6-12 month thread....

[[Li...]]

Thanks Saraa... that's a great way to look at it! 

[[Al...]]

I've been in a window for the past three weeks (maybe even longer). All of the sudden out of the blue I felt weirdness come over me. I can't even describe it but I just felt weird in my head. (No anxiety, no fast pulse, no fast heart beat and no pain). It abated in about 3 minutes. Has anyone ever experienced this? It was so weird and definitely Benzo related.

[[Li...]]

Fran.. this is similar to my experience... out of the blue with the odd sensations. 

[[Al...]]

Fran.. this is similar to my experience... out of the blue with the odd sensations. 

 

Lilly I'm sorry to hear about this but I'm glad someone else experienced it. How long did it last? What do you think was happening?

Fran

[[Li...]]

Thanks Fran... it seemed to be triggered by going out in the garden and sitting.  Never had that problem before.  Feeling ok then bam!  Eyes, forehead, felt squeezed, and drawn.  It's hard to describe.  It happened only for seconds then let up, then happened again off and on while I was sitting out there.  Maybe the light?? Haven't a clue, and had no clue what was happening. 

[[Al...]]

Lilly-I'm not a doctor but the squeezing sounds like it could have been muscles contracting. I just felt complete weirdness and I threw myself onto my elliptical and it abated. Healing is so odd and there is no set reason why anything happens.

[[va...]]

hey Buddies

i am kinda okey today/in my ups of my baseline/

maybe is due to the fact that is sunny...

anyways...

 

do you think is normal to be off for 5,5 months and kinda be in your normal weight

and then

at 6 months off

to start losing weight???

 

 

48 kg

 

i was before 51-52 kg

 

 

plus i lost all my appetite ...

i could literally drink only water all day long

and no excitement in front of the food?

 

 

 

v

 

[[Li...]]

Fran... I totally agree!! 

 

Vasilisa... I don't think it's unusual at all.  I've had times in withdrawal, and post withdrawal where I've lost weight, and couldn't eat.  But also times when all I wanted to do was eat.  Just don't let yourself get to an unhealthy weight, and make certain you are not low on nutrients.. 

[[Ka...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am in a terrible wave right now and have a vacation planned for the 4th.  Does anyone know whether in general it gets better around the 11.5 months mark? I am close to 11.5 months post Xanax stoppage and need to decide whether I should stress myself on the vacation (during a wave) or bypass it.

 

Thanks,

 

Kantu

 

 

 

[[ra...]]

Kantu, it's really hard to say in general as everyone's experience is different. It is extremely frustrating, I agree. I think you have to trust your own instincts and make the best decision you can with how you are feeling now.

 

I had one weekend recently where I pushed myself and met some new people and it was tough but afterwards I was really glad I did it. And then this past weekend, the fatigue was just too much and I went back on some plans. I don't really know what the right decision is but try to take care of yourself no matter what and don't beat yourself up for whatever decision you make.

[[Li...]]

Hi kantu... I think repunzleblue gave really great advice.  It really is difficult to give advice on this.  So many times I too have pushed through an activity and did alright.  Make sure you have packed all the things you'll need to cope while away.  This list is different for everyone.  I always make sure I have my glucose pills, cane, antacids, water and comfy clothes.  These things are common sense I guess, but if you're caught out without them it's stressful.  And running to find a store to get them can be stressful too.  I pray you're feeling stable enough to go, and if you do go, don't forget to find a quiet time and place to practice breathing and relaxing techniques. 

[[Sl...]]

I'm joining this thread-group to stay balanced attitude wise.

I have a pet theory I hang onto when I am in a wave like I am today.

Theory goes that I am always 51% healed. The reason I say that is because even

in a vicious wave like right now I can track and deflect my intrusive thought loops.

Today a few got away and ran for a full 3-minutes of doom and gloom views of the future or past.

I had my first normal days in month-7. Four so far. it feels like 90% with maybe a tiny symptom

every 1-2 hours. But in between is silent focus and pleasant thoughts inside of a mellow connected

feeling towards everything.

 

@Fran  Had my first normal walks with uninterrupted gait walking fast with full flex in my stride.

Today started as a turtle walk with aches and pains but second half normal. About 3.5 miles nice area.

 

@JACD almost forgot you then a memory dump and I remembered you. Glad your hanging in there Dude!

This long walk back to sanity is a very lonely task and familiar faces sure brighten up the landscape.

 

---

 

Very tough wave today but my usual late day-night relief is settling in. Been watching -sense8- on Netflix.

Hang in there BB's because the prize of a semi-reasonable future without withdrawal symptoms is worth it.

 

edited-for hallacious grammar flub / my brain my brain come home already 

[[Al...]]

 

@Fran  Had my first normal walks with uninterrupted gait walking fast with full flex in my stride.

Today started as a turtle walk with aches and pains but second half normal. About 3.5 miles nice area.

 

Slowhand59-GREAT job walking keep it up because your brain and BDNF will reward you. Have you read the book Spark by Dr. John Ratey? I emailed Dr. Ratey while reading Spark and he feels that exercise will up regulate GabaA receptors. 

[[MT...]]

Slowhand, I've been writing down on my calendar whenever I have a good (feeling good but still with some symptoms) day. I've had my first good days in 2 and a half years these past 3 weeks--about 9 so far. I hope your wave passes soon and you have lots of good days.

 

[[Sa...]]

 

I thought i had recovered but i noticed an escalating depression coming on and today it is really bad.

[[Sl...]]

 

I thought i had recovered but i noticed an escalating depression coming on and today it is really bad.

 

I've thought many times I was on a smooth predictable pathway.

The subtler my symptoms get the more I am tempted to think its me and not withdrawal.

Going to force myself out for a walk.

[[Sl...]]

Slowhand, I've been writing down on my calendar whenever I have a good (feeling good but still with some symptoms) day. I've had my first good days in 2 and a half years these past 3 weeks--about 9 so far. I hope your wave passes soon and you have lots of good days.

 

That is a good sign. I keep track of them too in my log.

As my brain settles down the symptoms are so subtle they feel like knew stuff.

But when I think and check back it is a hard core symptom that devolved into something

less intense.

[[MT...]]

 

I thought i had recovered but i noticed an escalating depression coming on and today it is really bad.

 

I'm sorry you've hit a depression bump. I sure hope it passes soon. Depression makes everything else heavier.

 

These past couple days I noticed a remarkable thing. For the first time since insomnia hit in Nov of 2012 then I started on the wd ordeal 4/13, I no longer relate to Thoreau's quote of "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I know this probably won't last but I'm so thankful to feel any progress.

[[Sa...]]

MTfan,

 

So happy you are seeing progress. 

Continued healing.

Oddly enough the depression disappeared for me as i finished writing here. for now 

[[Al...]]

 

I thought i had recovered but i noticed an escalating depression coming on and today it is really bad.

 

I'm sorry you've hit a depression bump. I sure hope it passes soon. Depression makes everything else heavier.

 

These past couple days I noticed a remarkable thing. For the first time since insomnia hit in Nov of 2012 then I started on the wd ordeal 4/13, I no longer relate to Thoreau's quote of "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." I know this probably won't last but I'm so thankful to feel any progress.

 

MTFAN-I am so happy to hear that you are feeling better and making progress. Most people feel they have turned a corner at 6 months. How are you sleeping?

[[MT...]]

Saraa, I'm glad your depression has lifted.

 

I managed to have 5 good days in a row until yesterday. That feels like a gift. I'm getting some sleep every night now because I decided to take meds nightly for awhile. One of the aspects of CBT-insomnia is that you have to build associations between bed and sleep and night and sleep. I realized that after over 2 years of insomnia my brain no longer associated night with sleep. So I'm going to do this for a few months until I'm further down the recovery road.

 

How do you folks feel your brains are doing? I still feel pretty brain damaged--I have difficulty following things and with reading comprehension,  retention, and memory. It worries me. I've seen some progress but not a huge amount.

[[Sa...]]

MTfan,

 

Thank you,

I am interested in CBT also and its what is being recommended these days.

I hope it works for your sleep. Please let us know here how effective it is and how long it takes.

I wish your sleep to correct itself soon, its really tough to go without.

 

CFS, is probably one of the hardest symptoms of recovery but am glad you are doing better with it.

Hang in there,

Hugs

Saraa

[[MT...]]

I went through a CBT-i program this past winter. It was helpful the first couple of weeks when I was still tapering and then I stopped being able to sleep. That wasn't a failure on CBT-i's part just where my brain was/is. Still, I apply what I learned and it helps keep me calmer about the sleep thing. It shifts your perspective. The University of VA has an on-line program that is $135, I believe for 6-8 weeks. It's worth it if you can swing it. Everyone else I've known whose gone through it has had great results. They have an 85% success rate.

[[ra...]]

MTfan, the Thoreau quote you mentioned has been in my mind too! I relate to it more than ever these days and that is frightening and overwhelming. I am so glad you didn't relate to it, even if it was for a short time. Thanks for spreading some hope.

 

I hope your sleep continues to get better and that you're able to remake your sleep-night-bed associations! Thanks to the tricyclic antidepressant I have just started on, I have been sleeping a LOT these days and I am hoping that's a good sign and means healing is happening. I'm grateful to be able to sleep at all. I'm terrified of having disturbing dreams but I have only had those for one or two out of the past several weeks. That feels amazing!

[[mr...]]

Hiya gang,

 

I am 8 months free from benzos today ~ whoa!  I almost missed it, actually!  

 

I find myself still healing (like many of us!).  The "fear" continues to peel away, losing frequency and intensity more and more as time passes, in the usual ebb-and-flow pattern we experience.  The remaining others (anxiety, mild tachycardia, mild dp/dr, cog-fog, dizziness, mild infrequent headaches, etc) also continue this "peeling away" pattern as well. I find that I no longer experience "windows" and "waves", but more of a general pattern of gradually (slowly?) getting better and better as more time passes.  I think that this lack of window/wave experience can create a deceptive impression that "this is as good as it gets" or may tempt to ask the question "is this just me" or "is this as good as it gets".  But we should not be fooled by this deception ~ it is only the perception we experience from the slow unfolding and ebb/flow patterns of a healing brain. 

 

The "fears" I developed in withdrawal continue to waver and diminish ~ partly from diligently working on facing them, and partly due to the passage of time and more healing occurring.  Both elements (me working on things, and me "not" working on things I don't control) do seem to make a difference, for me personally.  I do still find myself with a response to things my body reads as "stimuli" ~ both the 'good' and 'non-good' kinds of stimuli.  I do experience what appears as a random "intense" slap of symptoms from time to time over the past couple months, and I see where people use the term "acute" to describe it.  Intuitively, I know that it is not truly like acute at all, but that I merely have the perception of this type of intensity because of the stark contrast between my normal day-to-day medium and this brief "intense slap".  The "response" my body/mind has at times becoming more manageable all the time, and I find solace in controlling my response to the "response".  'Controlling my response to the response' means, to me, keeping focused on the positive, keeping faith in healing, and saying a collective "no thank you" to fear.  Overall, I am very grateful and amazed at how far I've come, and am looking forward to the remainder of healing manifesting in the next couple months.

 

I hope this helps display accurately how I am feeling today!  I do many things that I temporarily "delayed" doing while I was in the midst of taper and post-withdrawal, such as travel, hang with friends, work a part-time "fun" job outside of my full-time job, babysit, exercise longer, spend time in heat outside (summer months), and on and on!  Things truly do continue to get better and better, friends.  We are healing, everyday in every way!  Getting closer all the time (thank God)!!

 

Take care buddies, I hope this helps you a little to know where I'm at

 

Mrs.