I am one year off

[[Re...]]

It has been the longest and shortest year of my life. But I am officially one year off of Seroquel given during benzo withdrawal that ruined my life. I honestly think I would be back to living without that drug. It just destroyed me. Worse than the benzo likely because of the underlying benzo injury. I still have 23 symptoms a year later, and I am in constant chronic pain due to a frozen shoulder that is affecting my entire upper body and left side too. My worst symptoms are tinnitus, hyperacusis, burning tongue, inner vibration, and the shoulder. Sometimes I have small jolts of akathisia but it is nowhere near what it once was and it passes with an ice pack being applied to my chest.

I lost my home in May, a relative forced me out, and I have been homeless dealing with all of this, trying to figure out what to do next. As if things could not already get worse. I am struggling to maintain ownership of my beloved elderly dog as it is very difficult to take care of her, and paying for care is not affordable. People don't seem to want to help for free anymore due to the gig economy, and finding places to live is complicated due to skyrocketing prices and people making money hand over fist on vacation rentals. I have no idea how I will get out of this, but I am truly fighting for survival.

It is so cruel to have a frozen shoulder after getting akathisia and pacing for months and months and months. I do sleep now and I have my cognitive abilities. Nobody looking in from the outside knows what I am going through physically although I am unkempt compared to how I once was. I haven't been able to exercise for two years, and I won't risk using any beauty products or chemicals I am sure for a very long time. I don't take anything not even a vitamin and I live in terror of something happening that requires medical care because that would be the end of me it seems. The PTSD from this is so bad I don't think I could even swallow a pill if I wanted to.

I wish I had more family support -- one of my last living relatives is the one who forced me out and my other relative is all the way across the country and doesn't really understand what truly happened to me. My friends with resources aren't offering help and my family member with the resources to make this easier for me -- at least for another six months or a year is withholding resources. To be fair, they spent a lot of money trying to help me but to dump me out on my a** like this is just simply inhumane. They dumped me out because of the akathisia.

I can't believe trusting my doctor and taking a benzo led to this destruction. it is truly surreal. There is nothing anyone can really say for "comfort" a chunk of money to rent a place for a year would solve my problem and a safe, clean, quiet place to live for a few months would help while I figure out what the hell to do. My relative left me without a cosigner and won't give me a chunk of money to sign a lease and I have not gotten paid in a few years because of not being able to work. Now I have to figure that out too and I am so limited physically and fighting to just walk my dog and can't even drive.

It's an unfortunate reality but it is what it is. So here I stand, folks. Never in a million years when I first logged on this site did I think I would be here this long or become a severe case who lost it all. It does not seem real but it happened to me.

Through this experience, I've realized I don't actually have anxiety—that was a side effect of an antidepressant I was prescribed, which ultimately led to the benzo disaster. That doctor was utterly incompetent. Perhaps it's time we start naming names.

Miraculously, somehow, all the stress of this has not made symptoms worse. Hopefully, now, I am over the threshold of new symptoms emerging delayed as I was very concerned about that since I know it can happen for some people up to a year off.

Anyway, buddies, that's my update. I'm not around here much anymore. Thinking about all this affects me deeply and fills me with a sense of hopelessness, so I try to focus on my past life. Nonetheless, I truly appreciate the support I've received here, both giving and receiving. My goal is to one day share a success story and move on.

[[Ti...]]

I am so sorry, Rebecca. People sure do show their true colors in this process. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make it better, except you aren’t alone and I am so terribly sorry your family has abandoned you in your time of need. Since Covid began people seem to be more inclined to abandon the downtrodden without any conscious. It is truly one of the saddest and selfish things I’ve ever witnessed in my life. I hope things turn around for you in the near future. 

I was also put on a benzodiazepine due to a medication switch from an antidepressant to an anticonvulsant for migraines, and suffered two panic attacks. It wouldn’t do any good to name him since his medical license has already been sacrificed to the state since he was an opioid prescriber under pressure for investigation. I’m afraid this will start happening to benzo prescribers, so although you mean well it may just end up hurting patients worse. The production quotas of controlled substances have already been cut for another year, and increasing each year, and prescribers are already under the gun to stop or curtail prescribing, leaving patients with fast tapers or cold turkey. That’s what happened to me in 2019. I suspect we will see this increasing each year. 

[[Re...]]

1 hour ago, [[T...] said:

I am so sorry, Rebecca. People sure do show their true colors in this process. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make it better, except you aren’t alone and I am so terribly sorry your family has abandoned you in your time of need. Since Covid began people seem to be more inclined to abandon the downtrodden without any conscious. It is truly one of the saddest and selfish things I’ve ever witnessed in my life. I hope things turn around for you in the near future. 

I was also put on a benzodiazepine due to a medication switch from an antidepressant to an anticonvulsant for migraines, and suffered two panic attacks. It wouldn’t do any good to name him since his medical license has already been sacrificed to the state since he was an opioid prescriber under pressure for investigation. I’m afraid this will start happening to benzo prescribers, so although you mean well it may just end up hurting patients worse. The production quotas of controlled substances have already been cut for another year, and increasing each year, and prescribers are already under the gun to stop or curtail prescribing, leaving patients with fast tapers or cold turkey. That’s what happened to me in 2019. I suspect we will see this increasing each year. 

Thank you, @[Ti...]. I hope so as well. This is a terrible storm of too many things at once to deal with. I am sorry for other patients who will be harmed by the backward medical system.

[[Bu...]]

Hi @[Re...],

I've been wondering how you've been doing.  I am so very sorry that things are what they are right now.  I just want to shake some sense and humanity into your relative.  😡

Have you found a place to stay right now?  

[[Ti...]]

1 hour ago, [[R...] said:

Thank you, @[Ti...]. I hope so as well. This is a terrible storm of too many things at once to deal with. I am sorry for other patients who will be harmed by the backward medical system.

You’ll make it through. Sometimes life feels like one test after another. I’ll pray for you or send positive vibes, whatever it is that works for you. Take care, Rebecca, and stay strong. 

[[Re...]]

36 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

Hi @[Re...],

I've been wondering how you've been doing.  I am so very sorry that things are what they are right now.  I just want to shake some sense and humanity into your relative.  😡

Have you found a place to stay right now?  

Thanks for asking about me @[Bu...].I have been floating around in temporary nightly housing paying cash for places, unable to get a lease. It has been five weeks now of this and I am very tired and want to settle into a place. I am confused about whether I make a bigger move out of state or stay in my home state in another city for a year and then do a bigger move. It seems like saving money is all an illusion in this economy. I am so physically miserable I don't even know what to do anymore and very afraid of long-term damage as September will be two years off of benzos and I still have so many symptoms. I called a friend today and he said I look and seem fine. I think that is a big part of the problem that this is an invisible issue on some levels. He doesn't see my spasms or feel my pain or hear tinnitus. To the outside world, I seem fine.

[[jo...]]

It is a big problem. That we often look OK...ish. I understand where your coming from and wish you all the luck in the universe. You deserve it. I sometimes wish I had a leg amputated instead of this. That might be an off thing to say but at least we'd get proper help.

[[Bu...]]

@[Re...] and @[jo...],

It drives me nuts when someone says, "well, you look fine" or "how are you, you look good".  Seriously? 

I've lost weight, then gained weight, then had weight shift around. My hair is falling out and what's left is going very gray.  I've lost all muscle tone from the inactivity of the last year.  My posture is terrible from sitting hunched over like a question mark on my couch for 3 months during the worst of my insomnia.  I have dark circles and bags under my eyes.   Umm...How'd I look before?!? 

I know they (mostly) mean well, but geez.

Anyway, @[Re...] I understand you not being around here much, but whenever you stop in, we'll be here for you. ❤

[[Ti...]]

Weird. Just woke up thinking about you and heard this song in my head. I think maybe you need to hear this right about now. Hang on, girl. 

 

Edited Friday at 08:51 by [Ti...]

[[...]]

@[Re...], I think of you every day. Praying that all goes well and time brings healing to your soul and body and to everyone else here.