My story need some advice please. Struggling a lot.

[[ma...]]

Hi guys. So here is my story. I don't know if anyone can relate or tell me something about my situation. In 2016 I was peppersprayed by a bouncer and I had a horrible reaction to it. Kawasaki Syndrom a hyperinflamatory disease. I was hospitalized treated and I thought I was good to go. A month after I smoked some pot and spiraled into the most horrific DPDR really badly. Couple months later I was given an ssri and a year later Ativan. Took it for 15 months daily as ordered by the doc. When the dpdr faded in 2018 I decided to go off Ativan. That was 15th of June 2018. First week was ok then the extreme withdrawlhell begann. 

2019 I had to use a cream called Aldara for an HPV wart on my thigh which crashed me really badly. Got numb again with some DR and there I was with the same crappy derealisation [ not as strong ] as the first time plus hellish withdrawl. I also started getting very bad fatigue and developed excercise intolerance. 

End of 2019 I forced myself to finish my master and wrote my thesis. It was hell I quickly realized my brain was not what it once was. Also since 2019 I developed rapid hearrate when trying to do mild activities or even excercise. Tried to go for a jog but ended up with crazy high hearrate which wouldn't calm down. Tried to push thru those years. 

2020 I thought I made it through. After my thesis I tried to celebrate and trues a tiny bit of pot. I got bad anxiety from it but I still tried to use it at nighttime to somehow make me sleep better, since I was taking care of my mom dying of cancer. End of 2020 the numbness returned. It hasn't lifter eversince. I stopped th le pot in 2022 after covid I got a huge panickattack. 

2023 I got Lymphoma. 

Now in 2024 I am struggling really badly and I don't know if it is still the protracted Benzostuff or not. That was the last med I took and the hpv cream which crashes me badly during withdrawl. I should mention I had a huge fight with my dad End of 2022 which gave me extreme dizzines and even worse palpitations plus a crazy sense of impending doom for a long time. 

I am constantly extremly tense like I can feel my nervousesystem squeezing all day every day. It gives me really horrible thoughts I am basically in my head all day 24 7. I have some type of perception disorder going on. It is like I am  not fully present I am observing life not living it. I can hardly do any stuff before my nervousesystem tensing up even more. 

My head and prefrontal cortex feels brutally numb. I cannot think focus I have 0 memory. 

My movement is fdgedy a lot of times when I try to do stuff. I have bad OCD. Intrusive thoughts are horrendous. Also some Sui.... thoughts too. I don't feel connected to the world and have horrible angedonia I simply exist have 0 drive and 0 joy. Can hardly feel anything. There is not much keeping me alive. Lost my mom had  cancer been dealing with this crap since 2019. Wish I never took psychmeds. Cannot go workout nor can I go for a run etc. Feel like there is 0 Dopamin and 0 Gabba in my brain

 The worst very very worst part is I have some type of sensory processing issue. Cannot go into buildings and stuff because my brain cannot process stimuli and the outside world. Also talking to people is extremly difficult. Don't feel like myself ME is lost gone .... 2 days ago it was 6 years I got of Ativan. Could this be still the protracted withdrawl? I haven't taken any meds since apart from chemo last year. I had these issues since 2019 tho and only taken tons of supplements eversince and preworkout  to give me synthetic boosts which always backfired. I am done. Really done

 I am shot cognitively and mentally. I am scares I have gotten some irreversible damage. Since I read " Changes in gene expression maybe unable to reverse."

I don't know what the hell is going on. All I know I got dpdr was put on those psychmeds and after I got of Ativan and crashed from that cream end of 2018 i got a superhypersensitive nervousesystem. Like it has 0 protective layer.. temperaturdysregulation... Basically Dysautonomia... 

Not much keeping me alive. Sorry for the nagtivs crap. Thank you.

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[ma...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Your story is so disturbing, I'm so sorry for what you've had to live through all of these years, I can see why you're searching for answers.  I wish I could provide the answers you seek but hopefully, others will read your story and be able to shed some light on your troubles with experience of their own.

I wonder if you might try posting in the Long Haulers Group, they may be able to provide some insight into your situation.

Regardless of the cause, many here will be able to commiserate with your symptoms, since they all seem to resemble benzodiazepine withdrawal and recovery.

We're glad you're here and hope we can help you.

@[Pa...]

[[ma...]]

1 hour ago, [[P...] said:

Hello @[ma...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

Your story is so disturbing, I'm so sorry for what you've had to live through all of these years, I can see why you're searching for answers.  I wish I could provide the answers you seek but hopefully, others will read your story and be able to shed some light on your troubles with experience of their own.

I wonder if you might try posting in the Long Haulers Group, they may be able to provide some insight into your situation.

Regardless of the cause, many here will be able to commiserate with your symptoms, since they all seem to resemble benzodiazepine withdrawal and recovery.

We're glad you're here and hope we can help you.

@[Pa...] Hi. Yes I know. it is a very difficult story. I am sorry to post such disturbing story. It just is what unfortunately happened to me. I cannot change it. I wish I could. I hope someone can give me some advice.