thoughts of not being able to walk one day, will need a wheel chair, what will happen to my son, I'll never get my balance back have all plagued me. I'm noticing its up and down...more so in this huge wave I've been in.

 

I try to breathe, I do some tai chi at night and I have 1 friend (my best friend) who I talk too openly and all of you.

 

It will pass in time...it has too. We won't stay like this