6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been thinking all day about how to post my update...it is.not preatty ..at all...but ironically it has renewed my commitment. to this grueling process.It is also a commitment. to honesty with friends...

.....I posted ealier and on the medication board about the problem I was having with amoxicillin......non-stop anxiety and a b/p out of site ( 190/ 85. at two junctures) that was not well responsive to my atenolol. I did not at first connect my intense s/x to the antibiotic. I posted on the ' Other Medications ' board as a " what if " thought but really thinking it was the usual w/d Becksblue responded with a potentially life saving answer. She informed me that smoxicillin çan produce anxiety as a s/x of. adverse reaction ....Today my b/p spiked to 208/ 98...triggering big panic My doc is close by and saw

 

 

 

me immediately....He diagnosed adverse antibiotic reaction wanted me to go to the hospital., but was agreeable to having me go home if my daughter stayed overnight with me. He prescribed a steroid to prevent further reactions..my throat was scratchy Andrews my mouth had a burning sensation. ....Here issu the hard truth part...he wanted to give

me 10 mg Valium b/c my b/p was not responding well to low dose atenolol......b/c he is so

)respectful of my w/d he agreed to start with 2,5. ..My b/p began coming down within half an hour and I went home .......He understands w/d and did not try to send me home with a month 's prescription..he sent me home with 2 5 mg tablets...which I have not needed

....I have mixed feelings about taking the Valium...in terms of being a member on the forum and specifically on this thread. I don't want to start counting all over again, but I also want to. respect the integrity of the forum. I am commiy to continueing my w/d and am hoping 2,5 mg of Valium is not going to.

make w/d worse than it is. Reinstatement  is not an option for me as I I can't even consider it and my doctor I am sure

would not prescribe in his own words, he " hates " benzos and opiates.  ......

So there it is......inviting. any comment you want to make...coop....this post is a mess as I am tapping it ou on my phone...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[[Co...]]

Nova...your bounce is returning....whoopdedo......so glad to see it...wishing you a loooong string of very good days.....coop

 

[[No...]]

Hey Coop - you got things sorted out and did what was necessary in the moment. Good for you.  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

I understand it was probably very scary for you.  This was a true "rescue" dose. And you avoided a hospital stay. Sounds to me like you know what you need to do, did it, and the crisis has passed. So be it.

 

Rest up. Stay within yourself. And Breatheeeeeeeeeeeee.

 

Take Care, Buddy.

 

[[No...]]

Coop - there is nothing inherently "evil" in these drugs ... I am glad that they are available to be used in an appropiate manner. They can alleviate sufferinng and distress when used carefully and knowledgeably. Your experience shows what a good outcome can be like when a knowledgeable, understanding doctor and an informed patient decide on a course of action. You are informed. You know how to use this drug safely and appropiately.

 

You needed medical help and you got it. What else is there to say?

 

Good Healing.

[[pe...]]

Coop- I agree with Nova (as usual ). You were having a medical emergency. You know the cause was the antibiotic. You know you tried other means to lower your bp. You know you're not reinstating. You don't have to start counting over. Forward. You now have another piece of information about your body and this antibiotic. We're all learning along the way. Go easy on yourself. You'd never judge us so harshly if we'd taken the same course. Show yourself some compassion. You've been through a lot and you're doing great. I hope you are feeling much better in every way very soon!

 

Peace

[[Sk...]]

Coop, I'm so sorry you felt so bad. I'm glad you had a good doctor following you.

 

The worse part of wd is being able to know when there is an actual medical emergency.

 

Forgive me , but today I have some whining to do.

 

At night my general symptoms revv up but what is really worse is that my attention span goes out the window and my thoughts go a mile  a minute.

I can do nothing when this happens and watching something on TV or reading are impossible. I jot the thoughts down so that at least I won't panic that I'll forget the but all in all it's an exhausting process.

 

I thought I'd write about it, maybe somebody has some ideas on what triggers them? My attention is shot all day but it really gets out of control at night.

 

If anybody has any ideas on ways to calm it down or anything you think might help I'd really appreciate it.

 

I've survived horrifying and heartbraking intrusive thoughts and so much else but who knows? I get so tired in this whilrwind.

 

My other concern is that my Prince Charming, Mr Sky, is starting to break down.

 

How are your caregivers doing?

 

Mr Sky is so brave but he has nobody he can trust and talk to to get a break.

I was always there in the past I helped in so many ways, now that I can do so little I realise  how much I am needed and how much benzos almost destroyed what we had.

 

I see he is tired. WHen he can he tries to sleep as much as possible. I don't know, maybe it's just me. He's Italian, he found the forum for me but he doesn't consult it as  a caregiver.

 

Hugs to all!

 

 

[[Sk...]]

I'm taking a break from the computer, I can barely see now, how is it possible to go from feelin :tickedoff:g reasonably well  to feeling so bad in the matter of seconds?

[[pe...]]

Oh Sky,

I am so sorry. This is so very hard and unrelenting. But each day is one day closer to healed. My husband and children are weary. It's so very hard to see them go through this. But we are. I try as hard as I can to fake it for all of them. I went to the park with them last night and met up with the neighbors. I chatted, I played catch, I smiled. My husband said, "It seems like you're doing pretty well." And I punched him, playfully, but still. I want to crawl under the covers and come out when it's over. But I know we're all trying to show up right now. My husband started going to therapy a few months ago to help with the stress if being our main caregiver.  It's been good for him. He also makes sure to get regular exercise and see his buddies at least once a week. I hope both you and Mr.Sky find yourselves in a window soon.

 

Hugs and healing. 

Peace

[[li...]]

Coop this journey is not about who get the best and most brownie points by staying off meds -- its about regarding our lives back. There is nothing wrong in taking a rescue dose if absolutely needed and necessary. BE VERY careful however that you stop there. I am sure you know that. We are a family hear and we are healing. Two pills will nothing to that healing.

 

I'm in this unbelievable calm and confident window again. This is really crazy shit guys and gals. My God if I did not have BB I would think that I was some type of manic depressive on steroids. This is truly a brutal journey but I can see that we are all getting windows from time to time and closer on the 6 to 12 moths timeframe.

 

I am convinced that part of the problem is having these ups and downs causes more ups and down due to us hedging and psychoanalyzing our symptoms and how we feel moment to moment  during waves and  windows. when we are feeling good we think that waves are around the corner. That is the mind working against itself. Im convinced for me until the brain sees a month or so of stability I have to be conciseness of the fact that I will be on edge of waves even when in windows and I will do everything not to fear the waves. I think waves can be brought on by ourselves with our analyzing. Doe that make sense?

 

life

[[pe...]]

Hi Friends,

I'm sad. I just want to weep and weep. It's different from the dark benzo depression I'm used to. I feel like an overtired toddler who needs a nap. I just feel so sad and weepy. I want there to be a magic pill for this and experience tells me there is no such thing for me! My sister, on the other hand, takes her little dose of Lexapro and feels like sunshine and rainbows. Ugh. Aside from the sadness, I feel kind of fine... Help?

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

peace2 - this is the utter exhaustion we all feel so very often ... I often feel I just want to curl up in ball somewhere and just cry ... and I do, I curl up in my chair and just hold myself ... in that moment there is nothing else to do ... this isn't depression ... this is acknowledgement of the tremendous stress our bodies and minds endure during this healing ... this is ourselves asking us to hold ourselves, to love ourselves, for a little while ... this is the child being held and loved and reassured ... this is a gift we can give ourselves ... this too is a piece of our healing ... this is an expression of our abundance ... this is life ... being utterly and totally alive in the moment ...

 

[[No...]]

SkyHD - the speed of things sometimes is so very disconcerting ... I woke this morning feeling very chipper ... did my morning stuff, did a little grocery shopping ... worked a bit of jigsaw puzzle ... and then my body lit off again, instantly, moving from calm to vibrating in literally the blink of an eye ... it happens often ... and even sometimes in reverse. I cannot explain it other than with my mantra "this is healing". The only analogy I have is a light switch. Instant on or instant off. Many others have spoken of the same phenomenon.

 

Stay the course. You have come so far ... you can see this thru.

 

Good Healing.

[[No...]]

life4me - makes lots of sense ... and the less self-stress we can add to this process whether window or wave, the better we take care of ourselves. There is enough to do during this process, I do not need to find an unnessary something else to do as well. More self-caring acceptance and as little extra anxiety as possible. You put it very well ... the niggling expectations, the anxiety laden future telling, only add to our burden in the moment. The only future telling I allow myself is "I will heal". I do not know anything else. Oops, I do know something else, "we will all heal".

 

Good Healing.

[[fl...]]

Coop, thank you for your compassionate comments to me.  Bless you.  I also agree with the others who said not to start over with counting.  You had a reaction to the abx, and got medical treatment for the acute situation.  Case closed. 

[[Sk...]]

NovaScotia, thanks for your kind words. You are so right.

 

I'm getting ready for the night,  will it be a long one? I hope not.

 

My body is vibrating like crazy. Am I paying with interest for two seconds of clarity of mind? Was it the quiet before the storm?

 

Take care, all of you. 

 

Have a better weekend than the last one!

[[li...]]

Hey peace do not get too down on your self ( look at me -- yesterday I was so depressed and today the benzo buggy man left) Go figger!

 

Galls and Boys, I am convinced that our minds have such a reaction to the ups and down that we simply get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I am encouraged by the fact that the average healing time is 14 months. From hear on we are all in a group of healers that are so close to to goal post -- we are past the 50 yard line! It gets easier to see the goal but it does not mean you will not be tired. I only know. This time yesterday I was really feeling -- like shit! There you go I said a bad word!  We are a good group of people here and I am glad that we are going through this together and not alone. I can tell that I am healing as my windows are feeling pretty good and last more than a few hours or a few days. We'll see if what I am experiencing now turns into a full blown window.

 

Think about this, our poor minds have so much shock to them that when we feel good there is bound to be that little tickle that says "hey you know you cant feel that good.'" I think ultimate healing is when we can say that we have had several longer windows that gives our minds rest and the peace that we are not on the roller coaster on steroids anymore -- only then will the mind quite down.

 

My biggest issue right now is that I can not literally sit down for long as I am constantly doing something in order for me not to think of the symptoms. Its like I am running away from the Indiana Jone's ball that is bearing down on me -- that ball is the symptoms of waves. I just want to step aside and watch it pass by!

 

life

[[Fr...]]

Did any of you ever have that chemical anxiety feeling where you could feel it under your skin?  It's like nerve anxiety, not mental anxiety.

 

When was the timetable for it decreasing?  Mine isn't as bad as it was in acute but it's still quite bothersome.

 

I'm in the middle of my fourth month.

 

Thanks,

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Life and Nova-  You are both soothing my heart today with your kind words, insight and compassion. You've helped me more than my therapist did today. 

You are my trusted friends, the only ones who know this thing inside and out. I am so grateful to have you along on my journey. Glad to hear you're feeling better, Life.

 

Hi Coop.  I'm thinking of you today and hope you're getting at least a little relief.

 

Peace

[[je...]]

Coop,

 

I hope you know we are all here to support you, we all care. Don't beat yourself up, you did what you had to do. I hope you are feeling better today Peace, I have been there so many times myself--remember its all the benzos. Your brain is still healing and needs to go through all these changes to get you all nice and healed. Im so glad we all have each other for support- we really are a kind, caring group and Im proud to be a part of it Hope you all have a good night~Jenny

[[pe...]]

Jenny-    I'm so glad I joined up here a little early. I'll be walking into month 6 in two weeks. I'm glad I didn't wait til then to hop on. This thread feels like home to me.

 

Lisa- that's not a symptom I've had much experience with. It sounds awful. Maybe someone else is more familiar. I think there's a lot of good general advice on this thread and much of it is about perspective, self care and the dreaded exercising of extreme patience. Coop often talks about Epsom salt baths and I wonder if that would be helpful in helping your body to relax.

 

After not caring what day of the week it was for a year and a half, I'm actually glad it's Friday. I'm taking that as a good sign.

 

Healing is happening my dears.

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Peace - I do the epsom salt baths and they do help a bit.

 

The creepy under the skin anxiety is not fun.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

That k you so much buddies....tremendous compassion ...yesterday I thought I just couldn't go on.I heard my doctor tell me the extreme anxiety and soaring b/p were amoxicillin caused..What I ' was, " this will never end...I can not do this...this is not doable and my b/p is going to kill me '...The prednizone made EVERYTHING worse...I would rather die of a closing throat to ever take that medication again...Today...things are a little better except the prednizone side effects. I don't have to take anymore tomorrow....I resisted any more of the Valium ...but it was only because my daughter spent the day with me...I was in motion ...pacing. hot baths....household tasks.  going outside every 2 seconds. ....

....I am having trouble forgetting how scared I was...how high my b/p was...and so scared it will do it again.  Even though my rational mind tells me it was a medication. reaction. ....my benzo brain wants to replay the entire scary thing over and over. None of my ztstegies are backing it up. If it doesn't let up by Monday I am going to see a therapeutic hypnotherapist.

....Can any of you share with me what your b/p does in a full blown panic ..and that you survived...lol. ...I am back on the atenolol every day again to stabilize but I want to sleep with my b/p monitor and check it everytime I wake up...Girl Interrupted here....seriously I am sleeping with the b/p monitor.  a new low...

........I am beat up and as whackadoodle as a person can be. ..but trying to find my rational mind...until then I am borrowing yours Life...and Nova...and Peace ...and Jenny...and Floc ...and Sky...and everyone...you guys ...please keep leraving bread crumbs on the path...I am following..

...thanks again so much...Life...yes..14 months...we are half way ...some will be 90% by 12 months...yesterday I wasn't sure ...but this thread is so supportive I am back in for the long hau.

l...coop

[[Co...]]

Nova....your bounce and twinkle are back...even benzos can't keep a good guy down...That on and off thing is so true...exactly like a light switch...I can actually feel the shift as it happens. I can be in the middle of a totally connected coherent. conversation with someone and some random word spoken by me or the other speaker will...for no reason what so ever trigger anxiety and d/r.... bizzaro....all in a heart beat....Nova I am so glad that you were humming along for the most part of your day. It seems like you and Life are coming back from your waves sooner and better....healing for sure.....coop...

[[li...]]

Coop we are all on the razor blade of spiraling from time to time...Its ok. I remember when I was in acute I was put on serequel and then I started to taper quickly from that and I went into some very high anxiety with a massive d/r and anxiety attacks for two days. Our minds are tired fighting this all the time. We are very sensitive to any medication if for no other reason that we analyses every emotion we are having. That is our worst enemy -- the analyzing of our symptoms. When a person gets hit in the face as a child the mere lifting of a persons hand might bring fear into that persons life. I feel this is the same we are going through. We are hypersensitive toward any discomfort and then our anxiety becomes anxiety about the anxiety. How do we stop it? Some CBT says that by staying outside of yourself and looking at the thoughts without judgement is the was. The way I am trying to change it? -- well by staying distracted and by trying not to judge every emotion and feeling. Its like a endless loop. I think that is what healing is -- gaining the confidence that we will be stable and not go into another wave. We are healing but the scary symptom g=for me is depression. It started getting longer lately. We'll see what happened.

 

life

[[Co...]]

Life....I think you are absolutely right.....I am now afraid to take my b/p on my home monitor....how nuts is that...I am trying to work on breathing and distraction....seems to be the most effective. And as you say every body sensation sends me into anxiety that spirals to panic. which creates more anxiety.....the panic drives up my b/p and I can feel it in my head( pulsing) which makes me more scared....My doctor let me quit the prednizone, but it is still in my system. ...I can be fine for 5 minutes and then in a total body panic....

.....I keep thinking of you being almost 8 months off and getting better....thank you so much for the support......hope you are having a very good weekend.....coop