An experience like no other

[[...]]

Thank you, hope

 

That was really nice of you to think of me.  I wish you a happy Valentine's Day, too.  Your greeting means a lot to me, cause you and all the folks on benzobuddies are so genuine and so very kind and caring. 

 

Long before next Valentine's Day, you will be completely healed, and as happy as a little girl who is sampling her favorite delights from a big, red, heart-shaped box of chocolates.

 

It will be a happy day, indeed ... when I read your success story.  You take care now.

 

pj

[[Su...]]

Happy Valentines Day.....pj  !! 

 

No candy for me today.....but that's okay,  I'll eat two boxes next year.

I hope that life is treating you kindly.  I appreciate your words of wisdom.

 

Sunny girl

[[...]]

Thanks, sunnygirl

 

And a happy Valentine's day to you!  When I had acid reflux, eating chocolate was definitely on the the list of things to stay away from.  Next year you will be enjoying chocolate as much as it has been alleged that Cleopatra did, which I think is a myth, because chocolate was not available in her part of the world when she was queen.  Nuff, Ancient History.   

 

The world is treating me kindly, I hope it is you, too.  I don't worry too much about things anymore.  I have discovered that living in the moment is the way to go, because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is in the future. 

 

How is your harmonica practice progressing?  Whenever I hear the lilting sounds of a harmonica, I think of Mountain Laurel, meandering streams, and folks sitting on the front porch rocking their baby in the squeeky porch swing.

 

Take care, and have a nice Valentine's Day.

 

pj

 

 

[[...]]

PJ:

 

Your words to Hoda were very helpful to me this morning.  I have been feeling a lot better lately, then last night had to go to a school meeting.  Super bright overhead flourescent lights and lots of people I have never met before in a place I have never been got my symptoms revved up.  I contemplated leaving the meeting at one point, but decided to hang on and eventually it got more manageable.  It got me a little down.  While I still get symptoms, they haven't been that strong in a couple months.  When they do get that strong it triggers my fear/anxiety.  I hate it!  It makes me feel like a basketcase.  So silly that something as mundane as a school meeting can get all that going, but it does.  I hit the one year off Ambien mark on Sunday (2/10).  I took heart in hearing you tell Hoda that you had some flare ups at that point, but not much later it ALL just went away and never returned.  I pray that happens for me one day.  I desperately want to be fully functionable again and be able to take it for granted and just go about my life without the fear that I will "fall apart".

 

Hoda:

 

Congratulations on your new baby!  I wish you and that baby every blessing.  Parenthood is the best, but it does come with a lot of stress.  Particularly in the beginning when sleep is so fractured and hard to come by.  Fatigue alone could be making your symptoms rev up.  Even now, when I get a crappy nights sleep my symptoms are heightened.  I am sure it will settle down.  Try to enjoy it the best you can.  These are some of the sweetest days and it goes by all to fast (my oldest is graduating from high school this year - it seems like last year she was starting kindergarten; seriously!).

 

 

 

Hi turtlegirl,

 

I'm glad that you have been feeling better, and that you stayed at the meeting, even though you wanted to get out of there.  It shows that the withdrawals from the Ambien are getting weaker, and that you are getting stronger.

 

You will not 'fall apart' ... because you are not made of paper, held together by Elmer's glue and paper clips.  You are made of compassion and integrity, held together by the strong love you have for your family, your strong determination to succeed, and the goodness in your heart.  In my book, that's a combination that will 'keep you together' - come hell or highwater.

 

Spring is in the air ... the Crocus have emerged from their long winter nap, the colorful songbirds are singing their happy songs once again, the red squirrels are getting frisky, and so are the school kids, who are already counting the days until Summer vacation.

 

Long before summer arrives, turtlegirl, I hope that you are completely recovered and your fear of falling apart has vanished like the melting snow.     

 

pj

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

you are so kind pj;  thanks for keeping the hope alive on here;  it is like a ministry

 

a butterfly was born in the sanctuary yest and he/she is under an umbrella i set up because it's raining here in so fla and she needs to get her wings dry;  hope there is sun today

 

stay happy

[[...]]

you are so kind pj;  thanks for keeping the hope alive on here;  it is like a ministry

 

a butterfly was born in the sanctuary yest and he/she is under an umbrella i set up because it's raining here in so fla and she needs to get her wings dry;  hope there is sun today

 

stay happy

 

Hi pan,

 

Thank you for your kind words.  I hope there is lots of sun today, for you and your butterfly.  What a gentle soul you are, wanting to protect that little butterfly.  Reading your words tells me that you are a wonderful person with a heart full of love and compassion for the most fragile among us.

 

Beautiful and graceful, varied and enchanting, small but approachable, butterflies lead you to the sunny side of life.  And everyone deserves a little sunshine.  Jeffrey Glassberg ...

 

Have a great day, pan.

 

pj

 

     

[[...]]

Turtle girl, thx my friend  ihear u no sleepat night,it's really hard crying all night but like what I was saying to PJ I did not believe after everything gone all the symptoms it's coming back again even if it's not stronger like before but it's just bothers me  couz its back again after long time yeah I think it's set back but kinda made me worry but I will wait  till its gone

[[tu...]]

Thanks for the kind words PJ.

 

Off to get my hair done in a minute.  Wish me luck as it is a bit of a drive and getting my hair done (normally something I enjoy) is anxiety producing during my recovery.  But, I am determined to be the master of my life and will find my way through it.

 

I pray you are right and that I will be well by the time school is out.  Time will tell.  Until then, I thank you for your on going support.  It means a lot.

 

TG

[[...]]

Hi turtlegirl,

 

Were you able to drive to your appointment yesterday without having a lot of anxiety?

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

Have to admit that the drive there was filled with some anxiety.  I'd planned ahead and downloaded a book on tape to listen to and that helped.  Got a bit antsy/boaty while getting my hair done (will be so glad when all the weird stuff stops popping up - so annoying), but managed through it.  Did great on the drive home though.  I think a lot of it is anticipatory anxiety based on situations over the last year recovering.  I'm glad I pushed through it.  It gave me some confidence.  It wasn't perfect, but it got done.

 

On a positive note, I became and aunt again yesterday.  My brother and sister-in-law brought the sweetest baby girl into the world yesterday.  It was a great day!

 

Thanks for inquiring,

TG

[[...]]

Hi turtlegirl,

 

Good job!  It won't be too much longer, and you will have the confidence of someone like Danica Patrick when you scoot on down the highway.  Just don't drive as fast as she does

 

Congratulations on becoming an Aunt.  The birth of a child is indeed a great day in a person's life.  A little newborn baby ... so helpless ... so sleepy ... so soft, and so precious.  They give us so much joy, and all they ask in return is to be fed, rocked, sung to, and that you have an ample supply of Pampers on hand.

 

pj

[[...]]

Originally posted on February 14, 2011, 12:32:08 am »

 

Four years ago I was prescribed ativan,.05 to 1mg per day as needed for insomnia.I was also given a prescription for ambien,.05-10 mg,again as needed.I made no connection to what was happening to me and the benzos. I would at times experience the following:cold chills,stiff neck,itching,flu-like symptoms,rage,warm spells.needless to say,the list goes on and on.

 

Tolerance withdrawal big time,over two years! On Dec.8th,2010 my life changed. I was in bed and jumped up in a panic,I had this indescribable hot ,burning sensation all over my body. It lasted for what seemed like an hour.

then came the chills.          I went to the doctor the next day,was told that I had too many covers on,given a prescription for zoloft. Had the same hot sensation that night,made a connection to the benzos and threw them away. The first two weeks of c/t were pure HELL!!! I HAD NO SLEEP in that time,hot and cold flashes every night. I am,after8 weeks somewhat improved.This forum has kept me from going crazy. I wish nothing but the best for all you wonderful people. I DID NOT TAKE THE ZOLOFT! Listen to your body,it speaks the truth.

 

 

I got to thinking; "I wonder what my very first post was like," so, I went to the Introduction board, and I found it. The memories of that night when I threw the pills away are slowly fading away. Some folks may be wishing that I would slowly fade away ... someday I will. 

 

The above is a copy of my 'introduction'... my first post upon joining BenzoBuddies. To welcome me was Pamster, a most wonderful lady. Like me, many of you who remember her, will not forget her.

 

If any of you are having thoughts ... that, perhaps your cognitive skills have been lost, you can take heart in comparing that first post of mine to my more recent ones. As you can see, there has been a marked improvement in punctuation and sentence structure.  When I was so messed-up from the benzos, my brain and my keyboard were not very compatible with one another.

 

I remember when folks would respond to my posts; being so confused, I wouldn't answer them back ... After awhile it dawned on me ... that to get more responses to my posts, I had to respond back ... duh!  Talk about being one confused doofus.

 

I just wanted to take a minute to assure you good people that whatever your talents, your abilities or your passions were before the benzos, they will come back to you.  It makes no difference whether you were a musician, a painter, a poet or a circus clown, chances are when benzos are gone from your life, you will become more accomplished than you were in the past.

 

No matter what you did in life, once you recover, you will do it with a new found enthusiasm. Your motivation will return, and there will be no stopping you in your desire to succeed in whatever it is that you set your sights on.

 

Cherish your life. Every day is a gift ... to be slowly unwrapped and savored like a sweet dream.

 

pj

 

 

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

I hadn't known about the Zoloft until now with you.  They prescribed it to me also to help with the extreme anxiety I was feeling.  I took it for 2-3 days and stopped as it made me feel unbearably bad/weird  (which is really saying something given the hell I was in at the time).  I too "listened" to my body and just knew it was wrong for me.  It was about this time that I took some major leaps of faith in my healing.  I found BB on the suggestion of someone on a totally non-benzo site who recognized my symptoms (it was a spirituality website.  I was quite literally flabbergasted when they suggested I go there.  But, low and behold, there was my situation and even though a complete mess physically and emotionally, I knew this was the only thing that made sense.  Deep in my gut I had suspected the Ambien all along.  I just couldn't get any medical confirmation.

 

I guess I write this to anyone stumbling upon this site and your thread and to confirm what you said about the truth of what your body is trying to tell you.

 

You do know your body/mind.  Listen to it!  I wish I had done that sooner.  I could've been off the Ambien in 2 months versus 6.

 

This experience has had so many lessons in it for me.  But, one of the greatest has been to stand up and advocate for myself.  I have had to do this many times over this last year.  It is not a skin that is comfy for me.  Only I could have found and confirmed the truth about what was happening to me and that could only happen if I decided that my "gut" could be more accurate than a doctor.  I had to take some time off to heal from this and help my husband understand that NO I wasn't a slacker that I was truly fighting for my life and HAD to take this time.  I've had to push myself time and time again to push the boundaries of what this kind of traumatic experience does to a person.  No one could do this but ME!

 

Whoops!  I didn't mean to take over your thread PJ.  What you wrote really resonated with me and I just wanted to validate someone else who might be feeling that too.

 

PJ, thanks as always for your kind and wise words.  You keep the "lantern" burning for all of us finding our way.

 

Warmly,

TG

[[...]]

Hi turtlegirl,

 

I really believe that we are born with that 'inner-voice' within us ... call it intuition, call it a gut-feeling or call it our guardian Angel ... we have all, at one time or another, gotten that feeling way down in the pit of our stomach that something is not right or that we are in danger.  Many of us don't act upon those feelings because we are afraid to offend somebody, we don't want to rock the boat or we are just too intimidated or too timid to act ... when that little voice in us says ... " something's not right, listen to me!"   

 

I'm glad that you are beginning to stand up for yourself.  It's your body, and it's your life.  You may have already discovered that the more you stand up and defend yourself from unjustified, and unwarranted criticism, the easier it becomes to stand your ground on matters that directly affect your mental and physical well-being.   

 

Nobody can know you or love you in the way that you know and love yourself.  Your husband cannot, your kids cannot ... nobody can, because you are as different and as unique in as many ways as there are days in a year.

 

You will be a much stronger, and wiser person because of your unwanted experience with Ambien.  If we can gain something from our trials and tribulations in life ... all is not lost.

 

Once again, I wish you a wheelbarrow full of happiness.

 

pj

[[...]]

Earlier tonight, I was doing some rearranging in one of my dresser drawers,  and much to my surprise, what did I find? ... besides socks with no mates ... a bottle with twenty Ativan pills in it.  It has been over two years since I last looked at or touched an Ativan ... I thought that I had tossed them all away when I went c/t, but I obviously over-looked that one bottle.

 

I shook one of those pills from that bottle into my open hand ... and studied it for a moment.  The memory of the lost days, the pain, the misery, and the occasional anger associated with those pills came back to me in an instant.  I quickly put that pill back into the bottle, as if it were a mad Genie that took away  dreams, instead of granting wishes. 

 

I had almost forgotten just how tiny those pills are, but I will never forget the misery they contained.  I should have realized that something that small, packing the punch that it did, was not to be trifled with.  But, just like most everyone else who was prescribed benzos, I naively believed that my doctor knew all there was to know about Benzodiazepines, so I considered them to be safe, and quite harmless ... how wrong I was ... how wrong we all were.   

 

If there is any good to come out of our benzo experience, it is that all of us, before we take any medication ... we now know enough to research that medication, and to not be afraid to question our doctors, and to follow our instincts.   

 

I threw nineteen of those twenty Ativan pills that I recently discovered in my dresser drawer ... into the trash.  I kept one as a souvenir ... to remind myself to always research any drugs before taking them... prescribed or over-the-counter.

 

I hope you all will soon start having more good days than you do bad days.

pj

 

 

[[Fl...]]

PJ! We are celebrating Lauras one year off today.  I found and reposted one of your raps from a year ago.

 

Fun times! Drop by and say congrats to Laura if you have a minute.

Flip

 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=45799.1000

[[...]]

Thanks, Flip

 

I left her a message.

 

pj

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

Thought I would check in with you.

 

Doing better.  The last week or so (while still having some symptomatic moments) has been better.  What's better is so subtle it is hard to define.  I think it is just the fear starting to leave.  I find I can think about being in certain situations (driving a long distance on the freeway for instance) without feeling overwhelmed.  It won't truly be success until I can actually do those things.  But, honestly, for the longest time I couldn't even think about those situations without feeling symptomatic.  I am starting to feel more and more like my old self.  I pray all the weird symptoms will fall away as I am able to put more of the pieces of myself back into place.  I am almost 13 months off now.  I truly thought I would be completely healed by now.  What a long and slow process this recovery business is!

 

Curious if you can remember feeling the same way towards the end?  Was it just a slow and gradual process to your complete recovery?  Or, did you turn a glorious corner and it all just fell away?

 

Hope you are doing well.  This thread of yours has been quiet this week.

 

Warmly,

TG

[[...]]

A good Sunday morning to ya.'   

 

I have not been around for a few days because my good and faithful friend, Charlie ... my much loved Border Collie had to be euthanized because of a spinal cord injury that left him paralyzed. 

 

To look into his questioning eyes as he was about to depart this world to go where all good and faithful dogs go, was indeed a sad moment that tugged at my heart strings and brought tears, even to the Veterinarian, and her assistant.     

 

Some folks may say that ... "He was just a dog" ..." Why are you grieving?"  My response to them would be ... "Would you not be sad and grieve if you lost your best friend?"    Anyone who has ever raised a dog from a little ball of soft, fluffy fur to adulthood, understands the love ... like no other ... that exists between a dog and its caregiver. 

 

I was fortunate, with the help of my vet, to find a beautiful three year old female German Shepherd at an animal shelter.  When she extended her paw to me, it was 'love at first sight'.  I know that me and 'Dixie' will be friends for a very long time.

 

Turtlegirl, when a year had passed, and I still was not fully recovered, I weakened and really began to question if I would indeed, ever recover.  To lift my sagging spirits, I would read positive posts and success stories to shore up my confidence.  I knew that I was going to recover when, at 15 months I had no symptoms since month 13 ... and yes, it was a glorious moment, indeed, when I realized that the long ordeal was all over, and my life was life back, the way it used to be, only better.

 

Turtlegirl, I hope that you, and all the other kind folks who are a part of this caring community, are doing okay, and that you are hanging on to the realization that you will fully recover one day, and your days of hurting and wondering will be over.  Try not to read posts proclaiming  that some folks never heal.  You do not need to hear that when you are not completely recovered yet.

 

The very best to you, my friend.

 

pj

[[tu...]]

PJ:

 

My heart broke when I read about Charlie.  It is the one of the hardest things to put down your dog.  A few years ago our family had to put down our dog Kyle (an airedale) of 14 years.  I still miss him and keep his collar in my sock drawer.  He was the best and most loyal dog.  It is so tough to make that decision.  You always wonder if you are doing the right thing.  If that is what your friend would want.  Even though they are suffering it is so difficult to be the one to "shut off the lights".  It is awful.  I have wondered that many times over the years.  Last week I was organizing a cabinet and came across a picture of Kyle and my oldest daughter taken about 6 months before we put him to sleep.  He looked so sick and old.  It reassured me that we had done our best by him.  Knowing his easy going and generous heart, I know he would forgive me if I hadn't.  I can only imagine the bond between you and Charlie and how deeply you must miss him.  I am so glad another lucky dog will get to know your companionship.  It is such a wonderful bond, that of a human and their dog. 

 

PJ, I pray my 13 month mark will be as successful as yours.  I am certainly not symptom-free yet.  But, something tangible is moving in that direction.  I still get that weird uneasiness in my gut and boaty feeling off and on.  Had it just earlier today for no apparent reason.  It still throws me a bit.  We had Chinese food last night and maybe there was some MSG that revved things up a bit - who knows?  It could just be that I am a bit off today.

 

Did it turn on a dime for you?  Or did it just gradually keep improving until one day it was gone (evaporated)?

 

Take care PJ.  Thanks for taking the time to reply.  Enjoy your new doggie!

 

Warmly,

TG

[[...]]

Thank you, turtlegirl ... you are so very kind.

 

I miss him a lot.  I can imagine how much you missed your dog, Kyle.  We spent many happy hours playing with the frisbee or just sitting on the porch discussing life.  Good ol' Charlie was a good listener.  I find comfort in this saying by Helen Keller:  "What we enjoyed, we can never lose ... all that we love deeply, becomes a part of us."

 

Negative reactions to MSG are well documented.  I would occasionally get migraine headaches until I figured out that MSG was causing them.  Whenever I ate Chinese food, inevitably, the following morning, I woke with a migraine.  Since I eliminated MSG from my diet ... no more headaches.  MSG is 'disguised' in many processed foods by strange sounding words, one of them being autolyzed yeast extract. 

 

Complete healing from benzos did not happen as if a magic wand was waved over me by a beautuful fairy godmother.  It was a long, slow process of feeling good, and not feeling good, until eventually I felt good all the time and ... the nightmare was over ... and I declared myself fully recovered.  That is the way it was for me, and probably the way it was for most folks.

 

I hope this week is the week that brings you closer to the day when you can say to yourself; "It's over ... I am completely healed!"  Thank you for your heartfelt words.

 

pj

[[mi...]]

Hey PJ.  Just checking in to say hello.  Sorry to hear about your dog, your friend. 

 

Take care,

M

 

[[ge...]]

PJ,

I am also so sorry about your dog... That is a big loss, it sounds like charlie had a wonderful life with you.  I remember when my dog passed away, it was very difficult. I keep a picture of her in my room, and she is still with me

 

Hope you are doing well.. You got a new pup, right?

[[...]]

Hey PJ.  Just checking in to say hello.  Sorry to hear about your dog, your friend. 

 

Take care,

M

 

 

Thank you M,

 

I hope you are getting closer to being completely recovered from your benzo experience, and that when you are recovered, you write a success story to encourage others who are struggling and suffering, and in need of encouragement.

 

I often think about the folks that have been dealing with withdrawals for a very long time and who are worried they will never be well enough to write a success story.

 

If you are unable to leave your home because of pain or fear... don't get discouraged, because it is a temporary condition that will one day disappear, and every day that passes, you are getting closer to writing your success story.  If you are a mother or a student going to college or a guy or gal from down the street, who, inspite of your pain and cog fog, you drag yourself to work or to school every day ... whether you realize it or not, you are getting closer to writing your forthcoming success story, because inspite of battling some of the meanest withdrawals there are ... you don't give up. 

 

You do not give up because you want to live your life in a drug free body so you can feel and absorb all that life has to offer you with a mind that is as clear as a moon-lit night. 

 

Gentle people--when that wonderful, long awaited day arrives and you are ready to write your success story ... you can be so proud.  Because of your iron will and your 'never give up' fighting spirit, you made it ... against all those odds, you made it. 

 

The best to you, M.  And thanks again for thinking of me and good ol' Charlie.  I look forward to the day when I will be reading your success story.

 

pj

 

 

[[...]]

PJ,

I am also so sorry about your dog... That is a big loss, it sounds like charlie had a wonderful life with you.  I remember when my dog passed away, it was very difficult. I keep a picture of her in my room, and she is still with me

 

Hope you are doing well.. You got a new pup, right?

 

Thank you ... gettingthere,

 

I think dogs teach us more than we ever teach them, because they are born with the attributes of kindness, tolerance, and faithfullness ... things we humans must be taught.

 

I have a picture of my dog hanging in the kitchen, because that was his favorite room, where he knew that his treats were kept.  Yes, I got another dog, got her from a shelter.  She is not a pup, but a three year old, rather small, German Shepherd, who has already taken over my favorite spot on the couch.

 

"To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace."  Those words, written by Milan Kundera, rekindle the wonderful memories of me and my dog, and how we enjoyed many lazy Sunday -  Summer afternoons.

 

I am doing well, I hope that you are, too.  Be happy, and take good care of yourself.

 

pj