12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Jenny,....Glad to hear that your little boy is ok. I have panics too at the physician's office. I can't even go for blood work anymire....same with the dentist and physical therapy. I have to go to the dentist in April...uugghh...

....I think it is very common w/d.  Add to that a child who is having breathing difficulty .  No wonder.  I hope your anxiety is letting up . ...coop

[[dr...]]

We are quite the crew today!

 

Another day in the books.  :smitten:

[[Aq...]]

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. Yep Drew, another day. Hoping tomorrow is better!

[[mr...]]

Hi gang,

 

Just stopping by and trying to catch up a bit here.

 

Drew - my heartrate was between 90-105 at rest for about 3-4 months - so I had to giggle a bit tonight when you called that "racing" My resting heartrate is much better now, between 80-90bpm. It will return to pre-benzo status, at 60-70bpm. More time & healing

 

Jenny, what you experienced is nothing more than a sensitized system responding to some stress. Anxiety is no fun to experience, of course - but it can't hurt you, and you handled it like a champ. When anxiety is high, it is usually something that just gets "ridden out" - the wild thoughts, & "crazy" feelings, are just from a lil adrenaline & cortisol. It "burns" off, and you come back to baseline You just get to "enjoy" the "ride" until it ends Are you feeling better now? I sure hope so Thinking of you

 

Coop, keep hanging loose through the "soup". Its going to burn off soon, love

 

Green, Sky, HH, Nova, Aqua, and everyone else...thinking of you also We are doing this - despite the "benzo voices" that try to say otherwise Love to you all, and sleep well tonight

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Too funny mrs!  I think my rational brain is starting to take over.  I'm now thinking even if it's something besides benzo (which I'm not worried about it being at this moment)...it wouldn't kill me. 

 

All of us with health anxiety must remember we don't die that easily.    Most of us would be dead already going through this madness if our bodies weren't an incredible machine that knows how to survive.  Yes, we hear about things happening randomly to people but it makes the news or is so rare that's why we hear about it.  Hope this helps to keep it in perspective.

 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hey Green, ...that's exactly the wave I am trying to crawl out from under. It's ben a good 7-10 days with some sunbeams and sunbreaks that dI don't hold. It has been trying to roll back out for a couple of days. Feeling that it might be letting up , but who knows. I had that deep fatigue and feeling that I was stoned and d/r.  Very wierd. My daughter who is 21 is around me enough to know too when I am locked away in my head. She says, ".  Mom!.  Surface!".  Lol.....

......Green, this has been a long one with new sx or old ones that have been long gone.  But it is getting better. 7/8 more months and benzo beast will be a puddle on the ground.  I am with you all the way.  ..feel better Green...coop

 

Coop, I'm always amazed that you and some others can keep track of how long things go on.  I get so out of it when this happens, I must go on autopilot, because I have no idea when this started. I do know I'm having trouble remember the whole day, the last couple of days -- I mean I do, but it really does feel like a dense fog.  Well, thank God we all kind of get all the same stuff at about the same time.  Yes, Coop, I'm hoping this passes soon for us.

[[Gr...]]

Well guys I had a serious bout of anxiety today. My oldest son has been having breathing issues, so I took him to the Dr today. I could feel my anxiety building all afternoon-- just the thought of being in a Dr office stresses me out. Then I started having some irrational thoughts that my son might have something seriously wrong with him. As I was sitting in the tiny room waiting for the Dr, my anxiety was sky high and I couldn't calm myself down, I was doing the breathing and everything but nothing was working. I can't believe I got this crazy over a Dr appt that wasn't even for me! So sick of this! Sorry you guys are dealing with the health fear stuff, I had a taste of it today with my son and its no fun.

 

Jenny, I'm sorry you had to go through that.  It's like the irrational fears are sitting in our minds waiting for some mundane, every day situation, to jump out and scare us to death.  I hope your son's breathing issue has been dealt with. 

 

Don't you live in Las Vegas?

[[No...]]

Good Morning Folks ... sorry I didn't come on last evening ... was trying to catch up on my recorded tv programs ...

 

Hmmm ... for years my heart rate was usually in the high 80s and 90s ... came down occasionally, but that is where it lived ... over the past few months I have noticed it coming down to the 70s and 80s ...

 

Now why is that ... the only response I have is that it is reflecting my relationship with the drug and my healing ...

 

For a long time I was an obsessive "monitor" of things bp and hr ... actually encouraged by the docs for a while ... now ... nope ... just don't do it anymore ... sometimes I want to ... I think I need to ... and I don't ... the only thing I am concerned about is the bp medication I am taking ... nasty but necessary stuff for another while yet ... as I get further along and as I lose the extra weight I am carrying I will adjust the meds accordingly ...

 

My concern now is to be aware of the meds lowering my bp too far as they become too much for me ... I will monitor this ... that is all the monitoring I am willing to do now ... I track this every couple of weeks ... as my weight is moving slowly there is no urgency here ...

 

We are all unique ... my challenge is to be aware of my body's rhythms as best I can as I get further along the road of recovery ... I was on the drug so long that I lost connection with this rhythm ... this is now part of my re-entry work ...

 

Hope we all have a good Tuesday ...

 

[[No...]]

Exercise ... hmmm ... on good days, and probably on not so good days, my body wants to move ... needs to move ... should move ...

 

And we all live in different environments, different climates, with different likes and dislikes ... and different physical issues ... so ...

 

Apart from wanting to hoot and holler right now when I hear about clear sunny skies and 70 F weather ... I won't mention any names ... I am restricted at this time of year as to what I can do outside ... so I do what I can do within the constraints of my healing and this local winter environment ...

 

And ... as we all have experienced, we never know what to expect day to day ... some days it seems I can walk or move forever ... other days I get tight and sore and restrained after a couple of minutes ... that seems to be my healing talking ... I can only accept that for now and carry on ...

 

Here is something I keep in mind ... it is called the 70% rule ... a little awareness demonstration ...

 

From any posture ... extend one arm straight out ... way out ... stretch as far as you can without pain ... straight arm, straight elbow, fingers extended ... take a moment or two to feel this and be aware of what it feels like ... setting up a memory of this feeling ... now ... gently ... release your elbow ... it will probably drop a little and move slightly downward and outward ... your forearm and hand will come a little towards you ... hold that for a bit ... be aware of what it feels like ... setting up another memory of this feeling ...

 

For me, that is the distinction, the awareness, between 100% and 70% ... I can feel it ... I know where it is ...

 

And, as I practice whatever exercise regimen I am using ... in time, the 70% boundary shifts ... it is not constant, not a barrier, just an edge that exists in this moment ...

 

And ... everything I know and understand is this ... healing, toning, loosening up, all the good stuff takes place in the 70% realm ... more than that and stress occurs ... less than that and not much happens ... and I can find this place for any part of my body ... using this guideline, slowly and gently, with much patience, things are improving for me ...

 

And yes there are many theories and practices regarding exercise ... so be it ... this one works for me ... and has worked for many using traditional practices for a very long time ...

 

So whatever your exercise pleasure ... have fun with it ... our bodies love to move ... and perhaps the 70% rule might be helpful for you ...

 

Be Well ...

 

 

[[No...]]

I find it curious that family members can know when some of you are in the symptom soup ... my wife says she cannot tell by looking at me when I am down and out ...

 

She says the sure sign that I am uncomfortable is my constant moving around ... akathisia I guess ... perhaps I have learned to mask my feeling to well over all these years ...

 

Just an observation ...

[[He...]]

I'm in the soup. Horrid night. 

 

 

 

[[sa...]]

HH -- Hope you are feeling better this morning. Sometimes I wake up a new person, good or bad. Strange what happens when we sleep. I'm here at work in a DR/DP fog. Anxiety is raging. I feel totally outside my self like this all a tv show going on around me.

 

11 day wave is really wearing on me. I'm beginning to lose hope that I will be cured in 18 months like I hoped. I saw a Utube video of a girl that had it like me with the nausea and vomiting and she was better at month 16. That's what I was hoping for. I'm almost 15 months and don't feel like the healing is close. Actually feels much farther away than a couple months ago.

[[Sk...]]

Green, thanks for your rah rah ...you are right, the comparison  game is a ride on the highway to depression. ...Today I am more sure again of the healing taking place underneath the sx.  8 more months.  A lot of good can happen in 8 months.  Ha ginger on to that.  How are you doing today...I hope your fatigue is better . This is what I know, ...you are going to be on bike hikes again when you are ready and I will be back in my grandson's classroom when I am ready.  We are not done living yet.  There is much goodness and life for all of us at the end of this travel.  ...like you and Nova say.  until then chop wood carry water.  ..sigh.  coop

 

Hey, Coop

 

actually I had a pretty rough day today.  The DP/DR, fatigue, revving, and intrusive thoughts, I guess?  I think weird, I get weird. My sons stare at me and want to know what's wrong, apparently I have a very odd look on my face.  why not, I have very odd shit going on inside my head :idiot:

 

Hoping this breaks for us all soon

 

Mr Sky can tell if I am having intrusives by just looking at me !! But he has such a hard time coming to grips with it.

 

I am sorry to see there are so many of you online now. Not a good sign at all.

 

yesterday, I wasn't online, was busy having a good time with my buddies palps and vibes ! Sooo scared, I just held my teddy bear tight. Mr sky consulted google once more, because palps freak HIM out, but we have done every trick in the book, taken every herbal tea and used every trick. Just had to wait it out.

 

Today, it is a lovely day and I am feeling so much better. I want to jump and play, do some exercise, but I much chill, and relax, those days will come for me too !

 

I was always a little lazy about exercise. But now, it's the forbidden fruit, and I so want to do it. I promise, when I get well, I will do exercise every day and relish it. I can't wait.! You just wait and see !

 

Today, we are going to for a spin in the big city, Modena. Just a walk to enjoy the sun and warm day. I have no lessons today and I want to take advantage of it, I spend so much time at home.

Everybody, heal on.

[[sa...]]

Sky - My son, who is ten years old, can always tell when I'm in at wave. He says I get frowny face and I stare at the ground not making eye contact. People we know are on to our expressions when we don't feel good, but everyone else thinks we are just fine. Maybe a little aloof.

[[Sk...]]

Sasquatch, your son must be one tough kid, you are so lucky, or maybe he simply takes after his dad. 

 

Sorry you are in a wave, who would have thought that we could feel this bad this far out. yes, I can see this taking a long time, most of my days are wavy and I am almost at 16 months out. It's insane.

 

HAng in there, we are going to get better and we will be better people and make up for " lost time " with our loved ones who are so supportive . 

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning Folks ... sorry I didn't come on last evening ... was trying to catch up on my recorded tv programs ...

 

Hmmm ... for years my heart rate was usually in the high 80s and 90s ... came down occasionally, but that is where it lived ... over the past few months I have noticed it coming down to the 70s and 80s ...

 

Now why is that ... the only response I have is that it is reflecting my relationship with the drug and my healing ...

 

For a long time I was an obsessive "monitor" of things bp and hr ... actually encouraged by the docs for a while ... now ... nope ... just don't do it anymore ... sometimes I want to ... I think I need to ... and I don't ... the only thing I am concerned about is the bp medication I am taking ... nasty but necessary stuff for another while yet ... as I get further along and as I lose the extra weight I am carrying I will adjust the meds accordingly ...

 

My concern now is to be aware of the meds lowering my bp too far as they become too much for me ... I will monitor this ... that is all the monitoring I am willing to do now ... I track this every couple of weeks ... as my weight is moving slowly there is no urgency here ...

 

We are all unique ... my challenge is to be aware of my body's rhythms as best I can as I get further along the road of recovery ... I was on the drug so long that I lost connection with this rhythm ... this is now part of my re-entry work ...

 

Hope we all have a good Tuesday ...

 

Hey, Nova,, why am I not surprised your vitals are improving?  I've read stories here where people get of the benzo and start to come off of everything else, so, yes, that's proof positive of the damage benzos do.  We are still struggling with w/d sx so we're not yet fully able to appreciate the magnitude of how happy we're going to be that we did this.  I was having so many health problems, I went to doctors all the time!  Since benzo free, just checkups.  I swear the doctors are disappointed.  Glad o hear you're doing better.

[[Gr...]]

Sky - My son, who is ten years old, can always tell when I'm in at wave. He says I get frowny face and I stare at the ground not making eye contact. People we know are on to our expressions when we don't feel good, but everyone else thinks we are just fine. Maybe a little aloof.

 

Ditto, I get the frown face, I can feel it, and I get emotionally aloof, I think that's DP/DR

[[No...]]

Sasquach ... these post one year months can be tough on us ... you have probably noticed that on this thread ...

 

For me, there can be no timeline for healing ... it will be what it is ... yes, we get encouragement from success stories ... encouragement that everybody heals ... that is where my hope comes from ... nobody gets left behind ...

 

I cannot compare myself with anyone else ... we are all utterly unique ... our personal histories ... our genetics ... our use of the drug(s) ... everything is unique ...

 

What we do have in common is our journey to recover from the drug(s) ... our steadfastness ... our willingness to renew the possibilities of our lives ... and our knowledge that we will heal ...

 

And this work is very hard ... it messes with all our expectations and resources ... and it messes with our sense of self ...

 

I get confused ... discouraged ... some days utterly fed up with this whole process ... I start to feel I am slipping away from myself ... losing my context ... losing my place in the here and now ... and then, again, for the umpteenth time I catch a break ... I come back to my centre ... I come home for a while ... and I see ... I feel ... I know why I am doing this ...

 

I am doing this for myself ... and for all the possibilities my life holds ... and for another while that is enough to see me through the next stretch ...

 

And I, we, do this time after time ... until we do not have to do it anymore ... whenever that is ...

 

We just keep going ... one day at a time ...

 

I believe, when all is said and done ... the symptoms, the doubt, the confusion ... these are all just sideline stuff ... what really matters, where the meaning lies ... we chose to do this work ... for ourselves, our families, our community ... we are already a success ... the endgame of healing is just the icing on the cake ...

 

Yes, I yearn for this to be over ... and it will be over sometime ... I contracted with myself to heal ... I will see this through wherever it takes me ... and I believe this is true for all of us ...

 

Being kind, especially with ourselves ... being accepting in the moment ... these will help see us through ...

 

Be Well ... 

[[sa...]]

Nova -- I think since my wife got diagnosed with cancer, my benzo brain is if full fear mode and I think it's prompting me to put timelines on this, thinking that I have to get better so I can take her to the doctors, take care of a disabled child, get a better job, so I can support the family. It's all just there waiting. I just want to live life with her while she can enjoy.

 

My fear is that she gets bad while I'm still sick. I couldn't handle that both emotionally and financially. My mind keeps swirling with this thinking. Total fear based. I get so excited when I'm in a week or two of feeling good and start planning like nothing is wrong. This always blows up in my face. But I can't help it. I get sucked into the lie each time.

 

My wife wants to take my son to Disney in May. I thought back in Nov, that I may be able to do that, but now as it is approaching, I'm thinking I may not be able to go. Still sick with Nausea daily. I have tried to put it off before, so I don't know if I can again. I would hate to miss such a vacation and time to build up some good memories.

 

I'm trying to be patient, but can't shake the fact that I'm  loosing out in many ways and life is passing me by. The clock is ticking for my wife and I'm pretty useless to her in my current state. It's frustrating as you know, but what choice to we have. This illness cares not of our circumstances and will be done with it's ready. I just hope it's in this year, not years from now.

[[No...]]

Sasquach ... hmmm ... bless you for sharing your story ... and I hear your pain and confusion and desires ...

 

If I am off base here just give me a konk on the noggin' and I will quiet down for a while ...

 

You are okay ... yep ... you are okay ... you have it together ... you know what your desires are ...

 

Your recovery will continue no matter what you do in the meantime ... as is true for all of us ... and you will recover from your journey with the drug(s) ... okay ... we all know that ... so ...

 

The circumstances of others dear to you may be time limited ... so ... you go to Disneyland ... yep ... you just go ... whatever symptoms are still present for you ... you have this gift to give ... and many, many others ...

 

And ... no matter how nauseous, woobly, confused, doubtful, or whatever general mayhem may be playing for you in the moment ... you can go ... your choice ... you can create this ...

 

I so dislike telling others what to do ... I apologize ...

 

As the old song goes ... you pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile ... on your way to Disneyland ... 

 

My friend ... this trip does not have to be perfect ... it just has to be ...

 

Besides ... perfection is highly overrated ... and very boring ...

 

[[Gr...]]

Green, thanks for your rah rah ...you are right, the comparison  game is a ride on the highway to depression. ...Today I am more sure again of the healing taking place underneath the sx.  8 more months.  A lot of good can happen in 8 months.  Ha ginger on to that.  How are you doing today...I hope your fatigue is better . This is what I know, ...you are going to be on bike hikes again when you are ready and I will be back in my grandson's classroom when I am ready.  We are not done living yet.  There is much goodness and life for all of us at the end of this travel.  ...like you and Nova say.  until then chop wood carry water.  ..sigh.  coop

.

Enjoy your day sky. I would love to see Modena some day. Balsamic vinegar and historical?

Hey, Coop

 

actually I had a pretty rough day today.  The DP/DR, fatigue, revving, and intrusive thoughts, I guess?  I think weird, I get weird. My sons stare at me and want to know what's wrong, apparently I have a very odd look on my face.  why not, I have very odd shit going on inside my head :idiot:

 

Hoping this breaks for us all soon

 

Mr Sky can tell if I am having intrusives by just looking at me !! But he has such a hard time coming to grips with it.

 

I am sorry to see there are so many of you online now. Not a good sign at all.

 

yesterday, I wasn't online, was busy having a good time with my buddies palps and vibes ! Sooo scared, I just held my teddy bear tight. Mr sky consulted google once more, because palps freak HIM out, but we have done every trick in the book, taken every herbal tea and used every trick. Just had to wait it out.

 

Today, it is a lovely day and I am feeling so much better. I want to jump and play, do some exercise, but I much chill, and relax, those days will come for me too !

 

I was always a little lazy about exercise. But now, it's the forbidden fruit, and I so want to do it. I promise, when I get well, I will do exercise every day and relish it. I can't wait.! You just wait and see !

 

Today, we are going to for a spin in the big city, Modena. Just a walk to enjoy the sun and warm day. I have no lessons today and I want to take advantage of it, I spend so much time at home.

Everybody, heal on.

[[dr...]]

Not much action here which I'm hoping is a good sign.  My day started out w a bit of head stuff but I took two Advil.  Amazingly my chest discomfort was way less.  also my resting HR was 71 upon waking(that was with morning funk so I'm happy)

 

    I did a light workout and did NOT push myself. i then got dizzy relaxing in the hot tub which brought on an adrenaline rush which I let pass.  I had such a strong flight response to leave work and cxl my 3pm appt which I didnt.  I just did the breathing, self talk, and thirty minute blocks of time.  By the time the appt rolled around I wasn't great but I did great in the appt.  those things are taxing. Home now exhausted but I'm off to sushi...or takeout. 

 

Another day in the books.  We are all one day closer to being healed. 

[[Co...]]

Nova, your post was so beautiful and inspiring. You never fail to help us see the big picture with encouragement and hope. You are so right ,we are all on solitary vision quest of sorts with wonderful sojourners to walk with.

....I am so glad to hear that your b/p and body conditioning are falling into place at thier own pace. I keep procrastinating with regular dedicated body conditioning other than gentle toga. .and that is sporatic. ...So tomorrow is another day to recommit . ....Nice to see you here today.  Glad you caught up on recordings.  Wishing you a peaceful night. ....coop

[[Co...]]

SKY,....so happy to hear that your palps gave it up and you went out walking. We had a very uncharacteristically bright and sunny day here in the PNW today. I also had a much better day and was outside for hours with my dog. ...

.....It is wonderful to enjoy something as normal and simple as walking in the sun. I am wishing you more sunbreaks and windows tomorrow....coop

.....DREW....Sounds like you are plowing out of the peak of your wave. So glad to hear that your hr is back to normal. Dizziness and anxiety has chased me all the way through. I think for me, the anxiety plays off the dizziness. You are so determined to hold your own with sx. It is really hard to fight down that ' I just want to leave' impulse. Months 10-12 had acute sx all the way through for me and Green...and then things gradually started turning.. ..I hope your wave and left over anxiety is gone now...Have fun out and about this evening....coop

[[Co...]]

HH,...are you out of the soup? ...not fun floating around with all the parsley and sx. .. I hope your day was better. Soup weather is almost over.  Time for strawberries and icecream..

.....hope you have a restful night...and wake up to more healing in the morning....coop