I Was in Tolerance and Jumped; Please Advise

[[sl...]]

 

First an apology to everyone I insulted here. I had a relatively easy taper that made me irritable and obsessive, and I responded with malice and contempt to administrators who were concerned about my tapering board posts. I sincerely apologize. I didn't understand the severity of benzo withdrawal, but I'm learning now! Please forgive me.

For those that don't know me I tapered clonazepam 3.5 years and then lost control at the end, in tolerance withdrawal and confused, updosing three times to end up at 0.125mg/day and having severe interdose withdrawal that seemed to be made worse every time I took the drug. I jumped from that dose about nine days ago. I'm three days back from a 7-day detox clinic where I was put on a bunch of phenobarbital and other drugs, most of which caused various withdrawal or adverse effects that made it hell. I tapered off the pheno at the clinic, and had some serious withdrawal symptoms but I hid it so that I could go home; they had a sales team that wanted me to pay $1000/day to stay for 30 days in their residential program, with no help for my actual benzo withdrawal. It was a pharmacy with beds, and my kindled brain was not having any of it.

So I'm home now. Not sure what to expect in the coming weeks. The pheno has a very long half life so it's still in me but I'm already in the throws of acute withdrawal. It's not the worst ever; I can function sometimes, and get a couple hours of sleep each night. But I'm in constant pain, like I have the flu, and nightmares, depression, weird obsessive thoughts, and phobias. I'm increasingly afraid to go outside or see people, but I learned in the clinic how to pretend I'm fine so I'm managing okay with brief interactions. My wife is here caring for me as best she can, but it's hard; she's been through worse when I kindled myself on a severe and prolonged THC overdose four years ago (which led to the clonazepam script), but we're both really worn out and struggling to adapt.

I don't know what to do with myself right now besides lie down and let the symptoms roll over me. I pray. I cry if I can. I eat very regularly even if I'm not hungry. Any other suggestions for how to make the most of the first few days or weeks of acute?

Thank you so much for any advice. Again, please forgive me for not understanding.

Sns

 

[[pi...]]

@[sl...],

We, more than anyone else, understand that people are not themselves during withdrawal. Thanks for the apologies, but honestly they are not necessary.

I’m so sorry you ended up back on benzos and felt the need to go to detox. That is a brutal way to get off benzos. 

The good thing is that you are off benzos. I won’t kid you, it might be rough for a while but you can survive this. You just have to get through each minute, hour and day while your system starts to recover. You might remember that @[Pa...], one of our admins, stopped benzos cold turkey. She did fully recover, so that should give you hope. 

I became an expert at distraction during those days of acute. Anything to take my mind off the symptoms. I did puzzles, crosswords, watched easy going movies, listened to white noise and read Success Stories. 

Thank your wife for being there, but be sure that she also practices self care. Of course you know we’ll be here for you through your recovery, and you will recover!

[[sl...]]

Thanks @[pi...], I appreciate your understanding and your advice. I was just reading @[Pa...]'s story which inspired me to post today. The timeline for recovery from acute is terrifying, but who am I kidding, everything is terrifying right now. My wife is fighting to get her self care and her space; I am not keeping her from events or social encounters, and she's got a good support for herself right now and doesn't want to burn out. The hardest part for both of us is accepting how messed up everything is; there's no pill or food or trick to make this easier any more. I spend a lot of time alone with my symptoms, but it's better than being at the detox where I had to hide them. My biggest ongoing fear is that family or friends won't understand that this was caused by psyche meds and they'll try to help by encouraging or even forcing me to go back into "treatment". Today at least my wife seemed to get that this wasn't some "underlying condition" and we agreed to get through this without drugs. I'd honestly rather die at home from a seizure or whatever. Sorry, maybe that's too dark. Thanks again.

[[Pa...]]

Hi @[sl...], I'm so sorry you're in the thick of it, I had no idea things were so bad, I assumed you'd finished your taper and fully recovered.  

I believe you made the right decision by getting off the medication, you were in an impossible position so drastic measures were needed.  The great part about where you now is that you don't have to make any more agonizing decisions, your only job now is to focus on your recovery and manage your symptoms with all of the tools you've amassed and I know you have a few at your disposal. 

I'm glad your wife is there for you but focusing on her health as well, you can both survive this to come out stronger together, I'm sure of it.

I look forward to sharing your journey to full recovery, thank you for coming back. 

 

[[or...]]

1 hour ago, [[s...] said:

First an apology to everyone I insulted here. I had a relatively easy taper that made me irritable and obsessive, and I responded with malice and contempt to administrators who were concerned about my tapering board posts. I sincerely apologize. I didn't understand the severity of benzo withdrawal, but I'm learning now! Please forgive me.

For those that don't know me I tapered clonazepam 3.5 years and then lost control at the end, in tolerance withdrawal and confused, updosing three times to end up at 0.125mg/day and having severe interdose withdrawal that seemed to be made worse every time I took the drug. I jumped from that dose about nine days ago. I'm three days back from a 7-day detox clinic where I was put on a bunch of phenobarbital and other drugs, most of which caused various withdrawal or adverse effects that made it hell. I tapered off the pheno at the clinic, and had some serious withdrawal symptoms but I hid it so that I could go home; they had a sales team that wanted me to pay $1000/day to stay for 30 days in their residential program, with no help for my actual benzo withdrawal. It was a pharmacy with beds, and my kindled brain was not having any of it.

So I'm home now. Not sure what to expect in the coming weeks. The pheno has a very long half life so it's still in me but I'm already in the throws of acute withdrawal. It's not the worst ever; I can function sometimes, and get a couple hours of sleep each night. But I'm in constant pain, like I have the flu, and nightmares, depression, weird obsessive thoughts, and phobias. I'm increasingly afraid to go outside or see people, but I learned in the clinic how to pretend I'm fine so I'm managing okay with brief interactions. My wife is here caring for me as best she can, but it's hard; she's been through worse when I kindled myself on a severe and prolonged THC overdose four years ago (which led to the clonazepam script), but we're both really worn out and struggling to adapt.

I don't know what to do with myself right now besides lie down and let the symptoms roll over me. I pray. I cry if I can. I eat very regularly even if I'm not hungry. Any other suggestions for how to make the most of the first few days or weeks of acute?

Thank you so much for any advice. Again, please forgive me for not understanding.

Sns

It's so good to see you SNS, I still use the phrase often, slow and steady, and try to remember.  I understand spouting off, hot anger, with no warning.  I believe, still, that it is not the real me, it's my brain being twisted by the wd process.  I've made some crazy decisions, but and said some things I shouldn't have, outloud, or on here.  For me it's hard to apologize for being sick, because that's what's happened.  I never saw anything from you that would need forgiveness, but I am so glad you are here, have your wife standing by you etc.

I just want you to know I support you, and anyone dealing with wd sxs of any kind.  I understand so much more than I did when I first got here, and even though I really don't like my own behaviour often, it is helping me have more compassion, and empathy for others, your bud'dette, Oregonlady

[[or...]]

33 minutes ago, [[s...] said:

Thanks @[pi...], I appreciate your understanding and your advice. I was just reading @[Pa...]'s story which inspired me to post today. The timeline for recovery from acute is terrifying, but who am I kidding, everything is terrifying right now. My wife is fighting to get her self care and her space; I am not keeping her from events or social encounters, and she's got a good support for herself right now and doesn't want to burn out. The hardest part for both of us is accepting how messed up everything is; there's no pill or food or trick to make this easier any more. I spend a lot of time alone with my symptoms, but it's better than being at the detox where I had to hide them. My biggest ongoing fear is that family or friends won't understand that this was caused by psyche meds and they'll try to help by encouraging or even forcing me to go back into "treatment". Today at least my wife seemed to get that this wasn't some "underlying condition" and we agreed to get through this without drugs. I'd honestly rather die at home from a seizure or whatever. Sorry, maybe that's too dark. Thanks again.

I'm so glad you are here, I truly feel this is where I get the very best interaction with folks that understand at least some of what I mean.  I got a little note this a.m. here on a pm, just a "hello" and that they actually missed me.  Hard to believe sometimes as I think our confidence, self-esteem, whatever, just hits the garbage-can.  But I missed see you, your posts/replies here played such a significant part of me getting on with the whole taper thing, please know you are needed and wanted here, by much more than one of us, Oregonlady PS sending prayers, love, and hope to you and your wife Sns ♥️♥️

Edited Saturday at 15:14 by [or...]

[[3B...]]

SNS, 

 

WOW! I just saw this in my email. I really thought you would be fine. Benzos sure can deliver some cruel punches. I’m so sorry you are going through this. First, I’m glad you are trying and so sorry for what you went and are going through. I hope you keep fighting to get to the other side. You’ve helped so many of us here and I know we all remember that, so I’m glad to see you back here. It really is better to get to the other side, Pamster is a wonderful example of that!  One foot in front of the other, baby steps, just keep looking forward. 

[[sl...]]

Thank you @[Pa...], @[or...] and @[3B...] for your amazing messages of support! I really appreciate you welcoming me back. It's hard to use the computer right now, but I'll try to keep up on this thread.

My worst symptoms are the pain and paranoia; I'm praying a lot. Sometimes I get a long window like 6 hours and I honestly get imposter syndrome thinking I've been making it all up. Did anyone else find that resting is the place where they get the most waves? I'm finding that if I'm active I feel more and more normal, it's once I try to lie down and relax that things get weird. Because of this sometimes I intentionally try to rest and let things get weird, hoping it helps the process along.

Thanks again! I'll be back when I can.

[[pi...]]

@[sl...],

I believe any activity provides a distraction from the symptoms, it did in my case. They were still there but since my attention was elsewhere they took a back seat.

[[or...]]

3 hours ago, [[s...] said:

Thank you @[Pa...], @[or...] and @[3B...] for your amazing messages of support! I really appreciate you welcoming me back. It's hard to use the computer right now, but I'll try to keep up on this thread.

My worst symptoms are the pain and paranoia; I'm praying a lot. Sometimes I get a long window like 6 hours and I honestly get imposter syndrome thinking I've been making it all up. Did anyone else find that resting is the place where they get the most waves? I'm finding that if I'm active I feel more and more normal, it's once I try to lie down and relax that things get weird. Because of this sometimes I intentionally try to rest and let things get weird, hoping it helps the process along.

Thanks again! I'll be back when I can.

Hi SnS I remember someone saying, maybe more than once, that our brains are damaged and also, that they are liars.  I got into a weird state of mind that I didn't believe I was me, and I said my own name outloud and it just didn't seem I was really that person.  I still will get what I heard called "night terrors" that literally come out of nowhere.  Just an instant feeling of doom comes over me, then finally passes in a couple minutes.

I still love Parkers Article and read it often.  The more I remember that my brain has to heal before things can be some sort of normal, the easier it is for me to sort of, come back to Earth, 

big hugs, and so glad to see you 'round again oregonlady

[[sl...]]

3 hours ago, [[p...] said:

@[sl...],

I believe any activity provides a distraction from the symptoms, it did in my case. They were still there but since my attention was elsewhere they took a back seat.

Thanks. I do notice that.

[[sl...]]

36 minutes ago, [[o...] said:

Hi SnS I remember someone saying, maybe more than once, that our brains are damaged and also, that they are liars.  I got into a weird state of mind that I didn't believe I was me, and I said my own name outloud and it just didn't seem I was really that person.  I still will get what I heard called "night terrors" that literally come out of nowhere.  Just an instant feeling of doom comes over me, then finally passes in a couple minutes.

I still love Parkers Article and read it often.  The more I remember that my brain has to heal before things can be some sort of normal, the easier it is for me to sort of, come back to Earth, 

big hugs, and so glad to see you 'round again oregonlady

Thanks @[or...]! Yes, these weird symptoms are truly phantoms sometimes. I like the idea that my practice right now is to notice them and not give them any importance. Feel or think them, but not make any changes to "fix" what they seem to represent. I believe, whether it's true or not, that leaning into the waves in this way, accepting and allowing, earns me the windows. It's truly a bizarre and challenging experience, but I have hope that the healing is happening. And I believe the healing is much deeper than just benzo recovery; sort of feels like my whole psychiatric history is getting washed out of me one way or another.

Thanks again!

[[or...]]

Is that sort of like accepting them as normal, adjusting to them?  I know I've done that with the Tinnitus, and in doing that, it doesn't bother me any longer.  I don't really do anything for my tremors, tinnitus, or insomnia or any other weirdness.  Well, except for the migraine pain, I'll take Tylenol regular if I get a bad one, and lie down, as I can't do anything if it hurts bad enough.

Sounds to me like your brain is right on target   I know any sort of panic I had over sxs just made things worse.  I doubt I'm fully understanding your method, but if it works, don't fix it right, OL