Today is a tough day! I am up dosing my diazepam. I feel like a failure.

[[Es...]]

@[Zi...]

Fluoxetine will give you insomnia in the beginning. Cannot say how long it will last, cause it depends on the individual. Then you will sleep better.

BZD always cause rebound insomnia. I actually stopped caring about insomnia. I sleep when I can. But I adapted my working and living style to it. Sleep is a very vicious creature. It will only come if you ignore it altogether.

I’d rather get up and do things instead of tossing and turning. Then I suddenly feel like I’ve had enough. Once in bed, I set a limit of 30’ to fall asleep. 

My insomnia started well before the benzos. I have PTSD. It’s good to catch up on sleep when you can. 

No, MRI machines don’t scare me. They just detect what’s going on in your body. The BZD have made us quite detached from our bodies. It’s very sad, really. 

Yes, it’s difficult to describe what you feel. Some people are even not aware of having feelings at all. Psychologists have these funny “feelings charts“. It’s enough to write a few words, like in CBT: Action - Belief - Consequence. 

Our feelings are the result of our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world. Usually instilled in us by our primary caregivers. Our beliefs don’t have to be true. They sometimes need to be corrected. This is what neuroplasticity is all about.

Besides, it’s better to be rationally optimistic. It pays off. Like in Pascal’s Wager. It’s better to believe in God, whether or not he exists. 

Fluoxetine causes brain fog too, but nothing compares to the BZD. 

Take care🤍

Paula

Edited September 10, 2023 by [Es...]

[Guest [...]]

9 hours ago, [[Z...] said:

Hello @[Wi...] My doc came up with the 20mg/day dose because she thought it would be best. I think back in April when I was last at those doses I was doing much better too. How long at 20mg/day would be too long if I did want to go back to say 16mg/day? Is a week too long? I really hope to feel better sooner than later. I do feel bad all my taper efforts will be lost but if I can function more normally it would be great. 

Right now I don't sleep much at all and have hardly any energy in the day to get out of bed and do much of anything. It isn't living. I feel I am just existing at this stage. I am thankful to have my parents here to help with everything. I can't imagine where I would be without my mother. 

I tried 14mg for a week and felt no different and that is another reason my doc thinks 20mg could be the answer. I just pray that it is. 

Thanks for your messages and support! I appreciate you guys here that are helping! It is tough! I hope you are doing okay? 

I think you and I discussed how you tapered away increasingly large percentages of your dose, down to 12 mg, and I think that made you vulnerable to even your next 1mg cut… they piled up and hit you all at once. I have been where you are, bedridden, and non-functional with endless mental and physical symptoms. When we crash like this, it takes longer than a week to stabilise again. At one stage, it took me 3 months to stabilise to a point where I could then taper again. I didn’t up-dose that time, but I crashed again several weeks ago and I’m still in the process of trying to stabilise after up-dosing. It takes time. Updosing doesn’t mean automatic stabilisation. It really does take time for your system to settle down, and often you won’t even notice any improvement for several weeks. 

If you think you should stay at the 20mg, we support you, but if you think you want to drop to about 16mg, where you still should stabilise, then it’s best to drop to that 16mg right away. It takes time for the updose to lift your blood serum level, so even dropping to 16mg would be considered an updose at this stage. But if you stay on the 20mg too long, dropping to 16mg would eventually be like a drop in dosage. 

It’s going to take time to stabilise, whatever choice you make, but, just know we support you regardless of your choice. 

[[Zi...]]

Hello @[Wi...] I hope you are doing alright!? I know I am not great at all. I just feel like being in bed all day. It's bad. 

Yes we discussed my taper and it is probably 100% why I am feeling the way I am these days. I am having mixed feelings about my up-dose back to 20mg/day but it could be the level I need for now. I see my doc again this week on the 14th. The one easy part about being at 20mg/day is you only need 2 10mg tablets. All the other increments make my pill taking difficult. I have to remember my Baclofen and my newest fluoxetine. It becomes challenging to keep them all straight! 

Thanks again for the message and support! I hope it doesn't take me too long to stabilise. I have to renew my drivers license very soon and I just don't have the stamina and courage to get it done. The anxiety and just fatigue make it hard. I need my ID though but am terrified of going in to get my photo taken and stuff. 

 

[Guest [...]]

I completely understand, @[Zi...]. I’ve been avoiding going to the grocery store all week.

Even just the thought is too much. 

[[Es...]]

@[Zi...]

It all takes time. Some people find that spreading their BZD doses around the day useful. Like three instead of two. But this is all to be discussed with your pdoc. You need to find out when the anxiety is the strongest. 10 mg diazepam for sleep would be a must anyway.

Yes, I know the feeling of terror before having the official photo taken. Maybe you just tell the photographer that you have a phobia of having your official photo taken. I’m serious. Once you tell people the truth, the fear dissipates. Everyone fights their own demons and you don’t have to be perfect. We’ll all be perfect when we are dead. 

I know the fear of going out, but this can only be tackled through Exposure and Response Prevention and Systematic Desensitization. I used to imagine myself as Mickey Mouse or Piglet when going out. It didn’t affect the way I behaved, but made going out less scary.

[[Es...]]

2 hours ago, [[W...] said:

I completely understand, @[Zi...]. I’ve been avoiding going to the grocery store all week.

Even just the thought is too much. 

Can relate, but I go out exactly cause I fear it. Once you’re out and about, the fear subsides. BTW, you can do your groceries online...

[Guest [...]]

5 hours ago, [[E...] said:

Can relate, but I go out exactly cause I fear it. Once you’re out and about, the fear subsides. BTW, you can do your groceries online...

Not so much the fear, Estee. It’s more about the lack of motivation or drive to complete tasks. 

Of course, fear is definitely present, however, I think we have to be aware that the depth of chemical fear each individual member experiences can vary greatly from one individual to the next. 

I think one of the things we have to be careful of as members, is to not project our own experience onto other members. We may experience many of the same symptoms in name, however, the level to which we experience those symptoms can often be quite different. 

Over all, I do agree with you… it can be healthy to push through fear at times (test ourselves) and not let the fear completely rule our lives, however, there will be those who are easily triggered into even more acute symptoms by trying to push themselves beyond their limits. 

[[Es...]]

@[Wi...]

Yes, the BZD screw up our reward center all right. Nothing seems rewarding or motivating anymore. It’s difficult to find pleasure in everyday tasks. As brain has it encoded that the greatest reward is always the pill.

This is why it’s important to build habits and routines. Cause when our prefrontal cortex gets tired, the autopilot brain takes over. And habits are stored there.

I’m against pushing oneself beyond the limits, it always backfires. One needs to be kind to oneself. Self-compassion & self-care are the key. Plus remembering what matters most.