12-18 month support

[[Lo...]]

Hi all....I went with the attitude of symptoms be damned today and did a hike on the nature trail in Kauai.  The whole thing is 11 miles but my goal was four.  I made it very clear to my gf I would be turning back at some point.  Little did I realize it was a path of rocks up a steep mountainside   my anticipatory anxiety was trying to kick in but I said "screw you...I know I don't feel great, feels like I can't breathe, heart pounds, and legs don't work but they all will be fine".  I made 3 miles total and feel good about it.  Got close to panics but I welcomed it and it never came.  Today I'm fed up with this shit and plowing forward.  Oh....massage soon. 

 

Drew I hear you. It gets tiring but glad you plowed through it! Next vacation this will all be a thing of the past.

[[He...]]

Hi Sky ... a hamster on the wheel ... yes ... after a moderately quiet day my stuff is taking off again ... this does get awful tiresome ... hope you get some good rest ... 

 

GAH!! Mine has been taking off, too.  Stupid, stupid, stupid withdrawal. 

[[He...]]

On my way to go have dinner with my grandsons ....and looking forward to watching the cheesy Oscars tonight. 

  ..  I am so appreciative of every single one of you ....thank you for the endless unconditional support.  .coop

 

Have a wonderful time, Coop!! 

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to catch up on all the posts, it seems a lot of you are having a tough time. I have been dealing with a ton of anxiety this whole week-- something I thought was long gone.. Ive been having full on panic attacks with shortness of breath. My benzo brain has been telling me that this is just who I am and it will never go away. I've been an anxious person my whole life so I really worry about this, but I've had huge stretches of time with zero anxiety and actually felt calm... Not sure what that means for me?? Which is the real me? I've also been dealing with some head pressure and stuffed up sinuses.. Jenny

[[mr...]]

Jenny,

 

Not you. Just benzos. IMO.

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Hi Jenny,

I don't think we can say whether this is us or not until we are WELL past the 2 year mark. I would say that, because you have had huge stretches without anxiety, it shows this is just another symptom. It went away once, it will go away again.

Hugs to you! Hoping next week is better. 

[[Gr...]]

Green...I can relate to keeping busy to ward off the depression.  I can't believe how bad I felt at 3 a.m. this morning.  I was consumed with depression until 6 a.m.  Telling myself I don't want to keep living like this, thinking of all the horrible experiences I've endured over the past 10 plus years, the depression and anxiety and so forth and continued worrying about the future and all the horrible things that "could" happen.  Well, now it is noon and I am feeling more or less normal...just very tired due to a lousy night of sleep.  What a friggin roller coaster ride this is.  I haven't had this kind of depression in a long time.  What was that all about and will it continue to rear it's ugly head?  I just am caught up in the waking early in the morning with these nasty thoughts...don't know how or when  it will break,.

 

Gart, I really think it's a symptom, because of the weird unprovoked way it ushers in (like all symptoms!)  I'm talking about depression and intrusives.  I ignore it because if I let it get a foothold, I'm afraid it will take over.  So I try to keep busy and ignore as much as possible.  Although sometimes that's exhausting!  Matt Samett said it's like being a shark, we just have to keep moving to keep ahead of the symptoms.  It does feel like that.  hope things are  better for you.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green,

I very much relate to what you are saying about NOT letting your symptoms rob you anymore, and about feeling like this is it, as good as it gets. I think these two things go together, in a way. If this IS what I'll be living with for the rest of my life then I better be living DESPITE my symptoms that come and go! I think it's important to live anyway. I can't allow this to ROB me of anymore of my life, fleeting time with my daughters, precious moments and everyday things!

But, it is hard!

I think I run from depression, too.

Love to you!

 

HH, I truly believe we're all going to be a lot better at two years, I do.  On the second year:  None of the success stories say the second year was a breeze.  a lot even say the second year is harder in some ways, because we're so tired, and it really is a challenge.  Though, for me, nothing can touch the suffering and misery of that first year, nothing   I was frying-in-cooking-oil hell for one year, lol.  This is bad, not fun, but all I have to do is remind myself of where I was last year, take a deep breath and be very grateful that went away  Although I am a little weary today

[[Gr...]]

Green, yes.. the d/r is crazy. I only had mild infrequent bouts of it. It hit me hard in month 14/15.. Like you, it makes,me feel like I only observing from afar the experience I am living g. It is so freaky. I often wonder if I have a dementia ( especially when I can't add the months of the calender correctly) .  Other times I think I have a mental illness. I really admire you so much for getting out there d/r and all. I read Fliprain's last entry in her progress journal last night. She came through so much and is now feeling completely healed at I think, 22 ...maybe 24 months. She is so inspirational...and a great writer. I agree, staying busy helps so much. The sun is out so bright and beautiful here. It looks like May instead of Feb. I have been out all morning with my dog. I had about 3 hours this morning of effortless mind.  So grateful for that when it comes along.  it is so wonderful to feel normal and happy and clear.. it always makes me cry with gratitude. Now my window is dimming a little.  but 6 months ago I would have been on my knees with gratitude for what now is a dimming down of an effortless mind. . ..We are getting there Green.  All of us are seeing better windows. You are healing. ...coop

 

Yes, we are getting there, my friend.  I cry with gratitude sometimes, too.  I'm grateful for the effortless hours, grateful I didn't really die in the throes of withdrawal!  which I was certain I might last year.  If I had, I would have been one restless ghost, let me tell you!  haunting the hell out of the big pharma guys!

 

Fliprain got her mind back fairly early, though.  I read somewhere, her log or success story, she was going to school kind of quick.  I'm thinking 7 or 15 months? 

 

But eli1111, he cleared up at 22 months, the cog fog, got total mental clarity back.  And megan, our moderator, she got hers in the second year.  18 months?  They say it comes back, they all do.

 

I'm tempted to start googling it as a symptom, but I'm trying hard not to do that. 

 

The fog I have now is so heavy I'm blank on what happened yesterday.  My memory is really dim, as if I were drinking or taking Xanax?  I'm talking about all of my memories, short and long term.  Does anyone else get this?  And it adds to the DP/DR, not having memories.  or is loss of memory part of DP/DR?  I couldn't even begin to try to explain this to someone in the world, even my therapist.  I just can't bear that look I get when I try to explain sx.  What is that look?  do they think we're crazy?  hypochondriacs?  complainers?

[[Gr...]]

Nova, HAPPY HAPPY MONTH 17...2 days from now.

....that is just so huge. How any of us get past the first 3 months is a wonder. ...One month closer.. You have traveled so far...and hard. More hours ...and days of clarity and normal are coming your way.  Enjoy your evening Nova.  coop

 

Nova, you're finishing 16, starting 17?  congratulations!

[[Gr...]]

Garton, ...Glad that your morning sx burned off. I have been having a revisit of that ' morning acute' too. Anxiety, health fear, depression and intrusive thoughts. Lately they burn off after a few hours. Sometimes they lift completely into a window. ...Even though we are all still having sx , all of our posts have thread of better healing...  And Spring is coming...it's gotta get better. I was just remembering that last Spring I was so gripped with head pressure, anxiety and d/r that watering the geraniums on my patio was a triumph...seriously it took all my effort to think about and follow through to water the geraniums..trapped inside my cog fog and fear.Now I usually go about all those daily activities in spite of mild d/r with at least some sense of connection and mental energy.  Not going to the ballet on my own yet ....Green you warrior girl, but I think I am feeling pretty close to volunteering in the classroom again.

.......Enjoy your day Garton.  .coop

 

Coop, I feel like I wasted my money!  I can't remember the damned thing!  Although when I have that experience with a movie, once I start watching it over it comes back and I really do remember it.  Are you making memories when you have the dp/dr?  and I love the cheesy Oscars!  good movies this year

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone,

I'm trying to catch up on all the posts, it seems a lot of you are having a tough time. I have been dealing with a ton of anxiety this whole week-- something I thought was long gone.. Ive been having full on panic attacks with shortness of breath. My benzo brain has been telling me that this is just who I am and it will never go away. I've been an anxious person my whole life so I really worry about this, but I've had huge stretches of time with zero anxiety and actually felt calm... Not sure what that means for me?? Which is the real me? I've also been dealing with some head pressure and stuffed up sinuses.. Jenny

 

Jenny, I'm pretty sure it's the withdrawal, still.  I get the same thing, long stretches of relative calm, and then get hit with anxiety.  But the anxiety, though intense, feels much more normal than the off-the-charts stuff of the first year.  still, I don't think it's normal, I think it's still withdrawal, with the pendulum swinging back and forth until it finally finds equilibrium.

[[Sk...]]

Green, yes.. the d/r is crazy. I only had mild infrequent bouts of it. It hit me hard in month 14/15.. Like you, it makes,me feel like I only observing from afar the experience I am living g. It is so freaky. I often wonder if I have a dementia ( especially when I can't add the months of the calender correctly) .  Other times I think I have a mental illness. I really admire you so much for getting out there d/r and all. I read Fliprain's last entry in her progress journal last night. She came through so much and is now feeling completely healed at I think, 22 ...maybe 24 months. She is so inspirational...and a great writer. I agree, staying busy helps so much. The sun is out so bright and beautiful here. It looks like May instead of Feb. I have been out all morning with my dog. I had about 3 hours this morning of effortless mind.  So grateful for that when it comes along.  it is so wonderful to feel normal and happy and clear.. it always makes me cry with gratitude. Now my window is dimming a little.  but 6 months ago I would have been on my knees with gratitude for what now is a dimming down of an effortless mind. . ..We are getting there Green.  All of us are seeing better windows. You are healing. ...coop

 

Yes, we are getting there, my friend.  I cry with gratitude sometimes, too.  I'm grateful for the effortless hours, grateful I didn't really die in the throes of withdrawal!  which I was certain I might last year.  If I had, I would have been one restless ghost, let me tell you!  haunting the hell out of the big pharma guys!

 

Fliprain got her mind back fairly early, though.  I read somewhere, her log or success story, she was going to school kind of quick.  I'm thinking 7 or 15 months? 

 

But eli1111, he cleared up at 22 months, the cog fog, got total mental clarity back.  And megan, our moderator, she got hers in the second year.  18 months?  They say it comes back, they all do.

 

I'm tempted to start googling it as a symptom, but I'm trying hard not to do that. 

 

The fog I have now is so heavy I'm blank on what happened yesterday.  My memory is really dim, as if I were drinking or taking Xanax?  I'm talking about all of my memories, short and long term.  Does anyone else get this?  And it adds to the DP/DR, not having memories.  or is loss of memory part of DP/DR?  I couldn't even begin to try to explain this to someone in the world, even my therapist.  I just can't bear that look I get when I try to explain sx.  What is that look?  do they think we're crazy?  hypochondriacs?  complainers?

 

Green, I don't remember whole years at a time. It is freaky and I was the one with a good memory !! Short term memory is improving, but out of the blue some very simple event will take place and I will have such a hard time remembering it.

 

And it sounds nuts of course. I am really tired, expect some major complaining in the next few hours. The second year may not be the horror of the first but it's no picnic either. IMO it may be even harder, actually that's what it is, so much harder. If we were not making constant comparisons with the past, with the first year, it would be hard to be optimistic at all.

 

Sorry, I really feel bitter today.

[[No...]]

Jenny ... from my side of the fence ... it is all benzo stuff ... can't be anything else ... I am just not able to say "this is me" ... hell, I have a hard time stringing together who I might have been back then before the drug ... until things start firing on all cylinders I just leave the "me stuff" alone ...

 

When this is over and all is said and done, I utterly expect to be surprised who is left sitting in this chair ... that should be very interesting ... perhaps for all of us ...

 

Be Well, my friend ... 

[[No...]]

Green ... oh yeah ... "the look" ... and along with the look "the deafness" ... I believe it is about power and fear ...

 

"don't you dare rock my boat" ... "I have built this edifice ... I am the edifice ... you are not welcome" ...

 

I believe the issue is empathy ... and equanimity ... some very, very few have it ... and the rest are only concerned with their "presence" and their bank account ...

 

I am utterly stupefied when another human being can sit across from me and not recognize, and if they cannot recognize refuse to listen to, this person across from them who has been to hell and back, several times ... and survived ... perhaps their fear has deadened their curiosity and empathy ... and I am not speaking about family and community ... I am speaking about the mis-labeled "helping professions" ...

 

Okay ... that is my Monday vent ... sorry if this upsets anyone ... for more than 25 years I have only ever received the "look" and the "deafness" ... and that is perhaps one of the saddest aspects of my journey ...

[[No...]]

Well ... it is Monday ... still messing around with this head and sinus and anxiety and health fear stuff ... and the weather sure isn't helping ... who is in charge of that anyway? ... I would like to give them a piece of my mind ... there must be one lying around here somewhere ... 

 

We keep toddling along ... one day at a time ...

 

Have a good day, Folks ... 

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Well ... it is Monday ... still messing around with this head and sinus and anxiety and health fear stuff ... and the weather sure isn't helping ... who is in charge of that anyway? ... I would like to give them a piece of my mind ... there must be one lying around here somewhere ... 

 

We keep toddling along ... one day at a time ...

 

Have a good day, Folks ... 

 

Hi there, how are you? I'm with you. This weekend was very hard. Today I don't feel like myself at all. I don't know what this is. I feel very anxious, kind of shaky, got twitches, almost like I'm not here, short of breath, weak legs and of course my balance is off.

 

I'm at work praying I make it through the day. I hate this feeling  :'(

 

Maybe I'm not meant to work through this, just give in, file for disability and call it a day.

 

I'm not a quitter but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this  :'(

[[No...]]

LM ... hi ... yep is sure is yukky ... I did work all through my taper and up until last October when I retired ... I did take two leaves of absence during those three years ... for three weeks each ... it did help me get some respite ... and what I found, the working help pass the time, even though some days, many days in fact, I just "wasn't there" ...

 

And ... our first consideration is ourselves ... we do what we need to do to get through this ... and the support is here no matter what you decide to do ...

 

We just keep going, until we are done ... take care ... 

[[Aq...]]

Wow, we all seem to be going through the tough stuff together.  I have been slammed the last few days.  Some of the worst dizziness/head symptoms yet.  However, the weird thing is, it feels different than previous waves.  I can't even describe how it feels different.  It is equally as bad, if not worse, but different.  It almost feels like a completely different set of symptoms, but the end result is still dizzy, stiff neck, full head, d/r etc. 

 

My latest thoughts are around blame.  I am tired of the blame game.  If i hit a wave, my mind goes straight to trying to figure out what caused it and how to fix it.  What did I eat? What is the barometric pressure? Did I push it too hard yesterday? Did I get enough sleep?  ENOUGH!!  AHHHHH!  It is hard enough to just deal with things how they are.  Why put more layers on top? 

[[No...]]

Aquaval  ... yep ... a different configuration ... same outcome ... this stuff has a way of doing that ...

 

And ... the blame game ... yep ... many of us do it ... and it is most always fruitless ... as you say, hard enough getting through this stuff without adding to it ...

 

[[Lo...]]

LM ... hi ... yep is sure is yukky ... I did work all through my taper and up until last October when I retired ... I did take two leaves of absence during those three years ... for three weeks each ... it did help me get some respite ... and what I found, the working help pass the time, even though some days, many days in fact, I just "wasn't there" ...

 

And ... our first consideration is ourselves ... we do what we need to do to get through this ... and the support is here no matter what you decide to do ...

 

We just keep going, until we are done ... take care ... 

 

Thank you my dear, I needed to hear that. I'm thinking of just taking a couple of days off. Just some me time. I feel like I'm going through a healing crisis. It's not nice at all...work does keep my mind off of some things.

 

This month was rough...the whole 9 month mark has been the pits. Plus last Thursday made 5 years my mom has been gone. My therapist thinks between that and some other things my symptoms flared big time.

 

I'm going to pray on it. I really am. Thank you for reaching out Nova.

[[Gr...]]

Well ... it is Monday ... still messing around with this head and sinus and anxiety and health fear stuff ... and the weather sure isn't helping ... who is in charge of that anyway? ... I would like to give them a piece of my mind ... there must be one lying around here somewhere ... 

 

We keep toddling along ... one day at a time ...

 

Have a good day, Folks ... 

 

Hi there, how are you? I'm with you. This weekend was very hard. Today I don't feel like myself at all. I don't know what this is. I feel very anxious, kind of shaky, got twitches, almost like I'm not here, short of breath, weak legs and of course my balance is off.

 

I'm at work praying I make it through the day. I hate this feeling  :'(

 

Maybe I'm not meant to work through this, just give in, file for disability and call it a day.

 

I'm not a quitter but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this  :'(

 

LM,  I thought about disability constantly for the first year.  now lol?   not really.  Eastcoast helped me with that.  for me, it would be a dead end.  once I was on it, it would define who I was.  and we do get better, we really do.  it just takes time.  I commend you, the fact you make it to work, the fact you hung onto that job.  You are a strong, powerful woman to get through this, a strong powerful woman having a bad day.  hang on, it gets better.

[[Gr...]]

Green, yes.. the d/r is crazy. I only had mild infrequent bouts of it. It hit me hard in month 14/15.. Like you, it makes,me feel like I only observing from afar the experience I am living g. It is so freaky. I often wonder if I have a dementia ( especially when I can't add the months of the calender correctly) .  Other times I think I have a mental illness. I really admire you so much for getting out there d/r and all. I read Fliprain's last entry in her progress journal last night. She came through so much and is now feeling completely healed at I think, 22 ...maybe 24 months. She is so inspirational...and a great writer. I agree, staying busy helps so much. The sun is out so bright and beautiful here. It looks like May instead of Feb. I have been out all morning with my dog. I had about 3 hours this morning of effortless mind.  So grateful for that when it comes along.  it is so wonderful to feel normal and happy and clear.. it always makes me cry with gratitude. Now my window is dimming a little.  but 6 months ago I would have been on my knees with gratitude for what now is a dimming down of an effortless mind. . ..We are getting there Green.  All of us are seeing better windows. You are healing. ...coop

 

Yes, we are getting there, my friend.  I cry with gratitude sometimes, too.  I'm grateful for the effortless hours, grateful I didn't really die in the throes of withdrawal!  which I was certain I might last year.  If I had, I would have been one restless ghost, let me tell you!  haunting the hell out of the big pharma guys!

 

Fliprain got her mind back fairly early, though.  I read somewhere, her log or success story, she was going to school kind of quick.  I'm thinking 7 or 15 months? 

 

But eli1111, he cleared up at 22 months, the cog fog, got total mental clarity back.  And megan, our moderator, she got hers in the second year.  18 months?  They say it comes back, they all do.

 

I'm tempted to start googling it as a symptom, but I'm trying hard not to do that. 

 

The fog I have now is so heavy I'm blank on what happened yesterday.  My memory is really dim, as if I were drinking or taking Xanax?  I'm talking about all of my memories, short and long term.  Does anyone else get this?  And it adds to the DP/DR, not having memories.  or is loss of memory part of DP/DR?  I couldn't even begin to try to explain this to someone in the world, even my therapist.  I just can't bear that look I get when I try to explain sx.  What is that look?  do they think we're crazy?  hypochondriacs?  complainers?

 

Green, I don't remember whole years at a time. It is freaky and I was the one with a good memory !! Short term memory is improving, but out of the blue some very simple event will take place and I will have such a hard time remembering it.

 

And it sounds nuts of course. I am really tired, expect some major complaining in the next few hours. The second year may not be the horror of the first but it's no picnic either. IMO it may be even harder, actually that's what it is, so much harder. If we were not making constant comparisons with the past, with the first year, it would be hard to be optimistic at all.

 

Sorry, I really feel bitter today.

 

Thanks for responding, Sky.  I can't tell you not to feel bitter, angry and bitter is way better than the tears and pity party I'm fighting off.  I'm having some tough days.  Trying not to "become" the symptoms -- actually, I was trying to manage my symptoms, and in so doing I was ignoring them, and now here it is, almost like a wave, because I seem to be getting lost in it. 

 

Feel better, Sky.  I don't know how you're doing it, all of those lessons, feeling like this.  You're a lot tougher than you know, my friend.

[[Lo...]]

Well ... it is Monday ... still messing around with this head and sinus and anxiety and health fear stuff ... and the weather sure isn't helping ... who is in charge of that anyway? ... I would like to give them a piece of my mind ... there must be one lying around here somewhere ... 

 

We keep toddling along ... one day at a time ...

 

Have a good day, Folks ... 

 

Hi there, how are you? I'm with you. This weekend was very hard. Today I don't feel like myself at all. I don't know what this is. I feel very anxious, kind of shaky, got twitches, almost like I'm not here, short of breath, weak legs and of course my balance is off.

 

I'm at work praying I make it through the day. I hate this feeling  :'(

 

Maybe I'm not meant to work through this, just give in, file for disability and call it a day.

 

I'm not a quitter but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this  :'(

 

LM,  I thought about disability constantly for the first year.  now lol?   not really.  Eastcoast helped me with that.  for me, it would be a dead end.  once I was on it, it would define who I was.  and we do get better, we really do.  it just takes time.  I commend you, the fact you make it to work, the fact you hung onto that job.  You are a strong, powerful woman to get through this, a strong powerful woman having a bad day.  hang on, it gets better.

 

Thank you sweetheart, I appreciate you and this thread so much! I'm like you...this is not the first time I contemplated disability...I'm praying I can just hold on...I've been through some serious storms (losing my sister, my mom, being a single mom, Lyme Disease which I'm still recovering from, financial blows and now benzo w/d) all within 7 yeasrs. It's a lot to handle...it really is.

 

Thank you for being a glimmer of hope :-)

[[Gr...]]

Wow, we all seem to be going through the tough stuff together.  I have been slammed the last few days.  Some of the worst dizziness/head symptoms yet.  However, the weird thing is, it feels different than previous waves.  I can't even describe how it feels different.  It is equally as bad, if not worse, but different.  It almost feels like a completely different set of symptoms, but the end result is still dizzy, stiff neck, full head, d/r etc. 

 

[b]My latest thoughts are around blame.  I am tired of the blame game.  If i hit a wave, my mind goes straight to trying to figure out what caused it and how to fix it.  What did I eat? What is the barometric pressure? Did I push it too hard yesterday? Did I get enough sleep?  ENOUGH!!  AHHHHH!  It is hard enough to just deal with things how they are.  Why put more layers on top?

[/b]

 

Aqua, I think our psyches need to blame something in order to feel a sense of control.  therefore, if I did something to cause this, it follows I can stop doing whatever I did, eat sleep, adjust barometric pressure, etc,, you get the drift, and it should follow that we stop whatever we did to cause the wave, punishment, and then we feel better.  the mind is just trying to control what's going on with us.  the sad reality is most of our symptoms are truly unprovoked, and there's not a damn thing we did to cause them, and really not too much we can do until they pass, accept to stay quiet and self soothe.  our psyches don't like to accept there's nothing we can do to stop the suffering. so stop being so hard on yourself, you're suffering enough already.