Knackered Dodges the Bullet with Benzos

   Hey there, Knackered here. Knackered is an active and annoying person during the night time hours.  And he has been told so on numerous occasions.  

   The fact that he snored like a congested rhino was first made known by his fraternity brothers as they cast him into a cold shower a little after two AM during his first week of residency. Despite their remonstrations, he was still there after his pledge year.  

   Knackered’s slumbering presence is often accompanied by activity; the likes of which has grown much worse as he’s aged and been informed that Benzos are not good for him. Apparently they are no longer his friends. 

   The witching hours have seen him engage in combat, successfully fighting off the would be adversaries of his dreams.  He’s run exhausting marathons that left the bedding in disarray.  The last cycling event resulted in tangled sheets and an exhausted bed fellow.  

   Knackered’s rise to stardom in these contests has been marred by nighttime events that have forced him to fight for his life.  A recent bout with a nearby waste basket left a nasty cut on his knuckle.  

   None of these however can compare with a recent attempt on his life by an unknown gunman.  Caught in the open with no cover in sight, he smartly rolled to the side to escape fire.  In the process, he was so successful that he succeeded in wrapping the bedding around himself like a sleeping tortilla and rolling sideways, only to wind up on the floor, pinned between the bed and wall.  He stayed there in situ, overcome by somnolence for an unknown period before crawling up to the bed, still rolled cigar style.  What a night.  

   Of course, none of this endears him to anyone trying to rest in the same room, tent, RV or household.  For this reason, he has undergone not one, but two sleep studies in the gloomy, hospital basement.  

   In retrospect, he should have trained for these events by wrapping himself in duct tape and sleeping under a thin blanket in his unheated garage.  The events themselves required extensive wirings attached to his head, a blood pressure cuff and a plastic suction thing that blew cold air into his nose and mouth.  He was then ordered to ‘sleep’ while an attendant talked to him through a window in the ‘sleep lab’.  

   The results of both ‘experiments’ were inconclusive, of course they were.  Nevertheless, he was instructed to purchase a CRAP machine.  He was later informed that it was a CPAP machine, but the results turned out much the same.  He engaged in even more nighttime wrestling with the thing, frequently waking with the sensation that a demonic sucking snake was bent on having him for a midnight snack.  After subjugating himself to the evil thing for over a year, it became a closet resident on a shelf next to his SAD lamp.  

   Intent on finding a workable solution, his next stop was at the neurologist’s office.  Written, oral, electrified, and imaging tests failed to find the culprit. Knackered had previously heard of someone on the news who had a worm in his brain.  He was enlightened to find that this was not going to be a problem for him.  

   Sighing, the doctor gave his final summation and stopped briefly to mention that he suspected that something might be awry with his central nervous system.  Knackered smiled as he walked out the door.  Hmmm..he thought, I wonder what that could possibly be?