An experience like no other

[[...]]

pj,

 

Your words sparkle like the sun shining on that Waterford crystal.....thanks for being here for everyone!!!!

 

PG 

 

You are too kind, pianogirl.  All I can say is, thank you.

[[...]]

Tx you so much for your post. Hope is what we all want. I love your analogy to Waterford Crystal. I can't wait to be free.

 

Jazzy, You also are much to kind.  Thank you.  I wish you the best of everything.    

[[mi...]]

Thanks PJ.  Great post and lifted my spirits when needed.

 

Thanks,

M

[[...]]

Thanks, M.  I hope all is well with you.

 

pj

[[mi...]]

Thanks.  Coming along.  Just painfully slow.  Though progress is being made. 

[[...]]

Love the stories!  I check back on here from time to time and your posts are ones that I like to read.  They make me smile when I have a bad day.  Granted I do not have withdrawals any longer and have my life back, but everyone has a bad day right?

 

One of my favorite quotes (I like you put them every where to remind myself to just hold on)

 

Life is no straight and easy corridor along

which we travel free and unhampered,

but a maze of passages,

through which we must seek our way,

lost and confused, now and again

checked in a blind alley

 

But always, if we have faith,

A door will open for us,

not perhaps one that we ourselves

would have ever thought of,

but one that will ultimately

prove good for us.

--A.J. Cronin

 

Thank you for all of the heart warming stories.

DG

[[de...]]

I am so happy for you and your recovery. I have failed at 2 tapers because I could not deal with the insomnia......when did sleep come for you? Thank you!

[[...]]

Thank you DG,

 

I like your quote by A. J. Cronin.  He must have lead an interesting life, being both a doctor and a writer.

 

I'm glad that you you have your life back without anymore withdrawals.  Great, isn't it?  But, yes, you are absolutely right, we can still have a bad day once in awhile, and a smile does indeed help.

 

I'm glad that my stories make you smile.  I wish you could have seen those little Amish children of which I spoke about in a previous post.  I was not allowed to photgraph them, but I will always picture them in my mind, being so fascinated by those Tootsie Pops.  Like all little kids, they had such a sweet, unvarnished  innocence about them.

 

Thank you for stopping by.  I hope you have a real nice summer.  Here is another story from my adventurous youth: 

 

I was ten years old when I delivered the morning paper to an elderly couple on my route, the Hemstreets.  One day, Mr. Hemstreet, not being so spry anymore, hired me to water the many tomato plants in his colorful garden - three times a week. 

 

He was very pleased with my tomato plant watering, but was not so pleased when I invited some of my friends to help themselves to some of those, not yet all the way to being red apples, that were hanging there on that old apple tree by his back porch, just begging to be picked.

 

We pretty much picked the best looking apples from that tree, having no idea that those were the apples that Mr. Hemstreet planned to win a blue ribbon with, again that year, at the County Fair.

 

He was so mad that he could have spit apple seeds. 

 

His dear wife, upon hearing all the commotion, came outside and calmed him down, telling him that we were just kids enjoying our summer vacation.  We innocently picked those apples, she told him, "the same as Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn would have done." 

 

Mrs. Hemstreet, being a very religious woman, then, reminded Mr. Hemstreet that God made apples to be eaten, not to win ribbons at the county fair.   

 

We all learned something of value on that beautiful summer day in June.     

 

pj 

 

 

[[...]]

I am so happy for you and your recovery. I have failed at 2 tapers because I could not deal with the insomnia......when did sleep come for you? Thank you!

 

Hi debbers,

 

I am so sorry to hear about your insomnia. Insomnia can turn our world completely up-side down, and turn us into a slow- walking, slow-talking, slow thinking Zombie.  That's the way it was for me.

 

For the first 30 days after going cold turkey off of Ativan and ambien, I did not sleep at all. I would spend my nights in the recliner, my mind racing non-stop.

 

Eventually I would sleep for maybe an hour or two a night for the next month or so, and my sleep progressively got better each month, until, I believe it was around the sixth or seventh month when I began to get 7 hours of restful, restorative sleep a night.

 

I tried Benadryl a couple of times, but it just gave me a hung-over feeling the next morning.  After that I didn't take anything, because the Ativan and the Ambien totally messed with my ability to sleep, and I did not want to mess it up further, by putting more chemicals in my body.

 

I couldn't work for the first three months after the cold turkey, but after that, going to work actually was very beneficial, because it took my mind off of the withdrawals.

 

I think my insomnia was an extreme case because I quit the Ativan and the Ambien at the same time, giving my brain a double whammy.

 

How much sleep are you getting now?  Unless you have some unknown neurological reason why you cannot sleep, sleep will return to you, because our bodies are programmed to sleep.  Benzos, are notorious for causing disruptions to whatever it is in our brain that allows us to sleep.

 

The worse thing you can do is lie in bed, obsessing about not sleeping.  It's better to get up and perhaps watch an old, boring, black and white movie, because color is too stimulating.  I would do that, and although, I don't think I actually 'slept', but , I may have been relaxed enough to doze off a little.

 

I do wish you the very best, and I hope you can begin to sleep.  I know it will happen for you eventually, just like it did for me.

 

You take care now.

 

pj

 

[[...]]

Hi folks, it's just me -- back to bother you all again

 

Received a PM from a new member who was seeking some reassurance that what they were experiencing was indeed caused by benzo withdrawals, and not by some undiagnosed disease.

 

I asked that person if any of the symptoms they were experiencing were present before they ever took any benzodiazepines.  Assuring me that they were not, I said to them they could be almost one-hundred percent certain that they were having withdrawals associated with benzos; with the caveat that if at any time, they get a 'gut feeling' or their inner voice tells them that what they are experiencing may not be related to withdrawals - they should definitely seek medical intervention.

 

Many folks are reluctant to see a doctor after they have had a bad experience with one regarding benzos, because some doctors, who, for whatever reason, tend to have a lack of knowledge or a lack of concern regarding that class of drugs.  Therefore, they are sometimes callus and dismissive of a person who mentions to them that they are having withdrawals.

 

I will never forget that look of disbelief, and the rolling of the eyes my doctor gave to me when I mentioned to her that I thought I was having withdrawals from Ativan.  That look from my doctor, combined with my disgust over what the benzos were doing to me, is what prompted me to go cold turkey that very same day.  Don't try it that way folks. Tapering is the way to go. 

 

Please do not mistrust all doctors because of a bad experience you had with one of them or because of something you may have read on some forum.  Don't discontinue any doctor prescribed medication on the advice or suggestion of someone on a forum who is not qualified to be giving advice of a medical nature.  To do so can have consequences.     

 

Once you realize that you are indeed having withdrawals, and you accept the fact that it takes time to heal - lots of it- you can then begin your -- 'take it one day at a time' journey down that road that will lead you to a complete recovery. 

 

When you have completely healed, your patience and your perseverence will reward you with a life that is awesome, and inspiring.  The gentle, healing winds of time that have pushed you, and prodded you out into the warm sunshine of benzo freedom have done their job.  You are now free to be the person who you reallly are.  You are now free to follow your dreams -- wherever they may lead you.

 

pj

 

 

[[...]]

Things can sometimes get much too serious on forums such as this one, so I came up with a silly story to take your mind off of withdrawals for just a little bit. 

 

I used past, and present member's usernames throughout this - 'totally makes no sense' - nonsense story. 

 

The usernames are in (parantheses).  As you can see, through the years, folks have come up with some pretty unique usernames.

 

This is all in good fun, folks.  It's good to take your mind off of withdrawals for awhile. So I hope no one objects to me using their usernames.  If you do, you can put me in a (straight jacket), and cart me off to the looney bin or to the Fischer Nut Company.

 

 

It was the dead of winter.  The roads were snow-covered, and dangerously  slippery.

 

Dressed, (4everinbluejeans), (Sunny girl) was looking quite (Sassy) driving her (51 chevy) to her large, rustic cabin in the Adirondack Mountains in Upstate New York to celebrate Christmas with friends and relatives.  She brought along a (rubberduck) to give to ( babyrex). 

 

She was (innadaze) from trying to control the constant fishtailing, slipping, and sliding girations that were messing with her (silver) colored, (51chevy).  She had many (sleepless nights) during the restoration of that 'one of a kind' car.  She did not want to damage it. " I should have put the chains on the rear tires," she muttered to herself.  She was (Trying hard) to (staycalm) and not  (Lose control) of her car on that (Snow Flake) covered road.

 

She had a long way to go, but she was  (gettingthereslowly). 

 

She had to be (gettingthere) before Christmas, she just had to. 

 

(Sunny girl) was beginning to get terribly hungry.  "I wish I had some (morechocolate) or a (Snickers) bar, she thought to herself. 

 

With her (Eaglevision) she spotted a large (snoball) the size of a small (cedartree) a mile up ahead. She slowed down, managed to avoid hitting that huge snowdrift, and continued on her (Mary) way, happier than (RingoandJayJay).

 

"(Am I going crazy)" she thought to herself when came upon a very tall, and a very thin (baglady) who was wearing knee high purple boots, and dressed in (pink pajamas).  She wore (Black Mascara) beneath her beautiful blue eyes. 

 

She was pushing a grocery cart, that contained, among other items, a (bigyellowbird) sitting in a (big red chair).

 

"What's your name?", asked Sunny.  "My name is (Flip),"  the tall lady with a models figure answered. " My friends sometimes call me (Bean pole)."  "You look pretty smart, so I imagine you can see why they call me that", she said, with a big smile on her pretty, oval-shaped face.

 

"Do you want a ride, ( Bean pole )?" ( Sunny girl ) asked (Flip).  "It's a dirty (DogGoneShame) for you to be out in this weather" she said, as she proceeded to pull over, and stop the car.  "You need snow tires on that cart", laughed (Sunny girl).

 

Somewhat (miffed), (Flip) greatfully accepted a ride.  She rode shotgun in the front seat.  Her grocery cart with the (bigyellowbird) sitting in the (big red chair) rode in the backseat.  "Nice car, girl."  "Thanks (Sunny girl) replied".  "I named her (Mrsguppy).

 

"Would you like a slice of (Apple pie)? baked by (sarafina), she asked (Sunny girl).  "It's really delicious".  (sarafina bakes the best pies, even better than Mrs. Smith."  (Flip) reached into her cart, and handed Sunny a piece of (apple pie), the size of half a dinner plate.  The pie was( Bitterly Sweet) and so delicious.

 

"Look! ... look! ...  my (best friend)," shouted (Flip) to (Sunny girl)  "Look- up in the sky. 

 

"See the (7starsaroundthemoon)."  "There's a belief among the mountain folks in Appalachia, that portends a person who sees the (7starsaroundthemoon) will discover a ( black swan) under the (augustmoon) before the (Autumn leaves) begin to fall."

 

(Stillbelieving), and happy that she did the right thing in offering (Bean pole) a ride, Sunny smiled, and kept on (JustTryingToMakeItThru) the raging snowstorm.  She was still feeling a little (miserable) because she was an (animal lover) who had recently lost her beloved dog.

 

(Flip) started dancing, and jumping around like a (Wildbug) when she heard  (walzingmatilda) playing on the car's radio.

 

" I'm (worriedgirlfriend), (Sunny girl), remarked to (Flip), a big smile on her face.  "How can a( baglady) who lives out of a grocery cart be so darn happy?"  "I'm (tryingtounderstand) (what happened to me)."  "I have a cabin in the Adirondacks", and you're happier than I am"

 

"Well, my whimsical (Windtalker), you, like a lot of other wonderful folks have got too  (wrapped up) in living your life society's way -- a life that has lost it's true meaning." 

 

"It leaves folks (Spinning around) like a (Sparrow), caught in a downward (spiral) during a rainstorm."

 

"I know who you are!, (Flip)", shouted (Sunny girl).  "You're (Revolutionary Blue)", the famous model, and advocate for the homeless." 

 

"That's right, my (tired girl) -  that's who I am, I'm Veronica Blue, also known as (Revolutionary Blue).  I am (Very anxious), and very dedicated in being a (hopeseeker), who wants to make a difference in the lives of the homeless folks - in this (LostMeFindMe), (upsidedownworld). 

 

When they got to their destination, (Flip) and (Sunny girl) pushed the loaded grocery cart through the open cabin door towards the lyrical sounds coming from a very old, and well-tuned oak piano. 

 

"Hi ya, (pianogirl)", shouted (Sunny girl) --" meet Veronica Blue, the girl who's seen wearing those (pink pajamas) on all those billboards from the (eastcoast) to the West Coast."

 

It was now midnight.  All the guests, having met Veronica Blue, were gathered around the Christmas tree, singing a rousing rendition of "Jingle Bells."

 

There was (Pattylu), (hanna), (turtlegirl), (pan), (jaso) (purple panda), (Hope), (Redeemed), (teacher2), (magrita), (Betsy), (rennysdream), (mplgirl), (redeven), and (vancouvergirl), happily singing their hearts out.

 

Veronica Blue wished them all a very merry Christmas, and gave to each of them, a silver pin in the shape of a grocery cart to take with them -  to wear, wherever they went - so the homeless folks would not be forgotten.

 

That crazy (pj) who was in charge of the guest list, and since he cannot count past fifteen, he was unable to mention many of the guests.  In no way does that lessen their importance.  He admires them, one, and all, for their courage, their strength, and their kindness toward others, who are going through those doggone withdrawals.

 

Forget about all those drugs, folks.  Laughter is still the best medicine, and Mother Nature will always be the best therapist.

 

Happy trails to you, til we meet again. 

 

 

 

 

[[ge...]]

:clap:

 

That was so great!

[[mi...]]

Dude,

That was excellent.  How creative. 

 

Thanks for the smile.

M

[[de...]]

Thank you PJ! I am starting my taper all over again as I re-instated and sadly I admit that I am taking seroquol to help me sleep for the time. Nine months ago I had a medical procedure done and the Dr. used a tool that gave me servere tinnitus so it's all I can do to get through a day of having the noise, sleep is my only break I get from it. I feel like such a mess, I hope that I can pull myself through all this.........9 mos ago I had a good job, I was happy and everything changed. As much as I want my old life back I know that all I can do from here is move forward and strive to be the best "addicted" "tinnitus crazy" woman I can be

[[pr...]]

hi pj,

 

i saw your post on the cold turkey thread so i decided to read your success story. just wonderful and awesome! i must ask though, what are your thoughts about some people like me taking so long? i don't understand this at all. i am 14 months and no where near healed. i suspect i could on for many years and pretty upset about that. i know other's who have healed from c/t within this time frame. and i just don't understand it?

 

i know i am healing from a lifetime of benzo's, opiates, soma and many other drugs. i did have 7 years benzo, opiate free and completely clean and sober. when i think of those 7 years i realize i was in protracted withdrawals for the most part but i did have a life where i was not bed ridden like i am now. actually in the first 4 years after many c/t's back then i managed to get my license as an Esthetician. get a great job as an Esthetician and also start my own skin care business. i released my first record and started a second record as i am a singer/songwriter-- that is a lot for someone who was in protracted w/d.

 

long story short, i started to get worse, was diagnosed with MS and mistakenly went back on klonopin and i thought i was able to control it but couldn't. so now i am 14 months off all benzo's and still vibrating as if i just did the c/t. pretty much still bed ridden.

 

in any case--i do hope i heal from all of this. and thank you again for telling us that it truly is possible, but very interested on other people who are now healed--their views about this.

 

pretty

[[...]]

:clap:

 

That was so great!

 

Not as great as you are

[[...]]

Dude,

That was excellent.  How creative. 

 

Thanks for the smile.

M

 

Thanks.  You know what they say about creativity- it's only a Step away from insanity, so I'd better watch it

 

Take care, Dude. 

[[...]]

Thank you PJ! I am starting my taper all over again as I re-instated and sadly I admit that I am taking seroquol to help me sleep for the time. Nine months ago I had a medical procedure done and the Dr. used a tool that gave me servere tinnitus so it's all I can do to get through a day of having the noise, sleep is my only break I get from it. I feel like such a mess, I hope that I can pull myself through all this.........9 mos ago I had a good job, I was happy and everything changed. As much as I want my old life back I know that all I can do from here is move forward and strive to be the best "addicted" "tinnitus crazy" woman I can be

 

Hi debbers,

 

Gee Whiz, you're sure having a tough time, and for that I am truly sorry.  The tinnitus has to be so very hard on you, but try not to ever lose that wonderful, positive attitude that you have going for you. 

 

Keep smiling, and never give up hoping that things will get better, because when we least expect it, they often do.  Miraculous changes in a person's life can happen.

 

If Seroquol helps you sleep, that's great.  You have enough stress in your life right now, you sure don't need a lot sleepless nights, too. 

 

Sometimes in life, we just gotta' do what we gotta' do, because that's just the way it is.  Folks have to do what works for them in order to make the intolerable things in their life more tolerable.

 

From the bottom of my little ol' pea pickin' heart, I sincerely wish you the very best, and again, I love your positive attitude, and your smile.

 

pj

 

 

There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference.  That little difference is attitude.  The big difference is whether it is positive or negative. -Robert Collier-

 

 

[[...]]

prettydaisys,

 

Top of the mornin' to ya.'

 

You know, I don't think there is anyone, in or out of the medical field, who truly understands all there is to know when it comes to why or how benzos, and other insidious drugs can wreak such havoc on our bodies, and alter our cns, and brain chemistry in the way they do.

 

Why is it that it takes so long for some folks to heal, and that others can go virtually unscathed after using perilous drugs like benzos?   

 

It might be a combination of our genes, our attitude, our sensitivity to drugs, our  environment or our ability to cope with stress that determines whether we heal in two month or in two years - who knows?

 

All I sort of know, is that the body is designed to heal itself, and recover from whatever trauma it was subjected to.  Some folks heal from a broken arm or a broken heart in short order, others take much longer, perhaps because that is the way their brain, from day one, is programmed, and that is what makes us all so unique in our own special way.

 

Don't give up on your talents.  I wish that I could sing. If I was to do karaoke, the machine would probably disintegrate.

 

If you are able to, try to keep on with your song writing - writing does wonders in keeping the brain stimulated and consequently, that stimulation can carry over to all aspects of your life, and renew your fighting spirit with the hope that one day you will walk away from, what has been a terrible nightmare, into a world where all your dreams of healing, and happiness come true.

 

If it takes you three years to heal, and it took someone else six month to heal, that's okay, because in the end, you both will have healed, and that is what  really matters.

 

Take good care of yourself.  Keep a song in your heart and a smile on your face, and you will be okay. 

 

I have many daisies scattered throughout my yard, amongst the dandelions.  Whenever I gaze upon them in awe, and thank Mother Nature for her artistic genious, I will take a moment to wish you well, pretty daisys.  

 

pj

 

 

[[pr...]]

pj,

 

thank you very much for your upbeat and positive note to me. i most definitely will keep a song in my heart and a smile on my face. i am a pretty happy person even through all of this. so imagine how happy i will be once i am totally healed.

 

i think it's probably due to the fact that i am majorly kindling this time around--when i wasn't the first time around so i bounced back pretty good the first time. but obviously didn't come out of it too well if i went back on the benzo's.

 

this time i won't for sure! i think i may even get myself one of those bracelet's that says "prettydaisys can't take another benzo as long as she lives so try to find another drug to help her if she's ever in serious distress"

 

by the way--prettydaisys came from a song from one of my favorite songwriter's.  i was trying to think of a name for being on this forum and i was only 2 months out from the cold turkey and i was a little upset with God. so i thought about the song called "God" by Tori Amos and there is lines that goes ~

 

"you made pretty daisys--pretty daisys love--i got to find find find why you always go when the wind blows--God sometimes you just don't come through"

 

but now i think he's coming through. i am alive and i am healing. albeit slowly but definitely!

 

prettydaisys

[[...]]

You're welcome,

 

When healing happens so slowly, it may not seem like it, prettydaisys, but every day brings you a little bit closer to that long-awaited, magical moment when you are completely healed. 

 

Once again, those creative juices within you, will start to flow like honey, on a hot summer day.

 

pj

 

   

[[...]]

hii pj hi brothers, thx for your support all this time iwanna tell you now iam 100 percent normal ,iwanna tell every body iam here back to me again the other person who ididnt know is gone from me iam gonna wait fore my success story little more to make sure every thing still ok 

[[Ho...]]

hi PJ,

 

I love reading your posts, you are an amazing writer and encouager, thanks for hanging around for us. If it wasn't for people like you who are willing to keep coming back our hopelessness would feel much deeper.

 

I have a question for you. I just posted this on another thread but thought I would ask you too.

 

I struggle immensley with intrusive memories and fearful thoughts. They attack rapidly and relentlessly unless I am vigilently distracting. They are random and furious. Yearnings for when my kids were little, pictures of them coupled with intense feelings and longings. Fears of the future such as "how will I mow my lawn when I'm 75? then a fear my husband will die today and I won't be able to handle it in benzo withdrawal, then back to a kid memory.............

 

It seems like I have BECOME these thoughts, I can't get away from them, total obsessing about riducolous things I have no control over.

Positive thinking doesnt do much as the attack is intense. It's as if I have NO control over my thinking, it is scary.

 

Did you struggle with this? Is our brain THIS damaged in every area?

 

 

[[...]]

Hi there, Hopeful-One

 

Thank you for your very kind words.  There is nothing that I would rather do than try to encourage folks or answer a question for them if I am able to -  because I will never forget what a confusing and hurting time it was for me when I was going through those God-awful withdrawals.

 

Intrusive memories and fearful thoughts are very, very common in withdrawals, and no - those thoughts do not mean that your brain is currently damaged or that it will be damaged in the future. 

 

It is the benzos toying with your mind, that's all it is.  All those random thoughts that are so confusing, and so scary will go away just like your physical symptoms will go away.

 

I had terrible intrusive thoughts about death and dying.  I could be doing just about anything, and those thoughts would just pop into my head and consume me until they went away, and there was nothing I could do about it.  Sometimes, taking long walks would help a little bit.

 

I would have relentless, never ending thoughts of when I was a child, but it was mostly about the negative things that happened to me.

 

I was so fearful of so many things that I had to sleep with a night lite on, something I never even did when I was a small child.  It is absolutely insane what the benzos do to our minds.  Here I was a grown man who rode motorcycles and horses, sleeping with a night lite on.

 

I can laugh about it now, but it wasn't very funny when it was happening to me in real time.

 

Overthinking about the past, and about the future is also very common.  I would do this quite often.  Although your intrusive and fearful thoughts can be quite worrisome, they are nothing to worry yourself about, because, just like they went away for me, they will go away for you, too.

 

You are going to be 'right as rain' when this is all over.  You will completely, and pemanently heal, and when you do, your life, just as mine has, will be richer in so many different ways.

 

Take care, and try not to worry too much about the things that you have no control over.

 

pj 

[[Ho...]]

Thankyou SO SO much! As you know, any validation and reassurance is like gold! I was thinking back to before benzos and it is so hard to remember myself back then but I know I didn't obsess then, I was calm and happy. I just have to believe that will all come back and hopefully more as I will be wiser for all ive been through.

 

I too can't wait to reach out to others. Way too few success stories hang around to help out and that's who we need the most. I plan on being around after my story is written for sure!