Finally Benzo free, after a cross over to Diazepam from Clonazepam!

[[Ka...]]

Hi Schatje!

 

Congratulations on your freedom!  It's great to hear you are feeling so wonderful!  I've been free since the 8th of this month, only a couple of days, but so far I'm feeling great, just a few minor symptoms. 

 

It's great to know you also have an optimistic attitude..keep it up! 

 

Kat xo

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

What an inspiration you are to me! I hope I can say that I feel as wonderful as you do very soon.

 

Congratulations on your hard fought battle and your Benzo Freeness :yippee:.

 

I can't wait to "dump" my liquid. I feel like I need a ceremony or something! Keep us posted on your progress. I'll be lurking

[[St...]]

Congrats Schatje!

 

Way to go. 

 

Wishing you all the best, Stevie

[[Sc...]]

Me again w/ another update. 

 

Just over the 1 month mark.  I am very happy to be free and quite liberated to be taking on my life w/out any medication whatsoever. 

 

Symptom wise, things have been very much a roller coaster ride.  I have have a few minor windows where I was 100% symptom free (and even if it lasts only a minute, it feels WONDERFUL, and it shows you just what you are fighting for!), but most days I have anxiety with lots of adrenaline surges, nausea and/or stomach discomfort, tension headaches, tinnitus in my right ear and VERY emotional.  Only the anxiety comes on for most of the day...and it's not "panic attack" anxiety...it's just the feeling of constant adrenaline rushing through my body, and often if I get things done around the house or even leave the house and get out, it gets a bit better...the trick seems to be to keep moving...and I always heard people talk about this when I was tapering and thought "ya, but I can barely move and get off the sofa! how a I suppose to move around so much when I feel so ill???"...but guess what, I NOW know what they mean b/c the s/x are less severe so you ARE able to get up and move.  It feels good to have some energy back.

 

Things that have improved?  Less panic attacks, muscle aches are minimal, hair looks more healthy, bouts of major fatigue (normally for an hour or 2), appetite is coming back, wider range of food (I had a lot of food aversions throughout my taper...it's nice to taste things again and CRAVE things)...and at the end of the day, the s/x I DO still have are less intense than when I tapered.  Yes, I've had some rough days where I felt CLOSE to how I was when I tapered, but it's never been quite as bad.  Things DO get better.

 

I highly recommend keeping a journal post taper.  Especially as a woman, it's great to see the cycle of your s/x during your "cycle". lol  For me, my s/x get worse during this time, and this will be my 2nd period Benzo Free coming up this week, so it's been such a help to read and say to myself "okay, so it seemed as though my stomach felt a burning sensation on days before my last period...so it's normal I'm feeling it now again!"  It's just comforting. 

 

So, to sum it up, I am doing WAY more than I've been able to do for 2 years...am I where I want to be...nope...but I'm slowly getting there and just SO relieved.  You guys are ALL very strong...this is the most difficult thing I've done as I had a full sheet of s/x throughout my taper.  At times I was convinced I way dying...and to now at one month off be feeling this much better is just amazing...so if you're having a horrific taper, just know that I was there and here I am now!  You guys are awesome...keep up the hard but GREAT work.

 

Love and hugs,

Schatje

[[...]]

Congrats on a month of freedom Schatje 

Sounds like you are well on your way to full healing.

Your attitude regarding your remaining symptoms is very positive as well.

 

It is indeed liberating to take on life without the benzos.  I like the way you described that.

Wishing you continued healing!

I'm very happy for you Schatje

-Chris

[[Sc...]]

Hi Guys!

 

Well, I am at the 1 1/2 month mark (in one day)...what a ride.  I will first say that I don't believe I've had it anywhere near as bad as some since jumping.  I have noticed big improvements in my level of anxiety and panic attacks.  The panic attacks are NOTHING compared to what I had while tapering.  Also, the anxiety is there quite a bit, but I just seem to find it more tolerable.  I sleep well....6+ hours per night.  I'm VERY thankful for that.  Also, keep in mind while reading the following that I had MANY s/x while tapering...it was not easy.

 

Things that are still lingering:  GI issues (mainly nausea and discomfort...not every day, or at least all day), headaches (random), Nerve pain or burning sensations (not often), flu-like aches and unwell feeling (maybe a couple of times a week...and not all day), anxiety (milder than when I tapered), emotional (I can CRY...and just when I thought I was done, I cry some more! lol), mild depression (will only last an hour and then it passes). 

 

Things that are new since jumping:  tinnitus in right ear (not as bad as others...annoying but doesn't affect me much), the burning sensations are new...have only had it a few times....

 

So, I AM healing.  This week has been tough b/c of female hormones, so the depression/fatigue...well ALL my existing s/x, have been worse this week.  But I can feel myself healing.  I find I lose my patience a lot more now...just feeling irritable at times and I just "want this over with!".  But who wouldn't feel like that?!  I don't lash out at others around me.  So that's good.  My daughter, who is almost 8, sees a difference - which means A LOT.  And when I was having a particularly bad day yesterday, my husband said "I know you can't see it right now, but you ARE getting better...much better".  So the ones I love around me see it. 

 

I have MUCH more of a social life compared to when I tapered.  I've gone to parties, summer bbq's, friends houses for a swim w/ my daughter, the mall, day trips to BUSY cities...so I think that's a BIG positive.  I was lucky to just go to the store for an hour during my taper. 

 

I am very much aware of my s/x and find I rarely have a break from them, BUT they are less intense and some are slowly leaving.  So at 1 1/2 months off, I think that's pretty good.  Not good enough at times...lol...but then when I feel a bit better, I can see all the positives much more clearly and I think I am one very lucky woman. 

 

Thanks to all for your continued support.  I will be back to give more updates.  Again, this is me writing after a bit of a wave this past week...so maybe the next update will be even more amazing! 

 

Hugs to you all,

Schatje

 

P.S.  I have also had SOME of my appetite coming back..still not great, but even when I'm queasy I find I can stomach food better

[[Po...]]

So happy to know that most things are going well for you.  It most be wonderful to get out of the house and enjoy doing it. 

[[Sc...]]

Hi Popcornlady!  Yes, it has been nice to get out and do more outside of the home.  I feel very lucky. 

 

Here's another update...I am now approaching the 2 month mark of being benzo free! 

 

This period and ovulation was once again tough, but I have to admit it wasn't as bad as last month.  The nausea was pretty intense the first few days, but my sleep was affected much!  Last month I had some problems with insomnia for about 5 days..this month none!  I think I slept a little less solid, but not what I'd call "insomnia".  I am still ovulating, so I'm in pain from some cysts I have, but I can handle that.  Some slight nausea off/on (normally in the late afternoon), but it's not too bad.

 

I think hormonal changes will prove to be tough for a bit, as it seems to be that for a lot of women off of Benzos.  I mean, that time of the month is rarely a "picnic" for ANY woman let alone someone who is off of Benzos.  But I know over time things will improve, as they already have shown signs of that. 

 

I am still able to do a lot.  Very rarely do I have a feeling of just wanting to hide in my home.  I am more of a zest for life.  Some days aren't as "positive" but on the good days I can find myself roaming my home, trying to come up w/ new ideas for decorating or organizing...something I've always had a passion for but completely lost while tapering.  I also laugh more.  Sometimes the laughter can make my s/x rev up, which is annoying, but it's still nice to REALLY laugh.

 

My libido has improved GREATLY!!!  For any who have lost it during their taper and healing process, it DOES come back. 

 

The main issues I have now would be 2:  Adrenaline...most days I have it rushing through me the majority of the day, but I can handle it well.  It's annoying and it reminds me constantly that I'm not healed, BUT I am able to function w/ it.  And my stomach...still issues w/ uncomfortable digestion...lots of pops and gurgles.  But my appetite comes back slowly (then goes away again...but always comes back).  Oh, and I have a lot of joint/muscle pain.  Not horrible, but once in awhile it can get a little intense.  So 3 main issues.  Compared to the 20+ I had when I was tapering. 

 

My panic attacks are ALMOST non-existent.  It does rear its ugly head once in awhile, but the 5-8 hour long attacks I had while tapering, have become no more than 1 hour at the MOST.  And it's very rare...whereas when I tapered I was having them almost daily.  That's a HUGE improvement at less than 2 months off. 

 

Healing is happening BIG time with me, and I feel so fortunate.  For anyone who follows my blog, you'll know I DO still struggle, but I think part of the struggle now is just being tired out from this past year.  I want to feel fully ME again, and I have to be very patient and allow my body to take the time it needs to heal...which can be frustrating on a bad day.  I still have the tears once in awhile, and the fears...but it's all slowly diminishing. 

 

We can do this, guys!!!  I am SO thankful to have found this forum when I did...it helped me then, and it still helps me now. 

 

All the best...HUGS,

Schatje

[[pi...]]

:yippee:

 

You Go Girl

 

pianogirl

[[...]]

schatje,

glad you are doing well, i had a hard tim coming down from 6 but i just survived the 5 days at 5.5 and will cut to 5 tomorrow, i see an end in sight, glad to hear you are getting better, cant wait to be looking back at this nightmare. i have managed to work through this, amazing as i take bits a valium all day long, i am one of those who cant do the entire dose i have to have little bits all day  long. i wish you continued healing,

spk

[[Sc...]]

Just a quick update at 3+ months off...

 

I am not healed by any means, however there have been some great improvements.  Things that have improved:

 

1)  I wake up well...most mornings alert and happy

2)  I don't have panic attacks as often as when I tapered

3)  I can handle stressful situations better than I have in years

4)  I can go out in public with little to no problems

5)  Overall mood is better

6)  Sleep is good most nights...averaging at about 6 solid hours

 

Things that linger:

 

1)  Nausea, cramping, bloating - GI issues

2)  Headaches (not daily)

3)  Adrenaline (although it is lessening)

4)  Emotional (crying, irritable at times...but crying is the biggie)

5)  Panic attacks...not nearly as often but when they hit it's pretty bad

6)  Fears...over silly things...this is lessening as well, but was particularly bad last night

7)  An annoying "lump in my throat" feeling when I swallow and some sinus issues

 

Many things have come back but on a lesser scale than when I tapered.  Like the arm "jerking" movements, muscle aches (esp. legs and lower back), and general anxiety.  I sometimes have nightmares but not often at all. 

 

My stomach is the main issue - lots of discomfort, although I handle it well.  My husband and I went out yesterday for an afternoon date to listen to a band and I was nauseous and having pains and he had NO clue...so I can hide it very well now.  I look forward to it being gone completely, but at least I can function most days quite well with it.

 

Lots of healing happening.  I often see people rate it by percentage and I honestly have NO clue what percentage I'd put here for me, but I know I am getting there. 

 

I'll come back in a month or so to update again.

 

All the best to everyone!

 

Hugs,

Schatje

[[Sc...]]

5 months, 2 weeks and 1 day free.

 

So, how have things been?  I can't say it's been easy.  I think my first month off - even though difficult - was not as bad as I anticipated.  Month 2 became a tad more difficult as the all-day adrenaline came into play and I was restless all day long.  Month 3 the nausea worsened, and then month 4 even more...however, I had a big turnaround with the adrenaline, anxiety and panic attacks during month 4.  So as some things greatly improved, the physical stuff (well, nausea) worsened.

 

Now at 5 1/2 months free...the things that have almost gone (I hesitate as saying 100% gone at this point), are the tinnitus, adrenaline/all day anxiety, and social anxiety (doing REALLY well there). 

 

Things that are lessening greatly are muscle aches, panic attacks, heart burn and crying spells, and IBS flare ups. 

 

Things that linger and bother me the most...nausea (it hits me daily and I have yet to find anything that consistently keeps it at bay), nerve pain (this is new and quite intense...but I'd take it over the nausea at this point), stomach pain/cramping and my internal organs/insides just ache a lot and noise/smell sensitivity. 

 

When i DO get a panic attack, it's brutal.  On average they last 5+ hours and are extremely intense.  They leave me w/ tired/achy muscles and my jaw kills afterwards.  However, I had 2 last week, and before that it had been a month since I'd had one...not bad, compared to having them almost daily at times during taper. 

 

I have A TON more motivation...which is awesome, but frustrating when you are nauseous.  However, I'm thankful to HAVE the motivation.  My house is clean (I've become slightly obsessive over it...but I don't care...I'm just relishing in the new found motivation), I'm on top of meals and our family eats SO healthy now.  Benzos have taught me to appreciate my body more and I really think about what I put in it - as well as my husband's and daughter's. 

 

I can watch movies I couldn't before - however I still have to be careful.  We do watch the occasional horror/suspense, and if it's too much I just say it and my husband turns it off and on goes a happy movie.  No issues there. 

 

When I think about what has helped me, I'd say it's the support I've received from my loved ones.  I am so thankful for them all.  Also, this forum has been great.  To be able to post my fears and then have 5+ people come on and say "I know the feeling...you'll do this!", is so amazing.  I also eat "clean"...although I can still enjoy the occasional chocolate treat w/ little-no issues (something I couldn't do during my taper).  I drink a lot of water and teas (green tea and ginger tea).  Some days drinking is hard w/ the nausea, but I try.  BEING HONEST.  I am honest w/ my friends and family.  They all know what I'm going through b/c of my honestly, and aside from a couple of people who I think feel I'm "full of it", I've had nothing but amazing feedback. 

 

We will all get there.  I'm not always positive...last night I cried myself to sleep and asked my husband over and over, "do you really think I"ll get better???".  But then when I feel more optimistic, I truly know we'll get better.  There's enough proof out there. 

 

All the best to each and every one of you. 

 

Hugs and healing,

Schatje

[[pi...]]

:thumbsup:

 

You've got the right attitude Schatje, and you are doing all the right things.  Your body will thank you for it when you are all healed. Its happening all the time and this will be our year!!

 

Love and Hugs,

 

pianogirl 

[[ak...]]

Schatje

 

I am so happy for you!  I am especially glad to hear the motivation came back...it's feels like it is gone forever.

 

I hope someday I can be right there with you keeping my house clean and preparing great meals.