Guilt and wanting to reinstate

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Does anyone feel guilt, just constantly over the most minuscule things. I can’t stop hating myself and who I am. I feel guilty all the time. My confidence is nonexistent. I don’t think I’ve healed at all. I don’t feel present. I can’t work and feel sucked into a reality of negative internalization. I want to scream, cry, throw things and rip my hair out. I’m wondering if my SNRIs are preventing me from being able to cry or if it’s the withdrawal or both. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m starting to seriously consider reinstating until I’m at a better point in my life to be able to handle this. I’m unemployed, living with my mom and sister and two daughters, my car needs repaired so I can’t go places without asking someone. I keep thinking it’ll be easier if I get through college and am more independent. I really really really don’t think I can live like this anymore. I’m not showering and my room is always dirty. I need help. I feel so alone.

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@[An...]

What SNRI are you on? It shouldn’t make it impossible for you to cry. Have you been on it long enough to take effect?

Try to think about yourself as your only and best friend. An only person you can really trust and rely on. Cause it’s a fact. It’s a very hostile world out there, my dear, and people whom you can trust are few. 

Who instilled that sense of guilt into you? Your primary caregivers? Then other people who crossed your path? Just hypothesizing...

Such was the case with me. I felt guilty of being born and creating problems for my Parents as a kid. While in fact they treated me in a very cruel way. I told no one. I was an unwanted child. They should never have kids. 

Then I just felt guilty for everything like you, and the Inner Critic’s voice was overwhelming. It was my Mother’s voice. I learnt to dispute with that Inner Critic. And slowly but surely I proved my point. “You Inner Critic just f**k off“, cause it’s my life and no one has the right to judge me. I may see problems and try to solve them one by one, baby steps. But I have the right to be an imperfect human being.

I need my own self-awareness, self-care and self-compassion. And I will work on them.

Showering and cleaning your room is self-care. Just try to do a little each day. The change is always gradual, it’s a process. You deserve to be clean and to have a clean room. You are given this life just once, so try to do the best of it. 

It’s crowded at your place. How are your daughters handling all this? I live only with my Kitty, don’t have kids. Her unconditional love motivates me to do good things for myself and her.

Never give up on building a life of your dreams, despite the psych meds. People are on all kinds of psych meds. I read somewhere that every third American is on some kind of psychotropic agent.

As to BZD RI, it would make more sense to talk it over with your doctor. You are not alone. I’m reading your post and can identify so much it hurts. I did reinstate the diazepam and don’t regret it. I’ve been on fluoxetine for a long time.

You know, psych meds won’t do the work for you. They may help, but what chiefly works is self-acceptance and action on your part. Cognitive restructuring.

Wishing you the best. Never give up on yourself.

Paula❤️

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Hi Paula,

Your compassionate wise words resonate with me deeply. I dealt with emotional abuse from my father growing up in my teens and was in an extremely emotional abusive marriage from 2008 to 2018. I found a new therapist just a couple weeks ago and she says I have signs significant trauma. With all of the withdrawal, it’s hard to separate what symptoms pertain to which. I love what you said about your inner critic. You’re right, no one has the right to tell you how to live your life. I know it’ll take practice and much thought redirection, but I think I can get there. I’m taking Pristiq and Strattera along with Gabapentin, Clonidine, Prazosin and Doxepin. I’ve read about emotional blunting with antidepressants in regards to crying and laughing. I’m so worried that I’m messing my brain up further with all of these meds. It’s hard to know what to do. I’m in such a bad spot and decision making is extra difficult. The biggest reason I discontinued the Klonopin was because my memory was extremely poor. It’s worse now trying to heal. The last time I got off Klonopin (after taking it for a year and a half), my memory returned after healing. I want to talk to my psychiatrist about it, but it’s hard for me to trust doctors. I feel like all they know is what they’ve been told in medical school, which is much different than what is actual. They don’t seem to understand extensive withdrawal. I don’t know what to believe anymore in regards to what medication actually does/doesn’t do. It all seems corrupt. My daughters are doing well. They do well in school and everything, but they do get frustrated living here. My biggest worry is ruining my memory going back on the Klonopin and not being able to function in school when I return in January. It’s difficult to read and retain new information. The smallest stressors give me anxiety attacks. I want to heal from this crap, but I also don’t think I can take much more. I am going to talk to my therapist about it and see what she thinks. Thank you for your kind words!

-Anna

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@[An...]

First of all, I’m not a medical professional and don’t want to get bashed by the Admins for “trying to diagnose you“ since it’s against the rules.

But I clearly recognize symptoms of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as I also have it. My Father was physically and emotionally abusive till I ended up in hospital at age 16. Mother is emotionally abusive to this day, so I rather have Complex PTSD (C-PTSD). 

Since your Father was abusive, it’s logical that you ended up in an abusive relationship. The essence of trauma is that we reenact self-destructive patterns from our childhood all our adult life. Even in the absence of the original abuser.

We have internalized them as kids, cause that’s when the foundations of our psyche develop. The rest is just a repetition of a pattern. My abusive relationship with a guy lasted about three months. After which I ended up in hospital’s ER with an intense haemorrhage and the guy was detained by the police.

Then I had a restraining order against him. He appeared to be a “recovering“ alcoholic and had an Othello Syndrome. Otherwise, he was charming, highly intelligent, handsome etc. Not recovering at all. Mother said it was all my fault and that haemorrhage was well-deserved😆

I freed myself from him, but continue to attract toxic people in my life. In the guise of “friends“ etc. Predators will sense your vulnerability and lure you in. This is why it’s extremely important to be careful with people, even here. I’ve been here eight years and finally start to recognize safe people, who are a minority, I’m sad to say.

You are on many psych meds. I know most of them. Psych meds can help with PTSD, but it’s you who do the majority of work on yourself. Psych meds are your crutch. With so many meds, I can understand why you feel unmotivated and simply too tired to take care of yourself.

It’s also difficult to say which psych med gives you which side effects. It’s important to study the leaflets for this information. And claim back the power from THE PILL. This is an external locus of control and it’s essential to switch it to the internal one. The strength within yourself. Cause you see, so many evil people tried to crush you and you survived. You’re thus a Survivor, a very strong person. All it takes is to believe in yourself and no one else. No one can save you but yourself.

You need a supportive Community, but this Community is not to be trusted entirely. People have different agendas. At least, you’re not isolated. We’re social animals. Don’t invest yourself too much in any relationship here, this is an online world. While you’ve got life to live and Daughters to protect. Along with yourself. You’re their hero, no matter what, always remember that. If you have no strength to fight for yourself, fight for them. Your Babies.

I took Effexor XR which is a similar SNRI to Pristiq, here are the main differences. It was a good psych med, so I suppose Pristiq is a good choice. Are clonidine and Strattera for ADHD or other condition?

Clonidine also treats high BP. I tried it for my hot flushes, but felt like I was gonna die after only one pill... We have different reactions to meds. So you take two meds to boost your norepinephrine levels (Pristiq and Strattera - an SNRi) and two in order to increase your serotonin levels (Pristiq and doxepin, which is a tricyclic AD).

Used to take doxepin for sleep, depression and anxiety. Stopped only cause of weight gain. But I have an Eating Disorder. Good med for sleep, with lots of nasty sxs, as far as I remember.

Idk gabapentin but tried most mood stabilizers - weight gain was also an issue. It is supposed to help taper the BZD, but is said to be addictive in itself. Prazosin  is for BP, PTSD and nightmares

I welcome my nightmares... Like to return to that “slaughterhouse“ which was called my childhood home. I’m in there every other night. Dreams reveal your unconscious, it’s good to write them down as soon as you wake up. “Until you make the uncinscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.“  As a great psychiatrist and philosopher Carl Jung once said.

Yes, my chief hobby is digging into my unconcious. I have to confront the past in order to understand it and learn from it. My past is buried in my dreams and in those flashbacks I get. In some types of people I get attached to. No use escaping from the pain. It only gets worse.

What if you reinstated diazepam instead of clonazepam? Some smallest possible dose? This is to be talked over with your doctor. Diazepam is just easier to taper. What med could you give up if you reinstated the BZD? Gabapentin? Or is it possible at all to switch to BZD from some similar med? Again for your doctor.

Here is a comparison between diazepam and clonazepam. Both affect the memory, yes. But most of your meds affect the memory. Diazepam is so hideous that you just never feel like taking it. That’s why it’s easier to taper. Don’t know clonazepam, but folks tend to get into lots of trouble with it here. 

Memory needs to be trained. Like the Body. Whatever cognitive tasks you like to perform. I can recommend you two great books on PTSD, which will also be hugely beneficial for your cognitive function. They have literary changed my life. The first is “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma“ , written by a great Dutch psychiatrist, dr Bessel van der Kolk. The second is “Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA“, written by a psychotherapist, dr Pete Walker.

That was an epic letter, sorry🙈 Maybe try reading it in parts. Can I make a person fall asleep with my rambling?

I wish we could stay in touch. I hate to abandon fellow PTSD sufferers. It’s like I rejected a part of me that hurts.

Wishing you luck. I’m always here for you. Be kind to yourself

Paula

 

 

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Take the support. You don't want to do this later in life.

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