thinking of a rescue dose 9 months out need advise please guys !

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hi everyone could really do with advice , 
im 9 months out from heavy diaz use withdrawal has been hell ! 

my symptoms are alot better but very up and down and my sleep is still greatly effected , iv been okay the last week or so but last night had a rough night . 

when sleeping iv been getting this weird delusional state almost like hallocuinations where my brain muddles up loads of images and puts together story’s and scenarios that’s don’t really make sense it doesn’t happen a lot but some nights it has been as is very disturbing . 
 

anyway im going away with my partner on a cruise tomorrow its only for two nights as a short break , but over the last year we’ve been away a few times and iv always mainly felt awful for the trips and had really high anxiety and withdrawal symptoms , 
i was looking forward to feeling somewhat better this trip around and having a half normal time . 

anyway last night happened and my anxiety is through the roof today and i just don’t feel good , feel sick , spaced out , anxious etc . 
i thought may of had covid but luckily it’s not . so putting it down ion top of the delusions last night it’s probably some bad anxiety / withdrawal , 

i still have a few tablets left over from when i stopped 9 months ago what im thinking if this anxiety carries on tomorrow is just take a dose for the two days im there ? 
how much would this effect me has anyone done this being far out ? 
will it make my withdrawal come back worse i know it can cause slight kindling i think people call it but i hear mixed reviews about kindling ,a

what are people’s views / experiences? 
i know it seems like a silly thing to do after withdrawal but i just want a normal two days im sick and tired of feeling anxious and ill ! 
i can deal with any extra anxiety when im back but just want a few days to enjoy my trip ,
let me know what you guys think thank you 

 

[[Ma...]]

Don’t risk it. Just don’t. Use it everything in your toolbox to combat the anxiety.

It’s kind of like an alcoholic who has been sober for 9 years and 1 glass of wine puts them immediately back to square 1.

I’m sure many will respond that a single rescue dose didn’t affect them, that even in surgery a benzo for sedation is fine blah, blah, blah…are you going to reach for 1 each time you feel anxiety? Do something out of your comfort zone?

I highly encourage you to throw all of them away and just please don’t risk it after 9 months.

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well if gone 9 months and through 3 different holidays already just feeling terrible with anxiety and haven’t reached for one !
i just wanted this one trip to feel half decent , there are some more deep routed aspects with it to do with my relationship also , 
but i do fully appreciate what your saying and your opinion for me i would risk getting addicted again, thats no way an option . 
just was wondering how harmful / symptoms inducing it would be if i where to take one or two doses 

Edited Wednesday at 13:13 by [ad...]

[[Pa...]]

I'm not sure how many members have taken a successful time out but speaking strictly about how this could play out, I don't see you getting physically dependent on the diazepam and believe you'll be able to stop taking it when you get home.  I believe it will ease the symptoms you're feeling which are probably the result of worrying about how you'll feel on the trip.  Isn't it ridiculous that we can ruin something we should be looking forward to by worrying? 

Like @[Ma...], I worry about the emotional aspect of this, but feel you're strong enough to fight the urge to use the diazepam again, but if you're not, then I'd follow her suggestion to get rid of them. 

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23 minutes ago, [[P...] said:

I'm not sure how many members have taken a successful time out but speaking strictly about how this could play out, I don't see you getting physically dependent on the diazepam and believe you'll be able to stop taking it when you get home.  I believe it will ease the symptoms you're feeling which are probably the result of worrying about how you'll feel on the trip.  Isn't it ridiculous that we can ruin something we should be looking forward to by worrying? 

Like @[Ma...], I worry about the emotional aspect of this, but feel you're strong enough to fight the urge to use the diazepam again, but if you're not, then I'd follow her suggestion to get rid of them. 

hey thanks for your reply what did you mean by a successful time out ? 

i can fully understand the concern with becoming dependent again but even if i wanted to it would be impossible as i have no access , plus if i was going to bail and re dose again i would of done it months back through all my intense suffering like if had some horrible weeks / nights / days where i was almost done but i kept pushing through ! 

this is souly to just be able to enjoy my time on the trip i wasn’t even going to consider it but because the anxiety / withdrawal symptoms have just come back and slapped me it would be lovely to be able to enjoy it ! 

your right i think also because im focusing on feeling good for this one iv subconiusly put stress on my self to . 
 

[[Pa...]]

4 hours ago, [[a...] said:

what did you mean by a successful time out ? 

I meant taking a break from the suffering like you're planning to do.  I hope whatever you decide you'll be able to enjoy the time with your partner, my gosh, its not too much to ask, is it? 

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2 hours ago, [[P...] said:

I meant taking a break from the suffering like you're planning to do.  I hope whatever you decide you'll be able to enjoy the time with your partner, my gosh, its not too much to ask, is it? 

ooo i see what you mean , im swaying a lot more to not taking it but im going to take one with me just incase ! 
i will enjoy a few cocktails instead lol . 
thank you for your replies and help 

[[Pa...]]

@[ad...], have you had any alcohol since you've been tapering, do you know how you'll react?  You know it can be tricky for some of us, right?  

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5 hours ago, [[P...] said:

@[ad...], have you had any alcohol since you've been tapering, do you know how you'll react?  You know it can be tricky for some of us, right?  

i haven’t been tapering since 9 months ago do you mean have i tried it after jumping ? 
yeah i have im 9 months clean now , 
alcohol’s seems to spike symptoms  slightly for a day or a few days at worse then back to baseline . 
got to be better than taking a rescue dose no ? 

Edited Thursday at 06:53 by [ad...]

[[PE...]]

2 hours ago, [[a...] said:

i haven’t been tapering since 9 months ago do you mean have i tried it after jumping ? 
yeah i have im 9 months clean now , 
alcohol’s seems to spike symptoms  slightly for a day or a few days at worse then back to baseline . 
got to be better than taking a rescue dose no ? 

I think it's about the same thing for the brain. 

We are on the same timeline:))

I have a couple of beers sometimes and also feel a slight boost in symptoms for a couple of days. Makes me not want it..

[[Pa...]]

3 hours ago, [[a...] said:

i haven’t been tapering since 9 months ago do you mean have i tried it after jumping ? 
yeah i have im 9 months clean now , 
alcohol’s seems to spike symptoms  slightly for a day or a few days at worse then back to baseline . 
got to be better than taking a rescue dose no ? 

I'm sorry @[ad...], I forgot you were benzo free but I'm glad you're aware of the possible pitfalls of alcohol.  That said, I hope you both have a good time.