Older & wiser but I was stupid. Need your help

[[Po...]]

I’m 75 and I consider myself an intelligent thoughtful guy who usually knows what I’m doing. But I’ve done something to show I’m not as smart as I think I am. I have a long past history of being on a benzo, tapering off successfully and doing ok for a long time Last summer I began a path towards screwing that up. 
My wife and I moved from the pacific NW back to the Midwest last summer. Long story short I had to manage the move all by myself. It was very stressful causing lots of sleepless nights leaving to exhausted to deal with the hassle of a big move. I asked my NP for a Rx of diazepam to help me get through the move. I took a tablet very infrequently over a 3-4 month period. Everything seemed fine. I was doing ok for some time afterwards. Then when I got to where I was going and got a new doctor I asked for another limited Rx and again only took a tablet very infrequently when I was extremely stressed. Everything was going along fine until it wasn’t. 
In late March I got Covid. In early April I took a single 10mg dose of diazepam and no more.   I was doing ok until I started feeling crappy. The “malaise” lingered on. I blamed it on long Covid. Now a month+ later I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. I’m pretty sure I ROYALLY SCREWED UP and it’s a benzo withdrawal problem. I pushed the envelope to far and honestly I knew better but deceived myself into thinking into “a pill” here or there on a very infrequent basis won’t be a problem. I was wrong!!! Now I’m paying for my stupidity  

Question is, Now what?? It seems, based on my long past experience with this sort of thing  the only safe and painless solution is to reinstate on a 10mg dose of liquid diazepam and begin a slow taper like I did the first time I got off benzos. I’d appreciate the sage advice from those of you here for an old guy that royally & stupidly screwed up

Pokey 

 

 

[[Re...]]

Hello @[Po...], I am really sorry to read you're not feeling well.

Just a question : are you absolutely certain it is not the Covid still?

I personally suffered from very intense fatigue for well over a month after I got infected. It was true torture. The benzo withdrawal was not in the picture then. Some of us just react that way. 

The only thing that resembled that kind of fatigue :was indeed benzo withdrawal... 

I believe it would be not worth reinstating a daily diazepam. Have you considered giving it a bit more time? 

I wish you well @[Po...]! 

[[kn...]]

No reason to beat yourself up, friend. Consider this:  I’m 73 and have been taking benzodiazepines since I was 43.  They used to pass this stuff out like candy, but now want everyone off, stat. My prescriber crossed me from 4 mgs Klonopin and 1 mg Ativan to 60mgs Diazepam and I started down from there in fall of ‘21. Now down to 2.162. I do a dry weight taper of 5% every 30 days. I guess the big question for you would be where to start. Your sporadic use may have caused that thing called ‘kindling’.  If that’s the case, you may be able to start at a lower level. Good luck  with all this. Wishing you the best. 

[[Ma...]]

You weren’t stupid, you did what you thought would be helpful at the time. I did the same, as have many others.

I’m with @[Re...] for not reinstating and to wait it out, but only you know what is best for you.

And the Covid could definitely be a culprit, IMO. Hang in there!

[[ba...]]

I did the same as well. I did reinstate, but it was not completely because my sporadic pill was the only culprit. I also got floxed 3 times, and then pdoc tried me on an antidpessant for my extreme sxs, but I couldn't tolerate it, so he added a benzo. After 2 weeks, I stopped the AD (it really made me nuts) But now, I was back into full blown benzo dependence. The second time around, it never gave me the relief it did the first time, and my dosage soared. I am now several YEARS into a taper (CT first time.)

I suspect the sporadic pill use was affecting you, then covid set it off like a bomb.

In hindsight, i would not of reinstated. It did not work well, and here I am, in constant interdose wd. This taper is almost as bad as how the CT felt at times. I wish I had ridden it out, like a CT.

I am not telling you what to do, you need to carefully think about it. 

Just letting you know, I deeply regret the years i wasted reinstating, and now tapering.

Hopefully others will chime in.

 

[[Bu...]]

Hi @[Po...],

I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible.  My two cents:  when I got COVID, the fatigue and malaise lasted for several months.  I had it at the end of Aug. 2020 and I was just coming out of the lingering effects around the end of November that year.  I was still on my Benzo then and not tapering.  

I think @[ba...] is probably right about COVID setting off the sporadic use.  In your spot, I think I would just wait it out, but of course that's up to you.  

Hoping and praying you feel better soon.

[[Po...]]

Thanks to everyone for their kind and useful advice.  I will see how it goes. We have very comprehensive behavioral health center that takes walk ins. If I get to feeling to bad and fretting about what I should/shouldn’t do I’ll walk in. The big challenge with something like this is knowing you shouldn’t do certain things, like pop a pill, but the misery in the middle of a sleepless night can become overwhelming to cave in order to get relief. Whatever I do I know enough to get help if I need it 🤞

pokey 

[[Po...]]

I need to ask for advice from others here. A little history. I was on a benzo for 20 years. Took 24 months to taper off. Got off in 2008 via valium taper. Fast forward to 2023. As noted above in this thread I went through a very stressful period the summer/fall of 2023 and part of 2024. I popped a few valium to help me get "over some humps which I wont bore you with the details, doesn't matter. I again took 10mg dose of valium in February, maybe one in March??? & one in April and one recently. I am pretty sure my body is telling me "you really screwed up Pokey, you should have stopped when you were ahead". Ive been feeling very tired, body aches, poor sleep, fatigue, upset stomach. CRUMMY. Ive messed with my GABA receptors when I should have NOT have messed with my GABA receptors. So I think this sporadic use has messed up a "sleeping dog". 

Question is, now what. Tough it out since Ive not been on a daily dose or do I need to reinstate at 10-15mg using a liquid form of valium. I will of course have to see a doc do do that. 

THOUGHTS PLEASE??

One other thing Im supposed to have a medical test June 11 and the doctor says he uses versed as a sedative for doing the test. Given what I am dealing with I think I should insist on Propofol. If I wasnt dealing with this one dose of versed would be no big deal, but I dont think I should have it in the middle of all this "recuperation" Id appreciate thoughts on that as well. 

Thanks Much

Pokey aka Paul

[[En...]]

On 23/05/2024 at 15:14, [[P...] said:

I need to ask for advice from others here. A little history. I was on a benzo for 20 years. Took 24 months to taper off. Got off in 2008 via valium taper. Fast forward to 2023. As noted above in this thread I went through a very stressful period the summer/fall of 2023 and part of 2024. I popped a few valium to help me get "over some humps which I wont bore you with the details, doesn't matter. I again took 10mg dose of valium in February, maybe one in March??? & one in April and one recently. I am pretty sure my body is telling me "you really screwed up Pokey, you should have stopped when you were ahead". Ive been feeling very tired, body aches, poor sleep, fatigue, upset stomach. CRUMMY. Ive messed with my GABA receptors when I should have NOT have messed with my GABA receptors. So I think this sporadic use has messed up a "sleeping dog". 

Question is, now what. Tough it out since Ive not been on a daily dose or do I need to reinstate at 10-15mg using a liquid form of valium. I will of course have to see a doc do do that. 

THOUGHTS PLEASE??

One other thing Im supposed to have a medical test June 11 and the doctor says he uses versed as a sedative for doing the test. Given what I am dealing with I think I should insist on Propofol. If I wasnt dealing with this one dose of versed would be no big deal, but I dont think I should have it in the middle of all this "recuperation" Id appreciate thoughts on that as well. 

Thanks Much

Pokey aka Paul

If it was me in this position I would tough it out. If you think enough damage has been done then why do more damage. I find the more I mess with the doses the worst things can get. Quit while your ahead is a good mantra. I have been in a very tough withdrawal lately and during the toughest times I want to updose. It is so tempting. But I think to myself if I mess with the dosage I can mess things up more. So i hold and wait to get better as tough as it is. 

That's just my opinion. 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

I’m only a few weeks away from 21 months free from benzodiazepines as well as any other meds or alcohol. Just me speaking. The thought of putting a benzodiazepine back in my body makes me sick. I’m sorry for your suffering and I really mean that. it’s horrible. What that drug does to us and still doing I wish you the best on which way you choose to come off of that horrible drug. again, wishing you the best your fellow buddy

[[...]]

How are you now? Did you end up reinstating? 

I did the same stupid mistake and ruined it all but scared of even worse by reinstating 

[[Po...]]

Nope I did not reinstate. Whew!!