6-12 month thread....

[[fl...]]

Life, your raised hand analogy makes so much sense.  It's like we're so hair-trigger now toward every possible thing that could set off a wave.

 

Hang in there, dear Coop.  You're gonna make it, just like we all will!

[[li...]]

hey guys and gals,

 

Wanted to report back on something that is defiantly healing -- I no linger feel uncomfortable around people. At least not lately. I am going to gradation parties and the like and feeling great about it. That was not the case even one month ago. I do believe that my stubbornness to not let anxiety stop me from doing something is what has made me stronger. I just continue to go into my fears. It is so important to push ourselves ever so much so as to keep moving forward. Even when you want to run just go for it. It breaks the cycle of fear and anxiety.

 

life

[[Co...]]

I am with you there Life....I just got mad mad mad....and went outside...talked to some neighbors did a bunch of house chores ....all the whilea my anxiety is rolling back and forth between high anxiety and panic.  My head is buzzing and pulsing my b/p is jumping around 140/ 80...165/ -80 ( the prednizone is still active in my body) I have not had a moments relief from anxiety ...and it totally pisses me off...so I am just doing my best to ignore it and go about my day...Is anyone else having constant physical anxiety and tinnitus....I know this will get better because I dont think it can get much worse.    Onward...... coop

 

[[li...]]

There is a concept in modern psychology of breaking cycles. It says that anxiety is nothing more than a cycle and if you break one of the cycles it will eventually just give up. It starts with acceptance ( this is the hardest point) but the second one is just as hard desensitization.

So our minds say stay away from the stressor ( the neighbor, mailman, work et) and you will feel better. It is true that you feel better initially but then a layer of anxiety gets added as the anxiety is reinforced. If you visit that dreaded neighbor, mailman etc then you actually win and that sends a positive feedback to your brain and you then lesson anxiety long term. I used this method with some social anxiety that I have had during w/d and it has helped tremendously. i went to 5 parties in the last two weeks and am now feeling comfortable with people. My poor wife is so helpful -- she actually stood by me at the first party and saw me struggling and she said "I can see the situation clearly and there is nothing to be afraid of." I believed her and saw my own anxiety.

 

I understand the harshness of near panic anxiety lasting for days but if you can just overcome it it will subside. Pain is truly gain with the anxiety buggy man. I am convinced that some of us experiencing w/d will actually make our anxiety larger and scarier because we tend to get overwhelmed and shy away from any stimulus and hence the anxiety grows. It is such a delicate balance between taking care of ourselves and overcoming anxiety. W/d can get much worse because of the w/d but if we do not push ourselves we then get higher anxiety long term even though we may have been healing all along.

 

My biggest issue is when I think I took something that is making my anxiety higher because then I feel helpless as it is the "medication" -- and before I know it I feel overwhelmed and helpless because I convince myself that it was the thing I ingested and hence not in my control. Wow, these benzo w/d truly do set up a weird situation for us all.  I'm not saying that there are things that set off anxiety -- there reasonable is. But same may claim that donuts set off the anxiety and if they believe it they will have a full blown panic attack. (again that is not to say that things do set us off in actuality).Remember we are healing!!!!

 

life

[[je...]]

Life, so your saying if we keep facing our anxiety its a good thing and will eventually get better? I had 2 soccer games and a party to go to today, and I was in sheer panic the whole time. I am home now and feel like I have been run over by a truck, I had this anxiety since 6am this morning until 4:30 pm. I just keep thinking, how can I get myself to calm down? I used to take a benzo and poof all my anxiety was gone, I have nothing now- so what to do? I don't know what Im so freaked out about--a couple of games and a party but  Im a complete mess. I don't see how I can live my life like this, its ridiculous. Has anyone used meditation and has it helped? What exactly is CBT, and does it work?

[[li...]]

Jenny absolutely. One of the books that I have read is At Last A life by Paul David. Please get this book as it will help you immensely. It is written by a person that is a long time sufferer and is healed 100%. Envision your anxiety as a wall or fence that does not want you to get over and around it. If you do not go outside your limits of the fence you get a short term happiness from being inside the boundaries. But eventually the narrow place that you have to live in becomes unbearable and you get even more anxious or worts the walls start closing in on you ( not in actually ). What you did by going out should not be looked upon as a failure but as a success. But the mindset should be " I am doing this because I am not going to let my anxiety get the best of me. I will do it no matter how anxious I am!!!"

 

Now if you go through the wall you broaden your horizon but going up against the wall you feel panic in the short term but the brain readjust so that the next time the outer wall gets bigger and your space gets larger and your fear starts to diminish. I know this CBT works ( cognitive behavioral therapy ) and everyone on benzo buddies must get CBT because you have to come up with new coping skills.

 

Today I asked my neigbor to come with me to have some afternoon coffee. I have not done that in 20 years! If I have extreme anxiety I might just go over and say hello and call that a success. BREAK THE CYCLE AND THE BRAIN READJUSTS. I felt very uncomfortable at first but then started feeling much better and then totally happy that I was able to broaden my wall. I know that it is hard but I am telling you that you can overcome anxiety. I am seeing it in my life. Please get the Book "At Last A life". Many of the success stories are because people have found new CBT coping skills. Benzos prevent you from feeling enough to do CBT. We are going to make this together!!!

 

Life

[[li...]]

Yes I use meditation every day and I learned Transcendental Meditation. You must be taught by a teacher. Google it. Its great and yes with time it slows the mind down. It is a good adjunct.

 

God bless you.

 

life

[[pe...]]

Hi Jenny,

You made it! I'm sorry it was so tough. I'm still in tough days myself.  :'(

I sure hope all things ease up for us sooner rather than later. I do think meditation can be very helpful. It is one thing I have not found the discipline for, but one thing that I've heard helps to rewire the brain. Maybe we should do a 10 day challenge. Like we'll both try to meditate for ten minutes for the next ten days. Each day we can post - Did it. Or something like that. Just an idea. Always working towards healing.

 

Hugs to you! You really showed up for your sweet family today. I'm gonna go meditate. 

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Hi Folks - For me there is a complicated, delicate balance between "cocooning" and "exposure" that I do not understand. I just know it is there. And as I gradually recover I can take longer amounts of "exposure" sometimes.

 

Intentionally spent about 4 hours outside today, wandering about. Glanced at my "stress-o-meter" badge occasionally (its like one of those radiation badges only imaginary). And it did slowly move up over the hours. And after about 4 hours I recognized I had done enough for today. Walked home. Can't say I am a total train wreck, but a few cars did de-rail. Slept for a couple of hours. Feels like a 5 on my benzo-scale of 10.

 

Life, Jenny, Peace, Coop - Good to hear from you today.

 

Good Healing.

[[je...]]

Thank you life, peace, and nova! Life I'm going to get that book, thank you. Peace I think that is a great idea, I'm going to try and meditate tonight- after the day I had it has to help. Anyone who wants to join the meditation band wagon with us? We could all do it together and help each other along. Thanks for all the support, I really felt like a complete failure today and you guys just made me feel so much better. I can't wait until the day that social activities don't bother me anymore. I've always had social anxiety even pre benzo so I'm very fearful that I will not conquer this burden. Thanks buddies, jenny

[[li...]]

nova, jenny, peace,

 

great that you are going to do meditation. I feel like I am trying so many things that I hardly know what it is that is working BUT I do know that meditation truly does work. Focus on the breath and do not care about the mental charter that goes on-- don't judge it and there is no right or wrong in mediation -- there is "just is". Thoughts will go and come. Look at the thoughts while mediation like a stock ticker tape and it just goes from one side of the screen and then to the other side and they disappear. Chatter will happen but as time goes by they will fade.

 

Love to all!

 

life

[[No...]]

Good Morning, Folks -

 

I was introduced to meditation many years ago through a workshop on breathwork that I attended. A while later I found Jon Kabat-Zinn's book "Full Catastrophe Living". I was originally fascinated with the title because of Nikos Kazantzakis' book "Zorba The Greek". I am really dating myself here. Last year Kabat-Zinn released a 20th anniversary edition of "Full Catastrophe Living" (amazon.com). It is a marvelous resource book for experienced meditators and those just beginning. There are also tapes of his available. Also, many encouraging videos on YouTube.

 

One of the fascinating aspects of my process of tolerance withdrawal, tapering and recovery is how effective the "practices" I have used over these many years actually were, even though in the moment I felt they were all useless. Initially, I sought them out because I was looking for a "cure". As I did not become aware of the benzo process until about year before I began tapering, I did not understand that the only "cure" was to stop using the drug and recover from it. The initial trigger for me was Robert Whitaker's work (see Mad In America.com).

 

I know, first hand how maddeningly frustrating any reading or listening can be during this process of recovery. I spent many, many months where any kind of reading or listening felt like an "allergic reaction". It was a tremendous blessing when these gradually returned for me. I still have times when I just cannot stand to read or listen, but they are getting fewer and fewer. Another indication that healing is occuring.

 

The gist of my little Sunday homily is that even though my experiences, in the moment, of Tai Chi, Benson's "Relaxation Respoonse" and Kabat-Zinn's MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) practices were frustrating and felt useless, they were not. I now believe that they were part of the "foundation glue" that held me together for so very long. And today I can see, however dimly, that they were wonderful gifts I was giving myself.

 

I encourage anyone, everyone, to find something they can feel connected to, it does not matter what, and to practice, practice, and then practice some more. Any of the "gentle arts" will help, however subliminally, along this twisting road to recovery.

 

We are all unique and will each experience these practices differently along the way. If you can, do them with the spirit that you are giving yourself a gift. The only "cure" is time, as we all know, even though that is so hard to accept sometimes in the throws of this process.

 

I will be there, each day, for our group meditation.

 

Good Healing.

[[No...]]

Life - thanks for the encouraging post. I believe that even though each of us brings our own unique experience to the practice, and will each experience the practice in our own way, there is an additional blessing in meditating as a group. As with all of these many "practices" of the "gentle arts" the benefit is in the doing and the being in the moment whatever "comes up".

 

Good Healing.

[[am...]]

Hi Everyone - I certainly agree that anything that we can do to consciously and subconsciously lower our stress levels is a great thing. That said, I never took benzos for anxiety and I am extremely frustrated at how much this drug changes how we process stress and emotions. Don't beat yourself up too much over how you think you are not able to deal with life without benzos. It is NOT just because you are anxious and high strung. This crap seriously changes how our brains function and I can't wait to heal and be functioning normal again. Good healing all.

[[Sk...]]

Hi everybody!

 

I love the idea of a group meditation challenge. That said, it scares me a little as I'm afraid of being with myself these days.

 

What technique should I try? I know so very little on the subject.

 

I agree with... sorry I don't remember specifically which buddy said it! But I do agree with him/her, the agoraphobia is letting up for me too! YAY!

 

Who  said that he (it was a guy, that I know!) had gone to 5 parties in 2 weeks? I haven't been to 5 parties in 2 years and benzos had nothing to do with it! I want to make up for it big time, though!

 

About socializing, I just realised that it doesn't help to be meeting many oddballs. Until now, I've always blamed myself (don't ask me why!!) and been forgiving. But, really, I have wd to explain why I'm odd, what justification can these people give for their behaviour?

 

In wd I can't afford this luxury.

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

Yesterday, something amazing happened. Mr Sky and I went to an event in a distant town. Many people, many things happening.

 

My symptoms stayed home for the day!!!!!

 

I couldn't wait to tell you guys about it!!

 

There was  a lot I couldn't do. My legs still buckle under me, if I try to do anything more elaborate than walking. I can't do some movements with my arms. The list is long and you know it better than I do.

 

BUT I also didn't have vibrations and palps for a whole, long day

 

The air felt lighter, there was less fog over my head!

 

I couldn't follow the speeches, my attention is still very off, but I had a lovely day and then, I slept like a log!!!

 

People asked for street directions and my heart didn't hurt!

 

I ate a yoghurt and it was the tastiest thing that I had eaten in ages.

 

The band played  " With a little help from my friends" and I thought of you guys, that are helping me and Mr Sky enormously.

 

Sorry for the long post, I know how hard it is to read something long in this state.

 

Take care, all of you!

 

Remind me of this day when I'll be moaning!

 

 

[[pe...]]

Hello Friends,

I've sat twice now, not yet calling it meditating, but I've put myself in the place where it could happen. I'm hoping with practice it will evolve. I think I'm in that place of feeling like meditation is frustrating that Nova mentioned. I'm looking for some good guided meditations of YouTube if anyone has suggestions. Or any hints, ideas, techniques with a few guidelines that are fairly simple. I'm in no position to read a book, unless it has pictures and just one or two sentences per page. 

 

I'm going to try to get outside today, Nova. The birds are singing and everything is green here. I'm hoping you get a better reading on your stress-o-meter today. I'm guessing lower numbers correspond to lower stress.

 

Jenny- you are amazing. You only fail if you don't try, isn't that how the saying goes? I hope you get to step back today after showing up for everyone yesterday.

 

Hi Ama- I agree that this benzo mess takes our emotions to another world. I too am looking forward to coming back to earth. I appreciate your energy around this. You've got some fire. I do too. Something is waking up inside of us.

 

Coop

I am leaving some beautiful, delicious crumbs on the path for you today. My doctor, like Life, talks about breaking the cycle of anxiety. I think exercise can do this. Do you drink tea? Ginger tea while in the lavender Epsom salt bath?

 

Sky!!!!! That's an awesome update. Congratulations and thanks for sharing it with us. Since it's here you'll be able to look back on it again and again with the bonus of having inspiration to move forward. I love that song- little help from my friends. Oh what a blessing the BB is! It sounds like you and Mr. Sky are seeing real improvements. Whoot!

 

Be well friends.

Peace

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the great posts, you are all very wise and have great advice. I did 30 min of guided meditation on a YouTube video- sorry peace I can't remember the name I just picked one on anxiety. Anyhow I started to feel calm and relax toward the end, but once I got up I started having the anxiety again. My question is does the meditation only work while you are doing it? How do you get the calm feelings to continue  when you are done meditating? Thanks guys, jenny

[[li...]]

Sky, this is so cool. You see how we broadened our horizons -- you did not let anxiety beat you.! It was me that went to 5 parties in two weeks. Its like my job now -- going into my fears no matter how uncomfortable. I decided I will not jump out of a plane -- probably ever!

 

Jenny, Peace, Ana and Nova,

 

This is so awesome that you all are meditating. You all provided some great advice on meditating. There is a few you tube videos that are good. I will check and post.

 

Coop,

 

We are here for you. No matter what has happened -- if you hit an anxiety cycle or anything -- we are here!

 

life

[[Gr...]]

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been thinking all day about how to post my update...it is.not preatty ..at all...but ironically it has renewed my commitment. to this grueling process.It is also a commitment. to honesty with friends...

.....I posted ealier and on the medication board about the problem I was having with amoxicillin......non-stop anxiety and a b/p out of site ( 190/ 85. at two junctures) that was not well responsive to my atenolol. I did not at first connect my intense s/x to the antibiotic. I posted on the ' Other Medications ' board as a " what if " thought but really thinking it was the usual w/d Becksblue responded with a potentially life saving answer. She informed me that smoxicillin çan produce anxiety as a s/x of. adverse reaction ....Today my b/p spiked to 208/ 98...triggering big panic My doc is close by and saw

 

 

 

me immediately....He diagnosed adverse antibiotic reaction wanted me to go to the hospital., but was agreeable to having me go home if my daughter stayed overnight with me. He prescribed a steroid to prevent further reactions..my throat was scratchy Andrews my mouth had a burning sensation. ....Here issu the hard truth part...he wanted to give

me 10 mg Valium b/c my b/p was not responding well to low dose atenolol......b/c he is so

)respectful of my w/d he agreed to start with 2,5. ..My b/p began coming down within half an hour and I went home .......He understands w/d and did not try to send me home with a month 's prescription..he sent me home with 2 5 mg tablets...which I have not needed

....I have mixed feelings about taking the Valium...in terms of being a member on the forum and specifically on this thread. I don't want to start counting all over again, but I also want to. respect the integrity of the forum. I am commiy to continueing my w/d and am hoping 2,5 mg of Valium is not going to.

make w/d worse than it is. Reinstatement  is not an option for me as I I can't even consider it and my doctor I am sure

would not prescribe in his own words, he " hates " benzos and opiates.  ......

So there it is......inviting. any comment you want to make...coop....this post is a mess as I am tapping it ou on my phone...

..

 

Coop

 

I may have an ambulatory surgery coming up and I thought about the pre-med benzo they give.  There's no way I'm telling them I don't want it.  Of course I do.  Even Ashton says we can use benzos for single use medical purposes without a problem.

 

I hope you're feeling better.  We jumped at the same time. I'm not taking an antibiotic, but I've been having such horrible slow heart rate and skipped beats I thought I was having a heart attack.  The headaches I realized were hypertension when I took my BP and it was so high especially the lower number.  I have been stoic about not running to doctors all through, but this past week has me rattled.  It feels really bad.  I can feel the skipped beats when I take my pulse.  I feel the throbbing in my head from hypertension.  This is crazy.  It's one thing to say it's just withdrawal, don't worry.  But I'm not a kid, I'm 56 years old.  This seems like a lot of wear and tear on the body.

[[Gr...]]

That k you so much buddies....tremendous compassion ...yesterday I thought I just couldn't go on.I heard my doctor tell me the extreme anxiety and soaring b/p were amoxicillin caused..What I ' was, " this will never end...I can not do this...this is not doable and my b/p is going to kill me '...The prednizone made EVERYTHING worse...I would rather die of a closing throat to ever take that medication again...Today...things are a little better except the prednizone side effects. I don't have to take anymore tomorrow....I resisted any more of the Valium ...but it was only because my daughter spent the day with me...I was in motion ...pacing. hot baths....household tasks.  going outside every 2 seconds. ....

....I am having trouble forgetting how scared I was...how high my b/p was...and so scared it will do it again.  Even though my rational mind tells me it was a medication. reaction. ....my benzo brain wants to replay the entire scary thing over and over. None of my ztstegies are backing it up. If it doesn't let up by Monday I am going to see a therapeutic hypnotherapist.

....Can any of you share with me what your b/p does in a full blown panic ..and that you survived...lol. ...I am back on the atenolol every day again to stabilize but I want to sleep with my b/p monitor and check it everytime I wake up...Girl Interrupted here....seriously I am sleeping with the b/p monitor.  a new low...

........I am beat up and as whackadoodle as a person can be. ..but trying to find my rational mind...until then I am borrowing yours Life...and Nova...and Peace ...and Jenny...and Floc ...and Sky...and everyone...you guys ...please keep leraving bread crumbs on the path...I am following..

...thanks again so much...Life...yes..14 months...we are half way ...some will be 90% by 12 months...yesterday I wasn't sure ...but this thread is so supportive I am back in for the long hau.

l...coop

 

Coop, you made me LMAO.  Yes, I, too, am quite the whackadoodle these days.  Back on the BP monitor.  Sleeping with it, I like that.

 

You blame the antibiotic.  I had the insomnia and sleeplessness on the last wave and blamed my whey protein and discontinued.  Had a little window, nice, and then fell into this black s/x hole.  So what we have is so similar and we're both attributing it to different things.  I have to conclude it's just the &*()g withdrawal.  I agree, though, this has got to be very hard on our not so young bodies.

[[Co...]]

HI Green.IMO ....I agree with following Ashton 's guideline for pre-ops....who can go into surgery without it....Thank you for sharing your b/p and head pulsing s/x with me...it is wild. Does yuour b/p med help....mine is trying to help, but I am so ramped I get cortisol surges and weird mini panics about every other minute ( well more like everyvhour). I. am joining the meditation group...and taking my Calms Forte...and trying not to focus on my b/p ( ha!). My mantra right now is: I am doing everything I am supposed to do to control it....my anxiety amplifies the reality of it...and worrying wont change any of it " ... that is about the best I can manage....and I am having to do that each hour. I also got really pissed and I am going outside and doing everything I want to anyway....what is ...is......I am choosing to believe' this will end either from the prednizone/antibiotic cessation .. or from w/d progress.....and I am putting a big STOP sign. up in front of my thoughts right there. ...It encourages me to hear that another BB is about the same time off as I am and having similar s/x...I think we are both receiving new notifications from the Benzo Beast.....DO NOT OPEN....VIRUS...  so sorry you are having this Green... it stinks....you have already been through too much with this..  keep posting and we can walk this one together....coop

[[Co...]]

Life....Nova....Peace....Sky....Jenny.....and all meditators....

.....Want to come on board.....have to take the dog out though....more later....coop

[[Gr...]]

HI Green.IMO ....I agree with following Ashton 's guideline for pre-ops....who can go into surgery without it....Thank you for sharing your b/p and head pulsing s/x with me...it is wild. Does yuour b/p med help....mine is trying to help, but I am so ramped I get cortisol surges and weird mini panics about every other minute ( well more like everyvhour). I. am joining the meditation group...and taking my Calms Forte...and trying not to focus on my b/p ( ha!). My mantra right now is: I am doing everything I am supposed to do to control it....my anxiety amplifies the reality of it...and worrying wont change any of it " ... that is about the best I can manage....and I am having to do that each hour. I also got really pissed and I am going outside and doing everything I want to anyway....what is ...is......I am choosing to believe' this will end either from the prednizone/antibiotic cessation .. or from w/d progress.....and I am putting a big STOP sign. up in front of my thoughts right there. ...It encourages me to hear that another BB is about the same time off as I am and having similar s/x...I think we are both receiving new notifications from the Benzo Beast.....DO NOT OPEN....VIRUS...  so sorry you are having this Green... it stinks....you have already been through too much with this..  keep posting and we can walk this one together....coop

 

Coop, with my worst symptoms, whenever I got the point of collapse and threw them out on a BB thread, found some feedback from others with the same thing, the s/x usually disappeared.  That's the good thing about this insanity.  S/x flip and cycle, disappear, reappear.  So even though I'm scared to death, there's a little voice in my head that says, whoa, hold on, sis, don't run to the doctor yet.  My inner voice, that I stopped listening to when I was on benzos, is telling me that I can't tolerate any medication right now.  And if this s/x is going to fade with the rest of them, then I'll be left with an unnecessary medication messing up my body's natural balance, when my body is trying to desperately to heal itself.  Just spending a little time on the forum and reading everybody's posts here on 6-12, sending and receiving a few PMs, from you, from my friend Sky, is calming me down like no medication ever could.  Knowing that you're all out there, that I'm not alone, is amazing medicine.

[[Gr...]]

HI Green.IMO ....I agree with following Ashton 's guideline for pre-ops....who can go into surgery without it....Thank you for sharing your b/p and head pulsing s/x with me...it is wild. Does yuour b/p med help....mine is trying to help, but I am so ramped I get cortisol surges and weird mini panics about every other minute ( well more like everyvhour). I. am joining the meditation group...and taking my Calms Forte...and trying not to focus on my b/p ( ha!). My mantra right now is: I am doing everything I am supposed to do to control it....my anxiety amplifies the reality of it...and worrying wont change any of it " ... that is about the best I can manage....and I am having to do that each hour. I also got really pissed and I am going outside and doing everything I want to anyway....what is ...is......I am choosing to believe' this will end either from the prednizone/antibiotic cessation .. or from w/d progress.....and I am putting a big STOP sign. up in front of my thoughts right there. ...It encourages me to hear that another BB is about the same time off as I am and having similar s/x...I think we are both receiving new notifications from the Benzo Beast.....DO NOT OPEN....VIRUS...  so sorry you are having this Green... it stinks....you have already been through too much with this..  keep posting and we can walk this one together....coop

 

Coop, here's an old BP thread.  I'm sure there are others.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=47812.msg1199560#msg1199560

[[Ko...]]

Today I begin my 7th month. I hope it's better than my last.  I've had 3 days of hell.  3 days ago I had few side effects, but was so sleepy all  I could do was sleep most of the day.  I was glad to get the sleep, but it was just weird to be so sleepy. The next day I had extreme burning on legs & arms. Couldn't wear any clothes because it hurt & had a muscle cramp in my shoulder and left foot. Yesterday, I had lead legs, severe Benzo belly, & boaty. Today, I still have Benzo belly with the vise feeling around my diaphragm.  These Sxs usually are at their worst from 10pm tp 6am, of course when one is supposed to sleep.  I hope this revolving torture cycle spins to a window soon.

 

Best to all you buddies,

 

Korbe