Thinking clearly and rationally

[[Ba...]]

I’m 10 months off klonopin after 23 years on it. I did a quick 3 month taper after my dr told me that he could no longer write this drug. 
 

I can’t think clearly or rationally. I have lots of physical symptoms but the mental are the hardest. I’m trying to be ok but I’m not. I haven’t been able to leave my house for a few months. Can anyone relate?

[[J ...]]

Hi Barbara,

I was on Clonazepam for 20 years, so yes I can relate to your battle. I tapered for 11.5 months and now I am free of that poison for 64 months. You tapered too fast but that is water over the dam. I can tell you that you are in the tough part of the battle and sadly there is not much to make the pain, both mental and physical, go away. I am sorry. But I can tell you that around 16-18 months things began to improve for me. Even then I would have bad weeks, but life gradually got better. Around three years, I had hope that I could live my life again.

Here is what I can suggest you do to make yourself more comfortable. 

- Sleep. Make your room bed as comfortable as you can. Get the clock out of your room. Before you lay down, write your thoughts on paper. This will allow to tell your brain that those thoughts that go through your head a million times will be there in the morning. 

- Stop worrying if you can convince your brain....this is a hard one. 

- Get drama out of your life. You need those that can help you. I had no one as my two children had no desire to be around me. It was hard, very very hard. 

- Try to go for walks, look at the trees and the sky. Embrace the simple things in life. One day I realized there were colors. I saw life in grey tones. 

- Time and hope are the only things you have right now. Hope is a powerful tool, use it. And I promise, in Time you will start to feel better. It is going to take some time so try to accept that.  

- Faith. If you are a religious person then go there. 

- Stay the hell away from "drs" that want to medicate you to provide relieve the pain....nothing but time will solve this

I am not being mean or anything like that, I lived exactly what you are going through so I know. 

PS: I am now 67 yo white male, retired electrical engineer, I am healthy for the most part. My wife divorced me 7 years ago so I live alone. I do have a relationship with a woman who is 65. I am relatively happy now. I realized that I laugh, I enjoy life, I have a strong love life, I can think, things make more sense to me now. There was a time when the simplest tasks were too overwhelming. I have since opened my own business and do electrician work as my side hustle. I had to take four-hour tests to get my electrician's license. (first my journeyman and now my masters license). I had to study and understand the content. I tell you this to prove to you that your brain will heal, you will get better and you will overcome this. 

I hope this helps you and anyone else that reads this. 

 

[[Ba...]]

It has helped me so much.  You are an angel. Can we keep in touch?

[[Ja...]]

Barbara H

I am 9 months out from a three month taper from Flurazepam.  I was on Flurazepam for 24 years.  So you sound similar to myself.  I am finding everything very tough also.  Thanks for you words of hope J Stone.  We are both have a long way to go before we reach 16-18 months, but we are almost half way there and that is definitely encouraging.

I just got a new paper shredder and it seems to have broken down after the first 10 minutes use.  I am trying to pack it back into the box, which is almost impossible, to return it to Amazon.  I know a little thing like this should not stress me out but my brain is swollen inside my head and I to say I cannot cope is an understatement.

[[J ...]]

Absolutely. Benzo withdrawal is terrible and prolonged. I am sorry to tell you that, but you will get better. I can promise that...I can't tell you how long it will take. From zero benzo day, March 14, 2019, it was about 16 months to when I knew I was getting better. Time is your friend....embrace that thought. 

I haven't been on this site is awhile. I had a tough day yesterday, Fathers Day, as my 23 yo daughter did not call and my son talked after I called him for about five minutes. Breaks my heart but I am strong now so I will deal with it. 

[[Ma...]]

@[Ba...] Please try to walk out your front door and stand there. Breathe in the fresh air and try to stand in the sun. Try every day then walk a little further.

Less than 3 months ago I could only walk a couple of blocks, now 6-8 miles. The endorphins, the air and movement really help.

I’ve also heard time and time again that 16 months is a turning point. Each day you get closer. Each day!!

[[J ...]]

Mary, that is great advice. Enjoy the small things in life, try to get outside in the sunshine, move your body. 

[[Ba...]]

I’m so sorry that your kids are not being nice to you.  I’m sad for you. My kids don’t understand what you and I are going through or you went through. Your reply to me means so much to me , you have no idea. It so scary what this process is all about. I believe you when you say that this will get better. It’s just that when you’re in the thick of it, it doesn’t seem so.  I believe I’ve been in withdrawal for years.  It’s so hard to deal with but beside my husband who has been rock, no one else understands this. I consider myself an intelligent person. I was a teacher for 20 years and believe it or not, I changed jobs and worked as a pharma rep for many years. 
JStone.  Can we talk   You understand and my husband needs a break from all of this. ❤️

[[J ...]]

Yes thank you for your kind words. It hurts but I am stronger now.  Both are smart and on their way in life, my son starts medical school next month and my daughter starts PA school in August. One would think they would be interested in benzo withdrawals. No worries as I am strong, healthy, financially stable and I have my business. 

Yes, we could talk not sure how we set that up. I enjoy helping people get through this...encouragement is all one can do. Your husband must be a good guy to put up with you in your mental state...its difficult to understand how screwy our thoughts can get.  I realized a few years ago I was in trouble when I couldn't figure out how to get money out of the 24hr teller....kinda of funny now. Once when I was so paranoid which was during my benzo taper, I would turn the light on in my walk-in closet so if someone came out of the closet the light would wake me. That is the crazy the benzo withdrawal did to me. 

I live near Norfolk VA. I have a good friend that was a pharma rep. Thus, you are intelligent!! What subjects did you teach? I taught electrical engineering for about four years.

[[Ba...]]

I was a special ed teacher and worked with kids with learning disabilities. But after 20 years of making so little money and working so hard , I had enough. So I got a job as a pharma rep. I did this for 20 ish years. During this time is when my use of klonopin began. This is when my world feel apart. I changed. My personality changed. My mom came to me soon after I started klonopin and said f so he noticed that I was different. However I didn’t see it. My husband thought I was just going through something but nevertheless said anything to me. I haven’t felt like myself since. I’m just trying to get better now. I’m trying to get back to myself I’m lost. I don’t really know who I am. 

[[Ba...]]

It’s so scary Jstone   to not be able to think clearly. How did you deal with this 

[[Os...]]

3 hours ago, [[J...] said:

Hi Barbara,

I was on Clonazepam for 20 years, so yes I can relate to your battle. I tapered for 11.5 months and now I am free of that poison for 64 months. You tapered too fast but that is water over the dam. I can tell you that you are in the tough part of the battle and sadly there is not much to make the pain, both mental and physical, go away. I am sorry. But I can tell you that around 16-18 months things began to improve for me. Even then I would have bad weeks, but life gradually got better. Around three years, I had hope that I could live my life again.

Here is what I can suggest you do to make yourself more comfortable. 

- Sleep. Make your room bed as comfortable as you can. Get the clock out of your room. Before you lay down, write your thoughts on paper. This will allow to tell your brain that those thoughts that go through your head a million times will be there in the morning. 

- Stop worrying if you can convince your brain....this is a hard one. 

- Get drama out of your life. You need those that can help you. I had no one as my two children had no desire to be around me. It was hard, very very hard. 

- Try to go for walks, look at the trees and the sky. Embrace the simple things in life. One day I realized there were colors. I saw life in grey tones. 

- Time and hope are the only things you have right now. Hope is a powerful tool, use it. And I promise, in Time you will start to feel better. It is going to take some time so try to accept that.  

- Faith. If you are a religious person then go there. 

- Stay the hell away from "drs" that want to medicate you to provide relieve the pain....nothing but time will solve this

I am not being mean or anything like that, I lived exactly what you are going through so I know. 

PS: I am now 67 yo white male, retired electrical engineer, I am healthy for the most part. My wife divorced me 7 years ago so I live alone. I do have a relationship with a woman who is 65. I am relatively happy now. I realized that I laugh, I enjoy life, I have a strong love life, I can think, things make more sense to me now. There was a time when the simplest tasks were too overwhelming. I have since opened my own business and do electrician work as my side hustle. I had to take four-hour tests to get my electrician's license. (first my journeyman and now my masters license). I had to study and understand the content. I tell you this to prove to you that your brain will heal, you will get better and you will overcome this. 

I hope this helps you and anyone else that reads this. 

Hey J stone. How Big of a difference in brain function and your way of thinking is there once you're fully healed? Does executive function come back? Please give me some hope bro. 

[[J ...]]

Barbara,

I was married for almost 21 years. I guess I started taking clonazepam around the second year. I couldn't sleep. I saw several "drs". The last guy prescribed me the benzo and an AD. I could sleep most nights for about six months, complained and he upped the benzo dose. I ended up taking 4mg and 800mg of an AD (which has now damaged my liver). I took these for years. My wife was difficult to get along with, had no clue what was going on around her, and was generally indifferent to me. I did ask her one time why she didnt say something...I dont recall her answer. So here I am. 

I was always a happy guy, people liked me for the most part. But during the benzo era, as I call it, I lost two jobs and several good friends. I changed big time. I could not think nor rationalize and was not a happy person. I tried to be a good father during this time but Sarah said she remembers me as always being angry. Maybe I was, I know I was not in a happy relationship. So yes, the drug almost destroyed me and certainly destroyed my family. Its been seven years and I have accepted my new life. 

I would always tell the "dr" I wanted to get off the drugs. I stopped the benzo once and I learned quickly not to do that. So, in 2018 I had eye surgery, and my heart rate went to the mid 20's. Afterwards the anesthesiologist told me it was most likely the benzo. So the next month I started my taper. It was difficult and I learned along the way to do liquid titration. Don't remember where I read that, but I did figure it out somehow. Started me a spreadsheet to keep track of my dosage.  My taper was about 11 months, the wheels started wobbling around the fourth month in. When I hit zero benzo day, I was in bad shape. Then it got worse. Almost lost the job I had then as a Sr. Electrical Engineer, PE, and project manager. They let me go to second shift...they were kind. 

I could not sleep, it was tormenting! Month after month, crisis after crisis, I would get emotional over the smallest things, drank much more beer, and nearly did the unthinkable. I was worried who would take care of my dog Remmy. I am emotional thinking about this.....

I would read devotionals, I would pray, but I was faltering. Then I had some good days where I saw colors and I had a good night's sleep, I was the green trees, the blue sky, I remember seeing a red car...I didn't notice I was not seeing colors. 

I always tell people, there is no magic pill or anything to help you. The gamma cells in your brain are healing and, just like a cut, it takes time for the cells to adjust, grow, heal. This is the time part. Go read about Gamma A and Gamma B. 

Have a good day!

Rule your mind, or it will rule you. 

[[J ...]]

53 minutes ago, [[O...] said:

Hey J stone. How Big of a difference in brain function and your way of thinking is there once you're fully healed? Does executive function come back? Please give me some hope bro. 

Yes, for the most part. I am now 67 but I function very well. To this day, I will get some ephinay about something that I could not figure out or I have been thinking about. I am not nearly as sharp as before the benzo era but I feel great both physically and mentally. 
 

Fully healed is a subjective feeling. My brain will always be damaged from the benzos but I do very well now. 

Ron

[[J ...]]

2 hours ago, [[B...] said:

It’s so scary Jstone   to not be able to think clearly. How did you deal with this 

Please call me Ron. I answered your comment below...This new view is different when I would get on here and look for that magic solution. 

[[Ba...]]

Hi Ron.

thanks for talking to me. It helps so much because no one but us can truly understand this. I feel so mixed up 🖤 emotionally. I have since I started klonopin 23 years ago. I was trying to clean my bathroom before and I looked at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel me at all. It’s such a weird feeling. Can you relate?  
 

it’s so hard because I have become afraid to leave my house. I can go for a ride in the car but that’s it. I can’t go to the store or shop. Right now , my husband is doing all of that. My family doesn’t understand. My brother in law thinks I should go to a psychiatric hospital and get more pills. Just what I need! I have tried to show him information about benzo withdrawal but he doesn’t believe it. I don’t know what to do with myself all day. I just try to survive the day and hopefully sleep at night, no guarantees there.  

[[Ba...]]

Ron,      It sounds like we had a similar experience. After I started klonopin my mother noticed I big change in me and said something to me about it. My husband noticed too but said nothing.  If only back then I would have put 2 and 2 together, maybe I could have avoided so much. 

[[Ba...]]

Ron, 

will I really get better 

[[PE...]]

32 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

Ron, 

will I really get better 

I was just like you housebound mostly of last year. I think it's natural to feel like hiding when being like that. I was In a very poor state in every way and was also afraid it was for life. It wasn't!

[[Ba...]]

Peppe, 

can you tell me more about your benzo history 

[[Ba...]]

Peppe

can you tell me about your benzo history 

[[Ba...]]

Are you feeling better. I certainly hope and wish that for you 

[[PE...]]

14 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

Peppe

can you tell me about your benzo history 

Hi.

Total time with benzos around 8 years.

CT 8 month's ago after trying to stabilize/taper the last year. 

It was rough trying to taper I was in bad withdrawal the whole time. Akathisia ans vomiting was my worst symptoms. 

After 3 months benzo free I was better.. and now slowly healing. Mainly tinnitus and morning anxiety is what is left from all the symptoms i had.

[[PE...]]

4 minutes ago, [[B...] said:

Are you feeling better. I certainly hope and wish that for you 

Yes. It's like remember a bad dream.. I'm still not 100% back but frankly I'm close enough.. life's ok.

 

Edited June 17 by [PE...]

[[Ba...]]

I’m glad.  I’m 23 years on klonopin. 9 months off after 3 month taper. No ok.