6-12 month thread....

[[MT...]]

Mrs, thank you for the update and all of the encouraging words. It's wonderful to see how well you're doing and that you're being so realistic about the recovery process. It takes time but improvement will happen for all of us. Very slowly for the most part.

 

Rapunzel, I hope the feeling of desperation recedes soon and that you keep sleeping. I'm pulling for the nasty dreams leaving you alone!

[[Ki...]]

7monthsoff

Feeling energy less

Boaty feeling tinnitus head symptoms tremors

Exhausting me

In bed all day

 

Very tireddd

[[th...]]

Hiya gang,

 

I am 8 months free from benzos today ~ whoa!  I almost missed it, actually!  

 

I find myself still healing (like many of us!).  The "fear" continues to peel away, losing frequency and intensity more and more as time passes, in the usual ebb-and-flow pattern we experience.  The remaining others (anxiety, mild tachycardia, mild dp/dr, cog-fog, dizziness, mild infrequent headaches, etc) also continue this "peeling away" pattern as well. I find that I no longer experience "windows" and "waves", but more of a general pattern of gradually (slowly?) getting better and better as more time passes.  I think that this lack of window/wave experience can create a deceptive impression that "this is as good as it gets" or may tempt to ask the question "is this just me" or "is this as good as it gets".  But we should not be fooled by this deception ~ it is only the perception we experience from the slow unfolding and ebb/flow patterns of a healing brain. 

 

The "fears" I developed in withdrawal continue to waver and diminish ~ partly from diligently working on facing them, and partly due to the passage of time and more healing occurring.  Both elements (me working on things, and me "not" working on things I don't control) do seem to make a difference, for me personally.  I do still find myself with a response to things my body reads as "stimuli" ~ both the 'good' and 'non-good' kinds of stimuli.  I do experience what appears as a random "intense" slap of symptoms from time to time over the past couple months, and I see where people use the term "acute" to describe it.  Intuitively, I know that it is not truly like acute at all, but that I merely have the perception of this type of intensity because of the stark contrast between my normal day-to-day medium and this brief "intense slap".  The "response" my body/mind has at times becoming more manageable all the time, and I find solace in controlling my response to the "response".  'Controlling my response to the response' means, to me, keeping focused on the positive, keeping faith in healing, and saying a collective "no thank you" to fear.  Overall, I am very grateful and amazed at how far I've come, and am looking forward to the remainder of healing manifesting in the next couple months.

 

I hope this helps display accurately how I am feeling today!  I do many things that I temporarily "delayed" doing while I was in the midst of taper and post-withdrawal, such as travel, hang with friends, work a part-time "fun" job outside of my full-time job, babysit, exercise longer, spend time in heat outside (summer months), and on and on!  Things truly do continue to get better and better, friends.  We are healing, everyday in every way!  Getting closer all the time (thank God)!!

 

Take care buddies, I hope this helps you a little to know where I'm at

 

Mrs.

 

Hi Mrs! You always sound so positive! I agree with everything you said! I especially love that phrase "say no to fear!" - I do this all day everyday! Just basically not allowing the that "fear" feeling to control me. It isn't real anyway. I always think that being anxious and fearful won't change outcomes either. What will be will be. It is and has to be a constant mind over matter kind of thinking though because the feeling is so intense still at 6 ms off. It feels more like "vibrating" on the inside to me, does that make sense? It is highly uncomfortable but I keep pushing through. I find if I can just put one step in front of the other and GO than it all works out fine. Like today. I am so tired. More tired than I have been recently. I have zero energy or drive to do anything. But I know if I just get up and GO that most of the things I want or need to do will get done and I will be just fine. Tired, but fine . But I too know I can and do more things than I could during my taper. I didn't go anywhere then. Now I force myself to go out with friends, see family, go places. Things are not always "real" feeling yet totally, I still suffer from feeling disconnected, but now I know that feeling and try my hardest to push through it  . I hope things continue to go well for you!!

 

Grinch 

[[mr...]]

Hiya gang,

 

I am 8 months free from benzos today ~ whoa!  I almost missed it, actually!  

 

I find myself still healing (like many of us!).  The "fear" continues to peel away, losing frequency and intensity more and more as time passes, in the usual ebb-and-flow pattern we experience.  The remaining others (anxiety, mild tachycardia, mild dp/dr, cog-fog, dizziness, mild infrequent headaches, etc) also continue this "peeling away" pattern as well. I find that I no longer experience "windows" and "waves", but more of a general pattern of gradually (slowly?) getting better and better as more time passes.  I think that this lack of window/wave experience can create a deceptive impression that "this is as good as it gets" or may tempt to ask the question "is this just me" or "is this as good as it gets".  But we should not be fooled by this deception ~ it is only the perception we experience from the slow unfolding and ebb/flow patterns of a healing brain. 

 

The "fears" I developed in withdrawal continue to waver and diminish ~ partly from diligently working on facing them, and partly due to the passage of time and more healing occurring.  Both elements (me working on things, and me "not" working on things I don't control) do seem to make a difference, for me personally.  I do still find myself with a response to things my body reads as "stimuli" ~ both the 'good' and 'non-good' kinds of stimuli.  I do experience what appears as a random "intense" slap of symptoms from time to time over the past couple months, and I see where people use the term "acute" to describe it.  Intuitively, I know that it is not truly like acute at all, but that I merely have the perception of this type of intensity because of the stark contrast between my normal day-to-day medium and this brief "intense slap".  The "response" my body/mind has at times becoming more manageable all the time, and I find solace in controlling my response to the "response".  'Controlling my response to the response' means, to me, keeping focused on the positive, keeping faith in healing, and saying a collective "no thank you" to fear.  Overall, I am very grateful and amazed at how far I've come, and am looking forward to the remainder of healing manifesting in the next couple months.

 

I hope this helps display accurately how I am feeling today!  I do many things that I temporarily "delayed" doing while I was in the midst of taper and post-withdrawal, such as travel, hang with friends, work a part-time "fun" job outside of my full-time job, babysit, exercise longer, spend time in heat outside (summer months), and on and on!  Things truly do continue to get better and better, friends.  We are healing, everyday in every way!  Getting closer all the time (thank God)!!

 

Take care buddies, I hope this helps you a little to know where I'm at

 

Mrs.

 

Hi Mrs! You always sound so positive! I agree with everything you said! I especially love that phrase "say no to fear!" - I do this all day everyday! Just basically not allowing the that "fear" feeling to control me. It isn't real anyway. I always think that being anxious and fearful won't change outcomes either. What will be will be. It is and has to be a constant mind over matter kind of thinking though because the feeling is so intense still at 6 ms off. It feels more like "vibrating" on the inside to me, does that make sense? It is highly uncomfortable but I keep pushing through. I find if I can just put one step in front of the other and GO than it all works out fine. Like today. I am so tired. More tired than I have been recently. I have zero energy or drive to do anything. But I know if I just get up and GO that most of the things I want or need to do will get done and I will be just fine. Tired, but fine . But I too know I can and do more things than I could during my taper. I didn't go anywhere then. Now I force myself to go out with friends, see family, go places. Things are not always "real" feeling yet totally, I still suffer from feeling disconnected, but now I know that feeling and try my hardest to push through it  . I hope things continue to go well for you!!

 

Grinch 

 

:smitten:(((((Grinch))))) :smitten:

 

Well said, friend!    Keep at it

 

Mrs.

[[Sa...]]

Hi All

 

Please post your tools for extreme depression

I knew how to deal with anxiety and agitation early in withdrawal but now after feeling completely healed after 6 months benzo free i am hit with a horrific depression

I call it depression because i have no other word for it but it is not sadness, its as if i have been hit by a truck, i can't think or do anything- its like my brain has stood still- I stare without blinking and i have no energy- I can't tolerate conversation or images on tv

I need everything to be still

 

Please post your tools for snapping out of this- its very scary

 

[[je...]]

Sara-- exercise was the only thing that really helped me with my depression, also try and get 15-20 min of sunlight on your skin everyday.

[[Al...]]

Saraa-Are you able to exercise?  When you exercise your brain makes serotonin.

[[Sa...]]

Always,

 

No i am not able to excercise

 

[[Sa...]]

Jenny,

 

Thank you,

[[Ki...]]

Since months 4 severe depression and intrusive thoughts,  I don't have any more energy to fight with it

[[Sa...]]

Kinia,

 

I am just over 6 months off.  I was feeling so well and suddenly i am in deep depression which feels like the worst symptom of all.  I also like you feel like i can't do this anymore, nothing left in me to fight.

 

 

[[Wh...]]

Hiya gang,

 

I am 8 months free from benzos today ~ whoa!  I almost missed it, actually!  

 

I find myself still healing (like many of us!).  The "fear" continues to peel away, losing frequency and intensity more and more as time passes, in the usual ebb-and-flow pattern we experience.  The remaining others (anxiety, mild tachycardia, mild dp/dr, cog-fog, dizziness, mild infrequent headaches, etc) also continue this "peeling away" pattern as well. I find that I no longer experience "windows" and "waves", but more of a general pattern of gradually (slowly?) getting better and better as more time passes.  I think that this lack of window/wave experience can create a deceptive impression that "this is as good as it gets" or may tempt to ask the question "is this just me" or "is this as good as it gets".  But we should not be fooled by this deception ~ it is only the perception we experience from the slow unfolding and ebb/flow patterns of a healing brain. 

 

The "fears" I developed in withdrawal continue to waver and diminish ~ partly from diligently working on facing them, and partly due to the passage of time and more healing occurring.  Both elements (me working on things, and me "not" working on things I don't control) do seem to make a difference, for me personally.  I do still find myself with a response to things my body reads as "stimuli" ~ both the 'good' and 'non-good' kinds of stimuli.  I do experience what appears as a random "intense" slap of symptoms from time to time over the past couple months, and I see where people use the term "acute" to describe it.  Intuitively, I know that it is not truly like acute at all, but that I merely have the perception of this type of intensity because of the stark contrast between my normal day-to-day medium and this brief "intense slap".  The "response" my body/mind has at times becoming more manageable all the time, and I find solace in controlling my response to the "response".  'Controlling my response to the response' means, to me, keeping focused on the positive, keeping faith in healing, and saying a collective "no thank you" to fear.  Overall, I am very grateful and amazed at how far I've come, and am looking forward to the remainder of healing manifesting in the next couple months.

 

I hope this helps display accurately how I am feeling today!  I do many things that I temporarily "delayed" doing while I was in the midst of taper and post-withdrawal, such as travel, hang with friends, work a part-time "fun" job outside of my full-time job, babysit, exercise longer, spend time in heat outside (summer months), and on and on!  Things truly do continue to get better and better, friends.  We are healing, everyday in every way!  Getting closer all the time (thank God)!!

 

Take care buddies, I hope this helps you a little to know where I'm at

 

Mrs.

 

Hi Mrs! You always sound so positive! I agree with everything you said! I especially love that phrase "say no to fear!" - I do this all day everyday! Just basically not allowing the that "fear" feeling to control me. It isn't real anyway. I always think that being anxious and fearful won't change outcomes either. What will be will be. It is and has to be a constant mind over matter kind of thinking though because the feeling is so intense still at 6 ms off. It feels more like "vibrating" on the inside to me, does that make sense? It is highly uncomfortable but I keep pushing through. I find if I can just put one step in front of the other and GO than it all works out fine. Like today. I am so tired. More tired than I have been recently. I have zero energy or drive to do anything. But I know if I just get up and GO that most of the things I want or need to do will get done and I will be just fine. Tired, but fine . But I too know I can and do more things than I could during my taper. I didn't go anywhere then. Now I force myself to go out with friends, see family, go places. Things are not always "real" feeling yet totally, I still suffer from feeling disconnected, but now I know that feeling and try my hardest to push through it  . I hope things continue to go well for you!!

 

Grinch 

 

I haven't been on bb for awhile but had a feeling today to come on and see how everyone is doing and I'm so glad I did.  I'm coming up on 11 months and reading your posts, Mrs and Grinch, has put me at ease.  Sometimes I think...shouldn't I be completely recovered by now?  I don't really have windows and waves either at this point, at least not the extremes I had in the earlier months.  I am still very fatigued and the past two months my whole body aches, but not every day.  I still have to watch what I eat and be careful not to overexert myself or earlier symptoms reoccur.  I am able to exercise now where I couldn't even a month ago.  On any given day I may have tinnitus, dizziness and bouts of depression but they are much milder than before and I recognize them as part of the healing process.  I have learned so much from everyone here and I use the tools I've collected over the past 11 months to get through the days that are rough.

 

One thing I can say...no matter how difficult it's been these past 11 months (and especially the first few months), it's been worth everything it's taken to hang in there.

 

Kinia, Saraa and anyone else who might be struggling right now....don't give up!! 

 

Blessings to all 

 

[[Li...]]

I haven't posted on here for awhile... I'm sorry so many are suffering.   Had a horrrible bout with my stomach that lasted a month there abouts.  Had cramping in intestines.. someone told me about colofac and my doctor gave me a script for some.  This helped so much.  Then I had over a week long glorious window!!!  I had to pinch myself to see if it was real.  That was the first window I've ever had that lasted beyond 2 or 3 days. 

 

I didn't post this to gloat, but to offer hope.. I'm getting better, my baseline is rising.  It will happen for you too.  I was 10 months out on Saturday.  Although I'm teetering between wave and window now, I have hope for more long windows in the future.

 

Hang in there and God bless everyone! 

 

Lilly555

[[ra...]]

Whitebird and Lilly, congratulations on your milestones! It's really wonderful to see your updates. I haven't been on here much at all in the last month, which I think is a good sign, but I have certainly been thinking of you on this forum, especially those who are struggling, and wishing you well.

 

If you are suffering from depression and terrible fear, my heart goes out to you. It's just unimaginably tough; I've been a writer my whole life and I still felt like it was impossible to really explain the depths of benzo despair to someone who wasn't experiencing it. Just so disorienting in every way. But like mrsalw put it so beautifully, I too am finding that slowly but surely the bad thoughts are lessening and more good thoughts are coming in. Today isn't always better than yesterday, but I feel like today is definitely better than one month ago. It is SO HARD to feel encouraged and not like "oh no, is this as good as it gets"—it's so hard to even think clearly or feel like myself—but at the same time it's SO MUCH EASIER than it was several months ago. So healing must be happening.

 

A week or so ago I got a Johanna Basford coloring book ( http://www.johannabasford.com/books ), and coloring for an hour or so every night has really helped me get into a calm state for sleep. I think I might even be having more pleasant dreams because of it. My friend recommended this specific book to me, but if you have a printer you can search for coloring pages online and print them out (I did this for awhile before deciding to splurge on a book!). If you can get into that at all I hope it brings you a similar peaceful experience.

 

I'm eleven months + one day benzo-free today and only just starting to hope that maybe in another year or two I will have totally come back to myself and am able to be happy. It still feels very scary to hope but if you can't believe in yourself yet I will keep believing for all of you because our brains can heal!!!!

[[Li...]]

Rapunzel... coloring is a great way to relax and distract.  Thanks for that link.  I crochet and though it doesn't always help me to be calm if feally in a bad wave.. it keeps my mind and hands occupied and creating something is satisfying.  Seeing every stitch become a part of a whole.  There's a reason they let patients do basket weaving on the behavioral medicine units.. it's calming and helps funnel thoughts in one direction.  I don't know about anyone else but some days my mind and thoughts are so scattered.  You're a month ahead of me, and I pray you see even more healing beyond this point.  Onward we go everyone.. cause we're certainly not going back..

 

Lilly 555

[Guest [Ty...]]

Kinia and Saraa -- I haven't posted on this thread before, but you two sound like I feel today.  I'm exhausted from trying.  I'm 7 months out and while my daytime energy and attitude are good (sometimes even great), night time anxiety has turned into panic again.  Earlier on, I was able to use hope, breathing, mindfulness, and other "tricks" to get through it, but am getting tricked out.  I don't have little anxieties at night -- I wake in full blown panic/terror.  I know it's a brain chemistry thing, but it's still pretty horrifying to live with for hours on end.  99% of the time, It's only this bad when it's dark out.  I messaged my PCP earlier to ask for a prescription for low dose trazodone.  I've been off of everything other than estrogen replacement (post hysterectomy), don't drink, don't smoke, eat really well, exercise to a comfortable level, get out in nature, listen to good music, etc., but it's still there...  I've signed up and payed for an 8 week MBSR course to try and improve my grasp of mind over matter, but that won't start till Sept 1st. 

 

I guess I'm posting mainly to ask if trazodone has helped anyone with anxiety/panic.  I don't need it for sleep, as I can sleep when there's no panic interrupting it.  I'd rather not hear about trazodone problems, as I've read plenty of that stuff and am still willing to try it if it might help the panic. 

 

Thanks all -- and I promise to be more upbeat another day.         

[[Sa...]]

Tybee,

 

I have never heard of trazodone so no experience there to share.

But if its any solace my depression lifted after a few days.  Just incase you want to ride this out.  We both went off about the same time & maybe your night time panic will evaporate in a few days too.  Hope so very much.  This may very well be the last symptom attempt by the benzo monster.  Like in the movies one last waking of the thought dead villain before finally pooof. Gone

 

[Guest [Ty...]]

Hi Saraa,

 

Thanks for the encouragement --and I'm really glad that your depression has lifted.  I know it's a crazy winding road that we travel, but I've been struggling with panic for a while and it feels like it means business this time.  Trazodone is an antidepressant (also used for anxiety and insomnia) that doesn't mess with GABA receptors, so the main issues would be dealing with some side effects that would probably be better than the panic itself.  Some people (not all) have trouble getting off of it, but it's nothing like benzo or alcohol withdrawal.  One of the hardest things is that the panic hits at night and I live alone, so just sit here feeling like a vulnerable target for something that doesn't even exist in reality, but feels very real.  Ugh! 

 

I want it to go poof, like the movie villain!  That made me smile           

[[Sa...]]

Tybee,

 

Post in as many threads here on BB, i am sure a lot of people will come forward with their experiences.

I am so glad i made you smile & so here poof, poof, poof, poof all the way through the night to keep a smile on your face. 

Honey i know what you are saying, it is hard when we are by ourselves and panic creeps in. 

 

Let me tell you what i do with it, hopefully i'll make you laugh out loud this time.

I talk it out with myself as i am sure you have done too.

I tell it to P..s off and then i say to myself, ok, go ahead if you want to panic. where the heck do you think that's gonna get you, go ahead panic all you want, harder louder more , where is it going to get you, etc etc and then it just stops,  I tell it to get off my back and call it all the names out there......Its almost it knows when its trying to get on board of someone who is just doesn't care enough, it gets off and moves on to somebody else i guess.  I say to it, i am too busy and b....y tired so just P..s off, i need my beauty rest and beautiful breathing and meditaion.  And it goes

Give it a try, hope it works for you, if not then you've had a good laugh

lots of love, huggs

saraa

[Guest [Ty...]]

Haha!  You did make me smile again!  And somehow, reading what you wrote lightened my spirit and took away some of my fear.  I'm sitting in bed, getting ready to turn the light off, so will read your post again and go to sleep with positive thoughts in my head.  Thank you for that, Saraa!   

[[el...]]

Yay, I made it to 6 - 12 mons thread.  truthfully I feel pretty darn good, my muscles are finally starting to knot and tense less.  When I am overly tired I still can get that benzo'ed muscle feeling but other than that and a bunch of twitches and spasms from tired muscles, life is better.

 

I still feels some weird periods of depression but I am really working on eating clean, I think that is helping me.  I am eating as many good bacteria critters as I can naturally. Blood work looks pretty good other than a really high b6 count, I think that will fall into line soon. 

 

This whole journey has been an eye opening experience. A medical induced journey that most practitioners deny even exist.  Thank goodness we all found this place. 

[[Li...]]

Welcome to the 6th-12th month thread elmo!   

[[Sa...]]

How is everyone doing here on 6-12? I thought to post where i am at in my 7th month to be completed on Aug 24th just so we can all have something to compare with or be hopeful of.

All is good here.

Getting a lot done

Emotionally and physically strong

Volatility has gone.

I dare not say that i am totally recovered as when i did in my 6th month when i was taken down by a 5 day intense depression so will just say how i am for now though i do feel totally recovered 

 

The sense of wellness is very different to the one in my 6th month where when i felt completely healed and recovered i felt ecstatic almost manic.  But after the 5 day of depression this feeling of wellness is more of a calm even and leveled sense of being.  Its not the over the moon but just a fine almost a guarded feeling

 

I hope it'll help bring some hope if any are not feeling well these days.

 

[[Li...]]

Hi Saara... I'm glad you're feeling pretty well.  It's good to hear when things improve for people.  I'm in month 10 and have been hit with lots of CNS symptoms.. along with cog fog, dizziness, et...  I keep holding on to my one week window and how wonderful it was.. I know it will return.. 

 

Lilly

[[MT...]]

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well and feeling calm, Saraa.

 

I'll hit 8 months on Friday. Still struggling with insomnia, fatigue, cog fog, tachycardia and paresthesias but better than it was even a month ago. The fear that keeps coming up is that my thinking won't get better. I try not to ruminate about it but when I can't do or understand something I get discouraged.