Knackered Weighs In On DIY with Benzos

   Hey there.  Knackered here.  Some of the information revealed here may be disappointing; perhaps even disturbing to others.  But in the interest of full public disclosure, it needs to be said. 

   I’m referring, of course, to the nonsense portrayed on home improvement shows in regard to DIY projects.  

   As I’m sure you’ll want to know by what authority I speak, I  refer you to the fact we have owned, lived in and constantly been ‘up dating’ two ancient houses for the last fifty years.  And, no, nothing has ever been even close to what you’d call finished.  

   I’ve been both a victim of, and a participant in all of this and I’ve never, ever seen anyone in skin tight  athleisure wear packing a tool belt.  I have, however, had to cut roofing tar out of my hair, have people at work tell me I have paint in my ears, and have had so many bandaids on my fingers that holding a pen was a problem.  

   Our first buy was a quaint little craftsman until child number two was on the way.  That required building another house out back and hooking it up to the existing one.  Yes, we even got to use those sledge hammers like you see on TV.  

    The one and a half year marathon compared to a camping trip in a war zone in the rain. For eighteen months.  During the winter.  

   Of that experience only one event stands out.  The concrete contractor had a huge truck and ten guys in the backyard when they found a pipe in the ground that needed to be removed.  He yelled to me to call the gas company and have them disable the line.  The receptionist said they’d ’get back to me.’  That did not sit well.  He grabbed the phone from my hand and told her that he had a blow torch and was fixing to cut off the pipe.  They were there in five minutes. The project required sweat and tears, but we stayed on for ten more years.

   Alien neighbors from hell prompted our next decision to invest in a ‘steal of a fixer upper.’  They did steal our money and we got the fixer upper.  The house had been vacant for some time and we secretly wondered what was still holding it up.  We found out soon enough.  It was the wall paper.  All five layers of it. The last of which was painted over with some kind of paint and sand mixture.  Of course it was.  Ever paint around thousands of quaint little window panes?   That’s real DIY.  

   Fixers have primitive plumbing and heating systems that cost yearly salaries to replace.  Then, there’s the exterior paint that peels eternally.  Thinking about going open concept? Before you you swing that sledge, make sure that wall isn’t holding up the house.  

   When it’s all said and done DIY includes, but is not limited to broken sewer lines at Thanksgiving, plywood on the walls at Christmas, contractors who can’t tell time, relatives who know a guy, and more advice that you ever want to hear.  

   They’ll all want to be your friend until you ask them to help tear the roof off right before a rain storm.  And in the end, may the quote you get be equal to the check you give.  Of course it will.