6-12 month thread....

[[am...]]

Great post NS! I am the same way. I want to fix everything too. It is hard to watch from the sidelines, but we must accept the timeline for healing and find other things to occupy our busy brains with during this process. Good healing.

[[Ga...]]

NovaScotia

You have a great attitude and the right one.  This is just what we need to do, get out of the way of our healing. Accept we have no control.  I am the same personality as you but unlike you now, I cannot let go.  The minute I feel anxiety start I go down, I stop doing, I cry.  Acceptance of this is so had, I do not ride the waves well.  I know this is hindering my healing.  But I don't seem to be able to take control of my feelings than I do of my healing.  Maybe it's my age, thinking of how little time I have left to do all the things I had planned.  I never felt old until last June.  Now, I feel and look all my years.

 

Keep going, keep this great attitude and you will win this battle, sooner than later..  Best of luck.

Galea

[[pe...]]

Nova,

Brilliant post. Thanks for putting your process into words. I want to accelerate this healing time and try to push and rush and run blindly, frantically forward. I know it's the right direction but the wrong speed. That bullheadedness is partly what got me into this mess. Slowing down is a lesson for now and a lesson for later. Things take their own time. You are not in control. What a relief. I need to remember these things. Go slowly. Thanks, Nova. Yours is the first post I will print and carry with me. I feel calmer already.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Galea - "But I don't seem to be able to take control of my feelings" - I don't think we can control are feelings. They just are. They are feelings ... angry, sad, frustrated, and so on, and so on. This may sound a bit weird, but, for me, feelings are like side effects. They are a barometer, a bell-weather of where I am in the moment. I need to acknowledge them, accept them as an expression of where my whole person is in this moment, they are "information".

 

What I try, often unsuccessfully, to do, it to not act them out. And that is, can, be damn tough in the moment. We are in a place right now where we are flooded with feelings and side effects. And oftentimes it is crazy-making. This is where "go slow" has been so helpful for me. Accepting is a teir-2 accomplishment. I started with just being aware, acknowleging them. Noticing them as "neutrally" as I could in the moment. And with much, much, much practice I gradually started getting the hang of it.

 

We ain't old, we are well seasoned and as another Buddy said, we are "weathering" this stuff, we aren't doing nothing, we are weathering.

 

Take care, my friend.

[[No...]]

ama732mx1 - peace2 - Galea ..... 

 

Off to work on today's list.

[[sa...]]

Life,

 

Thanks for the pep talk. I'm having a much better day today. The depression and brain fog has lifted. I'm going out for a walk in the woods near my house for a couple of hours. I love to get the fresh air and listen to all of the critters singing. So much life this time of year. I think I have to do a better job with self-talk when these bad days hit so my mind doesn't swirl  out of control. Crazy how much more positive you can be the day after a horrible wave day. This is one strange trip.

[[Co...]]

Novà....I am so glad you are on this thread....Such a Zen master you are. You are so right...the only thing that gets me through is,  like you say, is to just go with it.. let it be and try not to engage. Floating on it. ...So hard to do...so hard to accept the wavy days, especially after a window...I sometimes try to envision my s/x as a little child who needs my guidance. I take my anxiety and fear ' by the hand ' and take it with me with patience and geantleness through the day ....a little woo woo, I know, but I am willing to do whatever helps even a little. ....I too have dread, palps and moderate intrusive thoughts this morning and have been awake since 430. I am just going to do the best I can with the day...let it wash over me....as you say...they are o ly feelings...I love your strategy of making lists of all the happy things we are going to do with our lives ....and ARE doing on our better days.

.......That k you Nova for posting such good support when you yourself are not feeling great. ....thinking of you todtay and hoping you get some sun breaks today.....coop

[[Co...]]

Life, ... yay!....so glad to know your wave is rolling back outo sea....very encouraging for those of us who are wavy today. ...enjoy your walk in the woods.....at least we are not in acute in the spring and summer. ....sending you happy thoughts for the day....coop

[[Co...]]

Galea, I didn't feel old either ( I am 64) until last summer when I entered taper acute. Now I have days in which I feel...and live like I am 90. I cry to b/c on those wavy days I just feel like my life is just trickling away while I slog through debilitating s/x . I am tortured by intrusive thoughts about death and dying.. thoughts that never entered my head ( am I cheering you up yet?)...

....BUT ... during a window I don't feel any of that...I feel like a healthy energetic engaged 64 year old lady with LOTS of living left to do. During a window I can view my age with reasonable and optimistic optimism . Galea , our real selves are found in our windows....You are going to heal too...and have many years of living and bring who you are.. I am thinking of you and everyone who is wavy today.....coop

[[No...]]

Coop - just a bumbly, seasoned novice. Don't sweat the "woo, woo" ... the more imagination and "spirit" we can bring to this journey the more we expand our experience of lightness and joy.

 

I give a little, and get back 100-fold ... a wonderful place to "work".

 

BTW ... trains go "woo, woo" ... we just hum along.

 

Cheers.

[[...]]

Hi all,

It was truly a  miracle from God that I was able to sleep last night. The body jerks kept jolting me up again and again every time I fell asleep. But I did sleep after all. What a difference ! A bright and sunny window today. The negative, anxious, dark and looping thoughts are gone. The future is bright once again. I agree coop, that's the real us in the windows.  Somehow, the wd sx in our head are so powerful to deceive us successfully over and over again. That's crazy, how many of us, no matter how naive we are, will fall for the same lie by the same person again and again. I really need to remind myself that in my next wave.

 

Coop, your wave today will pass again, just like all the other times, and the baseline will be higher too. I've noticed my DR is slowly getting better after each wave. I feel more connected to the world now today than my last window.

 

Getting ready to go to work and I am looking forward to a productive day.

 

Good continuous healing to everyone.

 

Ed C

[[Fr...]]

Good going ED!  So happy for you.  May the window stay open forever!

 

Lisa

[[je...]]

Ed, iam so happy for you! Great news!

[[...]]

Hello all,

 

So its not just me feeling extremely disconnected from reality? This fog is turned me crippled in many ways.  I keep reading that it goes away,  it's hard to believe    Anyone have heavy fog or dp/dr etc?

 

 

Fonz

[[be...]]

Hi all, just wanted to let you all know that yesterday was the best I have had in 10 months.

I had a wide open window that lasted for about 8 hrs.

Our daughter intvited us to a cookout at her house earlier in the week, my response was my usual"sorry I have to pass", WELL I woke up yesterday feeling good and went to her house.

I had a nice long visit with my princess(granddaughter) and I could feel love..my feelings of love are coming back...makes me so happy.

Last night before bed I felt like I had to much stimuli, I did.

This morning I woke up in a wave from all of yesterdays stimulation, but I don't care, I had fun and loved. I will take today's wave and slap it around a little, all the while realizing I am healing and Many more love filled days are right ahead of me.

Many love feeling days to all of you.

[[Fr...]]

Congrats Beulah!  I'm so happy for you.  What a wonderful day.  Sounds like you are recovering nicely.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Sasquatch, EdC, Beulah - it sounds like you're all seeing good improvements. Hurray!

 

I think that's what is different and inspiring about this thread. There are a fair bit of ups mixed with the downs which makes me think lots of healing does happen between 6-12 months. It's such a nice balance of the hard things and the great hopes in withdrawal. I feel like I can get and give support here on bad days and celebrate on the good ones.

 

I'm hoping more good days are right around the corner for all of us. Coop I'm hoping you roll out of your wave. Fonz, I hope those crappy dr/dp and fog symptoms lift. I know how awful all that can be. I rarely get the dp/dr but it's very uncomfortable. The fog is with me almost constantly.

 

I am experiencing this weird thing where things aren't really good or bad, so I guess that's good? I certainly know it could be worse! It's my birthday today. Woohoo! And faking happiness all day has been exhausting! I've got a few more hours of 'happy' to fake for my sons and then I can relax into the little sadness I feel. It's not major sadness, but I'd kind of like to be how I feel instead of trying to be something else.

 

Healing is happening. The real happy is on it's way for you and me!

Peace2

[[pa...]]

Peace-

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

I'm still enjoying a pretty good window.  There's one around the corner for you too.

[[je...]]

Happy Birthday Peace! I agree this thread is a great source of help and encouragement in good times or bad. We are all getting there... Glad to hear from the others on here that are doing better-great news! Coop I sure hope this wave lifts for you and you start feeling better. Have a great day everyone!~ jenny

[[li...]]

well I am officially calling what I have had since last wednesday a wave. Today made it so. I was wondering am I the only one that gets anxious a bunch and then depressed? The depression is what I am talking about? I now have in my thoughts -- "oh you will never change' you must be in "some long term nervous breakdown" yet last week I had the best window I have had in 20 years! I am not sure what is going on but I feel that this depression is plane scary. I do not like it. I am going to a meditation class at 6:00PM EST and hopefully that will help. Do some of you deal with a heavy depression followed by anxiety. It is so torturous to deal with this after such a great window. i am so happy for those that are going through windows. I know mine is just around the corner. i guess I might also be depressed because my soulmate and wife just left over seas for three weeks. I usually do not cry but I did today as this is the first time she is not by my side during taper and w/d in 1 1/2 years. I also hurt my leg which means I can not exercise which is the one routine I have that helps a bunch. I know that I am healing but I must say that I fear that if this depression is not benzo related that would really scare me.

 

life

[[je...]]

Im positive that your depression is all benzo related as we all seem to have the same issues. When in a wave we all get depressed and start with the negative thinking-Im never gonna heal etc. Then when we are in a window we feel better than before--its all the benzo lies. I have the depression and anxiety too, but it is all wave related. Im sorry you cried today and are missing your wfe--that is very sweet BTW. Try not to get too down on yourself, remember how good you were doing a few weeks ago! Jenny

[[pe...]]

Life- I agree with Jenny. It's the damn benzos. Go to yoga. It will help. I wonder if you can swim until your leg heals?

 

Thinking of you.    and if you can get a friend to have dinner with you or something while your love is away that might help keep loneliness at bay. We're going to get through this!

[[...]]

Happy Birthday Peace!

 

 

 

Fonz

[[Iw...]]

Peace2 Happy Birthday! We share a birthday month. I know about the happy face and needing to just be how you really feel. Its exhausting acting.

 

Fonz.  24/7 cog fog here too and d/p. (The amount of time its taking me to write this is insane) but its better than intense Anxiety! 

 

Beulah. Congratulations on your window!! Wishing for you that wide open permanent one soon! 

 

Coop. Sorry about your wave. I do believe much healing takes place during a wave.

 

Sending healing, calm energy to all. 

[[No...]]

peace2 - Happy Birthday.