12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Good morning,

Yesterday started out feeling awful, very floaty/boaty with a heavy layer of depression, but it lifted as the day went on. Despite the morning, which was spent in a lot of tears, it turned out ok. I spent it watching basketball at the District Championships tournament and was in the gym from 1:00 until about 9:00. I slept much better last night and woke up peacefully at about 7:30.

 

Nova,

It's good to see you back on the thread. I hate that you are in a horrible wave!! My horrible wave back in the end of December/first of January that brought me to my knees left me with a calmer baseline. My waves no longer seem as violent, they seem have downgraded to "uncomfortable" from their previous "agonizing".  The odd acutish-type wave seems  shorter.  There is a lot of healing going on in the midst of waves! You will come out doing much better, I know you will.

 

Coop,

I love your list of what you want to do once this is behind you! I have two things that I have yet to be able to do, and that is drink caffeinated lattes and drink a beer or three. I love artisan type beer and I can't wait to be able to not worry about what alcohol may or may not do to my gaba receptors! I have not had even a sip of alcohol since I was 3 months off.

I simply can not wait until I just am living my life without having a constant monitor on my symptoms. That awareness in the back of my brain, the checking in of how I'm doing. I have started having chunks of time when I find I've been completely free of both symptoms AND the awareness of them...so that tells me that I will get there.

 

LM,

Your list sounds great!

 

Sky,

Thank you for sharing the video. I watched it yesterday for the first time.  I agree, it was validating! This is such an unbelievable experience, yet it's mirrored by individuals all over the world with completely different histories, yet similar disastrous effects.

 

I wish you all a peaceful Sunday! Mrs, Peace, Drew, Green, and all the rest, thinking of you all and sending healing thoughts!

Love,

HH

[[Co...]]

HH, ..you are sounding so so good. I am hanging on every word you post. I am so glad you are having such improvement. This week for me has been going in the direction you speak about.. moments or a few hours of no sx as well as not the constant scanning for lurking sx waiting to whack a mole me. I am going to my son's house this evening for dinner and some sweet Nonni time with my grandsons...no anticipatory anxiety at all about it this morning... About the beer..lol...Me too, ...when this is over in a trusted way I will raise a glass ( or 2) of this summer's best citrus beer to you.  Or a glass of pint noir....here's to the better Spring and Summer we are all looking forward to.  .coop

[[63...]]

Hello 12-18 gang...

 

....I hope you don't mind me posting here as I am a 6-12 person, but this thread seems to be more active and I follow this thread just as much as i do the 6 - 12 month and I need some support.

 

I'm having a very hard time of it. I have been in a bad wave for coming on three weeks now. The last couple of days have been particularly hard. The symptoms start with bad head pressure and go from there to bad mental stuff; chemical anxiety/terror, and more of the usual suspects. It is crazy. Its about as intense as anything that I've had during acute. I'm just so tired of this. I would like my mind back, as now it is being assaulted by terror and crazy w/d bullshit like that I will never heal, permanently damaged, etc...

 

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I just need to vent... I had a very mild month of January, where I kept thinking, "is this all behind me now?". Apparently it is not. However, I am extremely determined to see this through. I have gone through far, far too much of this sh*t to stop now. But honestly, enough is enough! -ugh!

[[Co...]]

Hold on Robert,.....I and Green got hit with the wave out of blue hell between months 10 and 12. It seems to be pretty common to get hit hard somewhere late in year one. I also had ,during that wave horrible head pressure and health fears that seemed to come right out of a horror film . It went on for weeks... it didn't ' just lift'.. it gradually lessened. ...But it got better. I am in the last week of month 15 and this week my baseline has been pretty consistent with a baseline of 85%-90%.  with frequent sunbeams, sunbreaks, windows and some hours of 'effortless mind'...

.....Do whatever helps you ...distract, self care like Epsome salts soaks in a hot bath, walking, BBs, movies.. all of it will help but the only real healing will be time...time and more time and your ability to accept and endure.  I will end and most of us find better baselines after long killer waves.

  Come on for support as much as you need to ...and you are more than welcome here.  It will end Robert it just doesn't seem like it will. All of us here have been right where you are

..  coop

[[He...]]

Hi Coop,

I am glad to hear you are having those free moments and hours, too.

 

I don't know about myself sounding good. Sometimes I think I do, other times I feel like all I do is whine and cry on here. It's been interesting because this is the only place, besides with my husband and parents occasionally, that I allow myself the honesty and vent on how I'm feeling in the moment. At the most, people who know me would probably say "HH deals with a bit of anxiety on occasion". 

 

I'm just ready to feel good and normal all the time! I don't mean in a Pollyanna-way, I know life has times full of sadness and anxiety, I just want the NORMAL!

[[63...]]

Bless you Coop....Thanks for the response!

[[Sk...]]

Bless you Coop....Thanks for the response!

 

Robert, sorry to hear you are having it this bad. Do small things to cuddle yourself, every small thing, no matter how insignificant, adds up. Like the Epsom salts. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it even if your brain is telling you the contrary.

And don't worry about venting, it helps shift your focus from your agony. That's what this thead is for.

 

Everybody, I am  having a suddenly bad day. It started well, and now I am wavy. Maybe because I am about to have my period ? Very likely. Arrgh ! Is there no end ?

 

Coop a big hug.

 

HH glad to hear the video had the same effect on you. It was so relieving hearing him describe things I had almost forgotten. The horrid thoughts acute gives us and how hard it is to stand up to them.

 

Oh well, we are getting through somehow.

[[He...]]

Hi Robert,

I got slammed about that time, also. Like you, mine was following a time of thinking this might be over.

 

Can you go back to the basics that got you through acute? For me it was walking every morning, taking Epsom salt baths, drinking a lot of water. It was also about that time that I got my vitamin D level checked and learned it was very low. Come to find out, symptoms of low D can be anxiety and insomnia. I found I felt better when I took D, magnesium, and C.

 

It's important to realize that this can be a marathon to get to the finish line. Just get through each moment, day, week as best you can because each one puts you closer to getting out of this crap. You'll get there! It gets easier, it really does. I gripe and complain and moan about symptoms, but they are NOTHING like they used to be!

 

Hang in there. You've got this.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... well ... I finish month 16 tomorrow (Coop did the math for me  ) ... and had a good reminder for a hour early this morning what this is all about ... a "clear as a bell hour" ...

 

63-Robert ... yeah ... enough already ... I say that quite often ... some days its just a long slow slog towards the end of this journey ... some old things clear up, some new things show up, some old things come back, some of the new things disappear ... round and round on this goofy merry-go-round ...

 

And yep ... we have come so far ... we don't stop now ... nobody gets left behind ...

 

Good to hear some of us are having a good day ... who needs a little head pressure and sinus stuff ... on sale real cheap ... 

 

Have a good days folks ...

[[Sk...]]

Michael, 16 !! WOW !  :yippee:

[[Gr...]]

Green, you are so generous.. "shifting timeline".  Lol. A very nice way of saying, " you off the rails with simple math"...lol I am disappointed to not really be 16.5 months off.. but hopeful that where I am now is good indication of healing by 24 months... you know...in 2 more months.

....Yep, I am with you on the sleep. I don't think I have had such dismal sleep even in acute . I never had sleep issues before benzos...I was a champion sleeper. ..I wake up ( or just get up) with some sx and feeling hung over, but after a few hours it has been burning off rather consistently. Here's to better sleep for al of us.  It would go such a long long way for better days.  coop

 

Hey, Coop, we're on the same track again, symptoms.  I finally have to admit this is seismic wave activity, lol.  I'm stoically putting one foot in front of the other, though.  I saw another ballet last night, and I knew going in that the DP/DR was so heavy I most likely wouldn't have a dim memory of what I had seen.  and I don't .  but life goes on, I just cannot let these sx rob me, I try so hard to ignore them.  It is very challenging, even with lots of positive self talk.  I found myself so heavy in the cog fog last night, wondering if this is it, if I'm going to stay like this.  this being feels like brain has a lot of wide open space in it!  plus other odds and ends.  and not just feeling out of it or stoned, the dp/dr makes me feel very isolated, not part of that flow of human life and energy that everybody else is part of. hard to explain.  still, one foot in front of the other, out the door, keep busy.  else the depression might get me, and that's a dark place I don't want to go

 

feel better everyone.

[[63...]]

Michael, 16 !! WOW !  :yippee:

 

This is HUGE....congrats Michael! Our stories are similar in that we both had been on Klonipin for two decades (27 years in my case) And now, here you are, 16 months off! I'm right behind you by 5.5 months!

 

 

[[ga...]]

Green...I can relate to keeping busy to ward off the depression.  I can't believe how bad I felt at 3 a.m. this morning.  I was consumed with depression until 6 a.m.  Telling myself I don't want to keep living like this, thinking of all the horrible experiences I've endured over the past 10 plus years, the depression and anxiety and so forth and continued worrying about the future and all the horrible things that "could" happen.  Well, now it is noon and I am feeling more or less normal...just very tired due to a lousy night of sleep.  What a friggin roller coaster ride this is.  I haven't had this kind of depression in a long time.  What was that all about and will it continue to rear it's ugly head?  I just am caught up in the waking early in the morning with these nasty thoughts...don't know how or when  it will break,.

[[Co...]]

HH...vent away, this is the whine and cry, rant and rave, and moan and groan place..  I also feel that this is the only place where I can come to wail and gnash my teeth. I don't find support like this any other place. It was only a few weeks ago that Nova posted back and forth with me until the middle of the night when I had a bizarre d/p ....that was before my math skills,revealed themselves as being whacked.

......Me too,.. normal.  just normal. I would be so happy with that.

......Sky....thanks for the link....I read his book.. the medical profession needs to acknowledge that w/d is real .  And benzos should not be prescribed outside of clinical settings. I hope the cloud lifts for you today.....coop

[[He...]]

Hi Green,

I very much relate to what you are saying about NOT letting your symptoms rob you anymore, and about feeling like this is it, as good as it gets. I think these two things go together, in a way. If this IS what I'll be living with for the rest of my life then I better be living DESPITE my symptoms that come and go! I think it's important to live anyway. I can't allow this to ROB me of anymore of my life, fleeting time with my daughters, precious moments and everyday things!

But, it is hard!

I think I run from depression, too.

Love to you!

[[He...]]

HH...vent away, this is the whine and cry, rant and rave, and moan and groan place..  I also feel that this is the only place where I can come to wail and gnash my teeth. I don't find support like this any other place. It was only a few weeks ago that Nova posted back and forth with me until the middle of the night when I had a bizarre d/p ....that was before my math skills,revealed themselves as being whacked.

......Me too,.. normal.  just normal. I would be so happy with that.

......Sky....thanks for the link....I read his book.. the medical profession needs to acknowledge that w/d is real .  And benzos should not be prescribed outside of clinical settings. I hope the cloud lifts for you today.....coop

There is comfort in venting in a safe and understanding place. I guess it helps to release it, somehow, if only for a moment. 

[[Co...]]

Green, yes.. the d/r is crazy. I only had mild infrequent bouts of it. It hit me hard in month 14/15.. Like you, it makes,me feel like I only observing from afar the experience I am living g. It is so freaky. I often wonder if I have a dementia ( especially when I can't add the months of the calender correctly) .  Other times I think I have a mental illness. I really admire you so much for getting out there d/r and all. I read Fliprain's last entry in her progress journal last night. She came through so much and is now feeling completely healed at I think, 22 ...maybe 24 months. She is so inspirational...and a great writer. I agree, staying busy helps so much. The sun is out so bright and beautiful here. It looks like May instead of Feb. I have been out all morning with my dog. I had about 3 hours this morning of effortless mind.  So grateful for that when it comes along.  it is so wonderful to feel normal and happy and clear.. it always makes me cry with gratitude. Now my window is dimming a little.  but 6 months ago I would have been on my knees with gratitude for what now is a dimming down of an effortless mind. . ..We are getting there Green.  All of us are seeing better windows. You are healing. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, HAPPY HAPPY MONTH 17...2 days from now.

....that is just so huge. How any of us get past the first 3 months is a wonder. ...One month closer.. You have traveled so far...and hard. More hours ...and days of clarity and normal are coming your way.  Enjoy your evening Nova.  coop

[[Co...]]

Garton, ...Glad that your morning sx burned off. I have been having a revisit of that ' morning acute' too. Anxiety, health fear, depression and intrusive thoughts. Lately they burn off after a few hours. Sometimes they lift completely into a window. ...Even though we are all still having sx , all of our posts have thread of better healing...  And Spring is coming...it's gotta get better. I was just remembering that last Spring I was so gripped with head pressure, anxiety and d/r that watering the geraniums on my patio was a triumph...seriously it took all my effort to think about and follow through to water the geraniums..trapped inside my cog fog and fear.Now I usually go about all those daily activities in spite of mild d/r with at least some sense of connection and mental energy.  Not going to the ballet on my own yet ....Green you warrior girl, but I think I am feeling pretty close to volunteering in the classroom again.

.......Enjoy your day Garton.  .coop

[[Co...]]

On my way to go have dinner with my grandsons ....and looking forward to watching the cheesy Oscars tonight. 

  ..  I am so appreciative of every single one of you ....thank you for the endless unconditional support.  .coop

[[ga...]]

Coop...Truly and unpredictable path we all are on.  I am tired of the roller coaster ride and all  the ups and downs.  Being depressed over who knows what is hard to swallow.  Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!  I really appreciate all the positive attitude you and others have on this board.  It sure beats the negatives that bounce around in my head.  Hope you're having a good day!

[[Sk...]]

Hi Everyone, I am feeling really bad, my vibrations are very strong, right in my stomach. But at least my heart is not as bad as this afternoon, and that means so much to me.

 

Wish I could watch cheesy oscars, but the time difference is way too much. I need to sleep. My period is about to begin, so I will be needing all the strength in the world. ANd mr Sky, will be needing a pair of earplugs to put up with my ranting ? 

 

I am going to bed now, want to get some reading done. Actually it would be more correct to call it " almost reading " ! My rambling thoughts usually go wild when I try to read a book and I have to insist a little. But yet we manage somehow.

 

so tired of being a hamster on a whell. But don't get me started. 

 

NIght everybody.

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ... a hamster on the wheel ... yes ... after a moderately quiet day my stuff is taking off again ... this does get awful tiresome ... hope you get some good rest ... 

[[dr...]]

Hi all....I went with the attitude of symptoms be damned today and did a hike on the nature trail in Kauai.  The whole thing is 11 miles but my goal was four.  I made it very clear to my gf I would be turning back at some point.  Little did I realize it was a path of rocks up a steep mountainside   my anticipatory anxiety was trying to kick in but I said "screw you...I know I don't feel great, feels like I can't breathe, heart pounds, and legs don't work but they all will be fine".  I made 3 miles total and feel good about it.  Got close to panics but I welcomed it and it never came.  Today I'm fed up with this shit and plowing forward.  Oh....massage soon. 

[[Lo...]]

LM,....I love your list of 'to do' ..or should I say ' will do' . It is so touching that your list revolves around all the things you want to do with your son. ...You will get there. You have come so far. ...Wishing you sunbreaks .. coop

 

Thank you  my son is my heart. I love this little boy to pieces. I will heal from it all...we all will.