12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Good morning Sky and Nova,

 

Benzo Christmas, indeed. I'm pretty sure I must have gotten hit by a large truck and repeatedly run over on my walk yesterday for how sore I am this morning.   

 

I'll have to be easing back in to regular exercise a bit slower, I guess.

 

I'm sorry to hear you both are feeling it this morning. One day we will be through this mess.

 

 

Yes HH...this exercise thing stinks.  I have to slow my reentry down on it.  I haven't exercised since last week because I was so sore.  I try and do some gentle stuff but I do like to push on exercise but I pay every time.  I also stood on stage for about three hours the other night and my feet and calves were so sore the next day it was insane.  If I didn't know this was a symptom I'd be way more worried.

 

It really does, Drew. I really am sore today from just a 2 1/2 mile walk and it really sucks. I don't know if it's best to go for a short, slow walk today or take it completely off. Normally a light workout helps sore muscles....but there is nothing normal about this.

 

When is your Hawaii trip? How do you deal with the flight, or are you not afraid of flying? I could use some tips for my upcoming trip.

[[Gr...]]

Green....lol...funny you should ask me about volunteering in my grandson's classroom. Such a simple thing...I used to do it without thinking twice except to anticipate it with happinesz. Nothing compared to planning a bike trip...Exactly like your story....I have had about 5 ' start' times...6 months, out, 9 months out, surely by 12 months...definitely by Valentines Day. I have gone exactly once right before Halloween. I was gripped with dissociation the entire time. Last week I had to cancel a simple movie due to acute like sx. I cant even find the words to describe how bad I feel on days when sx stop me in my tracks. Whole others are pulling up thier big girl panties and going to work. ..having said all of that. I agree, paying for a trip that may end up being full of stress is not worth it. After volunteering in my grandson's classroom and not enjoying one second of it I decided to trust my intuition and dump the guilt ...I really believe that I will know when it's time to go back. I have window days in which I feel like I could go back on that day just like I used to...without a second thought...I feel it like I know my own name. I can't go on a whim on a good day because it has to be arranged a week in advance with the teacher. ...I have let go of it knowing that it will happen when it happens. I have to trust that . That's not to say that I am not getting out there when I can, but I am doing open ended things that don't stress me out. Shopping. ..meeting friends for coffee, making short outing dates with my grandsons, having lunch with my daughter...basically living like an 85 year old ...but I honestly believe it will get better . I am not happy with this 'go easily' 1 step forward 2 steps backwards approach, but it is hard enough I don't have the grit to add stress to it. .  I get tired too...sometimes for no good reason. This fatigue just washes over me . ..I have basically resigned myself to take each day on its own until month 24. I love Drew's advice of ...put off health fear until month 24, I am applying that to expectations and feeling guilty about not getting out there. As well, like you said...we are still early in year 2. From the beginning I have tried to hurry this healing along...so far that hasn't helped me out at all. I realize that I have the luxury of taking my time to re-enter as I am retired and can take each day on its own without serious disapp ointment to anyone but me and the dog. ....You might be reliably great by April..or not and 'not' is okay. I am finally at a point where I can go through an entire movie in a theater and enjoy most or all of it . That doesn't seem like a lot, but last year I couldn't even consider it. I am trying to think about all the small things I can do now that I couldn't do at all last year. ...and I believe because I borrow faith in this process from all the BBS here that by 35 months I will be doing much more than I am doing now. 

.....thank you Green for being on this thread with us. ...coop

 

Coop, do not further torment yourself (while others pull up big girl panties and...) do not dare do that to yourself.  This is soo subjective, our symptoms, how we heal, how we cope, what we're able to do, our level of function.  The minute I go into comparison, who's working, who's hiking, who's flying, it's like shooting my healing in the foot.  Sometimes we feel helpless and hopeless because the withdrawal symptoms are so brutal, relentless, unprovoked  -- remember Lostdog writing he felt like there was some alien supernatural being that was torturing him?  so it's understandable we lose hope.  but don't.  remember in windows how confident and assured you are?  That's who you are, and you will be that person again.  chop wood, carry water.

[[dr...]]

HH-I too wonder whether an even "lighter" recovery walk/workout is beneficial.  I just don't know.  It's 75 degrees here right now so I'm going to do a bike ride.  An easy one.

 

My panic during freeway driving and airplanes is gone. I get some panic in airports but I just now power through it now that I know my heart is healthy.  Remember, my last trip I ended up in the ER because of chest pains at the airport.  Those damn pains never left me. 

[[dr...]]

Well...I just did something not smart. 

 

I was taking a route on my "leisurely" bike ride I never took before. I was having leg tiredness, soreness, and the trouble breathing well but I pushed a bit. It turned into a big climb straight up.  I went a bit and then turned around but the damage was done. My hr spike to 175.  I got dizzy and a lightning fast wave hit me where it feels like your stomach is falling out. I got scared and walked the last bit to my house.  Wasn't really adding the second fear though.  It took about twenty minutes for my hr to drop below 150.  I did some mindfulness and showered to relax. One hour later hr still in hgh 90's.  Been here before. Not worried but uncomfortable.

 

What I am starting to get worried about is how hard it is for me to breathe. I feel almost asmathic or something.  With the chest tightness(especially in Sternum) I wonder what's going on. I never had any issues before I jumped and it seems to be getting worse.  I don't feel like going down the rabbit hole of tests so anyone who has anything like this would put my mind at ease.

[[Lo...]]

Well...I just did something not smart. 

 

I was taking a route on my "leisurely" bike ride I never took before. I was having leg tiredness, soreness, and the trouble breathing well but I pushed a bit. It turned into a big climb straight up.  I went a bit and then turned around but the damage was done. My hr spike to 175.  I got dizzy and a lightning fast wave hit me where it feels like your stomach is falling out. I got scared and walked the last bit to my house.  Wasn't really adding the second fear though.  It took about twenty minutes for my hr to drop below 150.  I did some mindfulness and showered to relax. One hour later hr still in hgh 90's.  Been here before. Not worried but uncomfortable.

 

What I am starting to get worried about is how hard it is for me to breathe. I feel almost asmathic or something.  With the chest tightness(especially in Sternum) I wonder what's going on. I never had any issues before I jumped and it seems to be getting worse.  I don't feel like going down the rabbit hole of tests so anyone who has anything like this would put my mind at ease.

 

Drew its a hard symptom. GABA receptors are everywhere...even airways. My nutritionist said a lot of dark fruits and straight juices help open things up. Blueberries, strawberries, pomegranate... there are juices by Zola and Knudsen. Blueberry, cranberry, pomegranate, tart cherry.

 

Licorice root tea is great for breathing stuff. Alvita makes a great one.

 

I learned on here to take deep slow breaths and breathe out slowly. It does help.

 

This symptom was with me with Lyme, it calmed down a lot until I jumped. This past month has been tough.

 

There are some juicing recipes that help oxygenate the body.

 

We will get through it. This symptom will pass.

[[Aq...]]

Guys, I just needed to vent.  I'm sorry, I don't really have anyone else to talk to.  I feel like the last week has just been building up to another terrible acute-like wave.  I just don't know if I can handle it again.  I got a small break about a month ago but it's rearing its head bad again.  The ear pressure and dizziness are so bad I almost lost consciousness today at work.  I started to get that tunnel vision and nearly blacked out.  The crazy thing is, is that I woke up this morning not feeling my typical groggy, full head symptoms.  They just built up as the day has gone one to something awful.  Ughh, it just feel like it will never end. I need a real break, as I know all of you do!! 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Drew, so sorry that happened to you. A hr of p

90 is not where we want things to be, but mine goes there every time I go to the doctor aND he says it is a very normal hr for anxiety /nervousness. Mine sometimes hangs around at 80 on a moderately wavy day at home. ...I also had a mini panic last night with some breathing sx ( another new sx for me)...my anxiety lasted about 4 hours with d/r.  then it just went away on its own out of the blue. ...I think you did all the right things to back down your anxiety. .  Do you think it could have been an anxiety 'loop'  where you noticed your fatigue and hr and then things took off?  That happens to me all the time with dizziness . .the second I am aware of it on zooming into a panic that stuns me until I can deep breathe . The fact that your hr settled even while you were still feeling some anxiety is really reassuring....take care Drew.. are you feeling better now?..  coop

[[je...]]

Hi Drew,

 

The breathing stuff can get quite scary.. I'm having a bit of it this morning myself. Just try and take slow, deep breathes, maybe do some meditation.. It will pass, your gonna be fine. LM- thanks for sharing that info about the gabba receptors being in the lungs-- that is helping to reassure me as well.

 

Feel better, jenny 

[[He...]]

Drew, I get the breathing thing, too. It feels like I can't quite take a deep breath, sometimes like I have a weight on my chest. It comes and goes with my waves. I've got it right now and feeling quite sorry for myself.

 

Thanks, LM, for the info you shared!

 

Aquaval, I'm sorry you are getting slammed. I understand your need to vent and get support! This is such a long and scary process. Such a bummer that the day you wake up without the morning yuck, it sneaks up and catches you anyway.  One day this will be over.

 

HH

[[Lo...]]

Drew, I get the breathing thing, too. It feels like I can't quite take a deep breath, sometimes like I have a weight on my chest. It comes and goes with my waves. I've got it right now and feeling quite sorry for myself.

 

Thanks, LM, for the info you shared!

 

Aquaval, I'm sorry you are getting slammed. I understand your need to vent and get support! This is such a long and scary process. Such a bummer that the day you wake up without the morning yuck, it sneaks up and catches you anyway.  One day this will be over.

 

HH

 

You're welcome! Anything I can do to help. I'm still dealing with it but those remedies shared have helped me.

 

Our success stories are going to be amazing!!!

[[He...]]

I hope you are right, LM! I'm starting to worry about never  getting to the place of writing one. I mean feeling back to normal, with no residual benzo yuck hanging around. I know people say all the time that the "is this IT?" symptom is simply that: another symptom. But, dang, sometimes it feels so real...like this is as good as I'm going to be. Yes, I've healed a lot. Yes, last year I would have been thrilled to be in this place. And, yes, it's not hindering me much at all.

.....but I am so tired of feeling the YUCK covering over everything!! 

 

  Obviously I'm in somewhat of a bluesy wave today and feeling sorry for myself. I do understand and know that I often feel normal and good. During my waves, big or little, it's like a have a pair of "benzo glasses" on that distort my outlook. Funny how I never doubt other's ability to heal 100%....only my own.

 

I think I may go for a walk and hopefully snap myself out of this. It's a gorgeous day out here! Almost 60 degrees and the sun is shining.

[[dr...]]

Aquaval-nothing I can say that's not been said before.  You will make it we will be here for you to vent.

 

I am feeling better.  I just have that yucky feeling post panic attack where I monitor everything going on too closely and my confidence takes a hit.  I wore a heart monitor while I was riding my bike.  :crazy:note to self-don't do that again.  I just look at that number and obviously if I'm not in shape my hr will go through the roof biking up a big hill. 

 

I'm also not concerned about my hr.  After vigorous exercise(or panic attacks) the rate can stay elevated for more than a day.

[[Co...]]

Aqua....Yep. I got hit with dizziness last night and this morning with a POTS side dish. I haven't had the light headedness for a long time. The dizziness always gives me a zap of panic and usually triggers health fears for me and then I am on the slippery slope of a lasting wave of anxiety.

.....We all need to vent and cry a d gnash our teeth...it just all seems so never ending. ...but it will end, we just have to stay alive until it does.  or go to bed until it does. Lol. ...I hope you are feeling better. You have traveled the healing road all the way through year one.. I thought the second year would be so much easier, and in some ways it is.  but it wears us out.

  WI shingles you some sunbreaks this afternoon . .  coop

[[dr...]]

Well I decided to ruin my day off by obsessing about my rapid hr   I tried meditating w the hr monitor on and my hr is staying between 90-105ish.  My rational brain knows racing heart is a symptom in recovery but anxiety brain is searching for a reason why it's racing which doesn't exist. It also harmless if you ruled everything else out. Add to this I have a healthy heart and I hate how I get like this.  I'm not panicky at all.  Just can't stop my self monitoring.  Think it's leftover brain stuff from today's panic. I am going to nap a bit and see how I feel.  I've been here before and I'm sure I'll be here again until healed.  I also have propronolol for these situations but I hate taking anything now.  I've taken maybe ten 1/2 pills in the last nine months.

[[Co...]]

I totally get it Drew...when I had wildly spiking b/p in months 4 -6 and went to er in a panic with b/p of 190/90...all my tests came back fine, the cardiology evaluation 4 days later was healthy. My b/p continued to spike.  Even though I knew I was ok I believed I was dying of an undiagnosed condition ...Every time I took my b/p it was high.  I was afraid to take it but couldn't stop. I began sleeping with the monitor. .  As you say we know we are ok but it sets the w/d health fears spinning . I was absolutely unable to access my rational mind. I couldn't distract from it either it was just on a never ending loop. ...Eventually I started getting lower readings ( I think my b/p was actually ok, it went up by the very fact that I was taking it)...once I started getting some lower readings my confidence improved. Now I only take it once in the late morning . ...Health fear is pure torture.  Wishing you some peace from this....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, thanks for your rah rah ...you are right, the comparison  game is a ride on the highway to depression. ...Today I am more sure again of the healing taking place underneath the sx.  8 more months.  A lot of good can happen in 8 months.  Ha ginger on to that.  How are you doing today...I hope your fatigue is better . This is what I know, ...you are going to be on bike hikes again when you are ready and I will be back in my grandson's classroom when I am ready.  We are not done living yet.  There is much goodness and life for all of us at the end of this travel.  ...like you and Nova say.  until then chop wood carry water.  ..sigh.  coop

[[He...]]

I'm joining in the active health fears club today. My sternum is aching, I feel like I have heartburn, I have the breathing thing, and my stomach is hurting. Why couldn't my weird sensations happen in my left foot or my right elbow? 

 

Thank goodness tomorrow is another day. Now to just survive this one. 

[[dr...]]

Hh- . I was thinking the same thing!  If this was in some "non vital" place I wouldn't be nearly as bothered. That being said I do lower the intensity of my chest pain/pressure stuff by noticing my neck and back are very sore too but my brain doesn't latch on to that the same way.  I just also read Baylissas passage in her book where almost two years out she hit a wave and felt breathless and exhausted after a flight of steps. That reassures me. 

 

What really gets me is living life in fits and starts.  To paraphrase Aquaval from earlier "we are not alone"

 

[[dr...]]

I also took off my hr monitor  . I got my he diwn into the mud 80's w breathing but what is the point of fighting a symptom.  I've had this racing heart before and it goes away. Fighting and paying attention to it only makes it worse for me. Like coop and her BP.  Baylissa remind me to just go with the symptom. It's here until it's not.

[[He...]]

Lol, Drew!  I was just thinking the same thing about my own back with random pains popping around. It's very similar to what I feel in my chest, but my brain doesn't bother with those very much.

 

I have not read Baylissa's book yet, and it's probably time I did. I like the phrase "it's here until it's not".  Why can't I just come to terms with that?!?

 

 

[[dr...]]

I think we all struggle with that part of acceptance.

[[Gr...]]

Guys, I just needed to vent.  I'm sorry, I don't really have anyone else to talk to.  I feel like the last week has just been building up to another terrible acute-like wave.  I just don't know if I can handle it again.  I got a small break about a month ago but it's rearing its head bad again.  The ear pressure and dizziness are so bad I almost lost consciousness today at work.  I started to get that tunnel vision and nearly blacked out.  The crazy thing is, is that I woke up this morning not feeling my typical groggy, full head symptoms.  They just built up as the day has gone one to something awful.  Ughh, it just feel like it will never end. I need a real break, as I know all of you do!! 

 

you just had a year?  you should be seeing some improvements soon.  Coop and I were miserable from 10.5 to 12.5.  Then things started to get a little better.  Hang on

 

[[Gr...]]

Green, thanks for your rah rah ...you are right, the comparison  game is a ride on the highway to depression. ...Today I am more sure again of the healing taking place underneath the sx.  8 more months.  A lot of good can happen in 8 months.  Ha ginger on to that.  How are you doing today...I hope your fatigue is better . This is what I know, ...you are going to be on bike hikes again when you are ready and I will be back in my grandson's classroom when I am ready.  We are not done living yet.  There is much goodness and life for all of us at the end of this travel.  ...like you and Nova say.  until then chop wood carry water.  ..sigh.  coop

 

Hey, Coop

 

actually I had a pretty rough day today.  The DP/DR, fatigue, revving, and intrusive thoughts, I guess?  I think weird, I get weird.  My sons stare at me and want to know what's wrong, apparently I have a very odd look on my face.  why not, I have very odd shit going on inside my head

 

Hoping this breaks for us all soon

[[je...]]

Well guys I had a serious bout of anxiety today. My oldest son has been having breathing issues, so I took him to the Dr today. I could feel my anxiety building all afternoon-- just the thought of being in a Dr office stresses me out. Then I started having some irrational thoughts that my son might have something seriously wrong with him. As I was sitting in the tiny room waiting for the Dr, my anxiety was sky high and I couldn't calm myself down, I was doing the breathing and everything but nothing was working. I can't believe I got this crazy over a Dr appt that wasn't even for me! So sick of this! Sorry you guys are dealing with the health fear stuff, I had a taste of it today with my son and its no fun.

[[Co...]]

Hey Green, ...that's exactly the wave I am trying to crawl out from under. It's ben a good 7-10 days with some sunbeams and sunbreaks that dI don't hold. It has been trying to roll back out for a couple of days. Feeling that it might be letting up , but who knows. I had that deep fatigue and feeling that I was stoned and d/r.  Very wierd. My daughter who is 21 is around me enough to know too when I am locked away in my head. She says, ".  Mom!.  Surface!".  Lol.....

......Green, this has been a long one with new sx or old ones that have been long gone.  But it is getting better. 7/8 more months and benzo beast will be a puddle on the ground.  I am with you all the way.  ..feel better Green...coop