What happens when I relapse? I've started to fail.

[[da...]]

After three years, I've gotten down to 1mg of valium PER DAY from 15-20mgs per day... 1mg was lowest in 25 years! But yesterday I took 15 mgs and slept all day. Literally took 15 days worth in one instance. 

This happened last month too and I just resumed 1mg per day. But averaged over a month, I'm up to 1.5 to 2 mgs per day again....

So taking 1mg a day but then taking 5 or 10 or 15 MG per day here and there is probably really throwing me off....

3.5 years and I'm still not even close.what happens when I relapse? I'm thinking of just going back on valium -say 5mgs per day and staying on it..... I think up dose and down dose is probably harder on my body then a consistent higher dose

 

Thanks 

 

[[de...]]

You have come so far and you are CLOSE to finishing your taper.   

What was your reason for tapering the valium in the first place?   Inter-dose withdrawal?  Doctor insisted you get off?   Feeling like it was not working for you anymore?    

What happens to cause you to take a big dose out of the blue?   

Would it be possible to fill out your benzo history in the About Me section of your profile?  This is so helpful when trying to respond to concerns you might have.  

You can do this!!!

[[je...]]

You are so close to jumping! You've done extremely well in reducing your dose. Taking a rescue dose is not the end of the world. Bu you don't want to continue doing this because we have to learn how to navigate life without these stupid pills. You're stronger than these pills @[da...]! Look how far you've come.

Why do you need to take it and why do you take 15mg? This is not a judgemental question, it's trying to help and trying to understand.

[[da...]]

Thank you both! I didn't realize there was an about me section. I was used to the old profile with the signature at the bottom.

This is not an excuse, just an explanation: I have bi-polar disorder which can become psychotic if i lose too much sleep....my mind races to the point I feel like I will lose my mind...and then I kind of do. Things that most people can handle, exhaust me. Little stressors.....then when I am exhausted, I cant sleep. So life is a giant exercise in stability and stress reduction....I always used sleep as an escape - from a racing mind or a state of feeling gross / bored / hopeless.... The meds helped to sleep which help in the short run....but then they steal my joy. they shave off the human points and leave me dull which only adds to my cycle of abuse: because when I feel bored and empty I would do anything to escape: cannabis, junk food, sleep meds, hard drugs....

So I am finally learning to cope. I went THREE MONTHS without using meds or cannabis to escape. But after an exhausting week of changes and poor sleep, and family pressure, I just gave in and took 6mgs to sleep...then I said bump it up to 10mgs and get a little more sleep and then another 5 mgs as its all or nothing thinking with me.... Yesterday I took ZERO mgs...as its all or nothing - which it cannot be. I know

I was once prescribed olanzapine After nine days of it I began to cry almost uncontrollablly as I replied to my wife: "is this what a normal mind feels like?" It was so quiet. I could keep up with my thoughts. I could exist in the moment..but within 14 days, we realized I was deathly allergic to it...that drug comes with its own major set of problems anyhow..so I just take effexor now which helps immensely. I really need a mood stabilizer but they all steal my joy. So I have to learn to cope and I am learning. I really am...but 1mg is proving itself to be a big challenge.

Thank you all. I will continue on

 

 

 

[[de...]]

Let's celebrate the three months you went without using substances to escape!!!!   Don't discount that achievement.   It is a big deal. 

Also, thanks for explaining a little more about what pushes you to go back to the Valium.   It makes "sense" but the truth is, we all have to learn how to cope without taking a pill or other substances.   Easier said than done, right?  

You have come such a long way.   Even if it takes you a long time, you can complete your taper.   Be patient, and be kind to yourself.  

[[je...]]

@[da...], thanks for sharing your story, it was very brave. We have first hand experience with bipolar disorder from a family friend who suffered from bipolar 1.  I know you cannot control bipolar impulses and getting the doses right on these medications is really tricky.

It doesn't seem like there's really a good solution for this problem. I do admire your strength and what you have achieved - especially from what I know about bipolar disorder. All I can say is keep trying to do your best. You have done a tremendous job thus far, don't give up.