12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Sky,.....I am so sorry about your weakness and heart palps. I get exhausted some days just doing the dishes. I hope this lifts for you today. Can you believe that we are 16 months out?....We are getting so close...another 6 months and we should be seeing really sustained improvement.

.....hope you got a nap today.....coop

[[dr...]]

Still so much suffering here. .  Vent away!  That's what we are here for. Lord knows our spouses and friends don't like hearing this crap all the time. 

 

I'm at the airport waiting for my flight.  Got another ocular migraine after an eight hour break yesterday.  I thought I was pulling out of the damn wave but it's not to be.  Joining nova in the stuffed sinus club w added head pressure.  This symptom came back and isn't lesbing so quick after being gone for a long while.  Hope the airplane pressure changes don't screw w me much. 

 

Talk to you all once I'm back on the mainland.

[[ga...]]

Coop...you always are one to give out great advice.  I understand that distraction is critical.  For me exercise..30 minutes on a treadmill, my weekly golf game, which has been curtailed due to a sore back, time on the internet along with some t.v. keep me partially distracted.  I still drift in and out when extremely tired though, as I am now.  I did get the exercise in and will take a walk with my dog this evening.  My wife has been looking at cruises for early April.  I really hope I can give her a well deserved vacation...yeah...already starting to fret it a bit.

[[Co...]]

Garton...I hope I didn't come off as preachy...I really don't mean to. Obviously you have the endurance strategies down pat...like the rest of us you have been relying on them for survival for months. ....I am just now trying to pick up on my yoga again ...I don't seem to be able to be consistent. ...

....You are going to get to a better place Garton....coop

[[No...]]

I am thoroughly pissed ... fell asleep ... nice deep slice ... thrown awake in full blown panic ... three hours of sleep and now this ... I already know how to do this kind of panic ... how about showing me something new for a change ...

 

No head or sinus pressure ... just the short of breath, heart goofing around ... vibrations ... panic ... there are no alligators in the room, the ceiling isn't collapsing, the pipes haven't burst ... there is no reason to panic you fools ... go find someone else to mess with, I am tired of this ...

 

Okay ... got that out of my system ... is there some law against getting some sleep? ... who knows ... maybe I have pissed some witch doctor off and I am being hexed ... yeah, that's probably it ... 

[[No...]]

Garton, my friend ... no point in fretting April ... we are having too much fun in February ... 

 

Sorry, about that ... I am just in a real mood right now ...

 

You know what you are doing ... you seem to have a handle on this stuff ... and you always come through after a spell of doubt ... we just keep sledding ...

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... lots of "fun" around my house tonight ... hope you are having a good day out there in the PNW ... we had a little snow blow today, a quick one ... and it is still windy ...

 

I am sitting here muddling through this latest "event" ...

[[No...]]

Drew ... hope you have a good flight ... see you later ...

[[je...]]

I am thoroughly pissed ... fell asleep ... nice deep slice ... thrown awake in full blown panic ... three hours of sleep and now this ... I already know how to do this kind of panic ... how about showing me something new for a change ...

 

No head or sinus pressure ... just the short of breath, heart goofing around ... vibrations ... panic ... there are no alligators in the room, the ceiling isn't collapsing, the pipes haven't burst ... there is no reason to panic you fools ... go find someone else to mess with, I am tired of this ...

 

Okay ... got that out of my system ... is there some law against getting some sleep? ... who knows ... maybe I have pissed some witch doctor off and I am being hexed ... yeah, that's probably it ... 

 

 

Hi Nova,

I'm feeling the same way. Tons of anxiety right now, but most everything else that's physical is almost nonexistent... Feels like I can't catch a break, I finally get some relief from the physical pain and now the anxiety is back. Ugh... Waking up in a panic is no fun, hope its gone now. Hugs, jenny

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... sorry to hear about your anxiety ... the stuff we endure ...

 

Getting woken up like that was really confusing ... took a while to get my bearings ... been a long time since I have been woken up in panic ... just sitting here ... riding the wave ... this will shift in a while ... and then I will try to sleep again ... hope you get a good rest ...

[[je...]]

Thanks Nova, you too  I hope you get some good rest.

[[Co...]]

Nova,...damn this stuff...I had a 30 minute anxiety attack last night.  ..pounding heart, weakness...health fear. Like you, I know how to do this.. I almost felt like saying, " ...oh, yeah.that's the best you can do? ...I have weathered panics 3x as big as you.  ".  Just made me so mad to get hit this far out. Like yours it passed. ...I just keep thinking about how far we have traveled and in spite of crap, it's better than it was last year.. . but like you say, " better, but not better enough"..

.....Wishing you a peaceful night...Glad to hear the head pressure stuff was better today.  Hate that one.

.....Yes, we had a gorgeous day here today. Cold but so bright with sunshine. The dog and I were out several times. I went to the book store and picked up a copy of The Theory of Everything for my grandson...onward we go. one day at a time. ...coop

[[No...]]

Well ... his one is turning into a humdinger ... kinda fascinating watching it move around ... not any fun, but fascinating ... guess I am getting a bit morbid in my old age ... thinking a panic episode is fascinating ... need a new hobby ...

[[No...]]

Coop ... just sitting here ... fireplace on the TV, a little music and a warm drink ... waiting for this one to run out of energy ... not enough focus for my jigsaw puzzle stuff ... kinda' like the old days ...

 

You know we have been at this for a while when we can talk about the old days ... 

[[ga...]]

Nova...Love your sense of humor.  Hold onto it!  Wish I had your quick wit...what a great quality.

 

I'm just a few years behind you.  Just wondering if you can relate to some of the fears I have dumped on myself.  I seem to have a miserable time excepting a fate that we all have in common.  We age, we lose loved ones, we have fears and regrets, for the most part we all have things we can be greatful for......the years go by and then we die.  Kind of morbid thinking but I seem to be mired in it more than I would like. I would love to accept the good in life and the things that we all should be looking forward to....there is good to be had in all our lives.  Age should not matter.  I just know when I was younger I was never caught up in this kind of irrational thinking.  Why the last few years?  Is it the damned drugs...who knows.  Love to hear your thoughts if your so inclined.  You have a wonderful outlook through all the suffering.  Many of us do value you and your opinions.  Hoping you have a better night ahead.  Garton  By the way I will keep April in my back pocket for now and think about it in a few weeks.

[[Co...]]

Nova...so sorry...did the panic come back or did it just leave you with the dreaded residual health fear? ....It is so wrong that anyone has to go through this.

.....yep, sometimes we are so tired of this and so worn out from it that we just sit there and watch it go by...thinking, " really?.. really?"...

......Some day Nova, this is not going to be sitting on our shoulders 24/7...I am thinking of you...

[[No...]]

Garton ... good questions ... if I seem a bit off ... blame in on the panic stuff bouncing me around ...

 

I don't believe we can "blame" how we are thinking on anything, not even witch doctors ... and yes, the drug(s) probably have some influence on our thinking ...

 

This may sound a bit odd ... we are just "thinking" ... and "thinking" is only one aspect, one possibility as we go through our days ...

 

Isn't there also all our feelings ... all of our awarenesses ... sometimes when we can stop all of our "doing" and just relax into "being" right here, right now ... we see with different eyes ... you know this ... you have been in this place ...

 

Perhaps all our thinking and feeling distances us from this place ...

 

 

[[No...]]

Coop ... the panic is still around ... and my guts are involved and some nerve zaps and zots ... the full meal deal for a while ... and my focus is whoozy ...

 

No place I haven't been before ... and the health fears are nibbling around the edges ... and I am tired ...

[[No...]]

Garton ... I am tired ... I am depressed ... I am going through panic ... seems to me these are states ... states brought on by thinking or physical symptoms, whatever ...

 

They are not all of me ... I am also, perhaps not at the same time ... at peace ... loving ... attentive ...

 

Sometimes I just get lost in my own "noise" ...

[[Co...]]

Really glad to hear that the health fears are low key. I know the tiredness the comes with a panic...wiped out but can't sleep. This is what I know....when we are done with this there won't be anything we can't do or get through...

.....Is your weather ( actual weather) getting any better?..  I think we are all going to feel better when we can get out in the sunshine and plant something in the garden

.....I will be so glad when this is over for all of us.. ..coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... actual weather ... we are a long way from Spring yet ... still seasonably cold for around here ... and a lot of stuff that needs melting ...

 

Looks like March will be coming in as a chilly lamb ...

[[Gr...]]

Things have been weirdly better and hard at the same time. I'm stressed out as I wake up to my world and I'm fragile. Man, am I fragile. And if I can stay out of the black depression, I will be ok. But today it nipped at my heels and so I literally tried to outrun the thing with a 25 mile jog in 10 degree weather. And now I am home and will try to go to sleep early and pray these things are enough to keep the deepest despair away. It's been awhile and it has not been missed.

 

Yesterday I danced with my son to my favorite song, I talked with my sister about music and I made my husband laugh. It hasn't all been about withdrawal lately, thank you God! But it's still there in the corners. I hope I beat this. I hope I get to walk away more or less unscathed.

 

If you can run 25 miles in 10 degrees, that's a very good start.

[[Gr...]]

Garton..I am a few days away from beginning month 16 and my sleep and depression sx mirror Laserjet's exactly....and I am seeing sustained improvement in the depression. I still wake up with the morning depression and it lifts completely within 20-30 minutes of getting up and outside with my dog. In no way do I think we ' do this to ourselves'...I have never.  ever had depression.  And certainly nothing that even looks vaguely like the bleakness of w/d depression. ...I also have learned not to fear insomnia...if I can't sleep I do domething...get up make some hot milk/honey...read if I can concentrate ( almost always now)...write on BBs.  listen to music.  I am tired the next day but never as terrible as I think it is going to be. I will however say that I am retired and have the luxury of being home on tired days. ...things are bound to improve Garton.  And venting on BB is such a good way to say what you are feeling when others can't understand..  because we know exactly what you are going through and support flows here like honey...I could not have done this without my friends here..  hold on Garton...we are here for you....coop

 

I agree, Coop, I am tired the next day but never as terrible as I think it is going to be..  I'm not so afraid of not sleeping now because I don't feel as bad as I used to when I was up all night.  Though, like you, I'm retired and don't have to get up. Once the sleep straightens out, I hope to get back to work.

 

 

[[Co...]]

I think March is going to be cold here too. We never have weather like this in Feb. Can't wait to get through March and have some real spring.....Yes, " the old days"  how long have we been doing this? .. feels like a lifetime on some days. I remember last summer you made planters for your patio and I had a patio garden but could not sit peacefully long enough to sit among the geraniums and enjoy it. I remember wishing that I could just sit and read a book and have a coffee. I think I was only able to do that once all of last summer. Now I feel like even with some sx I will be able to sit in the sun on my patio with a decaf on most days. I think I will never heal until I start remembering what a terror last spring was.

  .... Are you going to be able to sleep tonight? .  Nova...I hope tomorrow brings you some sunbreaks. 

[[No...]]

Coop ... there is a foot and half of snow/ice on my balcony ... it will melt eventually ... and the planters are waiting for us ... this stuff has not run out of steam yet ... I will sleep eventually ...

 

I am not in bad shape ... just waiting for this revving to pass ... then perhaps some more sleep ...