Hello I am new

[[Mi...]]

Star, I am all alone. I know,or at least I really think that I need to have SOMEONE nearby ... a friend, in order for me to get through this. A human being, (a sweet creature needs the loving touch and reassurance  from another being in order to survive), it's a fact. I am scaring myself. I know this. So I have my answer! Just coming here won't be enough. Monkeys in a cage that never get touched are damaged. This is how I feel. And my problems are financial also ... I can't calm down. I don't think I will be able to survive in a manner that I can cope with. So I don't know how to get into and stay in a calm place. Does this sound like withdrawal still?

[[Mi...]]

Thank you so much Nicolette, Struggle and Boxerman for your very encouraging words.

[[St...]]

Yes, 'doom' can be part of withdrawal as well. Intrusive, negative thoughts are common, not being able to see any light is common, everything you're feeling is common. These things lift in time and you'll be stronger walking the coals. Many have made it through this mess alone and intact, you will too.

[[Mi...]]

Thank you Star. I will keep telling myself what you have told me and I hope to eventually believe it. Yesterday you asked me about talking and I thought you meant on the phone, I was hoping so. I read about the problems here, but I hope there might be a way you could call me. Is that possible ... until I can get through what feels like an impasse?

 

Also, I said 'yes' to an out- patient hospital treatment for women's trauma, a 6 week program. (I have been on a waiting list). They called today. I will not allow any meds. I go next wed. for an eval., they may not except  me if I let them see the shape I am in an and tell them "no meds. Also, I am aware that this is a time to be calm and maybe therapy isn't good right now. I hope you will tell me it's ok to try and get some help now. It's just that I know dr.'s don't understand what I'm going through (wd), they think it's over and I'm mentally ill. By the way, today was much better, thank you so much.

 

Please, please, please tell me it will be ok for me to try the therapy.

 

[[St...]]

Thank you Star. I will keep telling myself what you have told me and I hope to eventually believe it. Yesterday you asked me about talking and I thought you meant on the phone, I was hoping so. I read about the problems here, but I hope there might be a way you could call me. Is that possible ... until I can get through what feels like an impasse?

 

Yes, I'm sorry... there is a general policy here to refrain from sharing personal contact. I was talking more in the lines of a "talk line" where professionals talk with you about problem (I'm not a professional). There are some Talk lines here in the USA as well as other counties.

 

Also, I said 'yes' to an out- patient hospital treatment for women's trauma, a 6 week program. (I have been on a waiting list). They called today. I will not allow any meds. I go next wed. for an eval., they may not except  me if I let them see the shape I am in an and tell them "no meds. Also, I am aware that this is a time to be calm and maybe therapy isn't good right now. I hope you will tell me it's ok to try and get some help now. It's just that I know dr.'s don't understand what I'm going through (wd), they think it's over and I'm mentally ill. By the way, today was much better, thank you so much.

 

Please, please, please tell me it will be ok for me to try the therapy.

 

 

Do you think this place will want to prescribe meds? What are your symptoms at this point?

One of the things about benzo withdrawal is sometimes it takes so long and there aren't the proper resources available to us like AA is for alcohol problems, but I think therapy would be a good thing at this point as long as they can understand benzo withdrawal syndrome. It seems like you could use this in order to not close yourself off and keep within the fabric of the world. I do think you need to be with and talk to others whether it's here or an out-patient group. I've heard of others that have benefited with these kinds of groups, it's of course up to you.

 

I'm glad to see you're feeling better today    

[[Mi...]]

Well, I frighten easily. Doom, gloom, depression. Acting insane yesterday ... I wanted to break the house apart and screaming ... I can't do that again ... I can't loose my freedom ....someone could call the police. Suicidal thoughts ... my body isn't right anymore... it's aging and things are wrong I think. I can't tell them these things. Agoraphobia ... this isn't good for me to talk about.

[[St...]]

You'll find you're really not alone here. I'm not trying to minimize what you're going through but to reassure you that this is common. Many people have irrational anger and scary thoughts that scare them. You can do a search for "benzo rage" and find that many have had this too. Was the anti-depressant not working anymore, is that why you quit?

 

Agorophobia is common too. When you get windows of relief you'll find that it lifts. For the reason of agorophobia alone it may be a good idea to go to the therapy group, I think that would help you a lot with that. 

[[Mi...]]

I was on so many ... they never worked.  And I think I have not been the happiest of people anyway ... but the dr. wasn't listening and told me to stop taking 'dexedrine'  because he thought I said 'dexetrim'. I became terribly ill, panic attacks, depression. Thus the rx's began. I was afraid, and I trusted him. It was the mistake of my life! He didn't tell me these pills were addictive either!

[[Mi...]]

So sick .... this is when I see the truth ... please can someone help me? I can not be alone. I can't let this get out of control again. This did start before I stopped k. It's not just wd syndrome. (The knowledge of my impending doom). Which was why I chose to stop ad and k since they never worked. I can't survive. Please help me.

[[Gr...]]

Hello Minujje,

 

Sometimes people just don't see the posts, but it's not because people don't care, or that they don't know what to say. Well, maybe they don't know what to say.  But, you are not alone, and I am sorry that you are feeling so lousy.

 

I didn't read all of your posts on here, but saw your shout out just now.

 

I will send healing thoughts and prayers for you today,

 

Peace and blessings,

 

Grace~

[[Pe...]]

Hey Minujje, what's up buddy?  What's going on with you?  Do you want to talk about it?

[[Je...]]

I wish I could help. I wish there was something to say other than "you are the only one who can make you happy" or something like that. The truth is the members on this site do care more than you may believe, and they have been through similar circumstances. I am on day 43 of a nasty withdrawl from Klonipin. It may be a good idea to go to a hospital, the only thing I would recommend to you is tell them everything. There is a bit of peace that comes from doing what is best for you. It also helps to have someone take care of you, (a Dr., family member, anyone) & you will find support at this site. There are people who care. As hard and painful as it is at times please know you CAN beat it. Time WILL pass. Distractions, hot baths, showers(are better), massage, excercise, anything that can get you through just a little longer until you feel ok most of the time. If you need anyone to talk to send me a message. I am still going through it. I would like to help. God Bless.

[[Mi...]]

hello?

[[Pe...]]

I am here Minujje

[[Mi...]]

nothing else to say

[[Pe...]]

What do you mean?

[[Je...]]

hello. hang in there. My experience although bad doesn't seem to hold a candle to yours. Please know it takes an unbelieveable amount of strength to hold on for 5 months. I dont believe 1 mg of Valium could possibly hurt. What I think doesn't matter though. Try to find comfort in your strength to have held on so long. Dont let anything minimize your experience. Even if you cant imagine being happy, try to smile. It really does help.

[[Gr...]]

Minujje,

 

There are three of us here with you now. I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly.

 

I am in the process of discontinuing taking the benzodiazapenes for insomnia, and I do know what it feels like to be in withdrawal from them from past times when I stopped taking them.

 

I also am of an age where I sometimes feel like I have wasted my entire life, and had gone through the heartbreak of relapse onto marijuana, and I am an addict to that. The withdrawal and detox took a long time and it was horrible. That was over five years ago, and I made it, and life has not been easy, but I have found that there is beauty in the world and in my life, and that I can be a part of it.

 

Five months is a very good amount of time, but like you say, you are still in withdrawal, and it will take more time. One day at a time, you know?

 

Grace~

[[Pe...]]

Well, I frighten easily. Doom, gloom, depression. Acting insane yesterday ... I wanted to break the house apart and screaming ... I can't do that again ... I can't loose my freedom ....someone could call the police. Suicidal thoughts ... my body isn't right anymore... it's aging and things are wrong I think. I can't tell them these things. Agoraphobia ... this isn't good for me to talk about.

 

Minujje, I was looking at what you were describing in your previous post and I will tell you I have experienced all of this.  These are all normal symptoms of benzo withdrawal.  I felt insane, really.  I had rage beyond belief.  I was afraid to leave my house.  I had feelings of impending doom.  The depression was terrible, I cried often for no reason.  Minujje, these things will get better, really they will.  They will pass as time goes on.

 

It is difficult to think clearly while you are in it.  You have to trust the people who are ahead of you that this will get better.  We have been where you are and felt the same things you are feeling.  I know it has been a long time and you get scared that things will never change, that this is how you will always be.  That thinking is part of the w/d.  The w/d messes with your thoughts and lies to you.  It tries to convince you  you will never heal.

 

These are all lies Minujje.  You are healling right now as you read this.  The symptoms you are feeling are from your brain healing itself.  Sometimes there is intense healing work going on in our bodies and this can make the symptoms feel more intense as it happens.  But after a while the symptoms start to gradually get less intense as the body makes progress.

 

 

[[Mi...]]

I need a real person grace. is there some way i can talk to you on the phone. i can't leave my house. i can't be with anyone. how much longer can i go on? i'm losing it.

[[Pe...]]

Minujje, we are not allowed to give out our personal information here in this forum.  I will stay here with you and talk to you.

[[Mi...]]

I just said, I had all of this before I stopped the rx's. (fear of being poor and homeless and hating my life).

 

I knew my life was horrible, that no med. could help me. Attorney's had gotten most all of my money. I have little time left that I can support myself. I have never been able to keep a job. The rx's just keep me unclear and let the years pass.

 

IF I get through this wd I can't make a life for myself. I never could. Someone always had to take care of me. I am not able to.  I am putting myself through this for nothing. i wish I would have remembered how useless I was before. I am only fooling myself to think i will be ok. it's not possible for me. I need to be taken care of.

[[Pe...]]

Minujje, while you are in this your brain will be bombarded with negative thoughts like that.  They are called intrusive thoughts and are very common.  Look how far you have come.  I have so much respect for anyone who has come as far as you.  People who are recovered say that after you make it through benzo w/d life seems pretty easy.  You just have to take first things first and try not to think too far ahead right now because the w/d is skewing your judgement.

[[Mi...]]

This won't work anymore.... the words of wd... I am afraid!!  I fear myself! I know myself! I am left with only ME who is a nothing can do nothing. Is stupid, afraid can't be with men. Who would want me? I'm a failure as a human and now I have lost my youth too. Everything is lost now.

[[Gr...]]

I'm still here, too, Minujje,

 

When I feel anxious and need to get past feelings of worry and the negative thinking, taking deep breaths and inhaling slowly and counting to five, then exhaling even more slowly and counting to six, and doing this up to five or six times, can help my mind to settle and help me become more clear-headed. I hope you will try this.

 

Peace and blessings for your wellness and renewal,

 

Grace~