I relapsed :,( please help

[[Ca...]]

Hey B Bubbies,

I feel so ashamed and that I let myself down so much. I did a really fast taper off Xanax and went CT from really heavy drinking for almost four years(5-7 days a week drinking), to make it worse I was mixing the two together and I was not prescribed Xanax, I was buying it off the street and was doing that for about a year. I got away to family in America for 6 weeks which took me out of that cycle but I was still using 1mg of xanax over there a day and said I would stop when I get home.

I was in a relationship and she knew all my faults and completely supported me but when I was away she broke up the first week in January and by the time I got back at the end of the month she already had a new boyfriend which I couldn't believe.

I completely spiraled out of control for about 5 months back drink and using xanax until I woke myself up out of this horrendous hole I was in and decided to give everything up. 3 weeks ago she calls me again to get her clarity of the breakup but also reminded me that she loved me and could see us being together again but she was with somebody else and had started to develop feelings for him now which ultimately triggered me again and for three weeks I went back to the normal pattern I was in before because I never got my clarity from the phone call she just called up to get hers. I currently haven't drank alcohol in 2 days and taking 5mg of diazepam twice a day if my anxiety gets too much and will stop completely taking diazepam on Sunday.

I guess what I'm really trying to ask is how can you avoid these triggers, I totally taught that the phone call was a phone call to get back together but I was completely wrong and I'm afraid that this might not be the only trigger in my life that will set me off.

Any advice would be much appreciated my friends💚

[[Cr...]]

Relationship issues are a tough matter, and I can tell you are still not over her yet. I think the issue at hand is the way that you cope. Even if she were to get back together with you it is very possibly that, like many couples, you will have arguments. Based on your past it is likely you would seek solace in alcohol and benzos.

You have got to learn from your past, so you can fix yourself in the present, and safeguard your future. Are you finally ready to properly put your addictive habits behind you and begin recovery for your mind and body?

This won't be an easy process, so you will have to put almost all your focus on yourself for the next year or so. Yeah you didn't get closure with her but many people often don't when it comes to relationships.

If you are ready to come off of benzos you need to make sure that one phone call from her won't cause you to break down and destroy any progress. If you can tough this out and become a new, better man.. your stability will no longer be vulnerable to her validation.

 

[[Ca...]]

Thanks for getting back, you have really wise words. I don't really understand what my feelings are towards her, I know we're not good for each other and there's no way I could get back with her after all this but she was such a good support for.me when times were bad and now I don't have anyone. But you are right, we would both probably end up drinking again and ultimately back to the same shit.

I'm totally ready to have a better life without any addiction and I have been able to do this before when I was dependent on anything like alcohol or benzos. I took 6 months out and just hit the gym and focused on me, it's amazing what's happened in your life when you manifest and do what's right for you and you only. I just want to be that person again and I know I will.

I think I was just completely taken by surprise and it was a hard hit to the heart but I need to be stronger then that. I just need to realise what will be a trigger, I just need to know how to not let anything any triggers take hold of me, it will be at least a year but I'm just scared because I didn't realise how vulnerable I really am.

[[Cr...]]

3 minutes ago, [[C...] said:

just need to know how to not let anything any triggers take hold of me

That may be hard to accomplish. Instead of worrying about not letting anything trigger you, how about you choose different coping mechanisms when stuff does trigger you? You like the gym, maybe hit the treadmill or bench hard after a trigger to release endorphins to cope with frustration. Or a jog perhaps? There is no way you can prevent yourself from getting upset in the future, but you can choose what you do when you get upset.

Who knows, your time out jogging or at the gym may lead you to finding your life partner. I always believed the best types of partners are ones you got when you weren't actually looking.

[[Ca...]]

Your totally right and it is what I do but right now I'm stuck because I just got a tattoo so I'm out of the gym for another day or two. I said to myself you need to go through the hard to get back on top. I need to get out walking if I cant get to the gym. I think it's the circumstance, I've got no one else to turn to or have support from so I crumbled and I guess I need to learn from this.

And I agree, it's when you aren't looking, you find the one. Unfortunately that was the case with my ex, I was on a work trip.... I need to just live in hope that I will be the person I use to be but so much better...its fuckin hell man but I brought this on myself. I need to go through with it, the anxiety is just unbelievable 

[[da...]]

Brother, your biggest concern should be your health. Not to scare you but coming off benzos could be extremely difficult for awhile. She wont even matter when you’re going through symptoms. 
 

Take it from me, iv took benzos and abused alcohol. I healed once and now im back in what feels like acute withdrawal because i relapsed into drinking again. Alcohol makes matters much worse and the paws you get from alcohol after already having a benzo injury is much worse. 
 

focus on you. Your health 

[[Ca...]]

Thanks Dave, since my last drink on Tuesday I've been taking in all the words and advice.

Yourself and @[Cr...] are completely right and I need to only focus on myself, my health and my future. I thought I was stronger and through the worst but not.

It seems like we've had exactly the same situation @[da...], I was only 5 weeks clean though so I wouldn't call myself healed but I had control. Until that trigger. I think it's the fact that I'm giving up both again which is hard and alcohol totally doesn't help. The real tests will start Monday when I'm done with the fast taper off diazepam Sunday night, my anxiety right now thinking of her is too much with the alcohol come down but I am determined.

I'm just trying to get through to the next day and keep my mindset like that to make it easier. I need to start thinking more positive, meditate more, keep my fitness going when I can get back running in the next day or two and just stay healthy. What you put out to the universe is what you get back and I just need to keep thinking that, it's all I can hope for.

[[On...]]

I would focus on you and keeping yourself safe. I'm not sure how long you have been continuously using from your post?

I would access as much support as possible, if can get medical advice/support. And keep reaching out.