12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Ugh. Woke up feeling crappy this morning with fear racing through me in the wee dark hours. All doom and gloom, lots of intrusive thoughts, lots of chest anxiety.

 

It seems to be lifting, as I am getting up and about. No school for me today, just a teacher in-service day. I'll be heading that way soon.

 

I hope you all had a better morning than I started out with. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Green,.. .I remember you talking about this a couple of months ago. I ran across a good (  long long ) article about it posted by maymay. I will try to paste the link.

....It is weird. After my panic I had that tired feeling.  I got in bed and rested...now a few hours later I feel completely normal. Yesterday and today has been like the acute sx on fast forward. .I can't wait for this to be over.

....How are you doing? ...Are you still feeLing good healing underneath the sx?.  So you are flying in May?..You can do it Green..you have March and April to get put on another few months.. May.....I hope we are all so much better by May.

...keep right on healing Green.  I am right behind you.  coop

 

Hi, Coop

 

The panic is awful, I'm sorry you're having that.  I haven't had it since the last time we talked about it, when I had the very bad full blown panic attack somewhere in month 13, I think.  I do, however, get prodomo (?) panic, where I get the intense fear in the pit of my stomach, and feel my body setting up for the attack, the tingling, feeling of unreality, freezing, poised for whatever.  I've been fortunate so far in that it's been sizzling out.  I'm sure you know what i'm talking about when I say sizzle.

 

The under the surface healing, well, I feel more like myself, more connected with my body, all of a piece, except when I go into the shower, then I depersonalize, I don't know why.  Also, the quality of sleep is so much better.  It feels deeper and more normal, and I don't feel dread, depression, anxiety, fear, before I even open my eyes.  The body pain went on sabbatical, hope it stays wherever it went.

 

I don't have much energy, don't feel physically strong, like when I pick up grocery bags, I can feel how excessively heavy it feels, but these are so much better than in the past, when I would cry because I felt so tired.

 

Best thing, I'm positive, I try to accept where I'm at each day and make the best of it. 

 

As far as the bike tour in May, it's an inn-to-inn cycling trip.  I know I can do the mileage, especially if I have time to prepare. I'm a little concerned about getting up early in the morning for seven days, up and out the door fast in the morning (I really baby myself now, on the days when I have to get up early, it feels like I'm pushing it)  I won't be dealing with people, will have my own room, and be on the bike a good part of the day, so that's perfect.  It's sleeping and getting up in the morning.  and energy level.  and what if I have a bad wave.  yes, all of that.  if I can't do it, I can reschedule into the future, do a different trip, without losing the money.

 

I'm positive, I believe with all my heart we are all going to get better, I/we just don't know exactly when.  Hang in there, Coop, this is going to pass.  As we get closer to spring, we're all going to see enormous improvements.

[[Gr...]]

Hi HH,..yes...I got slightly dizzy all through the day with it. I am doing much better now.  Some clarity is back and after reading Drew's response I am not as shaken by it. There is a support thread for it so I lurked over there for a bit. Sounds like the " I have no thoughts" sensation d/p ( lack of sense of self) and the rest of what I experienced during the day..the complete disconnect from environment is d/r...Peace talks about it too from time to time

.....I am happy to hear that you are  considering your trip. I think you can do it HH. I think " powering through" every day at school must have taken a steel will. .HH, you sound very good in spite of some sx still on board. You have really tougher it through. ..You are close it seems. You still have some weeks of improvement before your trip...We are all rooting for you. We will all be only a post away. ...thank you for your post. It's been a tough month for some of us..at least we are not at month one...lol....Wishing you a peaceful night...coop

 

Coop, what I highlighted up there, yes, that's when it's really extreme, when you feel like you don't exist.  That's a really bad place to go.  I remember sobbing, I was out in public, I felt like I didn't exist anymore, it's really awful..  dp/dr is not just feeling high, being out of it.  when you get it heavy, it's existential shit, it's frightening.  the thing is, you can re-connect, make a phone call, get on BB, talking with someone (not about what you're going through, just getting involved in a conversation) just the act of having a conversation is helpful, it breaks it up a little.  Hope this passes quickly.

[[dr...]]

happy 3 months Mrs.

[[Sk...]]

Ugh. Woke up feeling crappy this morning with fear racing through me in the wee dark hours. All doom and gloom, lots of intrusive thoughts, lots of chest anxiety.

 

It seems to be lifting, as I am getting up and about. No school for me today, just a teacher in-service day. I'll be heading that way soon.

 

I hope you all had a better morning than I started out with. 

 

HH, sounds like I had the same morning you had and it was awful. Usuallly I get a break from it all in the mornings. Now I just have panic, my chest is so tight. Earlier I went for a ride with my bike, it was great and I did feel better but now I am back to the same old stuff. And I am having a hard time writing to complain about it!!

 

MRs, 3 months out ! that is so great ! Congrats girl ! :yippee:

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Thanks Green,.. .I remember you talking about this a couple of months ago. I ran across a good (  long long ) article about it posted by maymay. I will try to paste the link.

....It is weird. After my panic I had that tired feeling.  I got in bed and rested...now a few hours later I feel completely normal. Yesterday and today has been like the acute sx on fast forward. .I can't wait for this to be over.

....How are you doing? ...Are you still feeLing good healing underneath the sx?.  So you are flying in May?..You can do it Green..you have March and April to get put on another few months.. May.....I hope we are all so much better by May.

...keep right on healing Green.  I am right behind you.  coop

 

Hi, Coop

 

The panic is awful, I'm sorry you're having that.  I haven't had it since the last time we talked about it, when I had the very bad full blown panic attack somewhere in month 13, I think.  I do, however, get prodomo (?) panic, where I get the intense fear in the pit of my stomach, and feel my body setting up for the attack, the tingling, feeling of unreality, freezing, poised for whatever.  I've been fortunate so far in that it's been sizzling out.  I'm sure you know what i'm talking about when I say sizzle.

 

The under the surface healing, well, I feel more like myself, more connected with my body, all of a piece, except when I go into the shower, then I depersonalize, I don't know why.  Also, the quality of sleep is so much better.  It feels deeper and more normal, and I don't feel dread, depression, anxiety, fear, before I even open my eyes.  The body pain went on sabbatical, hope it stays wherever it went.

 

I don't have much energy, don't feel physically strong, like when I pick up grocery bags, I can feel how excessively heavy it feels, but these are so much better than in the past, when I would cry because I felt so tired.

 

Best thing, I'm positive, I try to accept where I'm at each day and make the best of it. 

 

As far as the bike tour in May, it's an inn-to-inn cycling trip.  I know I can do the mileage, especially if I have time to prepare. I'm a little concerned about getting up early in the morning for seven days, up and out the door fast in the morning (I really baby myself now, on the days when I have to get up early, it feels like I'm pushing it)  I won't be dealing with people, will have my own room, and be on the bike a good part of the day, so that's perfect.  It's sleeping and getting up in the morning.  and energy level.  and what if I have a bad wave.  yes, all of that.  if I can't do it, I can reschedule into the future, do a different trip, without losing the money.

 

I'm positive, I believe with all my heart we are all going to get better, I/we just don't know exactly when.  Hang in there, Coop, this is going to pass.  As we get closer to spring, we're all going to see enormous improvements.

 

Sue, so glad you are taking that bike trip, it sounds great !

[[He...]]

Ugh. Woke up feeling crappy this morning with fear racing through me in the wee dark hours. All doom and gloom, lots of intrusive thoughts, lots of chest anxiety.

 

It seems to be lifting, as I am getting up and about. No school for me today, just a teacher in-service day. I'll be heading that way soon.

 

I hope you all had a better morning than I started out with. 

 

HH, sounds like I had the same morning you had and it was awful. Usuallly I get a break from it all in the mornings. Now I just have panic, my chest is so tight. Earlier I went for a ride with my bike, it was great and I did feel better but now I am back to the same old stuff. And I am having a hard time writing to complain about it!!

 

MRs, 3 months out ! that is so great ! Congrats girl ! :yippee:

 

Hi Sky,

Mine hasn't let up, either.  Lots of chest tightness, which I hate.  I also feel depressed, like I could burst into tears at the drop of a hat.  I'm getting a lot done in my classroom despite feeling cruddy, so that's something positive. 

Big hugs to you!

HH

[[Co...]]

Nova,...how gawd awful freaking scary is that!!..You have come through some crap right out of the 7th circle of hell. I can not even tell you how sorry I am that that happened to you. That would have set me back a out an entire year. So glad for you that Mrs Nova is there to be the voice of reason. .wives are good for that in general. It inspires me the way you zen through this continual field trip through mental disorder.

....How are you doing today? ...Any improvement in the literal and/ or metaphorical weather?.  I am wishing you an effortless mind day because you so deserve it.  Love to you. coop

[[Co...]]

HH, ...So sorry to hear that you woke up to the yuk.  I don't think I could ever be as strong as you are...to get up and go to work in spite of everything this throws at us.

....Did it burn off throughout the day?...Happy for you and Peace and Drew and Sasquatch and Mrs and Sky...and everyone else who gets up every morning and puts on thier big girl panties and big boy boxers and goes to work....Wishing you a restful and healing weekend.....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky, ....I still wake up in the morning with intrusive thoughts and fears too. Probably more than not, but I think it is getting better intermittently. For me, it also usually lifts after I have been up and about for awhile.

.....I am taking encouragement from what Green said...., ' we are still very early into year 2'....and overall I think we are better than last year. For me it is the advent of new sx that is throwing me for a loop. I am thinking that whatever didn't get us in year one is going to give us a spin in year 2...somehow we are going to emerge from this crazy as the victors...I think it is a matter of out enduring the Benzo beast.

.....Wishing you windows and rest and some fun over the weekend.  Happy Valentines Day to you....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... how are you doing today? ... this Friday the 13th has been up and down for me ... mostly on the down side ... nothing dramatic ... just yukky ... and we just keep sledding ...

 

Hope you are having a good day ... 

[[He...]]

How are you doing today, Coop? I hope things are going good for you!

[[No...]]

HH ... sorry you are having a cruddy day ... and even in the crud we manage to get done what we have to ...

 

Hope you have a good weekend ... 

[[Co...]]

Green, Thank you so much for those posts...I just love you for sharing so much with us. ...That is exactly how I felt.  Freaking like my mind literally no longer existed and I was going with it.. in this entire 18 months I have not had that. I am beginning to understand that what doesn't knock us around in the first year will circle around and clobber us in year 2.. Fortunately by year 2 most of us have made good friends here and have better support, knowledge and grit than we did in year one. I am now understanding that I have had d/r all along including during the beginning of my use. I have been intrepring it as light headedress and cog fog which seem to be all mixed into it. I have also experienced pre-panic with it, but I thought it was the beginning of the panic. I had a lot of clarity this morning that gradually morphed into d/r and spaciness this afternoon that I am managing thanks to your post and Drew's and everybody's support. It seems as though this is a new kind of wave....regular d/r.  Thank you very much benzo beast. There can't be much left in the arsenal that I haven't been hit with.  With help from my friends I am still standing.

....Your trip sounds wonderful.  You sound so empowered and ready to getting back to something that you love. A big brave step. I am with you all the way. I am glad you have that escape clause in your internal dialouge...and that if needed you can delay it without penalty. Just making the plan and doing the flight would be huge for me.

...thank you so much Green...I appreciate your time here so much...it is such a support to all of us.  Love to you sx buddy and happy Valentines Day to you....coop

[[He...]]

HH ... sorry you are having a cruddy day ... and even in the crud we manage to get done what we have to ...

 

Hope you have a good weekend ... 

 

Hi Nova! It looks as though we posted to Coop at the same time, above. How are you doing today?

 

If this is my new version of a wave, I'll take it. It's not too bad, although I'm definitely bluesy. That will go away because I'm going to a basketball game tonight. I'm just ready, ready, READY for all of us to get through this! I do believe that we are closer than we know.

 

Love to you! 

[[Co...]]

HH and Nova,...I am having a much better day. Probably 85% clarity and windowy all through the morning. The d/r came back at about the same time today as yesterday, but at a much more manageable intensity. It appears to be yet a new variation on the theme of d/r, d/p. Thanks to Drew and you Nova and Green's explanation and everyone's support I realize that I have been experiencing d/r all along but reading it as cog fog and light headedness. The extreme d/p came out of the left field of hell as I have never experienced it until now...month 16.. a little unbelievable. I also read a very ( very ) long article posted by MayMay regarding d/r, d/p...it helped a lot...kind of scary. I will try to find the link again and post it...I think I saved it. .. Bottom line, it says that a)...it is practically a universally classic sx of both w/d and free standing anxiety disorders ( as in both the manifestation and cause of both w/d anxiety and non-w/d anxiety) b)...many people are prescribed benzos to treat it as a presenting anxiety disorder...surprise surprise. It bothers me a little that I didn't get the extreme d/p until this late out.. but taking it on faith that it is all w/d.. refuse to think past that .

.....I hope you both had a windowy day.. thank god its the weekend. Going to make it this time to the movie with my 6 year old grandson.  Love you guys...thanks for being here.  coop

[[Wh...]]

Hey gang.

 

Feeling some discouragement today, so I'm coming here to get my thoughts out on "paper", and get a "kick in the pants" that my perspective is a little "dinted" today.

 

Tomorrow marks 3 months free from benzodiazepines, after a long 2-year taper from 0.25mg alprazolam.  Long story short, I believe that sometime in the low doses of my taper, my body "jumped" from the benzo.  To those who may not know, I am here, at the 12-18 month thread, because my symptoms "trend" more like I've been free for 12-18 months than they do for someone who is only 3 months free.

 

So, as I was saying, tomorrow marks 3 months free.  And I find myself pretty "wavy" this past week.  This past week has been a bit of a "one step backwards" sort of week -- the return of some fear, irrational fears, panic, anxiety, and that "you're not going to make it" / "you're not going to heal" sort of depressive/hopeless feelings.  After I got off work today, I spent a good portion of the drive home in tears.  I haven't done that in a while.  I have those questions for myself -- will I make it?  Can I really overcome all this?  Will it all really go away for good?  How long will it take?  Will I ever participate in a "full" life again?

 

I know you all have been here before - bleh.  And, of course, I found myself parousing the Protracted boards this afternoon...and it was simply not an appropriate time to visit there.  I know most of us have done that -- visited at a time frame where it was better for us to visit the Success Story boards, etc. 

 

It's challenging to explain how I feel...to feel like so much progress has happened, but at the same time feel like I'm "back at square one" (which I'm not)...to feel "hopeless" and have hope at the same time...to feel "despair" and some happiness at the same time...weird.  I'm SOOOOO OVER fear also.  To feel "fear" and not be afraid of anything at the same time...THAT feeling, the mixture of those two emotions, I am SO. OVER. IT.  Coop, I think I completely understand that "regression" window/wave pattern feeling over time that Matthewonline describes - Grr!  I sometimes feel angry - angry at withdrawal, angry at God for "allowing" it (even though it's not his cause or fault!), angry at the symptoms, and angry at my body for sometimes listening to "irrational" instead of "Real Me" -- even though I'm SCREAMING at it to submit and listen to me at times, it feels like!

 

Okay, ugh.  I just wanted to "vent" a little bit.  I'm not "feeling" a lot of "hope" or "belief" in 100% healing at this exact moment, but in truth I don't have to "feel" it in order to choose to believe it.  Okay, gang - hear me and be my witnesses to this:  I am here, stating and pulling back the horse reigns on my mind and body, and deciding -- once AGAIN -- that I WILL heal 100%.  That I WILL continue to engage in the fight for 100% until it is attained.  That I WILL continue to decide and stand firm and strong against fear, and move FORWARD in faith.  To choose to believe in love, hope, faith, God, Jesus, and all things good -- and that they belong to ME.  It is a choice that I have, and I choose FAITH. 

 

Thanks for hearing me tonight, gang.  I am going to head to the mall and do some walking -- that is something that we in the Midwest do during the colder months, in order to keep in shape!!  Just in case "mall walking" doesn't exist in the warmer climates, haha!

 

Love you all.  We WILL heal, and we WILL prevail.  Nike - JUST DO IT! (Thanks Coop )

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs...you're right! we can all sympathize! but don't give up! I've read many of your posts and your attitude and how you handled all this has been an amzing demonstration of strength to many of us! There are those crappy days that leave you wondering what the hell just happened! But they pass! I had one of the worst waves I have had since acute that lasted almost 3 weeks, just recently! I forgot what acute was like and questioned every bit of sanity I had left during that wave! But...it passed! Here I am 2 weeks later with some anxiousness and stomach issues, but I will survive! Keep posting! Before you know it, you will be having fantastic days!! ! you're a great inspiration to the rest of us!

[[Sk...]]

Whyowhy, I love your avatar !!

 

For me,  this is really a bad month, who would have thought that  I would still be so sick at 15 months out ?

 

The cod liver oil I take is fine, I don't know if it is helping, this is a bad period and little can help with that, there are no shortcuts.  I would have  to check my log. But It is so good for me, for my body, I am happy to  to take it.

 

Our thoughts in wd are strange and take us to odd places.

 

I am having problems with vibrations and palps, and when i don't have the vibrations, I have crippling anxiety, yesterday, the anxiety, totally irrational, gave me heart pains. ENough complaining, this is just an update, don't worry, we are getting better.

 

Our thoughts in wd are strange and take us to odd places, that is so freaky.

 

Coop, you catch that movie, it  is great to hear you are getting a break. What are you seeing ?

 

Everybody, happy healing.

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Sky, ..I hate it that you are having heart palps and anxiety...I hope today is a no anxiety day for you. Are you and Mr Sky doing something fun for Valentines Day?...

....I am ( I think....I hope) seemingly on the up side of this wave. Things are easing up. I have had a strange pattern of wave/window in the last 2/3 days.. cycling in and out of complete windows/waves all in the same day. Yesterday I woke up pretty good...had a nice windowy morning, got hit with deep d/r and anxiety for about 5 hours....completely lifted in the evening. This morning is looking like a decent baseline...crossing my fingers.

....My ex and I are trying the movie again. My littlest guy is 6. He wants to see Paddington Bear....so Paddington Bear it is...am hopeful that I will enjoy my time with them as there is no yuk ciruling me this morning

....I have so much admiration for you Sky...you are unshakable in your faith that all of the crazy sx that we experience are merely w/d...you seem so unshakable in the midst of heart palps and cog fog. I take a lot of courage from you....Wishing you a very good day away from work and students.....coop

[[Co...]]

HAPPY HAPPY VALENTINES DAY..♡♡♡

......Sending love and appreciation to all of you..

 

 

......So far so good this morning.  Looking forward to going to the movie this afternoon ...so very thankful for an 85% normal baseline....sort of leaning to a window...no d/r ..or real anxiety...

  ..This is what I think today ( could totally  change tomorrow)......my waves and sx when they appear are pretty much as disturbing as from the beginning.  But.. my 'good' days are a hundred times better than my ' good' days of a year ago... I will take it......coop

[[He...]]

Good morning and happy Valentines Day! The thread is very slow this morning and I'm hoping it's because you are all out enjoying windows.

 

I'm still in this mini-wave. I'm not getting slammed, but I feel uncomfortable with some free floating bluesiness/fear and some chest tightness and all-over achiness. Just kinda down emotionally and tired of feeling "off" physically.

 

However, in the spirit of Valentines Day, I am going to list some of the things that I love! 

•my amazing family

•my school, students, and coworkers

•the sports that my daughters play

•staying busy

•sleeping in

•decaf, skinny lattes

•sunny days

•the absolute FACT that my good days outnumber my bad

•this thread and the wonderful support it provides

•my dog

•getting lost in great books

 

Wishing you all healing!

Love,

HH

 

[[He...]]

Just a whine...

 

My "squeezes" are going strong today, a band around my chest and around my head. And my depression is there, feeling sad and fearful.

 

<sigh>

[[je...]]

Happy Valentine's day friends! 

 

Sky-- so sorry your having a rough time, month 15 was a hard one on me too.

Coop- so happy you are feeling better today and able to make the movie.

HH- I loved hearing your list! A reminder that we all have something that we love and to be thankful for. I hope the squeezing eases up for you.

 

I've been doing fairly well this week, the wave is over and I'm back to baseline. I've noticed my nerve pain has ever so slightly improved, this is the first improvement I've noticed in regards to my nerve pain. My sleep has improved-- I'm still restless and its still broken but I feel the quality of sleep I'm getting is better. Still dealing with head pressure, but its milder and lots of weird body sensations- pin pricks, and tingles, some numbness. I hope your all doing well, love jenny 

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... today, in a word, well two words ... bah humbug ...

 

Insomnia last night ... and benzo sick all day again ... tried to nap twice ... no luck ... one good sign ... I am feeling wiped out from lack of sleep ... this is the first time in a long time ... insomnia did not faze me for a long time ... so, feeling normal, wiped out ...

 

So ... Happy Valentine's Day ... sort of ... 

 

Hunkering down for our next little storm ... it is going to blow and snow and rain and then snow again ... just like it usually does around here ...

 

Have a good evening, Folks ...

 

[[He...]]

Jenny and Coop, I am so glad to hear you both are having a pretty good day!

 

Nova, bah humbug sums up my day, too.

 

My health fears are back today, accompanying the pressure in my chest which makes me feel like I can't quite take a full breath. I can feel that it's in my sternum/rib cage area, but it makes me afraid nonetheless. That stupid little voice that says "yes, but what if?" It's not painful, just tight.

 

Plans for the evening are basketball games and possibly dinner with my hubby if I'm feeling up to it.

 

I'm so very, very tired of feeling intermittently sick.  :'(