12-18 month support

[[mr...]]

Hey gang.

 

Feeling some discouragement today, so I'm coming here to get my thoughts out on "paper", and get a "kick in the pants" that my perspective is a little "dinted" today.

 

Tomorrow marks 3 months free from benzodiazepines, after a long 2-year taper from 0.25mg alprazolam.  Long story short, I believe that sometime in the low doses of my taper, my body "jumped" from the benzo.  To those who may not know, I am here, at the 12-18 month thread, because my symptoms "trend" more like I've been free for 12-18 months than they do for someone who is only 3 months free.

 

So, as I was saying, tomorrow marks 3 months free.  And I find myself pretty "wavy" this past week.  This past week has been a bit of a "one step backwards" sort of week -- the return of some fear, irrational fears, panic, anxiety, and that "you're not going to make it" / "you're not going to heal" sort of depressive/hopeless feelings.  After I got off work today, I spent a good portion of the drive home in tears.  I haven't done that in a while.  I have those questions for myself -- will I make it?  Can I really overcome all this?  Will it all really go away for good?  How long will it take?  Will I ever participate in a "full" life again?

 

I know you all have been here before - bleh.  And, of course, I found myself parousing the Protracted boards this afternoon...and it was simply not an appropriate time to visit there.  I know most of us have done that -- visited at a time frame where it was better for us to visit the Success Story boards, etc. 

 

It's challenging to explain how I feel...to feel like so much progress has happened, but at the same time feel like I'm "back at square one" (which I'm not)...to feel "hopeless" and have hope at the same time...to feel "despair" and some happiness at the same time...weird.  I'm SOOOOO OVER fear also.  To feel "fear" and not be afraid of anything at the same time...THAT feeling, the mixture of those two emotions, I am SO. OVER. IT.  Coop, I think I completely understand that "regression" window/wave pattern feeling over time that Matthewonline describes - Grr!  I sometimes feel angry - angry at withdrawal, angry at God for "allowing" it (even though it's not his cause or fault!), angry at the symptoms, and angry at my body for sometimes listening to "irrational" instead of "Real Me" -- even though I'm SCREAMING at it to submit and listen to me at times, it feels like!

 

Okay, ugh.  I just wanted to "vent" a little bit.  I'm not "feeling" a lot of "hope" or "belief" in 100% healing at this exact moment, but in truth I don't have to "feel" it in order to choose to believe it.  Okay, gang - hear me and be my witnesses to this:  I am here, stating and pulling back the horse reigns on my mind and body, and deciding -- once AGAIN -- that I WILL heal 100%.  That I WILL continue to engage in the fight for 100% until it is attained.  That I WILL continue to decide and stand firm and strong against fear, and move FORWARD in faith.  To choose to believe in love, hope, faith, God, Jesus, and all things good -- and that they belong to ME.  It is a choice that I have, and I choose FAITH. 

 

Thanks for hearing me tonight, gang.  I am going to head to the mall and do some walking -- that is something that we in the Midwest do during the colder months, in order to keep in shape!!  Just in case "mall walking" doesn't exist in the warmer climates, haha!

 

Love you all.  We WILL heal, and we WILL prevail.  Nike - JUST DO IT! (Thanks Coop )

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

Big hugs, Mrs! 

 

I have been where you are at SO many times!! This process just absolutely SUCKS.  I'm a little wavy today, too.  Nothing bad, but enough that I am feeling sorry for myself and am feeling the fear.  My fear is that things will worsen.  This just beats us down. 

 

You ARE getting better and you WILL heal 100%.  I promise!   But, I am SOOOO with you when you say that you are SO. OVER. IT!! 

 

Love to you!

HH

 

PS, stay away from the protracted boards.  I don't think that is a helpful place to be....especially when you are feeling discouraged. 

[[He...]]

Hi Friends,

 

Thank you all for your advice and support regarding my upcoming trip!  I've decided to go, and I am feeling more excited than afraid....which I'm taking as a good sign. I'm still really, really nervous about the flights and the overall stress on the trip (traveling with almost 50 people, with almost no down time), but Klonopin has robbed me of so much and I'll be darned if I will let it take this from me, too. I hope I'm making the right decision, but I won't even know that until I'm in the middle of it. I hate how not trusting my body puts a negative, scary spin on everything!

 

I've been feeling really good this week. Sleeping great, no anxiety, very little chest pressure and burning nerves. It's been nice!

 

Lots of love to you all! It's time for bed as tomorrow is a busy day: field trip and our classroom Valentine's party.

 

HH

 

HH, you've spent the night in hotels before, on sports trips, so you know you can probably do that.  The flights, can't help with that, I'm going to be dealing with it myself in May.  All the people and no where to hide.  Make a safe space for yourself.  We have to learn how to do this, how to survive in that big, crazy chaotic world.  I've tried recently imagining a protective bubble fitted around my whole body.  sometimes I do brief mediation, real time, just clearing my mind and slowing down.

 

You can do it.  You've got the tools.  We just need confidence, withdrawal took it all!  You can do this.  Everyone here knows you can

 

Green,

Thank you so much for your vote of confidence!    I sure hope you are right.  I am going to try and start imagining the protective bubble. 

It would be so easy for me to cave in to my fear, but I don't want to.  This just is so much bigger and scarier than simply powering through a day of teaching.  I DO have excitement about the trip, also....and I'm taking that as a good sign. 

You are going to be flying in May?  Hopefully I'll have a good report for you after my own trip.

Love to you!

HH 

[[Ca...]]

Mrs dear....you have come so far. This is a "normal" wave. They are so much harder to ride when you have had glimpses of freedom. The doubt and fear are from the damage caused by the drug....it's simply a benzodiazepine lie. Everything will resolve as you continue to heal.

 

Take gentle devoted care of yourself. Walk, pray, watch Gilmore Girls, nap.  Look the fear face on and tell it it's false. You are ok.

 

Sending love,

Carita

[[Co...]]

Aqua, ..yes..the glasses thing...Peace posted about it several weeks ago too. I get it too especially with d/r. If I am experiencing d/r I am by far more comfortable without my glasses. The edges of the world that I can't seem to go together just right and seem oddly a little to distant just seem softer without the glasses. I love your description of second year sx...different.. not necessarily better....and Green's description too, ...doing the first year over ...and mon the 15 is only the third month into year 2.  Still lots of time for the healing we need. ...if we made it through year one we can get through year 2..  I never would have dreamed it was going to take me this long, but here I am ...thank goodness for all of you.  .coop

[[mr...]]

Big hugs, Mrs! 

 

I have been where you are at SO many times!! This process just absolutely SUCKS.  I'm a little wavy today, too.  Nothing bad, but enough that I am feeling sorry for myself and am feeling the fear.  My fear is that things will worsen.  This just beats us down. 

 

You ARE getting better and you WILL heal 100%.  I promise!   But, I am SOOOO with you when you say that you are SO. OVER. IT!! 

 

Love to you!

HH

 

PS, stay away from the protracted boards.  I don't think that is a helpful place to be....especially when you are feeling discouraged.

 

Thanks HH.  Just...thanks.

 

Mrs.

[[mr...]]

Mrs dear....you have come so far. This is a "normal" wave. They are so much harder to ride when you have had glimpses of freedom. The doubt and fear are from the damage caused by the drug....it's simply a benzodiazepine lie. Everything will resolve as you continue to heal.

 

Take gentle devoted care of yourself. Walk, pray, watch Gilmore Girls, nap.  Look the fear face on and tell it it's false. You are ok.

 

Sending love,

Carita

 

(((((Carita)))))

 

Thank you for the encouragement.  Amazing to me, that you reach out from your own withdrawal to "slap" my "benzo lies" in their proverbial "face", friend.  I truly appreciate that.

 

I hope all is well for you.  You are making so much progress -- I am so proud of you   This year is going to be YOUR year of freedom.  Mark. My. Words.

 

Thank you for stopping by   Love you,

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Aww Mrs! So sorry your having a tough time. We've all been there, and we all know exactly how you are feeling. Its the good ol benzo lies. You know it WILL get better and you will get through this and heal 100%. Praying you get some good rest tonight and wake up in a huge window. Hugs, jenny 

[[Co...]]

Ok buds, ...help me get a grip on this...

.....I have experienced the deepest d/r that I can remember today. I have been completely disconnected all day long. I usually experience d/r intermittently and most of it has been very manageable. I didn't get it very much in year one. I cycled in and out with it yesterday. Today I was so spacey and removed that I actually felt kind of sedated. In the afternoon it started scaring me because it hadn't lifted and it was freaky completely removed . I honestly could not think very well.  We'll the concern around it escalated into health fear that I held my own with.  until I had a bizarre terror that I didn't have any thoughts ( craaaazy  right?)...like my mind was literally empty and I would never have thoughts...well that morphed into a brief panic with pounding heart, doom etc etc...it only lasted a minute and resolved with the usual tiredness that panics end in .. all is well now except the d/r is still crazy strong. This is so embarrassing that I wouldn't evendors post it except that my desperate need to know if this has happened to anyone else outweighs my dignity at the moment. ...Truly I have not had d/r this serious before.. Although it seems to be coming into line with my 'usual' experience of d/r...the fact that it hasn't ebbed much today and the crazy sensation of having no thoughts has me shaken a little.  I just could not surface from the d/r today.

.....any thoughts? ...any similar crazy d/r moments?....coop

[[Co...]]

Ok buds, ...help me get a grip on this...

.....I have experienced the deepest d/r that I can remember today. I have been completely disconnected all day long. I usually experience d/r intermittently and most of it has been very manageable. I didn't get it very much in year one. I cycled in and out with it yesterday. Today I was so spacey and removed that I actually felt kind of sedated. In the afternoon it started scaring me because it hadn't lifted and it was freaky completely removed . I honestly could not think very well.  We'll the concern around it escalated into health fear that I held my own with.  until I had a bizarre terror that I didn't have any thoughts ( craaaazy  right?)...like my mind was literally empty and I would never have thoughts...well that morphed into a brief panic with pounding heart, doom etc etc...it only lasted a minute and resolved with the usual tiredness that panics end in .. all is well now except the d/r is still crazy strong. This is so embarrassing that I wouldn't evendors post it except that my desperate need to know if this has happened to anyone else outweighs my dignity at the moment. ...Truly I have not had d/r this serious before.. Although it seems to be coming into line with my 'usual' experience of d/r...the fact that it hasn't ebbed much today and the crazy sensation of having no thoughts has me shaken a little.  I just could not surface from the d/r today.

.....any thoughts? ...any similar crazy d/r moments?....coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-I went as deep as I can remember into DR two nights ago!  That's what set off my panic.  A few things to remember...it is our brain trying to protect itself so fighting it can make it worse.  While very uncomfortable it is very common and completely harmless.  Mine never lifted quickly. I went two bed and it was less yesterday and mostly gone today.

 

I understand what your saying about feeling like you have no thoughts.  I felt my brain was "hijacked" the other night. It scared the bejesus out of me at first.  It came on so heavy and fast I thought I was dying and couldn't think at all.  Once I realized what it was and the initial panic passed I was equipped to deal with it.

I do that by just saying I feel very weird because my brain is working things out.  While uncomfortable it will pass. It then lifts when it decides to leave. In hindsight I never knew what DR was and it caused me so much anxiety for over twenty years.

 

Hope you are able to calm down. 

[[Co...]]

Mrs., ...wonderful woman you have my heart. I have tears for you. You are having an 'acute moment' ..or 'acute' wave. And you are feeling all the chaos and confusing and despair that comes with acute waves after long careful tapering or after long months of w/d. You sound like your rational mind is holding on and you are not believing the lies, even though all the emotions of an acute experience are in a whirl. ...You will get your grip again.. Do whatever you did in tapering to get through it. Part of it seems to be the shock and stunning disappointment that this is happening after 2 years of long careful tapering. It stinks. You played by all the rules.  went slow and kept your way positive attitude and the Benzo Beast cheated you big time...it's ok Mrs, you are going to come out on top.  So so sorry this landed on you like this. ...so glad you have Mr. and all of us.  I am going to be hanging out here on and off throughout the evening if you want company..

...Mrs. you are going to have more good days and the way you feel today will let up.  Love love love to you.  coop

[[mr...]]

Mrs., ...wonderful woman you have my heart. I have tears for you. You are having an 'acute moment' ..or 'acute' wave. And you are feeling all the chaos and confusing and despair that comes with acute waves after long careful tapering or after long months of w/d. You sound like your rational mind is holding on and you are not believing the lies, even though all the emotions of an acute experience are in a whirl. ...You will get your grip again.. Do whatever you did in tapering to get through it. Part of it seems to be the shock and stunning disappointment that this is happening after 2 years of long careful tapering. It stinks. You played by all the rules.  went slow and kept your way positive attitude and the Benzo Beast cheated you big time...it's ok Mrs, you are going to come out on top.  So so sorry this landed on you like this. ...so glad you have Mr. and all of us.  I am going to be hanging out here on and off throughout the evening if you want company..

...Mrs. you are going to have more good days and the way you feel today will let up.  Love love love to you.  coop

 

Thanks Coop.

 

I'm just amazed that so many of us have felt a bit "swept" recently!  You know how ladies can sometimes "cycle" together when they've been hanging out for a while?  That the hormones can sorta get "in sync" or something?  Well, this whole "ebbing" that we've all seemed to feel has got me thinking a bit, LOL!!  I wonder if our brain hormones can "sync" a bit as well!!  Haha   I'm just kidding around (Mostly... )

 

This will pass also.  The best of times are yet to come!  Thank the Lord.  I'm grateful for you all - thank you for being here for me tonight

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Drew, bless your heart buddy...you have no idea how reassuring your response is to me. I am calming down , but have that jagged aftermath feeling . When do the surprises end? ...I also did not know what to call the sensation of d/r that I had once in awhile during use and acute. I just thought it was my anxiety until I came to the forum and everyone was talking about being " disconnected"...and then someone explained it to me as d/r.

    Thank you so much Drew. ...Did your very good almost effortless mind day hold up all the way through the day? ...hope so. What would I ever do without all of wonderful buddies on this thread....Wishing you an effortless mind night.....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew, I am re-reading your generous honest responsored again because it is like an anchor to the shreds of my rational mind. You describe it perfectly..." I felt like I was dying and couldnt think at all".  Thank you again Drew.. ..coop

[[He...]]

Coop,

That sounds really scary, but rest assured that your brain and thoughts are still ok. You sound good in your writing and you are as full of compassion and the detailed responses to people as you always are. I'm so very sorry that you got slammed with a big bout of DR! I'm beginning to think that we need to go through all the symptoms before we truly heal....like all facets of this must be experienced. The rolling through of all of it as our bodies healing all fronts.

 

I've had small experiences of what I think was DR and it is NOT fun. Although what about this process is??!?! I think having a big episode of it is akin to having a panic attack when normally one just experiences anxiety, or an acute flare up of pain when one normally just feels aches.

 

When you feel the DR, do you get any boatiness with it?

[[Co...]]

Hi HH,..yes...I got slightly dizzy all through the day with it. I am doing much better now.  Some clarity is back and after reading Drew's response I am not as shaken by it. There is a support thread for it so I lurked over there for a bit. Sounds like the " I have no thoughts" sensation d/p ( lack of sense of self) and the rest of what I experienced during the day..the complete disconnect from environment is d/r...Peace talks about it too from time to time

.....I am happy to hear that you are  considering your trip. I think you can do it HH. I think " powering through" every day at school must have taken a steel will. .HH, you sound very good in spite of some sx still on board. You have really tougher it through. ..You are close it seems. You still have some weeks of improvement before your trip...We are all rooting for you. We will all be only a post away. ...thank you for your post. It's been a tough month for some of us..at least we are not at month one...lol....Wishing you a peaceful night...coop

[[Gr...]]

Ok buds, ...help me get a grip on this...

.....I have experienced the deepest d/r that I can remember today. I have been completely disconnected all day long. I usually experience d/r intermittently and most of it has been very manageable. I didn't get it very much in year one. I cycled in and out with it yesterday. Today I was so spacey and removed that I actually felt kind of sedated. In the afternoon it started scaring me because it hadn't lifted and it was freaky completely removed . I honestly could not think very well.  We'll the concern around it escalated into health fear that I held my own with.  until I had a bizarre terror that I didn't have any thoughts ( craaaazy  right?)...like my mind was literally empty and I would never have thoughts...well that morphed into a brief panic with pounding heart, doom etc etc...it only lasted a minute and resolved with the usual tiredness that panics end in .. all is well now except the d/r is still crazy strong. This is so embarrassing that I wouldn't evendors post it except that my desperate need to know if this has happened to anyone else outweighs my dignity at the moment. ...Truly I have not had d/r this serious before.. Although it seems to be coming into line with my 'usual' experience of d/r...the fact that it hasn't ebbed much today and the crazy sensation of having no thoughts has me shaken a little.  I just could not surface from the d/r today.

.....any thoughts? ...any similar crazy d/r moments?....coop

 

Coop, DP/DR, cog fog, I get 'em big time.  It's weird, scary, and it can make you feel very isolated.  I'm an old hand now, but I remember when it was heavy in year one I found it terrifying.  From what I've read, best thing to do is get engaged in something, talk to someone, make a phone call, distract.  I was at a ballet a couple of weeks ago, and I walked out and had not one tiny memory of what I had seen.  I'm pretty sure that's the dp/dr.  don't worry, it passes. 

[[Co...]]

Thanks Green,.. .I remember you talking about this a couple of months ago. I ran across a good (  long long ) article about it posted by maymay. I will try to paste the link.

....It is weird. After my panic I had that tired feeling.  I got in bed and rested...now a few hours later I feel completely normal. Yesterday and today has been like the acute sx on fast forward. .I can't wait for this to be over.

....How are you doing? ...Are you still feeLing good healing underneath the sx?.  So you are flying in May?..You can do it Green..you have March and April to get put on another few months.. May.....I hope we are all so much better by May.

...keep right on healing Green.  I am right behind you.  coop

[[dr...]]

Glad your feeling better coop.  Nothing scarier than feeling like we are losing our minds.  The good thing to know is that if we really were we wouldn't be cognizant of it so we know that's not the case. 

 

I did okay today. No effortless mind like I hoped but more of a feel Kay but I know I'm just a step away from falling off the cliff  . I performed very well in front of a sold out house tonight.  After I perform my self confidence of what I can handle goes way up.  It's a life saver and a reset button for my brain. Nite all

[[No...]]

Coop ... the sensation of "disconnect" ... yours (and others) description resonates with me as well ...

 

A few days ago, early evening ... sitting here, minding my own business, an upsurge of "panic" along the pathway from my groin into my chest and throat ... several waves of it ... ignored them ... identified as "panic energy" ... then shortly ... the "fog of disconnect" enveloped me ...

 

Like the sensation of the all circuits shutting down ... I got up, tried to make a tea ... couldn't ... came back, sat down ... the sensation that the structure of this apartment was coming apart ... doorways shifting ... walls moving ... and then the sensation of sweat/water pouring out of me in rivulets ... my voice sounding "off" ... the sensation that I was "coming apart" ... and the sensation that thoughts would not "string together" ...

 

And the fear that "this is happening again" ... and the fear that I would not come back this time ...

 

And Mrs Nova coming into the room with me ... just sitting there ... confirming that these were "sensations" ... not reality ... the apartment was not "shape shifting" ... there was no water pouring out of me ... I "sounded" and appeared just fine ... and some three hours later the sensations started to release ...

 

Why this at this time ... why this on those occasions in the past ... I cannot say ... the suggestion of overload ... self-protect ... shutting down for a while as things reconfigure ... all sound appropriate ...

 

And ... for me ... the urge to move, to escape, is overwhelming ... and I now know I need to stay seated and if I move only move in a small area ... only within my room ... only a few paces at a time and return to my chair ...

 

And when the sensations leave and the "fog" has lifted there is the feeling of exhaustion ... sometimes a large hang-over ... and the need for a lot of rest ...

 

Having someone there ... confirming the environment ... reminding me to move only in a small area for a while ... and to not struggle with it ... just be here and let enough time pass until it dissipates ...

 

For me ... another aspect of my healing ... a difficult and apparently necessary aspect of this process ... and I marvel at the strength and steadfastness of those of you who pass through these moments alone ...

 

[[No...]]

Mrs ... you are doing wonderfully ... these times of feeling "one step back" come around from time to time ... and they always leave by the same door they came in ... or sometimes by the other door ...

 

For you, chin up ... gather up your stuff ... and move on ... these are just some little bumps in the road ...

 

And setting out your sense of frustration, or discouragement, or just plain anger in a post is a good way to keep things mellow ... that's one of the reasons we come here ...

 

[[mr...]]

I am 3 months free today.

 

1/4 of a year is under my belt! (Both whew and whoa!)

 

Love to you all,.

 

Mrs.

[[He...]]

I am 3 months free today.

 

1/4 of a year is under my belt! (Both whew and whoa!)

 

Love to you all,.

 

Mrs.

 

Hooray for being 3 months!! Congratulations, Mrs! 

[[No...]]

Mrs ...  :thumbsup: