12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ... yes, this is really lousy stuff ... I hate being reminded of how tough this stuff can get ... and we just carry on ... sometimes one hour at a time ...

[[ga...]]

Jenny....I can say that overall I am most definitely seeing improvement.  Sleep, morning "blues" and fear of being unable to enjoy life in the future have been the biggest struggles for me.  I am working full time and getting out for my golf game with my friends once a week.  Trying to exercise a few times per week...still very important for my mental well being.  Some days are not that easy especially after minimal sleep, but as always, I push through it.  I truly believe the fears and blues I occasionally experience are not related to the benzo use over the years.  I may be wrong but I really feel this is just how I am wired.  I need to learn coping mechanisms that would allow me to ignore these disturbing feelings that I allow to swirl through my mind.  Life is not so bad but I certainly can bring myself to feeling very low when worrying about potential catastrophies  that could occur in the future.  Seems so ridiculous...I know.  But the good news is that I do feel like I am moving in the right direction just agonizingly slow at times.

 

Best to you and all the others still battling through this stuff.  Keep the faith that it will get better.

[[He...]]

Whiny post alert. Needing to vent.

 

I'm in that place of just feeling overwhelmed by this and pretty convinced I'm dying. My chest pressure, feeling like I can't quite breathe, the head pressure, intermittent sweating and freezing all night long, the continuous wake ups last night....all make me feel like I am not healing, but rather am dying.

 

Rationally I realize that I've had these symptoms off and on for at least 14 months, and overall they are improving, often non-existent. So, wouldn't, if I really were having some kind of heart failure (congestive or other), my symptoms would have gotten progressively worse? And wouldn't the heart monitor I wore registered something?

 

GAH! I just hate this!! I'm just so DONE! I want to scream and cry. We WILL get healthy again, right?  :'(

Sorry for the downer, whiny post. I just needed to vent.

[[No...]]

HH ... for me that is a big part of this ... not remembering how I suffered in the past with this stuff ... always first thinking that this stuff is always new ... always "means something else" ...

 

The narrative I struggle with everyday ... or so it seems ... trying to keep the healing narrative front and centre and let all the other thoughts fall away where they belong ...

 

Vent away, my friend ...

[[Sk...]]

HH, this morning I felt exactly like you and I soo needed to vent. Instead, I cried a lot and then vented, once again with Mr SKy.

 

Now I am slowly feeling better, but you know what ? IT's harder now, end of story. It's harder because we' re exhausted, we have been doing this so long. It's hard waking up every morning in fear to tally symptoms, that are quite scary in the best of situations.

 

Yesterday, for instance I had a really bad moment, that lasted all morning and early afternoon, and then a puppy video on Facebook did the trick and I was ready to fight the monsters again.

 

Here's the thing. When I was feeeling so bad, I did not want to watch that video, so  I think we have to push ourselves to be happy. I could not come here to vent because you guys still have to wake up when here it's morning.

If we can, we should ask a loved one to do that pushing for us, when the darkness is in our minds.

 

Hang in there. Hope I made sense.

[[No...]]

Sky ... "when the darkness is in our minds" ... yes ... marvellously put ... sorry I wasn't around for a while ... it was too dark for a couple of days and I don't trust myself to speak sometimes ...

[[pe...]]

Nova,

I love you. I'm glad you are here now.

 

 

“Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery. ”

― Wendell Berry

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Peace ... hope your weekend gives you the rest you need from this week's fatigue ...

 

Yuk ... I really dislike these multi-day waves ... and ... I always dis-remember the multi-week ones from the past ... so, bottom line, things are getting better ... just need to put some more fuel in my healing engine to keep it from sputtering ...

 

And I thought Rocky Road was an ice cream ... 

[[Co...]]

Nova,....you have my heart friend. Yep, love is what gets us through and you are so loved here. I am sending hugs and wishes for sunbreaks, windows and a leap in healing today.

....I am so muddled and wanting to be done with this that I have accidentally skipped a month in my counting of months off....talk about denial and wishful thinking and cog fog. I jumped on Dec of 2013... Dec 3 of 2014 is one year.  How I got to 16.5 for Feb 2015 is truly some creative math...Don't know how I did that...well, actually I do.. benzo brain

.....Hope that gives you a chuckle Nova.  .I hate it that benzos has done this to you...and all of us. Nova, you have been steadfast and so very mindful through all of this.. you have inspired and encouraged all of for the long haul that this is. I wish you were healed and done, but this site simply would not be what it is without your presence. ...Hoping your wave lifts....love to you....coop

[[Wi...]]

HH ... for me that is a big part of this ... not remembering how I suffered in the past with this stuff ... always first thinking that this stuff is always new ... always "means something else" ...

 

The narrative I struggle with everyday ... or so it seems ... trying to keep the healing narrative front and centre and let all the other thoughts fall away where they belong ...

 

Vent away, my friend ...

I can appreciate this.  For example, to wake up in the morning filled with distress, fear and depression, thinking it has never been this bad, only to later read a journal entry from the past reminding me that not only was it this bad, but worse and not simply upon waking but often starting just after midnight, with such intensity, and lasting through the dark of the night.  I find at least some relief knowing that it's not as bad as it was and knowing that when it was that bad, I still got through it. 

 

 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... yep ... creative math ... fueled by benzo fog ... oh well ...

 

I probably should not have gone out yesterday ... was out for about four hours ... wanted to refill the meat pantry from the market ... and I knew better, yet did it anyway ...

 

Last night and this morning was quite tough ... seems to be "settling down" some ... spent most of my time just doing what I call "keeping my head in the game" ... and just remembering there is no relief until enough time passes for this one ... and then they seem to gradually break down and float away after a while ... this one isn't breaking up yet, but that is the forecast ...

 

Hope you have a good weekend ...

[[Co...]]

Nova,...if only we could remove our heads and leave only our poor hurting skulls in the game...Have a better day Nova....if it's any consolation. , if I go shopping for more than a couple of hours I also get a wave the next day...Hope you are cooking up something good with your restored pantry....sending happy thoughts for you....coop

[[Gr...]]

Nova,....you have my heart friend. Yep, love is what gets us through and you are so loved here. I am sending hugs and wishes for sunbreaks, windows and a leap in healing today.

....I am so muddled and wanting to be done with this that I have accidentally skipped a month in my counting of months off....talk about denial and wishful thinking and cog fog. I jumped on Dec of 2013... Dec 3 of 2014 is one year.  How I got to 16.5 for Feb 2015 is truly some creative math...Don't know how I did that...well, actually I do.. benzo brain

.....Hope that gives you a chuckle Nova.  .I hate it that benzos has done this to you...and all of us. Nova, you have been steadfast and so very mindful through all of this.. you have inspired and encouraged all of for the long haul that this is. I wish you were healed and done, but this site simply would not be what it is without your presence. ...Hoping your wave lifts....love to you....coop

 

I noticed your jump date seemed to shift a little, sometimes before me, sometimes after.  but you were really inhaling powder at the end, so you could probably count it either way.

 

sleep is bad again, but like Gart and Jrod, things are slowly getting better.  operative word, slowly   feel better everyone.

[[be...]]

HH, yes ma'am!! You're not alone, love.

 

And (((((JRod))))) How goes, bud? Its good to see you again I hope you're feeling better? Miss hearing from you

 

Anybody heard from FreedofV lately? Been thinking about her

.

Just resting after a full day. Wave broke this afternoon ~ hooray! Its been about 3-4 weeks, so I am glad for the reprieve. Mr & I are traveling to see our baby niece this weekend, so we're looking forward to that!!

 

TGIF to you, gang

 

Mrs.

 

Hey Mrs. I read a couple of posts from Freeofv on the protracted thread a few days ago.

[[Co...]]

HH,...yep...in an 'acute' like wave I am convinced that I am dying and my thoughts loop with dark wierd thoughts of death. In a window I am happy and normal and full of thoughts about everything I want to do . .....If your heart fears are causing mental agony without much let up you can ask for an echo cardiogram....completely non-invasive. I have steeled myself from running to the doctor for every sx and asking for tests, but I have had 2 different cardiologist evaluations...both were very good but it went so far in reassuring through the waves that followed. I still worry and have health fears with tough waves, but it gives me one more thing in my arsenal against the Benzo beast...Vent away HH, that's what we are here for....to help each other through the dark places. ....I hope you feel better through the day....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, you are so generous.. "shifting timeline".  Lol. A very nice way of saying, " you off the rails with simple math"...lol I am disappointed to not really be 16.5 months off.. but hopeful that where I am now is good indication of healing by 24 months... you know...in 2 more months.

....Yep, I am with you on the sleep. I don't think I have had such dismal sleep even in acute . I never had sleep issues before benzos...I was a champion sleeper. ..I wake up ( or just get up) with some sx and feeling hung over, but after a few hours it has been burning off rather consistently. Here's to better sleep for al of us.  It would go such a long long way for better days.  coop

[[Co...]]

GMIT,...good news on the house.  So glad you are at an ending place with the house issues. You are sounding so good...are you feeling healed at this point...I hope so. Your strong posts help us believe that this will end for all of us.  Happy moving.  coop

[[Co...]]

Good morning 12-18 month buddies,

.....

I have been thinking about Drew on his vacation and it started me thinking about all the things I look forward to doing after healing. I would love to hear what all of us are looking forward to. For me ...it isn't so much the big things.. it's so many of the little daily pleasures.

.....I want to order a regular latte.  When this is over I am going to go out for lattes every day. I want to go to my grandons' classrooms without thinking twice ( I feel this kind of on the horizon) I want to sleep like I used to...like a lazy kitty in a sunny window. I want to to yoga class without worry and enjoy the socialization that happens there. I want to go to a play and a concert with no more thought than happy anticipation. Most of all I want to look forward to the rest of my lif with thoughts of all the things that lie in front of me...not every other day death doom ...I know we are all going to get our lives back just like Minnie and Lostdog and Eli..  ...ok....your turn.  Happy thoughts ...coop

[[dr...]]

Awwww coop....I'm thinking the same things.....the plane trip out here was bumpy as hell but luckily that is one fear I dont have .    My sinuses and eyes have been "off" for the last three days and finally it all made sense at dinner last night.  I got the wavy vision thingies that tell me a migraine is on the way.  I remained calm but it still sucks.  .  I want to be able to really go out and do things but my head just feels wobbly w lots of Boatiness.  Luckily I don't get the really bad pain but the other symptoms like the sinus and full head are enough. 

  It is absolutely georgeous here and I'm reading naked in a robe on the balcony   Luckily, it's private!  Views of mountains and roosters doing their noisy thing in the background.  I dont need to do much but I would really like to participate w my gf in activities.  Well....I'd really like to ENJOY them like coop said.  Not just go through the motions. 

    I also wonder at times will I always be like this?  I never had migraine every two weeks before this so I assume not on that front.  My therapist though says most of my "pains, fatigue, and aches are pschyosamatic.  The pain is real but caused by my thoughts according to him.  I'm not sure I agree w him but he does add good perspective on other items.  I guess I just don't know what to think and I'm a bit lost right now.  Is my wave from me causing it or is it my receptors recovering.  So confused!   will I improve from here or is it just going to be periods of peace interrupted by bad waves which are caused by my tthoughts/anxieties.  Grrr...brains in waves are not our friends

Don't have time to read posts but did want to check iin and post my thoughts.

[[Sk...]]

Coop, I will write the things I want to get back to as soon as I finish dinner. AS you can imagine it is a long list.

 

For now, you have to watch this interview from Mad in America. Matt samet, decribes Benzo wd so well, he describes w hat we risked, how we  have been hurt, so well. YOu really must watch this. http://www.madinamerica.com/2013/05/matt-samet-climbing-out/

 

We are in this all day, every day, we forget perspective, how truly awful it is, how huge the implications of what happened are. He explains all these issues so well, for a second I felt vindicated and validated, both things I have been missing all along.

[[He...]]

ALOHA, Drew!!! I'm excited for you and I hope your symptoms hold off while you are there.

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Coop that was great! I can't wait to be able to run again, dance, perform spoken word, do a book tour to things like traveling, taking my son to story time, teaching him how to shoot hoops, go to shows and really enjoy them!!!

 

So much I wanna do!

 

How about a simple walk, no boatiness, no anxiety, no fatigue! Buy a Chai tea latte or Frappacino!

 

Go back to school.

 

Finally... I wanna take my son to Sesame Place and parks like that.

 

Oh and Hawaii is calling my name! Aloha Drew!

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... just about 4 AM here ... been awake for a hour after some six hours of sleep ... had about an hour of "clear as a bell" ... then, like getting dressed, or getting into this morning's rhythm, I watched and waited for this morning's "settling in" ...

 

Sort of like observing my "healing" waking up from the night's rest ... a little of this and a little of that ... out of the night's stillness the morning's dance of healing emerges ... today's "weather" ...

 

Wishing us all a "good" Sunday ... 

[[Co...]]

Good morning to you Nova,...Glad to hear you caught a little sunbeam.  Those moments of clarity are good signs of healing I think. ...6 hours of sleep...nice. I am having a pretty decent week as it turns out. Sleep still evades me, but if the head pressure stays away I can deal with insomnia.

.....I hope you open up into a sunny day...One day closer we are....I look back to last year and many things are much better, but oddly...some things have not changed much or are new or worse... ( body pain is worse but I deal with body pain much better than mental sx)

....Have a good day my friend.....coop

[[Co...]]

LM,....I love your list of 'to do' ..or should I say ' will do' . It is so touching that your list revolves around all the things you want to do with your son. ...You will get there. You have come so far. ...Wishing you sunbreaks .. coop