Those of you that broke up or divorced during w/d

[[Fl...]]

It isn't going to win me any popularity contests for saying this but the truth of the matter is us men have an even more difficult time dealing with relationships when we are hit with adversity since we are expected to remain strong at all times. It's nice to think that there is someone out there who might love you unconditionally, but the truth is that men and women are attracted to each other because the opposite sex brings something to the table. There are ALWAYS conditions. One of the main things that women are attracted to in a man is strength, and when that strength disappears so does the attraction.

 

The positive side of this is that when we make it through this mess we will be stronger than we ever were before and that will allow us to go on to form even better relationships in the future.

 

 

[[ja...]]

FloridaGuy...

 

OK here's just my opinion..I can understand you being a man thinking that's

what is attractive to a woman of opposite sex ...That Strength attracts us and when its gone we aren't attracted any longer!

Couldn't be further from the Truth at least for me...I find a man that is vulnerable and willing to show hes not strong in some experiences in life ..Extremely attractive!!!

When a man can let his Ego or perhaps let Pride go and be Real Is a Gift..Idk.. But a man who thinks they have to be filled with Strength all the time is just not Real to me and isn't all that attractive.. Again I am speaking strictly for myself and maybe some woman do expected a man to always be strong ..That's just unrealistic and brings way to much pressure to a man!

~J

[[dr...]]

Thanks for all of the comments. I think in my case the strength theory may apply. I was completely helpless and clinging to life. She just couldn't handle the stress and saw me fall completely apart in the throes of the w/d. She probably thought I was weak or lost my mind. In reality I was strong just to keep breathing and she will never ever know the suffering I had and still have to endure just to stay alive. I like to think that the right girl with the right qualities would stick with you in a horrible situation like this. I agree that once I come out of this I will be stronger and more confident than ever before. I don't really want to meet someone in a drug counseling session as I don't think either one of us would be in any position to be dating. I just can't really think about it until I heal, which is what makes me angry because she gets to. I hope karma is real because if it is she is screwed.

[[Ni...]]

wow, I just came across this thread and there were a lot of good things that were said here, especially what Pers said. I just want to know if she has a brother or BIL to meet. lol.

 

Seriously, drak, I think you have the right attitude about waiting until you are more fully healed to meet someone, that's how I feel. I was talking to a guy friend about this the other day and I said what am I going to do? Say, hi, it's nice to meet you and oh, BTW I'm addicted to this terrible drug how do you feel about that?...because I'd have to tell someone and not hide it. My friend said, if they were the right person and a stand up guy they'd help you with this. So, there is that.

 

Hope you feel better soon drak...you know time heals all wounds.

[[Fl...]]

When a man can let his Ego or perhaps let Pride go and be Real Is a Gift..Idk.. But a man who thinks they have to be filled with Strength all the time is just not Real to me and isn't all that attractive.. Again I am speaking strictly for myself and maybe some woman do expected a man to always be strong ..That's just unrealistic and brings way to much pressure to a man!

~J

 

It's not about being strong 100% of the time. Everyone has vulnerabilities. It makes us human.

 

Benzo WD can bring you to your knees for months or years on end. That will wear on anyone's partner, male or female. My point is that as a man we have to live up to a higher expectation when it comes to things like this. We are expected to "man up" and deal with it and anyone who has been through this knows that this isn't possible.

 

I am not saying this to complain. It's the way the world works. Men and women were made to compliment each other. It's just a little tougher for us to be able to maintain relationships when we are faced with a situation like this.

[[Be...]]

It's not just the lack of "strength" Floridaguy, but the lack of confidence that comes with being floored by this drug. I suppose confidence could be seen as strength, but I like to think of it as its own attribute. Women love confidence. When we can't sleep, work, be out an about, etc, our believe in ourselves goes down the crapper. Even if we put on our game face, women can still sense something amiss with us.

 

Buuut the right girl would have still weathered this with you drak. You are right about being stronger when you come out the other side. Keep that thought.

[[Fl...]]

It's not just the lack of "strength" Floridaguy, but the lack of confidence that comes with being floored by this drug. I suppose confidence could be seen as strength, but I like to think of it as its own attribute. Women love confidence. When we can't sleep, work, be out an about, etc, our believe in ourselves goes down the crapper. Even if we put on our game face, women can still sense something amiss with us.

 

Oh I totally agree. Everything benzo WD does to us counts against us when it comes to forming and maintaining relationships with the opposite sex. Just like people who have never experienced benzo WD have no way to really know how horrible it is, most women will never be able to understand how "on point" men have to be socially in order to remain attractive to them. Of course women face their own unique challenges in the mating game, but when it comes to confidence and overall social adeptness men have a very good change of being shut out altogether if they aren't able to keep their head in the game.

 

Before all of this I managed to do pretty well with the ladies but this ordeal has dropped my confidence and self esteem to an all time low. This makes it impossible to even meet girls let alone maintain a relationship. Last week I was at a festival and I got approached on the dance floor by an absolutely beautiful young blonde. We danced for one song and talked for a minute before I thought I was about to start sounding like a blubbering idiot so I excused myself and told her I would catch up with her later. Of course, that never happened.

 

I don't dare mention my situation to the women I know. When I get through this I want to have some kind of a fighting chance to get my social life back in order quickly, and that would be a lot more difficult if I drive everyone away by complaining about this condition that no one can possibly even comprehend.

 

Come to think of it, aside from a brief relationship last year and another one I had right as I started taking the benzo, I haven't had a real relationship in over 4 years. Before the benzo days I had a pattern of being in a relationship for a year or two, then single for about the same amount of time. Coincidence? Or did the drug have something to do with this?

 

 

[[tr...]]

I feel for you draklore911 but I believe...that if your girlfriend is not there for you today...she will never be there for you. Five years in this day and age is not a long time. My brother was with his wife 18 years; when he got home from work one day, he found his house being repossessed; while his wife and children waiting for him on the streets. She had spent all their savings...she was unable to keep up with any of the bills. She borrowed money from my parents...we don't know where it has gone and we will never get it back. Since then she has made his life and ours miserable. She is a filthy human being, the things she has put my brother and those children through is unbelievable. He is broke, beside himself because he lost his world, and has to keep low because of credit card companies, which are constantly chasing after him.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for many years now...my question continues to be; should I let her go? Should I break up with her...even though thinking such thoughts drives me to uncontrollable tears. I keep asking myself, why should she suffer because of me. Why wait around for me to heal...when she could find someone better. There are her children out there waiting to be born, and they will be the most fortunate of kids. She is a beautiful woman. She is kind and has a huge heart. She is caring and goes out of her way. Why should she suffer, when she can find herself someone who is better than me. Who is not so damaged by circumstances, fate and life. Why sit around at home bored...when she can be with someone who will bring back excitement into her life. Why wait around for someone who has no future...when she can marry someone who might give her everything she deserves. Why should she suffer for me?

 

I understand your distress. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. I feel like I am losing my girlfriend because I am stuck at home...either depressed, in w/d or full of strange sx. She doesn't know how to cope. I don't want to have all these expectations; that she should always be here for me. I also don't want to be alone...even though I have been very much alone, since this stupidity began. The distance continues to grow. And like so many stated...if she really did care...why hasn't she done some research to understand this whole fiasco a bit better. Knowledge is power...right? That's what I ask myself...has she looked into this because there are hints of anger and sometimes she says things that really hurt. Sometimes I just want for her to keep quiet. Sometimes it's clear...she is simply using her own form of phycology. And that is a dangerous thing to do...especially for those who suffer with ideations. I went out of my way for her...even after I c/t and could hardly think straight. I helped paint her whole house...once she even went out, while I was alone painting and fighting off that evil voice. This was when the ideations first began...when I was defenseless to their power and magnitude. I would stare at a her knife set in the kitchen, and I prayed she would get home because who knew how serious I was about this. Nonetheless, what does it take for her to pop open her laptop and do a bit of reading...figure it out so she can at least help me figure things out. If she really cared...right? If anyone really cared for you or I...is it really that much work?

 

She left you when you were most vulnerable and weak. I don't know that I could forgive anyone who did that to me. You obviously want to fix this...I get this sense that she is does not. I think this is the hardest thing...there really is no good advice. Because anything I say is a moot point...if you don't want to believe. I think you have to find the inner strength to say...this is what she wanted and so I have to respect her wishes. As the old saying goes->

 

"If you love someone, Set her free… If she comes back, she’s yours, If she doesn’t, she never was".

 

In this state we are in...I don't know that I blame them for running out. This can be pretty intense, at all times. But I do respect those who take the brunt of our emotions and can stick it out. I run the gamut of emotions. How many times has my girlfriend hung up on me because I tell her I want to die, or I get angry or I am inconsolable. She knows the power these Benzo's hold over me...but she still hangs up. Again...this is not something anyone does to a person who is suffering through this horror. How many times has she said to me...she can't take it: she is only human. So what am I? How do I just walk away from this...I just can't open a door and run away. Am I not also human? But then when I needed her...she is visiting friends or family...she has yet to spend a whole day with me. Since this started...there have been many excuses. There are always excuses.

 

Sometimes...you just have to let it be. The answers will never really be there...other than this...some of us are fortunate, we have people who stick with us no matter what. Some of us are unfortunate, we have people who leave us behind.  And then there are those...like me and maybe even you, who have to fight this beast on our own and all alone.

[[dr...]]

Yea. I think it is really simple. She should stick by me no matter what happens. We had plans to get married one day and she f'n walks out. She didn't even try to understand the situation and instead just ran away from the whole situation. I think that all of the hell I've been going through had driven us apart over the last almost 6 months now since the reglan reaction and the fact that she can't see through it and know that this is a temporary situation is her loss. I think she thinks I've lost my mind and that is truly sad that she doesn't believe what has happened to me. I think that true love goes beyond those initial attractions of being a seemingly strong (means healthy) man and that the right person would not give up on someone they truly cared about, much less loved. She is young, weak, and all I can say is it's her loss and karma's a b*tch.

[[tr...]]

Yea. I think it is really simple. She should stick by me no matter what happens. We had plans to get married one day and she f'n walks out. She didn't even try to understand the situation and instead just ran away from the whole situation. I think that all of the hell I've been going through had driven us apart over the last almost 6 months now since the reglan reaction and the fact that she can't see through it and know that this is a temporary situation is her loss. I think she thinks I've lost my mind and that is truly sad that she doesn't believe what has happened to me. I think that true love goes beyond those initial attractions of being a seemingly strong (means healthy) man and that the right person would not give up on someone they truly cared about, much less loved. She is young, weak, and all I can say is it's her loss and karma's a b*tch.

 

When life was tough for my parents...they stuck it out together. Either one of them could have walked away from their marriage...when things got turned topsy turvy or it was all to much to handle. My parents have been loyal to one another forever. When my father had a stroke...my mother stood by and took care of all his needs and still does. Years ago, when I was a child...my mother suffered with depression. It was so bad...that she would not leave the house, she barely functioned, and she was constantly crying. My father would come home dead tired, from having to work in construction...took care of 5 kids...took care of the house, all the washing and the cooking, and he took care of mum until she recovered. Grandma only helped out while dad was at work...once he was home...it was HIS responsibility.

 

He never walked away...it was his duty and today, she says the same. In sickeness and in health meant something at one time. In the old days...everyone knew that just because things got tough...that was not a reason to walk away from a marriage. Divorces were rare as were break ups. Today, you stub your toe and that is a reason to jump ship. You get a hang nail, and that is reason to have an affair. You don't listen to your partner because you're tired and actually did work hard today, and that is just cause to ask for a divorce. Something went wrong, somewhere along the line, people forgot what a relationship/marriage entails. I have known a lot of people that should not be in a relationship. I've known people where marriage is all about the show, and nothing to do about love. I know people who married for money and soon divorced to get even more money. I can't even say love exists today...just like Christmas...the big Corps have sullied its meaning. Of course those magazined and romance novels don't help either. There are a lot of mixed up people out there, and they do have this preconceived notion as to how a relationship works. And when there is a marriage...just look towards a wedding and the amount of money spent. Sad that right after the big show...there is usually the even messier spectacle called divorce. Today you have to spend a fortune on Valentines Day. You need to do couple things...go out to the most expensive restaurant to make him/her happy. You need this and that to make a relationship work. It's about his orgasm or hers. Her ring has to be the size of a stadium. His car has to be the fastest. Relationships have become a circus. My parents did none of those things and have been happily married for over 50 years. They sacrificed everything for their children. They scrimped and saved to make a better future for themselves and their children. They compromised and worked together, and when life beat them down...they held on and got up together. What happened to just being in love, striving for a family, living happily ever after and the whole white picket fence scenario.

 

So what happens when all those pretty things, those baubles you spent a fortune on, have lost their meaning and now the struggle has really begun. What happens once two people wake up side by side, after 5,6,7 or 8 years of a union and the illusions have all worn off. What happens when somone realizes there was no love to be found...it was a fantasy all along. My parents got married because they love one another...no illusions kept them together. It was a lot of hard work and many years of compromises. They discussed everything...nothing was hidden or kept secrets. They got angry...they talked about it. Someone got ill...the other stepped in to make sure the machine kept moving smoothly. There was no criticism, and they judged nothing and no one. They are still best friends. They still love one another. They fought tooth and nail to get this far in life. They never walked out because of fear or not understanding a situation...they simply understood that they would have to bide their time, and whatever happens...it happens.

 

Today there are simply to many selfish people, who have expectations, and they bring all those expectations into their relationship and marriage. Once things don't quite live up to those things...everything is thrown out the window...including the kitchen sink. I know someone who left his wife because she gained too much weight, after having his child...really? I don't want to live in a delusional, romance novel or in a fairy tale...I want someone who really loves me. There has to be an understanding, that there are going to be a lot of sacrifices to be made along the way, and it's going to take teamwork. There is a reason for the vows we take...but they are not taken seriously these days..they are a facade...just like everything else that I believed in. There are those who are in it for themselves, and could care less about their partner or mate. Some people deserve to be with someone, as cold hearted as themselves. When life slaps them in the face...when they are ill and frail...how do they feel when that someone they depend on, dumps them. When it does come all back around..how do they like it when they are the victim of betrayal. I bet they won't like it one bit.

[[te...]]

Travuz :'(...now that is TRUE love! Thanks for posting this.

[[tr...]]

Travuz :'(...now that is TRUE love! Thanks for posting this.

 

Thank you teacher2

 

I feel for draklore911, as I do for anyone who is caught up in this fiasco...where tapering, w/d and sx have taken over every facet of our lives. But the saddest thing I find, is when a loved who can see the pain we suffer through, has the audacity to walk out. I don't care for excuses...it is a cowardly thing to do, and to take someone's grief and pain, as a joke that is not to be believed...that is downright cruel. How do you leave someone in trouble? Where are all those good Samaritans, when we need them most? Sad that we all had to come to this virtual space because our loved one's...did not care, are afraid or could not take this pain we are all going through. Why are we all on our own? The lucky few have people who have surmounted their fears...they will hold their hands and climb over whatever bumps they come across. They face this monster head on...they do this together. Then one day when this is all over...they smile at one another; they laugh as they wipe sweat from brow and they have a story to pass on to their children and whatever friends come along. While some of us...are still trying to figure out if there is anything good, waiting on the other side of this hell. I am alone. I have people around me but, I am alone when the darkness descends and threatens to obliterate me.

 

I can understand how some people might be fearful, and as they watch their mate crumble...they become overwhelmed or don't know how to deal. I am sure this is a frightful thing to be witness to. I understand because I've been there...I was on the other side of the fence, before this happened to me. I will tell you this...I did NOT make an excuse...I stood my ground and gave those people all the support I could muster. I was there for so many people who were depressed or suffering through broken marriages and lifes many circumstances. I had a choice...I could walk away but seeing someone in pain...it gave me reason to stay. I stood my ground...I never ran away...no matter how mortifying or humbling the situation was. I just couldn't turn my back. I just couldn't do that to someone in  pain.

 

I never walked away...it was that simple. Since joining this site...I read so many heartbreaking stories. Listening to all these people here...I am saddened, when I see that we all faced this abandonment. Yet it has nothing to do with who we are as a person...it had to do with the changes brought on by this drug.  They all ran away because they did not understand how heavy this weight is, that we now carry until and even after, this taper is over. This drug has heightened all those fears we had before being put on it. They do not understand that this fear and uncertainty is a cry for help...all we want is salvation. How many of us are desperate for answers, only to be turned away by loved ones. This place is where we found ourselves...knocking at the door because family, mates, friends...they locked us out...they threw us out...they just didn't care enough. We are all strangers...who are seeking someone who does understand our plight. We all want to be with those who won't turn us away. We are all seeking to be whole...we want to be understood. We want to be loved again and not loathed. I really don't get how people just abandon a loved one because they are ignorant, selfish, and scared witless themselves. If only they knew the fear and uncertainty we faced day in and day out...if only they could get a taste of what we felt hour after hour. If only they really knew how scared we are because this is constant...we don't get to rest...we don't get to sleep soundly. We are waiting defenseless at the gate, waiting for the lion to pounce. This is everyday for us...being afraid of our own shadows...literally .

 

I am going through hell right now. I have suicidal ideations, rage...plus all the rest of the sx's this venom has thrown at me. But my dad and mum need me...I do what I have to...even though I struggle with deep dark depression and uncontrollable crying fits. I find the strength to help...even if that is all I can do. I won't turn my back as long as I have the strength to do this...as long as I don't give up. But then...where is everyone when I need them? I am worth a phone call from my girlfriend...she forgets how much I put on the line to save her.

 

I understand that this can profoundly affect our loved one's, our partners, our mates and our friends. But why not learn...why not educate yourself...why not search for the knowledge, to bring a lost soul back to this world. It's funnny that a significant other or a family member once upon a time, they would pronounce their love for us...that is until we took ill, and then they COULD not even love you from a distance. Suddenly their sanity mattered more than ours. I would think that if anyone professes to care or to love you...that they would lay down their life for you...they would do anything to get the real you back. Instead the choose to be ignorant. They continue to be fearful and foolish and instead of showing some compassion; they look upon someone with this illness, as a leper...something to keep your distance from. Why not make the attempt to understand...why not give them the aid they need? Why not be the one who saved a life today?

 

I will remember the people who have been there for me, and who have helped. One day, we will all be out of this rut. One day we will have climbed out of this deep, cavernous hole Clonazepam has savagely tossed us into. One day we will be whole and complete. So I will remember these days well...and one day I will be able to better decide, if I should walk or if I should stay...with those people who dumped me on the side of the road. Should I make something of myself...I will never forget those who did care. I will extend kindness to those who aided me, and to those who did not...they will only see my back...as I walk away. Why waste my time on someone who didn't want to be there for me today. If they could not do this in the here and now....be assured the will continue to be selfish->they will never be there for you tomorrow. I will let them go, and hopefully as this journey progresses...I might just come across the persons who accepts me as I am, and who want to be with me with all my trappings and maybe...I will be blessed with true love's kiss.

 

I can honestly say, I am no better than anyone else in this...but to those who have left...stop pretending that you are better than me!!!!

 

Fight onward my friends...to Victory.

[[Su...]]

Travuz,

 

You brought me to tears.    :'(    You put into words what so many feel...and don't know how to write it.

You have been hurt deeply, haven't you ?

I wish that you would post this somewhere for all the buddies to read.

 

Your parents marriage is beautiful and real.  Thank you for sharing their story.  A marriage is hard work, and they were willing to sacrifice for each other, and stood by their marriage vows.  That comes easy, when you love your partner...more than self.  I hope that you will be blessed with someone who will love you completely.

 

You write beautifully....from your heart. 

[[tr...]]

Thank you Sunny girl

 

I have been hurt for as long as I have lived...my childhood was tainted...my preteen years where corrupted...my teenage years were filled with aloneness...my adulthood was chaotic and now that I am a past middle age...I have fallen from grace, I struggle, and I am impoverished...add to it this hell that is tapering. My life has been a journey checkered with pain and suffering...but I keep going because I want to believe, that I will taste a bit of happiness before I leave this world. If not...my life has been a waste and a disappointment. 

 

Today I was watching an artist create on Youtube. Though he is long gone...there are his fans who idolize him and want to be like him. My dream was to be such an artist...I broke down and cried like a baby. The worst thing in life is when your dreams have died and when you have no passion left, to even make the attempt to reclaim that desire. I cannot motivate myself. I simply want to disappear from the face of this earth. I am tired of so many disappointments. 

[[Be...]]

Travuz,

 

My dreams were once burning realities only to be snuffed as impossible fantasies.  2-3 years ago I really felt like I had fire in my veins. Now I am a desperate, pathetic heap of a young man who has lost a lot of will. I too have been bludgeoned by the callous hands of fate. It sucks to put yourself into life 110% then be obliged by circumstance to complete and utter failure. Failure after failure. O I know the tune all too well my friend.

 

I will say though, that no ones life is a waste. We all have a story to tell, and we all have a difference to make. Even if your life is a miserable drudgery, it still has meaning. Holocaust victims, people in places like Darfur, refugees; there is a ton of suffering in this world. Whenever life pisses in our cheerios, we get hurt and feel betrayed, but maybe we are meant to do different things? I think about people like Viktor Frankl, who have still contributed in an unbelievably positive way to our world, despite enduring tragedies that no one should have to.

 

You will always have an affinity for art. Just your words can evoke imagery- I can't imagine what you can conjure with a paper and pencil. You don't have to pretend you are not beaten down; us BB's are all here to support and carry one another across the finish line. We are all going to have to shoulder eachother's burdens when we are having our bleakest days... But that's the beauty of it! We can get through this harrowing journey, and see what remains of ourselves when the dust settles.

[[dr...]]

Amazing posts guys. Travuz that looks like that took a lot of effort to write and I thank you. I hope your gf will spend more time with you. It seems there are many many people who are deep down, weak and worthless human beings. Our job is to find the small percentile that aren't, and hopefully marry one of them.

[[te...]]

To everyone here-- You SO deserve

[[mi...]]

I lost my bf early on in wd. It actually wasn't as hard as it should have been because I was expecting it. Breakups while I was on Klonopin were much worse, because like you said, the benzo takes away all our coping skills, and makes it so we can't "get over" anything. I don't know how it does that, but it sure as hell does.

 

If they're gone it wasn't meant to be. I don't want to be with anyone either who would want to dump me when things get rough. Obviously they didn't love me that much. Screw them.

 

Holllyms sorry about your boyfriend... I really am... How are things today.. hope you are getting better.

Just so you know, the same thing is happening here at home.. My family wants to put me somewhere else.

I cannot believe this hollyms....  I also am on K right now..it is hard...hoping to get thru this like you did.

If they do not care then they were not meant to be you are so right .. I will keep going... You be well

I am thinking of yu alway's,,

Luv,

Mishi

[[Pe...]]

What do you mean your family wants to put you somewhere else Mishi?

[[Su...]]

That's awful Mishi.  Don't let them do that to you.  :'(

[[Ni...]]

mishi, are you ok? How can everyone help you right now?