12-18 month support

[[Sk...]]

Michael, I am aiming at a walk. Ice cream might be too much to ask for ! 

 

On my last day without a wave, thursday, I was even able to draw a little. I decided that I would see what it was like to putter around the house without the horror going on. And it felt great. I drew, I had a snack, I read, it was so nice. I had been in a wave for so long that I had stopped doing  fun things ( for me)  like drawing for two months.

 

I also have noticed that, on my  day of window, the nicer the window the more brutal the following wave will be. I think it must be a good sign though. I think it means that we are healing as opposed to having a lot of so-so days. Well, I hope that is what it means.

 

Take care, be mindful.

[[ga...]]

HH ....I am so sorry about your difficult situation.  You will get through it.  Just not a great time to deal with that kind of stress.

 

Sorry once again to have to vent.  This is the place and I really need it after the last couple of nights.  Sleeping maybe 2 hours and then lying awake with those nasty thoughts....will I ever improve?  Is this the new me stuck in this never ending pattern?  On top of that I spent an hour ruminating about suicide....very dark places with no one to talk to in those early morning hours.  So painful having these miserable thoughts.  A permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem.  Got to keep telling myself that.  I have got to believe the sleep deprivation is once again causing me to think this way.  I woke my wife eventually.  Unfortunately, she wasn't much help.  I was spewing the same old garbage she has heard many times before. No sympathy there.

 

The one issue that really is hard for me is not being able to make plans to go on a vacation.  She has been talking about all kinds of week getaways...cruises, driving vacations and so forth for early April.  She really wants and deserves a break.  I can't stand the thought of planning something and then feeling as I do now.  That would be devastating to me. Don't even want to think about this now as it ramps my stress sky high.

 

Once again thanks for listening.  Wishing everyone a better day.

[[pe...]]

Garron- can you send your wife on a vacation with a friend? You wouldn't have the pressure and she'd get the break she needs.

[[ga...]]

Hi Peace.....She has mentioned she'd go without me.  Maybe with one of our adult kids.

 

I find I am very had on myself as I would like to enjoy my life and go on a vacation.  I feel like a complete failure giving in to my fears and bailing out on her.  I always loved travel when I was younger.  One of these days maybe a cruise would work.  That's my goal anyhow.

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi Peace.....She has mentioned she'd go without me.  Maybe with one of our adult kids.

 

I find I am very had on myself as I would like to enjoy my life and go on a vacation. I feel like a complete failure giving in to my fears and bailing out on her.  I always loved travel when I was younger.  One of these days maybe a cruise would work.  That's my goal anyhow.

Garton, are you a failure because you are in wd and just about anything is too hard to take ? that does not make you a failure it makes you somebody with health issues. Would you be so hard on yourself if you had a broken leg ? Well, now you have a broken brain, same difference. 

 

Peace's idea sounds good. It might be good for your wife as well, our loved ones deserve a break from wd too.

 

Be kinder to yourself. It will be ok.

[[ga...]]

Thanks Sky...I just did not expect the insomnia and depression to ramp up to the level it is now.  Hard to take.  It is noon here and the depression is holding on strong today. My own pity party to be sure.  Just feeling sorry for myself and my wife.  Already tried exercise and will have to work this afternoon.  Hopefully, that will provide some distraction from where I am now.

 

She may end up going on he own or with our kids.  She more than deserves a break from this ordeal.  She has endured this for close to 20 years now...not what she expected by any means.

[[mr...]]

Gart,

 

Traveling used to be "funky" for me as well, so here are some things we (me & spouse) did to move forward together:

 

Maybe you could sit down with your wife, and ask her sincerely what she preferred? You could be lovingly honest with her. Letting her know that, realistically, if you go, there'd probably be some "stuff" to deal with on your end. But that you'd be willing to go and move "through" the stuff, if she was willing and/or okay with it. Sometimes, for my hubby, it is more important to him that I'm present - and therefore we both sorta "readjust" our "expectations" for the trip, and we both sit down and both work on finding some "middle ground" on the activities we do, places we go, etc during the trip.

 

Other times, the trip we were taking was more about my hubby needing a "break" - so my presence was not as important to him. So, sometimes we would decide that I stayed home. Other times, we decided that I would travel with, but just stay at the hotel room the entire trip. Knowing, and deciding these things in advance, made things a lot easier for me. A LOT less guilt involved also - if I knew that we'd already committed for me to be staying at the hotel the whole day, it was no big deal in my mind to do this. And better yet, if I was feeling good, and decided to come and participate in one activity with him that day, it was like an "extra credit" bonus - for both of us! Like, wow I said I was only going to stay in the hotel today, but instead I went out to eat with my family AND walked through the museum with them - Go Me! You know, versus both he & I carrying the mindset of "we'll just see", and then us both being disappointed when I ended up staying in. If that makes sense? Also, it really helped me get a handle on not "overcommitting" myself - an old bad habit of mine (thank you Jesus!). If I knew that if I said "yes" to doing something, it meant that I'm going to DO it, No Matter What, it made me really get objective and realistic in making commitments. AND - it was really helpful for Mr also. Of course at first, he was a bit disappointed at how often I said "no" ~ but it wasn't long before he was okay with it -- because he knew then, if I said yes, it was going yo HAPPEN. And accountability like that is big for him - do what you say, and say what you do, type of thing. Also,the thing MikeJee said a few weeks back, about saying "yes" to things and then doing them anyways, no matter how he felt? There's something very true about that, for me anyways. Kinda like spitting in the proverbial "face" of withdrawal - like, F-YOU, you DON'T win big guy!!!!

 

These were just some things that we found worked well for us, Garton. They may or may not work for you! Either way, I hope that whatever you decide to do, it is the right decision for you and your wife Love to you both, Gart You're doing great, BTW - Year Two can quite the "mental ride" for many! You've come far, bud. Its going to get gooder 'n gooder -- you just wait & see! We'll all see Have you read that new Success Story post by Edenhazard? Its a goodie, IMO...it may ring a bell or two for you, too Jus' sayin' Anyways,take care bud

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Hope everyone's okay?? Its way too quiet on here today...

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Sunday, Mar. 1

 

Where there is great love there are always miracles.

 

Willa Cather

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... had a okay day yesterday ... when I tried to sleep got all messed up again ... one of my patterns ... got a couple of fitful hours of sleep and woke up revving ... things settled down after a couple of hours ... now in that in between place ...

 

First of March today ... only 19 days until Spring ...

 

Hope we all have a pleasant Sunday ... 

[[ga...]]

Mrs....Thanks so much for all the great ideas.  Looks like you have dealt with this before with success.  I will definitely put some of your suggestions to use.

 

Right now, I am trying to go moment to moment.  I got a bit more sleep last night but the depression part is hanging over me.  I just can't get motivated or excited about anything.  It is such an unsettling feeling.  I have not been this "down" in a long time.  Not sure if the lack of sleep or what is causing it but I know I need to snap out of it.  Need some more distraction or whatever to keep my mind off of whatever it is that is bringing me down.  I know things are not that bad.  Maybe it is just looking into the future rather than staying in the moment.  I look at things that should be something to look forward to and let those things depress me instead.  Such as experiencing a vacation where I am miserable, not enjoying being with family and lost in my feelings, just going through the motions of life.

 

Sorry for rambling. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through today.  It will get better.

[[Sk...]]

Garton, how are you ? Don't worry, this is a place for ramblers, right ? ;-)

 

I had a bad evening, my benzo belly combined with my period made a dangerous mixture, very very unpleasant.

 

Now, things are not much better. My heart is pounding and my vibrations are bad too. I am going to take a bike ride soon, hope it will help me take my mind off things, it often helps. 

 

Quite confusing. And how is everybody else here today ? Keep up the healing.

[[Co...]]

Good morningfriends,...well there is a good amount of w/d pain going around...GARTON ....I am only 4/5 months behind you and struggle with many of the same issues.  The dread and depression of events that would normally be preceeded by happy anticipation. It is getting better but gradually. I am w/ding from the same drug you are.  Ativan ( lorazapam). At 16 months out  I had the first 2 straight weeks of feeling significantly better. I love the very great advice Mrs. gave you about negotiating the trip with your wife. I really do believe that healing will deliver us back to our lives the way it found us. If we didn't have crippling depression and anxiety before benzos we won't have them as daily companions after healing . You are having a tough time for sure Garton and my heart goes out to you. I think you are right about going moment to moment ...and staying in the present as much as you can in a wave.. Glad to hear that your sleep is better...that will go a long way in helping you weather this wave. ...It's good that you are using the thread for support and distraction. That is helpful to both you and your wife. ..Hold on Garton...things will open up and get better again. ...coop.

[[Co...]]

Nova, I have been following....but hit a wave much like yours and have been off for a couple of days. Thank you for the reminder that spring is 19 days away ...right around the corner. Some sun and dirt is going to help all of us...

....How are your wave s/x now? .  That was a tough one Nova. I hope we are all getting g down to the last of the tough ones. Are your cold winds of the north easing up. We got hit with ice cold cutting winds too...not as nice to try to get my dog out. ...Nova, with all my heart I hope you are feeling better.. thank you for posting to us even though you are not feeling good yourself...your posts are so helpful to me...Wishing you a wide open window... and some warm winds....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... sorry to hear you are back in the soup ... I am sitting here churning away ... feeling pretty lousy ... I get an hour or two of relief once in a while ... then back at it ... so I am just puttering along ... don't have to do anything so am doing lots of nothing ...

 

Better days are coming ... 

[[ga...]]

Thank you for your reply Coop...Great advice from so many here and yes it is a distraction from the depression.  I have to get out and work today and doing it with this stuff overhanging makes it that much more difficult.

 

To be sure Coop...the Ativan is poison and I'm sure played a part in what we're going through now.  I worry that I was prescribed and was on such high dose celxa along with restoril along with ambien that I am now paying the price.  Depression hasn't reared it's ugly head that often over the last 20 months.  Maybe more of a I just don't feel the joy, anticipation etc. when it comes to doing things that should spark more of a response.  My therapist says it's okay to feel less "passion" and just go through the motions.  I really have a hard time with that.  I drive my wife nuts when I tell her I lack "passion" for doing and looking forward to activiities I once really enjoyed.  She says just live your life and don't be consumed by my feelings.  I do over analyze how I am feeling moment to moment if you know what I mean.  On moment really down and depressed, the next lifting slightly and then back down...always analyzing.

 

I really hope that you and the rest are correct that this will subside as time goes on.  I am not looking for perfection just better than what I am experiencing now.

 

I hope you are doing well.  I really do care about all who post here and feel for you folks when suffering.  I know I get so fixated on me and what I am feeling when down in the dumps.  I do care and I hope you all know that.

[[Co...]]

HH,.....I am so sorry to hear about your house. Moving under time pressure....AND working would be a nightmare under the best of circumstances.  You have my heart . Thank goodness you are so far out and have Mr. HH and kids big enough to help and support. I agree with Peace, I think it qualifies for some time off. Does your spring recess fall anywhere close to the 2 weeks you are bound to?....Windows are so unpredictable. .You could get a nice long window right in the middle of this...I hope so. ...I am thinking of you HH. Just remember , moving is an alternate world experience even if you are not in w/d....go easy on yourself...sending love....coop

[[No...]]

Garton ... we just get through the days until we feel better ... and do the best we can for now ... anything else is a bonus ... 

[[Co...]]

Sky, ...sorry that you are waking up to a bad day...that can only mean that tomorrow will be better.  but it gets very very old. I am glad for you that it is the weekend and you can go easy and nap and soak in a hot tub if you want to. ...sending you wishes for some relief and comfort today.. love to you friend....coop

[[ga...]]

You are right Nova...I find myself getting concerned, frustrated whatever you want to call it at 20 months.  I was really hoping the depression would be a thing of the past.  I worry that with nothing really bad going on in my life that I still feel this way.  What will happen when something major happens?  I know...don't try and predict the future.  I've heard that before...many times from those who are trying to help.

[[Co...]]

Well,..  after a a few weeks of feeling better with an improved baseline, some sunbreaks and windows and even some effortless mind breaks.....I am now hit hard with a deep wave. I woke up yesterday feeling happy....connected to feeling happy and looking forward to seeing my grandson for an at home movie ( we have a really great theater room here in my complex) and lunch out ....I got hit out of the blue with head pressure that morphed into a near panic with big anxiety, dizziness, heath fear intense etc etc..and d/r. I got through the movie...ate some at lunch.. couldn't tell you what I remember about the movie because my anxiety was so distracting and the d/r so heavy....I wasn't really following it . So disappounting. Now I am sunk deep into benzo flu with as Nova described...a head as big as a room...buzzing brain, migraine and burning painful leg .  Looks like a bed day...the health fear and anxiety are a little quite.  I have done this enough to know that I only feel like I am going to die.  I know that in time it will pass..I just have to endure feeling miserable until it's over.  Of all the sx of year 2 .  It is head pressure and migraine that scares me and flattens me...So I am just hunkering down and trying to survive it the best that I can....ok...the poor dog wants out....I am sure I will be back on complaining and crying throughout the day.  Wishing everyone a day with sunbreaks, windows and some hsppiness.  coop

[[ga...]]

Coop...that sounds miserable.  I never experienced the sxs you and Nova describe.  I consider myself lucky in that regard.  I'd be happy to trade you my depression for your physical pain for  a day or two.  Just to change things up a bit.

[[dr...]]

Garton ... we just get through the days until we feel better ... and do the best we can for now ... anything else is a bonus ... 

 

Ain't this the truth!  I'm at ten months off and I'm not really in the mood to celebrate much.  Had a few hours yesterday morning with no head pressure or headache.  It came back later and is still here upon waking.  I return to work tomorrow and was hoping this would be gone.  Since when has hoping worked here.

 

Coop, I have the same exact symptoms. The pressure and headaches. Ugh!

 

Everyone else...survive another day.  It's what we are great at. 

[[No...]]

Coop ... hang on my friend ... we know how to do this ... and we just keep doing it until we don't do it anymore ... no words of wisdom today ... nothing new under this sun ... except the calendar keeps moving on so I guess I will just follow ... 

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... "The Carry On Gang" ... that's us ... what else is there to say? ...